.. to point out the folly of insisting children must "clear their plate"

[5foot5]

Hopefully this attitude to children's eating habits is a thing of the past, but just in case, here we go.

We currently have elderly FIL staying with us over the Christmas and New Year period. He lives alone but comes to stay with us quite regularly. He is in his 90s now and, like many elderly people, his appetite has shrunk and he can't manage more than a small helping. If he eats too much he will typically be awake all night with indegestion and want nothing to eat the next day other than tea and toast.

I am mindful of this when serving meals and either put food out so he can serve himself or, if it is a meal to be plated up, I try to give him a small portion. But sometimes I guess we misjudge. Last night it appears was one of those occasions and this morning he is looking sorry for himself.

The thing is he ALWAYS clears his plate.

Now I have a small appetite, always have had since I was a child and still do in my 60s. Fortunately my parents recognised this and never insisted I carried on eating when I had clearly had enough. (Teachers at school dinners sometimes tried to, to no avail.) I don't think we had heard the phrase "self regulation" in the 1960s but I guess this is what I learnt to do. I frequently leave food on my plate if the helping I have been given is too much and don't think twice about it.

When FIL this morning was going on about how we overfeed him I did try saying, as I have many times before, that he doesn't have to eat everything, I won't be at all offended if he leaves what he can't eat, I leave stuff all the time. But I am wasting my breath. The usual comments come out "I hate waste", "It's how I was brought up" and even admitting today "I have been conditioned to do it".

I guess he is not going to change now at nearly 93,but it does seem like such a harmful practice. No matter that you are completely full, that eating more will make you uncomfortable, keep you awake, maybe even make you ill, you nevertheless must plough on and stuff it all down because plates must be cleared. And then it is my fault for giving him too much!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU for thinking this is an out-dated and misguided attitude? And if you do insist on it have you considered the consequences?

Yes I spoke to the school a number of times about this, had one child who had various food issues and they just didn't want to know about the hazards of telling people to eat everything dished up to them and getting stickers for it.

All these people blaming their weight issues on not being able to leave food on their plate, seem to be missing the fact they're the ones putting too much food on it in the first place.

You're not overweight due to eating out in restaurants that serve big portions, unless you're eating 3 meals a day in a restaurant.

And even then, ask for a smaller portion.

The issue isn't so much one of 'clearing one's plate' as such, as of having learned not to notice and respond to one's own sensations of fullness.

Yes, with time and effort people can often relearn this, just as people can give up smoking. But it's better not to fall into this negative pattern in the first place.

Can't believe how many people are incapable of understanding that damage caused in childhood is not something you just click your fingers and get over in adulthood. Being forced to eat against your will creates a very unhealthy relationship with food. Growing up being conditioned to eat when you're not hungry sets habits for life. Telling someone with a weight problem to just eat less is on a par with telling some with anorexia to just eat more. Some people really do not understand human mental health at all.

Yes, with time and effort people can often relearn this, just as people can give up smoking. But it's better not to fall into this negative pattern in the first place.

Of course it's better but that's not where those people are.

If they're overweight and unhappy with it, they'll have to relearn their eating habits like everyone else.

I'm in my 40's amd was brought up in a house with this mentality. It had serious consequences (I have had food issues, different EDs over the years and still struggle with food now).

I am conscious of never forcing food on my kids, they eat what they want, I won't make them eat something that will make them gag (Mother I'm looking at you). It hasn't completely avoided food issues (both children are ND and one has ARFID).

But the topic of the thread is about the folly of making children clear their plates; not about how to overcome weight problems.

And in fact, forcing children to eat can also have other negative consequences, such as food phobias, anorexia at worst, and anxiety about eating in front of others.

Have you read the thread?

The conversation in parts then turned to people talking about having weight issues as adults, and blaming being made to clear their plates when they were children.

I was always a really good eater as a child and was always encouraged to clear my plate. However the one and only time my parents absolutely insisted I finish the meal (sure it was takeaway pizza) despite me saying I didn't want it I was up all night vomiting so they never tried that again!

After years of disordered eating I now have a really small appetite so if I'm out I might just order a starter or have even been known to eat kids portions. Really annoys me at times like Christmas when I want to eat ALL the nice food but don't have the room!

My In-Laws are very much in the finish everything on your plate camp. I hate it. I will clearly say to my kids that they don't have to finish everything and yet they start trying to literally spoon feed them to get them to finish. It even happened with my 9yo DD at Christmas!!! My DS7 is quite restricted in what he eats and the stress it causes when we eat at PIL's has meant that I have now reduced the number of times we eat at their house enormously.

I am overweight and terrible at portion control, and am very conscious of not forcing my kids to finish what is possibly far far too much for them.

It's completely cultural. In the UK I think it's a hangover from rationing and lack of availablity of food and we've just carried on.

It shocked me going to a wedding in the US and finding out the cultural thing there is always to leave some food to indicate you are full. I believe there are a number of other cultures this is true (Chinese I think is one). Otherwise hosts will continue to give you food assuming you want more.

So if you are full in the UK you should listen to your body rather than social conventions on politeness because they are frankly unhelpful, unhealthy and out of step with time.

Poor guy. We know it’s damaging to do this to children so clearly he’s the epitome of this he is not? He’s been conditioned. He has to do it because that was how he was raised. You could maybe try to see it as trauma conditioning. Honestly stepping out of that takes so much work. He’s not likely to be able to do that now is he?

Btw I think knowing it's a cultural thing not shared by all cultures frees you emotionally from thinking you HAVE to clear your plate.

I don't like waste, but I think that comes down to better awareness of how much you put on your plate in the first place and being less adverse to saving leftovers for another meal time.

That's changing behaviour from a mentality of not wanting to waste food to one of saving food.

@RedToothBrush yes Japan is definitely one as well... I love Japanese food and it was a struggle leaving it when I visited! But then again they also see slurping your food as a sign of enjoyment which I found hilarious

We never once expected our children to clear their plates. When they’re full, or have just had enough is up to them.

We don’t ‘plate up’ in our house. I hate going to dinners where they do this as I get full very quickly and really don’t want a plate full of food.

Me too. I even tried to force food when I had caught a bug because it had been made foe me