.. to point out the folly of insisting children must "clear their plate"

[5foot5]

Hopefully this attitude to children's eating habits is a thing of the past, but just in case, here we go.

We currently have elderly FIL staying with us over the Christmas and New Year period. He lives alone but comes to stay with us quite regularly. He is in his 90s now and, like many elderly people, his appetite has shrunk and he can't manage more than a small helping. If he eats too much he will typically be awake all night with indegestion and want nothing to eat the next day other than tea and toast.

I am mindful of this when serving meals and either put food out so he can serve himself or, if it is a meal to be plated up, I try to give him a small portion. But sometimes I guess we misjudge. Last night it appears was one of those occasions and this morning he is looking sorry for himself.

The thing is he ALWAYS clears his plate.

Now I have a small appetite, always have had since I was a child and still do in my 60s. Fortunately my parents recognised this and never insisted I carried on eating when I had clearly had enough. (Teachers at school dinners sometimes tried to, to no avail.) I don't think we had heard the phrase "self regulation" in the 1960s but I guess this is what I learnt to do. I frequently leave food on my plate if the helping I have been given is too much and don't think twice about it.

When FIL this morning was going on about how we overfeed him I did try saying, as I have many times before, that he doesn't have to eat everything, I won't be at all offended if he leaves what he can't eat, I leave stuff all the time. But I am wasting my breath. The usual comments come out "I hate waste", "It's how I was brought up" and even admitting today "I have been conditioned to do it".

I guess he is not going to change now at nearly 93,but it does seem like such a harmful practice. No matter that you are completely full, that eating more will make you uncomfortable, keep you awake, maybe even make you ill, you nevertheless must plough on and stuff it all down because plates must be cleared. And then it is my fault for giving him too much!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU for thinking this is an out-dated and misguided attitude? And if you do insist on it have you considered the consequences?

My father was the sort who would have had me sitting there until 11pm at night until I ate the last, coagulated cold vegetable I'd left. Fortunately my mum stood up for me.

If you want your kids to clear their plates, give them less to eat, and more stuff they want to eat. That doesn't mean giving them a plate of chocolate or similar, by the way - just more carrots rather than peas if they like carrots, and more potatoes rather than meat if they like potatoes!

I have a friend who has a big problem with her weight and she can't not clear her plate because it's just so conditioned into her.

Yes she can.

People can do all sorts of things if they try.

You appear to have very limited understanding of human mental health.

I don't have any history of ED but just a small appetite and genuinely enjoy food. However I hate social eating because I always feel obliged to eat until I feel sick in order to satisfy other people's ideas of "politeness". It takes the joy and fun out of everything.

When I was a younger adult I used to be self-conscious about leaving food in a social setting. I would try to make the left overs in to as small a pile as possible so it didn't look so bad.

I am past worrying about it now. I eat and enjoy whatever I have until I have had enough then stop. If I am at someone else's house I will say "That was absolutely lovely but I can't manage anymore" or maybe "I want to save a little space for that tempting pudding". In a restaurant I don’t usually feel I need to explain.

I think there's a balance. A family member serves their child at least 50% more than they ever eat. Sometimes, they only eat half of it. So much waste at every meal. I always served what they would usually eat, it was okay not to finish but they usually did. More of the same or a piece of fruit was available if they were still hungry.

Adults who routinely serve themselves too much so that they are always wasting food are annoying. Take what you will eat then go back for seconds!

Does someone else always load her plate for her?
If she won't stop herself clearing it, she needs to stop herself filling it. Childhood conditioning and mental health problems are not the same thing. We need to stop blaming everything on parents. She can choose to leave behind aspects of her upbringing if they don't meet her needs.

Last night was a combination of the two. We were having a roast dinner so we put the meat and roast potatoes on the plate and the vegetables out in tureens to help ourselves.

I think I gave him one small slice of meat and two roasted and then he helped himself to veg. I suppose he might have thought he should take a bit of all the veg on offer. Oh and there was a pudding which I served, but he said he wanted some and I gave him a much smaller piece than everyone else.

Really interesting conversation.

I was brought up to clear my plate. In my house if you didn't you'd be left to sit at the table until you did or it would be served to cold for the next meal... although I guess that's another story 😂

It was so forced into me as a child that I still stick by it, to this day. I know I don't need to eat everything on my plate, I know I'm overweight already, I know I don't need to eat it all but still I clear my plate at every meal without question.

Needles to say, I don't have this rule for my 5 year old. When I give her a meal, I tell her that I made it for her to enjoy and to keep her happy and healthy, not because I want her to force herself to finish everything and get a belly ache.

There's a difference between being wasteful and having someone incorrectly guess how hungry you were when they dished up!

So he's serving himself and STILL having more than he can manage. I'm sure he wouldn't take 'a bit of everything' out of politeness if it was going to heap his plate beyond his capacity.

It's tough, but at 93 I think he has to take some responsibility too, he's taking more food than he can comfortably eat. Can you encourage him (perhaps by doing so yourself) to take tiny helpings but have seconds if he feels he needs more food?

My gran had 4 kids, didn’t tolerate waste and was a stickler for manners. She just served the food in the middle of the table and if you were very hungry you took more, if not you took less. You had to try everything, particularly the healthy stuff but didn’t have to eat massive amounts of one particular thing. Worked brilliantly. She never had waste or fussy kids.

The only thing i would say is:

Its really common for younger children to try and avoid eating almost everything except their favourite foods. So we do have a notion that they must eat a little portion - we always ask before serving if they are hungry/want to eat, but they have to answer before they know what the meal is. In our house there's no such thing as "hungry for yoghurt/bananas/crackers/snacks/cheerios" but not "not hungry for more nutritious food eg vegetables, meat, fish, beans".

Mine know that they will not get away with avoiding eating any of the chicken casserole whatsoever, then wanting to overeat with two servings when its pasta bolognese.

We try to either offer food where they can serve themselves, or bring them to the stove and let them monitor as we serve/say "enough" etc.

I don't like waste either - they are not allowed to serve themselves a big pile of something then refuse to eat any of it. We suggest having a taste first, then a small helping with the option to have more if you need it.

Mariposistaa we try to emulate this. We always say "you don't have to like it you do have to try it" and you always have to have something green.

People can actually get themselves off of heroin and alcohol addiction.

She can stop clearing her plate if she tries.

As I said in the OP, I do give him smaller portions. Sometimes when serving, if I am not sure I will ask him to come in to the kitchen to say how much he wants.

But every so often clearly we misjudge his appetite. I am not insisting he wastes food, I am just trying to make sure he knows it is OK to leave what he can't eat. I won't be offended.

TBH I consider eating food you don't want and feeling ill as a result is at least as much of a waste as leaving it on your plate in the first place.

I'm the same. I remember feeling physically sick but not being allowed to leave the table until I'd finished the last two mouthfuls.

A lifetime of overeating has ensued. However if I genuinely felt full now I would just leave it and wouldn't accuse others of overfeeding me.

One of my friends still does it. Everyone forced to sit at the table until everyone has cleared their plate.

Bit on the fence with this.

If I have served up a reasonable sized meal and the kids have only fished out the best bits and are ignoring veg that they are known to like, I will make them eat more. Sometimes this is to clear it, other times a couple of mouthfuls.

But if we go out and the portion is massive I don't care as long as they have a reasonable stab.

I think for absolutely everything it's a bit much but there's nothing wrong with insisting they eat more of food which sometimes requires a bit more effort/is healthy than having them ask for snacks five minutes later. If I didn't require a bit more from my kids they would probably eat about three mouthfuls, especially if green things feature!

I always clear my plate - I find it so hard to stop when I’m full. But with my kids, the mantra is stop when you’re full.

Depends if she has already accounted for appetite. I mean I never forced a child to finish but I would encourage them to eat an adequate amount knowing their appetite. Some will eat a decent amount of a favourite meal but pretend they aren't hungry for something that isn't a favourite. Then go on about being starving for a snack later 🙄 .

Our Dc are encouraged to serve themselves however much they want but they have to finish what they put on their plate,easy. Not eating with your eyes. If they are served food they know to say it's too much before they touch it, nobody will be offended.

In some cultures where poverty is common, it is/was the custom when a guest in someone's house, to always leave something on the plate to indicate that your hosts have given you enough to eat. If you ate everything that would indicate that you were still hungry and they would keep giving you more, which could leave them short of food.

You can't change his habits of a lifetime at 93. All you can do is the polite thing of putting less on his plate.

And let's raise our kids different so at 93 they aren't shovelling food down thay they don't want!

Would the better way to go about it be to feed them smaller portions and not let them have anymore chicken or potatoes for example until they've eaten their broccoli? I'm trying this with my toddler and it's working thus far 😂

Guess it depends how stubborn your children are! One of mine will go hungry to avoid the veg!

I came here to say the same!

now with my little one as soon as he says he done it’s ok no problem!
sometimes he eats it all, sometimes only manages a few mouthfuls - I know he won’t starve! I let him listen to his on body rather than me telling him he needs to eat more.

Completely agree. In primary school I remember one kid spilling milk over his chips and a teacher forcing him to eat it anyway. Absolutely vile.

I have family from another country and when I stayed them with the last time they were constantly forcing food upon me. I was just lying about the whole day in the heat so didn’t have much of an appetite yet they’d insist on serving massive bowls of porridge for breakfast and large dinners etc. that was 9 years ago, if that happened again I’d put my foot down and be quite blunt about it.