.. to point out the folly of insisting children must "clear their plate"

[5foot5]

Hopefully this attitude to children's eating habits is a thing of the past, but just in case, here we go.

We currently have elderly FIL staying with us over the Christmas and New Year period. He lives alone but comes to stay with us quite regularly. He is in his 90s now and, like many elderly people, his appetite has shrunk and he can't manage more than a small helping. If he eats too much he will typically be awake all night with indegestion and want nothing to eat the next day other than tea and toast.

I am mindful of this when serving meals and either put food out so he can serve himself or, if it is a meal to be plated up, I try to give him a small portion. But sometimes I guess we misjudge. Last night it appears was one of those occasions and this morning he is looking sorry for himself.

The thing is he ALWAYS clears his plate.

Now I have a small appetite, always have had since I was a child and still do in my 60s. Fortunately my parents recognised this and never insisted I carried on eating when I had clearly had enough. (Teachers at school dinners sometimes tried to, to no avail.) I don't think we had heard the phrase "self regulation" in the 1960s but I guess this is what I learnt to do. I frequently leave food on my plate if the helping I have been given is too much and don't think twice about it.

When FIL this morning was going on about how we overfeed him I did try saying, as I have many times before, that he doesn't have to eat everything, I won't be at all offended if he leaves what he can't eat, I leave stuff all the time. But I am wasting my breath. The usual comments come out "I hate waste", "It's how I was brought up" and even admitting today "I have been conditioned to do it".

I guess he is not going to change now at nearly 93,but it does seem like such a harmful practice. No matter that you are completely full, that eating more will make you uncomfortable, keep you awake, maybe even make you ill, you nevertheless must plough on and stuff it all down because plates must be cleared. And then it is my fault for giving him too much!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU for thinking this is an out-dated and misguided attitude? And if you do insist on it have you considered the consequences?

We were never told as kids to clean the plate we were always asked to make a decent effort and to eat our veggies especially. I’m the same with my kids now

YANBU. It can cause or reinforce very negative attitudes to food, if children are forced to eat things that they hate. And no doubt it often trains children to ignore their own sensations of being 'full' and contributes to later obesity.

It didn't happen to me, but it did to friends of mine, especially at school. I have heard several stories about children reacting to force-feeding by being sick all over the teacher or dinner-lady!

As an adult she can give herself smaller portions surely ?

Very few people plate up food differently for women even though they have smaller appetites & BMIs. There was an AIBU post a year or so back in which everyone piled on to say how outrageous it was that MIL gave larger helpings to the men.

There's a difference between being wasteful and having someone incorrectly guess how hungry you were when they dished up! The only difference is in who is being wasteful

In our house there's no such thing as "hungry for yoghurt/bananas/crackers/snacks/cheerios" but not "not hungry for more nutritious food eg vegetables, meat, fish, beans". What we used to call “nice hungry” as opposed to “hungry”

She does. It's mainly a problem with eating out and eating at other people's houses. It's not the only thing contributing to the problem either.

And some people are addicts for life. One person being able to achieve something doesn't mean someone else can. Humans are very complex creatures.

I was brought up to clear my plate, both-at home and at school. Can’t say it had any effect, probably because I totally ignored the ruling. My tolerance of sitting list in my own thoughts with a plate of congealing dinner in front of me far exceeded the patience of any adult.

I've always felt the same about having 3 structured meals a day too. Sometimes you don't need 3, sometimes you need more than 3.

I am fat because I put too much and the wrong food on my plate, I am an adult and for 90% of my meals I decide how much goes on the plate. I could choose, if I over indulged the previous day, to put less food on my plate.

Nothing to do with, and I won't blame my poor mum trying to make her 5 fussy children eat the food they were served - which was veg heavy as it was cheaper than meat - so none was wasted and she didn't have to pander to or have the expense of different snack requests later.

Being made to clear you plate as a child is the tiniest drop in the ocean of problems why people like me are obese nowadays.

It depends... If you put food on anyone's plate, you can't expect them to eat it all up.

If however they are in charge of their portion size, I would expect them to eat what is on the plate!

We were not forced, but encouraged to eat everything (this was in the sixties). There was always the comment "think of all the starving children in Africa," which made me so annoyed.

I wanted to say, "parcel it up and send it to them, then."

Did she really think that whether I finished the food or not would make any difference to the children in Africa?

My own children ate as much as they felt like eating.

How often does she eat out and at other people's houses that it makes her overweight?

I was brought up to clear my plate. My Mum was a war baby when food was scarce and this led to some of the things she taught us. You were rude and ungrateful if you left any food on your plate at mealtimes however portion sizes then were not big, especially for women and girls.

It is more likely he just cannot push his plate away due to ingrained behaviour.

Completely agree OP. As a child it was insisted that plates were cleared especially if we were eating out not for waste but for waste of money; ie: if you didn't eat every scrap you'd not got the full value.

It took me years to train myself to stop eating in a restaurant when I'm comfortably full, and eating out is a much more pleasant experience for it. No longer do I leave feeling stuffed and uncomfortable and with as the lasting memory of the meal.

I was bought up poor, you can damn well be sure that if we had a full plate of food that I would eat it all no matter what, as we could never be sure when another decent sized meal was coming.

I don't force my kids to finish their plate, but I don't give them stupid amounts either. My 11yo eats like a baby bird, my 12yo has hollow legs and my 14yo has a larger appetite but self regulates.

None are overweight and I think grown ass adults blaming their parents for being overweight as adults is stupid. Granted, they could cause children to be overweight but as adults you are all capable of adjusting your diets and activity levels to lose that weight if you really wanted to.

You can't compare practices from decades ago when food was scarce to today when it's relatively plentiful. I imagine if we were in a position where we had to go back to rationed food, we'd have to do the same to ensure our children weren't malnourished. It's completely different when you don't know where the next meal is coming from - you HAVE to eat everything and waste nothing.

I also don't get it. If I eat more because I'm out, then I am less hungry at the next meal or the following day. I had Christmas dinner at 2:30 but then skipped dinner for example.

In many households food is not plentiful today. It's not just a problem in the past.

I've never said it to my kids, because I can't leave food on my plate. I don't think I was made to finish my food growing up, but our portions were smaller so I naturally did and in my 40s I still can't break the habit. So I understand the predicament. I enjoy my food and will keep eating until the plate is clear, even when I'm fit to burst! It would feel so wrong to leave food on the plate. I plate up smaller portions now, but at restaurants with big portions, it's all getting eaten regardless of comfort level.

As I said, it's not the only thing contributing to the problem.

Yanbu but his generation grew up when food was often scarce so its ingrained in them not to waste food. They also saved tinfoil, string, all the stuff we just throw away after use.

Poverty creates lifelong habits, some good some bad.

I never leave anything (unless I don't like it)
This is no judgement on others btw - my weight makes it very obvious I am not a food leaver.....😆

Absolutely this…then they brought up my generation to clear our plates….and then we ended up with weight/food issues and swore not to do that to our kids!
The end 😂

Yes totally agree! I have taught my kids to stop eating when their ‘tummy is full’. Whereas whenever my dm or mil are here it’s all ‘no pudding if you don’t finish your dinner’ etc. Or some nice bribing ‘if you finish that then you can have some ice cream’. So basically they want them to keep eating. even though they’re already full, and then have ice cream on top of that? It really irritates me.
Same with not forcing things to eat things they don’t like, I encourage them to try everything and not just say ‘I don’t like that’ and mostly do eat everything. But I have awful memories of being forced to eat food I genuinely didn’t like when young.

How is it possible to change your ways as an adult, but not as a 93 yo? Make your mind up on whether you're ageist or not.