.. to point out the folly of insisting children must "clear their plate"

[5foot5]

Hopefully this attitude to children's eating habits is a thing of the past, but just in case, here we go.

We currently have elderly FIL staying with us over the Christmas and New Year period. He lives alone but comes to stay with us quite regularly. He is in his 90s now and, like many elderly people, his appetite has shrunk and he can't manage more than a small helping. If he eats too much he will typically be awake all night with indegestion and want nothing to eat the next day other than tea and toast.

I am mindful of this when serving meals and either put food out so he can serve himself or, if it is a meal to be plated up, I try to give him a small portion. But sometimes I guess we misjudge. Last night it appears was one of those occasions and this morning he is looking sorry for himself.

The thing is he ALWAYS clears his plate.

Now I have a small appetite, always have had since I was a child and still do in my 60s. Fortunately my parents recognised this and never insisted I carried on eating when I had clearly had enough. (Teachers at school dinners sometimes tried to, to no avail.) I don't think we had heard the phrase "self regulation" in the 1960s but I guess this is what I learnt to do. I frequently leave food on my plate if the helping I have been given is too much and don't think twice about it.

When FIL this morning was going on about how we overfeed him I did try saying, as I have many times before, that he doesn't have to eat everything, I won't be at all offended if he leaves what he can't eat, I leave stuff all the time. But I am wasting my breath. The usual comments come out "I hate waste", "It's how I was brought up" and even admitting today "I have been conditioned to do it".

I guess he is not going to change now at nearly 93,but it does seem like such a harmful practice. No matter that you are completely full, that eating more will make you uncomfortable, keep you awake, maybe even make you ill, you nevertheless must plough on and stuff it all down because plates must be cleared. And then it is my fault for giving him too much!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU for thinking this is an out-dated and misguided attitude? And if you do insist on it have you considered the consequences?

Very few people plate up food differently for women even though they have smaller appetites
No, not all women have small appetites. I don’t and neither does my mother (we are both slim before anyone says anything). I need a proper size portion or else I feel faint by mid morning or mid afternoon. So please don’t assume everyone is the same!

I pack dried fruit and crackers if I know I’m staying in one of those households that do male and female portions.

I suppose one thing is that I was brought up that the default desert is fruit, and snacks are olives, carrots or more fruit. We do the same at home and have sweet pudding once a week, or twice max. We never eat crisps, biscuits, or chocolate bars - don’t even have them in the house. So the “main course” has to be substantial enough to keep us going.

@User4363463 I’m a tall, thin, greedy woman and I would lose my shit if I were served a smaller portion than the men at the table just because I’m female.

Yanbu. I wish this wisdom would trickle down to the thicko dinner ladies at my daughters schools. The youngest’s school gives out stickers for clean plates and the eldest’s school will not let them out for playtime until they have eaten what they deem enough 🫤. It makes me so angry!

There was even a lollipop for ‘eating all your meal’ in the roadside Little Chefs when I was growing up!

I remember being told I ‘ate like a bird’ and feeling guilty in restaurants because I could never ever finish my portions. I hate feeling full and will stop before I do - although I love food. I’ll often share food with my boys or husband now which is liberating because there’s no one to make me feel like I’m wasting money or food! We’ve always told our boys to ‘eat what they want’ and have never praised or chastised for finished or unfinished meals.

Yeah, it did. I grew up in the 50’s/60s when it common. I had my kids mid-70s, and it had gone out of fashion. I can’t say it ever affected me one way or another. Of its time.

It's such an awful thing to do to kids. I was made to do this as a child (and nobody else was allowed down from the table until I had finished, so everyone was just staring at me irritated and impatient). I would literally feel like I was going to be sick. Eventually I started chewing food but not swallowing it and then spitting it out as soon as I could. Surprise surprise, I ended up with disordered eating later in life.

my grandfather was in a Japanese POW camp. almost starved to death just before VJ day. he encouraged my mum and her siblings to clear their plates through sheer fear of hunger that he couldn't get over due to PTSD.
that carries on through my mum who did the same with me and my brothers. my aunt is still a feeder to this day and always plates up so much more than any human should be able to eat.
i haven't done this with my children at all. i have one child who will eat everything infront of him plus extras if i didn't gently keep an eye on them and another who won't even force the last spoonful of ice cream in if they are full.
i do struggle with the idea of waste but i haven't transferred that over to my children.

It's really nice to read on this thread almost everybody saying they never force their kids to eat things against their will.

I have read other threads on here where many posters almost brag about the strict rules they enforce with their children regarding having to eat things, whether or not they want to. I have always found it monstrous.

Being forced to eat food that is noxious to you is actually a means of abuse akin to torture often found in the arsenal of horrible domestic abusers. I'd personally rather be slapped in the face than forced to swallow food that repulses me (sadly like many I've experienced both - not from my parents but from an abusive partner as an adult). Yet I have often heard people who consider themselves kind and loving parents in other ways, talk quite happily about completing their children to eat foods they hate.

Thank God people on here have stopped doing it to their children! It's really good to hear.

Thanks for starting this conversation OP. Because if just one new parent reads it, and decides to adapt the feeding approach they were planning to take to a kinder, more healthy one, then this is definitely worth it!

I as brought up with the words "there are plenty of starving children who would be glad to eat that!" ringing in my ears.

I would like to have replied "so wrap it up, Mum, and post it to them." But I never, ever had the nerve......

My parents tried to do this with my kids, after they caused me a lifetime of disordered eating by forcing me to eat everything on my plate growing up. I put a stop to it with my own kids and every time we eat at their house, i loudly remind my children they don't have to eat anything they don't want to.

My mother never, ever cleared her own plate, incidentally.

I would just leave it to FIL to put his own food on his plate. I always prefer to serve myself at other people's homes if it's an option.

Looking at plates left on tables in cafes (that I know serve 'normal' size meals), it does look sometimes like people deliberately only eat half the meal they chose & ordered. That, to me, is wasteful - if you know you're not that hungry, why not order just a starter/childrens size meal/whatever?

It can go too far in the other direction - the 'mustn't ever eat anything they don't actively beg for/say they're too full to have, give them extra if they say they're hungry later', as that results in children that will reluctantly place a tiny morsel of food on their fork/spoon, possibly let a couple of atoms touch their tongue and declare they're full up, only to say when their feet have barely touched the ground 'I'm hungry. Can I have pudding/a biscuit/sweeties now?'.

ETA: and there's the other version, where you're pressurised to leave food because 'it's not ladylike/elegant/good manners to eat everything'. had that from my ex, it didn't matter if I was starving from a combination of BF and his insistence that you mustn't eat fat or more than one type of plant, I had to leave at least a quarter of it or I'd be bollocked for greediness.

I thought it was the done thing when my stepsons were young. I made my older stepson vomit once from insisting he eats his dinner and I've never forgiven myself

I believe in WW2 it was illegal to leave food on your plate. There simply wasn't the food to waste. If he was raised with that attitude he likely can't change - it's too deep.

Yanbu

I remember being made to eat things I really didn't want at school or a Brownie pack holiday

Don't agree with it at all and my dm never made me eat anything I didn't want

One of the reasons I had an eating disorder in my teens was down to this - my mum insisted we ate everything or we would be accused of being unwell and sent up to bed, where we were treated as filthy, disgusting children for being ill.

I had such fear at mealtimes that it got to the point I couldn’t physically eat and sometimes made myself sick before dinner. It was awful. I NEVER make my daughter eat everything. She decides when she’s full.

Being forced to eat food that is noxious to you is actually a means of abuse akin to torture often found in the arsenal of horrible domestic abusers. I'd personally rather be slapped in the face than forced to swallow food that repulses me So what do you do with a child that will eat nothing but the outside (non-cheesy) crust of pizza?

I think the 1950s "eat everything on your plate" wasn't intentional force-feeding of children that weren't hungry, it was trying not to bring up a "fussy eater". Hence the misguided "eat that and you can have some pudding" which just reinforces the ides that vegetables are yuk and pudding is the only food worth eating.

If a child is so restrictive about what they will eat it sounds like an issue of itself. Have you heard of ARFID?

I'm sorry but seriously people blaming weight to being taught as a child clear your plate...Erm what a load of rubbish. If you can't control what you eat then it's your problem and nobody else's problem. And no I don't tell my children to clear there plate but it's very rare anything is left because they copy mummy and daddy eating all there meals

I had this as a child - it was awful - and still feel I should eat everything on the plate but don't now. I only asked that my children tried everything but they didn't have to finish it. One was (and still is) a good eater whereas the other was picky (right from when he went on solids) and definitely did not copy mummy and daddy eating all their meals.

Exactly! Seriously, I can't understand grown adults who can't change their habits, it's a real cop out blaming parents for over-eating (or anything else).

I've got a healthy appetite, I eat when I'm hungry, not because it's a meal time and stop when I've had enough, I'm a normal weight for my height. I mostly cook for myself and others. However if being cooked for I absolutely hate anyone putting food on my plate for me, it makes me feel like a toddler or an invalid. I ate at a friend's recently and they served a moussaka.....huge pile on to my plate, just why?? The dish was in the middle of the table, I can serve myself, I know how much I want and whether I like that meal ( It wasn't particularly nice) and would have started with a small portion and eaten more had I liked it or still been hungry. Would never do it to my children or now Grandchildren after school age. I do encourage (ASC) GC to take a little and eat more if he likes it. None of this eat it all up to get your pudding business ( I'm in my 60's and have never done this in my life neither did my parents who are very elderly now)

I’m 29 and my battle axe childminder did this to me. I’m 5ft. To this day I can’t not clear my plate, of man sized portions, despite being the size of a 10 year old. It still goes on!

And before some genius says ‘just don’t clear your plate’ it’s an ingrained behaviour it’s not that easy, it’s like saying be less despressed or more confident. Very irritating and naive.

I grew up in the 1950’s/60’s and was encouraged to eat everything on my plate. However, it didn’t make me fat as our portion sizes were so much smaller than today. It certainly didn’t set me on the pathway to being overweight as an adult. It was unusual to see overweight people until fairly recently.

Yeah - I was raised to clear my plate. My parents were pretty hard up during my early childhood so I think they were a bit paranoid about us getting enough to eat. It was drummed into us from the moment we could hold a fork that we must not waste food.

I've struggled to learn healthy eating habits ever since. My weight goes up and down (but mostly up). I'm trying to teach myself that food eaten when I'm already full is still a waste.