To not want alcohol in the house

[ihavebadteeth]

I saw this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973136-being-told-what-to-order-from-takeaway
Initially,.I thought it unfair that the OP couldn't eat what she wanted. I then read that it was because her hosts were vegetarians.. which then made me think about myself.

DH and I don't drink alcohol (reason is both religious and personal preference). We wouldn't want alcohol being drunk in our home. If we had a guest who wanted to drink would it be unreasonable to say it wouldn't be OK?

For background, this is mine and DH's first he together. Prior to meeting DH, I lived with my parents and so if I caught up with friends it would have been outside at a restaurant etc. and so we haven't yet been in a situation where we might have friends over and someone might want alcohol

I think it’s reasonable not to serve guests alcohol (or want them to bring it into your house) for religious reasons. I view this situation a bit differently than a vegetarian saying her friend can’t order meat from a takeaway which I think is more questionable.

Wouldn't be a big deal for me. Presumably your friends know that you don't drink so just let them know at the point of organising the evening to avoid any awkwardness.

This. Don't leave it until they arrive carrying alcohol - that would lead to an uncomfortable situation. Presumably, anyone who is friends with you - and likely to be invited to your home - would already know your stance on alcohol so they'd understand.

I don't think it's comparable at all. Not wanting alcohol in your home because of religious or health reasons or something isn't unreasonable.

I'm going to try to do dry January after failing last year and boozing too much lately and I'm nervous about being around alcohol. I was thinking about what to do with the wine and vodka left over as it is.

The no meat for the theirs friends takeaway is bloody weird and not nice at all.

The main issue with that thread wasn't so much the quasi-religious "no meat in our house" stance but the fact that OP's friend pulled a bait-and-switch on her with one hour's notice AND then expected her to pay for the suboptimal meal herself. With sufficient warning she could have either eaten elsewhere/at home or insisted a different provider. I assume you are being more considerate to your guests, so no problem there.

I don’t mind your idea but would be dropping it into conversation somehow when out generally. Then, if people are invited and you confirm the rule, it isn’t a surprise (or even an affront to some dickheads).

If you are Muslim, I would be unlikely to arrive with alcohol to your house. If your religious reason is less obvious, then quietly getting in first is the way to go, I think.

Yeah, that's fine. I can guzzle at times but I'm happy not to and would be interested to see which drinks you serve.

What do you make for your guests to drink, out of curiosity?

Depending on the event:
Something sparkling with elderflower cordial and berries and mint.
Or in the winter time a hot cinnamon spiced drink.
Or a mango lassi
Milkshake/fruit smoothie
Otherwise we have "standard drinks" too: fresh orange juice, lemonade, coke.
And always a selection of tea/coffee/hot choc

It's your home. You get to decide what happens in it.

Those all sound really nice! Any guest should be happy with that

I don't think you should dictate what guests eat and drink tbh. I would find that quite rude. I wouldn't expect you to buy and provide alcohol and I certainly wouldn't be offering you any or pressuring you into drinking or bringing you a gift of a bottle of wine, but I also wouldn't want you to dictate to me what I can and can't drink or eat. I would respect your choice of what you want to do and as a friend I would hope you would respect mine. Presumably you go to others' houses where they are drinking and that's ok? I can't see how it's much different tbh.

I wouldn't have a problem with not drinking alcohol in your home , if we were out together I may have one or two but would avoid becoming drunk.

In your position I would remind people well in advance that you don't drink and do not want alcohol in your home.
You could do this by telling them the drinks you will be serving.

How do you feel about mocktails would you be happy to serve them ?
Also would you mind / would you provide alcohol free beer / cider / wine / gin etc ?
Though I can't be sure I think AF wine and gin doesn't have any alcohol at all in it , however a lot of beer and cider does have very low levels of alcohol, generally about 0.5 / 0.3 abv.
If you don't want any alcohol in you home you need to make this point very clear as I think most people would think it's OK to bring it.

As for the veggie thread , I think it's fine not to want meat in your home , however it is really crap to only let your visitors know one hr beforehand, esp if they are like me and have had a look at the menu in advance and really looking forward to a particular meat curry.

I like a mocktail. Can't see how going without alcohol for a meet would be a problem, and I say that as someone who goes over the limit frequently (not with driving!)

I struggle HUGELY with this view I have to say. I know it's extremely common on Mumsnet to read this "your house, your rules" stuff It's a very right wing, individualistic approach. I personally do NOT think that owning or renting a house somehow gives you dominion over others and the magical right to dictate their behaviour/ what is right or wrong. And indeed, Indeed, as a maxim it's really dangerously as it encourages and excuses all kinds of domestic abuse. (I am sure that's not the intention of many who use it)

OP, I don't drink either and my preference is for no alcohol in my home but I don't really feel it's something I can dictate to others over - in the general run of things I would find that rude and controlling
However there are definite exceptions I can thinks of:

1. . If anyone in your house feels their sobriety would be jeopardised by alcohol in the home, I would make an exception to that and definitely say no alcohol - mental and physical health trump's manners any day in my book.

1. If your religion teaches that alcohol in the home is always wrong, then of course you must follow that - I don't think anyone would expect you to contravene religious laws for the sake of politeness.

@Ilovelurchers
this exactly.

I don't drink (I just don't like the taste/feeling) and no one ever has lovely alternative options for me!

Your home sounds amazing and I would love to be your friend!

I cry on the inside when the options are wine/spirits or water or a cup of tea haha

You sound like you provide loads of variety and there should be something there that would make people happy 🥰

Alcohol is different I think assuming they don't only drink alcohol and no other drinks. Op didn't like veggies which is why her food was ruined

If it's for religious reasons then just let guests know when inviting them.

I think anyone should be able to spend an evening without alcoholic drinks unless they're physically addicted.

I remember being in Portsmouth for training, it was a hot day and I went into a bar before I travelled home. Asked for a mocktail and bar lady looked confused. So I said virgin cocktail and she looked even more confused. In the end I had to say cocktail without alcohol. I didn't want plain orange juice, I wanted something tangy, fruity and delicious.

This.

If it is an alcohol-free home, that is fine.
If it is a vegetarian home, that is fine.

You just have to tell people with enough time for them to back out if they can't cope with not drinking.

But you don't have control over any visitor because they can leave. You can't dictate their behaviour, you can only say 'this is how it is in our home - take it or leave it'.

How you treat those who live in the home - where you refer to domestic abuse - is a totally separate issue. All those who live in the home should be part of setting the rules for the home, to an age-appropriate extent.

I subscribe to 'my home, my rules'. The rules are very minimal, but you can't smoke indoors, you have to take your shoes off, it's a vegetarian kitchen and then obviously if someone says/does something properly offensive they would be asked to leave.

I don't agree with pp. The principle of not wanting meat in your home because of farming/slaughter practices etc is on a par with choosing to believe in a God/Prophet etc. Both are choices. Although in that case I don't see the difference in being vegetarian and someone eating meat in a curry, it was hypocritical. As long as you tell people in advance and make it clear if it includes alcohol free wine etc. I've switched to alcohol free because my partner can't drink because of medical issues, he's on alcohol free Guinness. But some people still object to those.

It's your house and nobody can dictate what you can or can't serve or what they can bring to your table. However don't be offended if they decline your invitation. (It wouldn't bother me as I rarely drink alcohol). The reverse is also true - eg if you are invited to someone's house and you are vegan/vegetarian and they are only providing meat meals then you can also decline. Respect for each other is what matters.

I would assume that your friends know that you are non drinkers? I wouldn't imagine anyone bringing alcohol to my parents house (non drinkers for religious reasons) but I also know my parents wouldn't have minded if someone had brought a few beers with them- they were very happy with their religious views, but also don't mind others not having them. If you'd prefer no one ever brought alcoholic I'd assume you'd need to tell them, unless they knew you well enough to know it's an alcohol free household.

As long as you make it clear beforehand.

I don't object to vegetarian households either but again... tell people beforehand.

We drink at our house. We have a few Muslim friends and we know perfectly well we won't drink at their house. In fact when we have them over, we don't have alcohol in the same room. And we're really careful with food. They are really nice about it though.

Everyone rubs along. Best to let people know beforehand just in case.