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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want alcohol in the house

55 replies

ihavebadteeth · 30/12/2023 01:06

I saw this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973136-being-told-what-to-order-from-takeaway
Initially,.I thought it unfair that the OP couldn't eat what she wanted. I then read that it was because her hosts were vegetarians.. which then made me think about myself.

DH and I don't drink alcohol (reason is both religious and personal preference). We wouldn't want alcohol being drunk in our home. If we had a guest who wanted to drink would it be unreasonable to say it wouldn't be OK?

For background, this is mine and DH's first he together. Prior to meeting DH, I lived with my parents and so if I caught up with friends it would have been outside at a restaurant etc. and so we haven't yet been in a situation where we might have friends over and someone might want alcohol

Being told what to order from takeaway.. | Mumsnet

friend invited me round for drinks and food, she said we could get indian takeaway..(context, her and her husband are veggies) she text me one hour be...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973136-being-told-what-to-order-from-takeaway

OP posts:
PhillMichellsbrother · 30/12/2023 05:30

Dh is an alcoholic. He’s been sober for 18 months. It was a battle to get him to stop and believe me, if I died tomorrow, he would be back to sibling three bottles of wine an evening as he really didn’t/doesn’t see that as any sort of problem.

His parents are no longer welcome here to eat as they always bring lots of wine, despite being asked not to. Dh just gets pissed off that he can’t drink it and ends up in a bad mood with me. Controlling bitch that I am for not wanting to live with a nasty drunk who was killing himself.

PhillMichellsbrother · 30/12/2023 05:31

sinking, not sibling.

Mumof2teens79 · 30/12/2023 05:36

I think alcohol is slightly different because it affects the drinkers behaviour.

It's perfectly reasonable to have a no alcohol rule for moral or religious reasons because you disagree with the affect it may have on the person in your house, rather than a no grape juice rule because you don't drink grape juice yourself.
IMHO This extends to going out with friends....I think if you have a strong stance on alcohol and invite friends out for a meal it's not unreasonable to expect them not to drink either, and not to turn up drunk.

Obviously allergies are another example....whether at home or out people should respect that their choices affect you, and avoid your allergens.

But I am not sure this extends to other things. The idea of eating rare meat or shellfish knocks me sick, and I would therefore never serve this to a guest....but if they order it for themselves it doesn't affect me.

And that's where I am with vegetarians and meat....me ordering and eating meat in your company doesn't affect you. So I think it's unreasonable to insist someone doesn't order it just because a vegetarian is present.
(You can argue about environmental and welfare etc but it's irrelevant because if I say no, go home and eat alone I am still having the same impact on those, it doesn't affect the vegetarians)

At the same time I think a reasonable person would not expect to eat meat in a house where everyone is vegetarian and a!reasonable person who doesn't drink would not expect a drinker to not drink in their presence.....if you have such strongly different views it seems unlikely you would be that close as friends

Vegetus · 30/12/2023 06:03

comfyshoes2022 · 30/12/2023 01:09

I think it’s reasonable not to serve guests alcohol (or want them to bring it into your house) for religious reasons. I view this situation a bit differently than a vegetarian saying her friend can’t order meat from a takeaway which I think is more questionable.

Why though? It's still an ethical/moral issue.

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 06:09

One of my best friends from uni was a strict Muslim - we used to have fun nights out where I'd moderate my drinking and only have one or two, she had her coke, I'd rebuff any male advances and we'd enjoy dancing

Chilicabbage · 30/12/2023 06:10

I like my drink and I would absolutely not have issue with no drinking. I like a nice ayran with dinner 😁

It's not rude to set boundaries in your own home. It's healthy. Not everyone is wet blanket pleasing others to their own detriment.

But, you absolutely let people know well beforehand so they don't buy and bring anything. As pp said the friend in that thread did bait and switch.

WandaWonder · 30/12/2023 06:12

If I knew your house didn't drink I wouldn't bring any

I think the rule is rude though and I have no house rules apart from normal social ones for guests

lljkk · 30/12/2023 06:16

I can imagine bringing a bottle of wine as a gift but I wouldn't otherwise suggest alcohol. I'm ambivalent about OP's situation, though. When I was vegetarian I had a vegtn boyfd who said he wouldn't have meat in the house... actually, that would annoy me now (I'm no longer vegetarian) if I were his lodger. I'd feel unwelcome as a guest to have someone insist on "no alcohol". It would put me off staying with them.

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 06:18

WandaWonder · 30/12/2023 06:12

If I knew your house didn't drink I wouldn't bring any

I think the rule is rude though and I have no house rules apart from normal social ones for guests

That's different though, you don't have religious beliefs about alcohol

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 30/12/2023 06:33

We're an alcohol free house. Both DH and I are in recovery (long time but not the point) this is our safe space and we prefer not to have it around. I don't think it's rude or unreasonable to not have alcohol in a home were the hosts don't drink for whatever the reason. Equally when I go to my vegans friends for a meal I don't think it's rude she doesn't serve meat just because I eat it. I don't see it any differently to someone asking me to take my shoes off when I go in their home - although I like a heads up so I can make sure I'm wearing nice socks

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 06:41

@NeverAloneNeverAgain yes that would be awful! When I got potential broken toe checked (it was painful to walk) I made sure to bath my feet thoroughly but couldn't find my flats so turned up in red suede high heeled shoes. I did think it might have looked a bit odd.

Congrats on sobriety :)

AGoingConcern · 30/12/2023 07:07

This is entirely reasonable, just communicate it to your guests ahead of time. Specifically, be clear if you don’t want guests bringing alcohol and don’t just say you won’t be serving it.

Respecting peoples’ values and rules in their own homes is just basic manners. When I visit certain parts of my family I don’t show up with bare shoulders or short shorts or start discussing my pro-choice views in front of their children. I didn’t expect to share a bed with my boyfriend in my parents’ home. I don’t get upset when my friends who keep kosher don’t serve cheese on the burgers at their summer cook out. I sit quietly and wait to eat while friends or family pray before meals. Similarly, my guests may go topless in their own homes, preach against homosexuality at their dinner table, or use racial slurs, but if they do so in my home they’ll be asked to stop immediately or leave.

This is all just a continuation of the respect for other peoples’ homes that I was taught as a small child. If I came home to my mom complaining that Emily’s mom only let us watch pre-approved movies or didn’t allow shoes in the house or food in the living room, I would be told I could follow their house rules or not go over there.

WandaWonder · 30/12/2023 07:10

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 06:18

That's different though, you don't have religious beliefs about alcohol

Show quote history

If I had religious beliefs around alcohol or anything else that would be to cover me personally not my guests

MorningSunshineSparkles · 30/12/2023 07:15

I’m teetotal, not through any alcoholism but just because I don’t drink and don’t like to be around drunk people. I wouldn’t have alcohol in my house and wouldn’t allow anyone to take it/drink it here either. I don’t think there’s an issue with that, if people want to consume alcohol they go somewhere that does serve it surely?

Tonight1 · 30/12/2023 07:19

@WandaWonder umm...I do think it's up to the hosts.

Guests could have a drink beforehand and then afterwards when they get home.

I drank an awful lot end November then stopped doing that but even I would be happy with delicious alcohol free drinks. It's not imperative!

winniebeen · 30/12/2023 09:58

ihavebadteeth · 30/12/2023 01:06

I saw this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4973136-being-told-what-to-order-from-takeaway
Initially,.I thought it unfair that the OP couldn't eat what she wanted. I then read that it was because her hosts were vegetarians.. which then made me think about myself.

DH and I don't drink alcohol (reason is both religious and personal preference). We wouldn't want alcohol being drunk in our home. If we had a guest who wanted to drink would it be unreasonable to say it wouldn't be OK?

For background, this is mine and DH's first he together. Prior to meeting DH, I lived with my parents and so if I caught up with friends it would have been outside at a restaurant etc. and so we haven't yet been in a situation where we might have friends over and someone might want alcohol

What would be the reason for not wanting alcohol in the house?

I see the lack of wanting meat as a principled thing- a lifestyle choice. Is it the same with you?

Btw I think the 'no meat in the house' person was being silly foisting their principles on another and I kind of feel the same about this.

I don't really drink but I wouldn't ask guests not to.

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2023 10:02

Your house, your rules as long as its clear beforehand so people can choose to come or not

Wellhellooooodear · 30/12/2023 10:07

I think no alcohol if different than no meat as it changes the way people behave. My friend is a recovering alcoholic so I wouldn't take booze to her house as it would be weird and insensitive to sit there drinking when she wasn't. It's not like veggies are going to be tempted by the meat is it.

Whaleandsnail6 · 30/12/2023 10:08

I see this as completely different to the vegetarian meal issue and I dont think you are unreasonable in asking this (whereas I thought the friends in the takeaway situation were unreasonable)

Alcohol can affect others behaviour which can impact on others Eating a chicken curry is very unlikely to affect how someone behaves

Also, for me the issue on the vegetarian takeaway thread was that the op had to spend money on something that she would not choose and did not like...her friend did not provide the food. Had the vegetarian hosts provided the food, I would not have thought them unreasonable .

ClairDeLaLune · 30/12/2023 10:13

Ilovelurchers · 30/12/2023 03:05

I struggle HUGELY with this view I have to say. I know it's extremely common on Mumsnet to read this "your house, your rules" stuff It's a very right wing, individualistic approach. I personally do NOT think that owning or renting a house somehow gives you dominion over others and the magical right to dictate their behaviour/ what is right or wrong. And indeed, Indeed, as a maxim it's really dangerously as it encourages and excuses all kinds of domestic abuse. (I am sure that's not the intention of many who use it)

OP, I don't drink either and my preference is for no alcohol in my home but I don't really feel it's something I can dictate to others over - in the general run of things I would find that rude and controlling
However there are definite exceptions I can thinks of:

  1. . If anyone in your house feels their sobriety would be jeopardised by alcohol in the home, I would make an exception to that and definitely say no alcohol - mental and physical health trump's manners any day in my book.
  1. If your religion teaches that alcohol in the home is always wrong, then of course you must follow that - I don't think anyone would expect you to contravene religious laws for the sake of politeness.
Show quote history

Interesting to look at this from a political point of view! I would have thought it was the other way round though - a right wing person is more likely to want the freedom of choice for each individual to do what they want, and a left wing person is more likely to look collectively and take everyone’s views into account.

I’m left wing and I would take the view of respecting the hosts’ wishes. If I went to the house of a vegetarian I wouldn’t expect to eat meat, and if I went to the house of someone who didn’t drink for religious reasons I wouldn’t expect to drink myself.

soundsys · 30/12/2023 10:22

Totally fine. If I was visiting I'd bring a nice bottle of some sort of grown -up non-alcoholic drink

soundsys · 30/12/2023 10:22

(I do drink but wouldn't expect to in the home of someone who doesn't - I can have a nice evening without wine!)

Felisenavedad · 30/12/2023 10:35

Your house, your rules.

Just make it clear at the time of making the arrangements. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

The other thread was an issue as the hosts only told the OP an hour beforehand, plus she was buying her own food and they were telling her what she couldn't choose. It wasn't really anything to do with them not wanting meat in their house. It was their poor communication and the OP still going along with it then moaning afterwards.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2023 10:37

Totally reasonable for the reasons you have outlined and it would seem very odd to me if anyone had a problem with that.

If you are Muslims (I’m not sure you are but that seems most likely based on what you have written) I think that many people would anticipate this anyway.

Probably worth flagging to be totally clear and avoid embarrassment.

KinS24 · 30/12/2023 10:46

My group of mum friends includes a couple of Muslims who don’t drink (and one who does!). When we go to the non drinkers houses we don’t take alcohol.
We don’t eat meat when we are at the two vegetarian’s houses.
We do drink alcohol when we go to the drinkers’ houses. I do remember we checked the first time (many years ago) and the non drinkers had no issue with others drinking.
It’s all quite cheerful and nobody gets offended or upset.
Mostly we go out to eat and frequent the same Indian veggie place that does BYO and the drinkers share some wine.