To be sad my adult children aren’t close

[betwixtmass]

My DS and DD are two years apart and were inseparable growing up - my DS settled down with his now wife in his early 20’s and (quite understandably) spent more time with my now DIL than doing family things which my DD found a bit hard to accept initially & I think she felt that DiL didn’t make enough effort to get to know her and integrate into our family.

I’d hoped that once my DD settled down with her DH, that they would come back together again but it seems the opposite has happened and they have grown further apart. Unfortunately there were some argument around my DS’s wedding between DD and DiL, which I don’t think has helped the situation.

They’re all civil at family occasions, but don’t spend time together as a 4 - they live within 15 mins of each other but have only been to each others houses once in the last 2 years, which I find really odd.

I just feel so sad that they aren’t close especially as they are both married now and grandchildren are on the horizon - I am so close with my brother & his wife, and always imagined my children would be the same and their children would be close but it just doesn’t seem like that will happen.

has anyone been in the same position ? Were you able to bring your children back together again ?

I know it’s not as simple as it sounds but it’s true. That’s why I never talk to my mother about this. She wouldn’t except that she should have done some of things differently so they wouldn’t feed into mine and DSis personality differences.
In OP’s post she clearly didn’t work hard enough on her DD’s relationship with future DIL.

Made welcome, yes, by both partners' families when you form a new household but you don't integrate into the DS or DiL's family (unless we're talking some kind of multi-generational living set up). After all, your first priority is now your partner and any children, if they come along, not a sibling.

I did wonder from the OP WHAT the DD was doing at the point when DS and DiL got married. She was presumably in her 20s too as she is close in age to the DS, yet there was resentment that DiL wasn't integrating into family life? But that makes it sound like the DD is still a teenager living at home supported by her parents rather than an independent adult? I definitely wasn't part of family life from 20 onwards - I was studying or working, living independently and seeing my parents/sibling a few times a year as they weren't local to me.

Based on people I know, only about 5% are at all close to their siblings. I'm neutral on mine, though we had a pretty 'normal' upbringing and no major fallings out. Just different personality types/tribes which became increasingly obvious from teens onwards. Choosing partners and having children really solidified the differences if anything.

Not being close to siblings doesn't mean a person is "lonely and unsupported"! Support can come from many sources and many of us don't need families for that. I think it should be accepted that we're all different, so please don't pity those people who don't see their adult siblings.

It is sad OP. I wouldn't push DD and DIL together though maybe they don't click as people? I think its a little odd that they both live near by and DD doesn't see her brother much but there must be a reason...

I think we're speaking at cross-purposes. Integrating into a family to me means getting to know the extended family, spending time with them, regular contact with them, showing some care for them and helping out if they go through major life events. Becoming part of that extended family and treating them as such. I'm not talking about intergenerational living or being in each other's pockets. It's perfectly possible to establish a new household with a partner and them become part of your extended family. One doesn't need to replace the other and it's to everyone's detriment if a new partner tries to make it do so (in close families where care and love is reciprocal).

@BeaRF75 that poster wasn't pitying anybody she/he pointed out that even if it is the norm ots still sad. OP is entitled to feel sad about this. There's quite a few passive comments here

Whatever it was it certainly wasn't DD's decision or right to have her way!

@Spirallingdownwards OP's posts don't say that she did demand to have anything her way. Just that a decision was made that had a large impact on her. We don't know what it was or what the impact was so we can't possibly judge if it was reasonable or not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And? So what? Something about her brother's wedding had an impact of her. It was their wedding their choice. Whatever it was that impacted DD she should have and presumably did suck it up. In the absence of OP saying, it is more than likely something ridiculous like she had to take a day off or she was mardy she wasn't a bridesmaid. If it was anything at all reasonable OP would have said what it was. And of course it was DIL's fault not her DS's despite it being his wedding too.

It's DD and DIL where there's a problem - nothing you can do about that - DIL is not your child.

While it might make you feel sad OP, it is what it is and there isn't anything you can do to change it. All you can do is maintain a healthy and balanced relationship with each of your children (and secretly hope they find a common ground again one day if you like). Don't show any bias towards one or the other and support your DIL and your DD's partner equally. Hard as it is, their relationships with each other are theirs and not yours, you don't have the right to intervene in any of them, only your own with each of them. Don't take sides, channel Switzerland and stay neutral.

(I always think of threads like this when I see yet another thread bashing only children and the oft-repeated "but they should have a sibling, it's not fair! What about when you are old and need care, they will need each other then" etc etc.)

It's genuinely lovely when adult siblings get on well, keep in contact and enjoy each other's company. It's not something that can be forced though, is it...

I haven't had mine a lot of the time since they were just 3 and 6, and even less now (they're 13 and 16). I just hope and pray they see the truth when they are adults and come home, although we will never get back those childhood years 😞
But I guess once they are adults it's up to them, as painful as it is ❤️.

Honestly, I think that you have exacerbated this issue in your DD and have meddled, perhaps without meaning to.

When your DS met DIL, he became a bit more interested in creating traditions with her than with his sister, and you and DD clearly judged DIL for not "fitting in" enough. Maybe the thing to do was to help DD with acceptance and to try to build a relationship with DS and DIL that didn't just expect her to be the sidekick and hanger on in whatever you wanted to continue doing.

Equally, it's pretty clear you took and encouraged your DD's side on the wedding front and judged your DIL for being "demanding" (which can be true, but can also be a sign of stress or familial expectations). It was her wedding, her choice, i'm afraid.

You have a right to feel sad, but I think you should also try to examine your past behaviour and encourage your DD to accept people as they are, not as you want them to be.

We are a group of 3 siblings and we are all totally different people with very little in common despite being siblings, it’s not that we don’t like each other I would say it’s more ambivalence. We are just too different to fit together. We have all made very different life choices too which makes common ground hard to find

The 'integrated' thing sounds like it will vary in meaning depending on where you and your family live though and how close a relationship you have?

It sounds in the OP like the DD had been used to spending a lot of time with the DS (again, how old were they both before the DiL came along as I can't really imagine this much past late teens because lives and interests go in different directions) and then was surprised to find he wanted to spend more time with his new partner. Which is entirely normal and understandable? How did the OP support the DD to get her head around this?!

YANBU to feel sad but I agree with previous posters that it’s common especially in brother/ sister relationships & also you shouldn’t interfere.

You definitely shouldn't interfere. My sil and dh fell out years ago and he barely has a relationship at all with MIL now because she sided with SIL and doesn't miss an opportunity to make him feel bad about not having a better relationship with his sister. It's at the point now where he barely speaks to MIL because so much time has passed and there's so many things that can't be repaired. Whether she agreed with their fall out or not, she wouldn't have lost her son and grandchild if she had just accepted that they were two adults who don't get on. Interestingly, the situation sounds very similar. I was the DIL who SIL viewed as stealing her brother away from the family, ruining their relationship and not making enough effort. The reality was that nothing I ever did was good enough and it became unbearable. MIL also chose to minimise her relationship with me due to SIL's views of me which in turn further impacted on her relationship with her son. I think she also hoped that grandchildren would change things but it didn't, in some ways it made it worse. I would seriously consider whether you have to become involved in this at all or force the issue or whether you can accept its not what you want but continue to maintain relationships with both of them without ever mentioning their relationship.

Sensing a dripfeed with the wedding stuff