To be sad my adult children aren’t close

[betwixtmass]

My DS and DD are two years apart and were inseparable growing up - my DS settled down with his now wife in his early 20’s and (quite understandably) spent more time with my now DIL than doing family things which my DD found a bit hard to accept initially & I think she felt that DiL didn’t make enough effort to get to know her and integrate into our family.

I’d hoped that once my DD settled down with her DH, that they would come back together again but it seems the opposite has happened and they have grown further apart. Unfortunately there were some argument around my DS’s wedding between DD and DiL, which I don’t think has helped the situation.

They’re all civil at family occasions, but don’t spend time together as a 4 - they live within 15 mins of each other but have only been to each others houses once in the last 2 years, which I find really odd.

I just feel so sad that they aren’t close especially as they are both married now and grandchildren are on the horizon - I am so close with my brother & his wife, and always imagined my children would be the same and their children would be close but it just doesn’t seem like that will happen.

has anyone been in the same position ? Were you able to bring your children back together again ?

It was DIL's wedding not DD's. Literally nothing DIL did was incorrect. I am going to guess DD expected to be a bridesmaid or similar. It was entirely DIL's choice. The fact you describe DIL as being precious about a choice she made about her own wedding shows who you supported in this regard. Be thankful that DS and DIL still have a relationship with you if you expressed your view too.

My advice is treat them the same and never voice your feelings regarding their relationship.

My mother was an only child and had my sister so I had a sibling. The reality is we have nothing in common and see each other twice a year. I really appreciate my parents not trying to force a relationship between us. They are like Switzerland completely neutral. If I asked them (which I don’t) I’m sure they would wish we had a relationship. It was their decision to have two children any feelings they have about our relationship is their business.

I understand why you are upset OP but it sounds like even though you’ve taken her side that your DD upset your DIL about her wedding and that’s affected DD and DS relationship (I’m assuming bridesmaid dress related?) If they all have children that may bring them closer together hopefully.

im very close with my siblings as we are similar as people. DH and his DS could not be more different and they never speak to each other despite living about 15 mins apart. There’s no falling out, they just don’t have anything to say to each other:

I kind of see that happening in my life - my DH was super close with his brother growing up. We're married now, life is busy, they don't see each other much at all. His brother now has a partner and child, they're busy too. We don't ever hang out as a group or visit each other tbh as his partner isn't very nice. It's nothing they're bothered about, I think I think about it more than my DH!

Depending on what the wedding issue was, I do find that "bridezilla" is often used to describe someone standing up for what they want for once!

They are adults and not same sex why do you need them to be anything but happy

They may reconnect if they have children along a similar timeline and the cousins connect. They may also bond later on in life if they have to take on some joint caring responsible responsibilities for aging parents. Who know? But in any case it’s nothing you can influence.

To be sad my adult children aren’t close

YANBU. Any good parent should want their children to be friends.

I’m afraid when it comes to other people’s weddings it’s better to put up and shut up. What happened?

Unless DIL was being controlling or mean, DIL should have just sucked it up.

I did the same at my DH’s sister’s wedding. Helped as I was asked, sat where I was asked to and won my SIL for life. My DH’s brother’s wife resisted the plans, left early and her and my DH’s sister stayed distant from then on.

I don't know many brother/sister pair siblings that are close, in fact, it's noticeable that many of my female friends aren't hostile to their brothers, they just feel they have nothing in common, the whole family (inc in laws) has just moved in a different direction in life. I know probably 5 or 6 pairs like this, one where the brother massively shafted the sister money wise, and a couple like myself who get on well with their brothers.

I know if I write this then I will be besieged by the mums of boys, but I find men far less good at keeping up family contacts and relations especially once married or settled down, this goes for my male friends as well. My female friends do all that, and if they don't want to bother, it doesn't happen. I'm sure there are exceptions to this, and my brother does drop by to see me and I always like spending time with him.

I know sisters that are closer or sisters that hate each other, but in general I find sisters keener to repair the family bonds, a lot of men just drift off or get the hump and it's who their female partner bothers with that are the people they have relationships with.

I await the onslaught!

You are not unreasonable to be sad, it’s much better when you have good relationship with your siblings, you can rely on them for support, share with them good moments, etc
And it’s your fault, sorry, as a parent (and their Dad of course). It’s not deliberate but it seems that something was missing down the line or something was handled wrongly. Maybe your DD was not taking seriously her brother’s relationship from the start and you missed this. And your DIL having her own sister is not helping, of course it’s easier for her to get together with her own sister. But it’s on your son too, it’s obvious that he doesn’t feel need to get together with HIS own sister, we don’t know why but it’s the reality.
i would ask both of them gently but it’s a tricky question. I wouldn’t tell my mum what the problem was as she’s not very clever with these conversations and would straight away tell everything to my sister. Also the answer would involve some blame on parents and no one would like this sort of criticism.

I think you should focus on grandkids and facilitate friendship between them as much as possible and it will help. Siblings relationships are changing over time, sometime they get closer sometimes they grow apart. So it still might change significantly.

Im lucky, elder of two have a super close relationship with my DBro. He's one of the people I trust most in the world and I love him to bits. Fought a lot as children and were quite distant during our young adulthood, but very lose now in late middle age. My kids are all at home - but I hope when older they have close relationships with each other

It may be normal but it’s still sad isn’t it? Ideally families stay close-ish, look out for each other. That doesn’t mean living in each others pockets but it’s unsurprising so many people feel lonely and unsupported now.

Am I the only one who would love to hear the DIL’s side to this story?

The relationship between my Dsis and I has never been great - we are very different people, poles apart in fact.

Please don't push for them to have a close relationship, the basis for it is either there or its not.

Why was the DiL expected to integrate into your family? Who gave your DD that idea? When your DS and DiL got together and became a partnership they started a new household/family. They don't need to integrate with anybody?!

I'd just let them get on with it. Siblings don't need to be close, friends are better as you can choose them.

You are not unreasonable to be sad, it’s much better when you have good relationship with your siblings, you can rely on them for support, share with them good moments, etc
And it’s your fault, sorry, as a parent (and their Dad of course). It’s not deliberate but it seems that something was missing down the line or something was handled wrongly.

Its really unfair to suggest that it’s automatically the fault of the parents. Sometimes, yes, but some siblings will just not get on because of personality differences / clashes.

I disagree. I have 2 sisters. Objectively I can see I wouldn’t choose to be friends with probably either of them as we are very different and have different interests. However growing up together means we are now very close. Able to tolerate each other’s little ‘ways’ and it’s been a great exercise actually in forming relationships with people who aren’t exactly like you. We enjoy teasing each other about it (one is a total hun and loves crushed velvet, the other is a frugi mummy who bores on about child rearing). But I would feel differently if they were genuinely unpleasant for example.

DH's children live a couple of miles apart, though forty-odd from us. They see each other two or three times a year.

I think my sister hates me even more because I’m a sibling. I think she’d quite like me if I was a mere cousin or older sibling.

She hates me because she has middle child syndrome and thinks I stole attention as the youngest.

Her hatred is irrational and cannot be reasoned with.

My lovely mum accepts our estrangement, it no longer makes her sad. She is probably also relieved as our lack of contact means there is very little risk of our fighting. We have ceased to exist for each other.

I have to say I agree with this. IME men just seem to disappear once they at least have a serious gf, it’s so strange as I don’t even think the girlfriends are encouraging this. Maybe it’s just laziness? I have a friend who just disappeared when he got a serious gf, and finally after many years and I guess as his kids are becoming less dependent on him he gets upset that he doesn’t seem to have many friends… 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you are unreasonable, but you're definitely unrealistic. I don't know any adults who get on with their siblings, the relationship is usually somewhere between "couldn't give a damn if they never saw them again" and "outright hatred". It's unusual to be friends with a sibling for the very reason they were the competition when you were growing up. Every advantage they took from you, every time they bullied you, every time they were treated more favourably than you, it all adds up.

I genuinely can't think of anything nice my brother ever did. Plenty of nasty and abusive shit, but not a single nice thing.

It was DIL's wedding not DD's. Literally nothing DIL did was incorrect.

You can't possibly know this. Some people are very over the top and precious about their weddings and don't consider the impact of things they decide on their guests. It doesn't seem reasonable to conclude that whatever DIL decided to do must be ok because it was her wedding: that's the very definition of bridezilla! Equally she may have been right. But you have no way to reliably come to the conclusion you've stated above from the deliberately vague information the OP provided. This feels like some projection.

Absolutely you aren't. I think OP needs to be very careful or she will alienate her son.

Would you like to be forced into a fake friendship with someone you dont care about op?

No?

I suspect your DD and DIL dont either

What a strange view! Of course by marrying somebody you are joining their family and anybody reasonable would expect to integrate into that, and to be welcomed: it goes both ways. Family is a core part of who we are. Someone doesn't cease to be part of their family just because they have a partner now! This view remind me a lot of how some step-parents view blended family situations, that the "new family" replaces the one that existed long before they came along and that is viewed as an inconvenience to be minimised as much as possible. It's a very sad way of viewing things and I can imagine that where such attitudes exist in partners marrying into a family this will undoubtedly cause family rifts.