Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my adult children aren’t close

119 replies

betwixtmass · 29/12/2023 11:53

My DS and DD are two years apart and were inseparable growing up - my DS settled down with his now wife in his early 20’s and (quite understandably) spent more time with my now DIL than doing family things which my DD found a bit hard to accept initially & I think she felt that DiL didn’t make enough effort to get to know her and integrate into our family.

I’d hoped that once my DD settled down with her DH, that they would come back together again but it seems the opposite has happened and they have grown further apart. Unfortunately there were some argument around my DS’s wedding between DD and DiL, which I don’t think has helped the situation.

They’re all civil at family occasions, but don’t spend time together as a 4 - they live within 15 mins of each other but have only been to each others houses once in the last 2 years, which I find really odd.

I just feel so sad that they aren’t close especially as they are both married now and grandchildren are on the horizon - I am so close with my brother & his wife, and always imagined my children would be the same and their children would be close but it just doesn’t seem like that will happen.

has anyone been in the same position ? Were you able to bring your children back together again ?

OP posts:
LegoFlower · 29/12/2023 13:29

margotrose · 29/12/2023 12:57

While that's true at a personality level there is something in having shared experiences throughout childhood that cannot be replaced with others.

Lots of siblings don't view their childhoods in the same way, though. I've read so many posts on here from adults who feel like they were the scapegoat while their sibling was the golden child. They're not likely to have many "shared experiences" even though they were raised together.

I think being raised together can go one of two ways, really. Either you become really close and remain that way, or you tolerate each other and then don't really speak once you're no longer having to share space anymore.

Very true. And I was the family scapegoat, but I don't blame my brothers for that. I fully appreciate the dynamics are different for different people though, every family is different and I completely agree that it would be counterproductive for the OP to try to force the situation. She's allowed to be sad about it, though, especially if they were close as children as she said. The PP's idea about fostering good relationships between the grandchildren is a great idea, having them all to stay at the same time etc.

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 13:32

Am quite surprised by the %s in the vote.

OP didn't ask if she should try and do something about it, she asked if she WBU to feel sad.
Of course YANBU to feel it is a shame and feel a bit sad OP. I love that my dc and partners all get on really well and same with their cousins and partners. Good to know they will all look out for one another and help one another out as needed as they go through life. I would be like you, and feel sad if they weren't.

I agree with everyone that there isn't anything you can do about it, and YWBU to interfere, but it doesn't stop you feeling sad.

BlueMongoose · 29/12/2023 13:36

It may change over time. I'd be patient, and keep all communications open, without putting on any pressure or trying to change anything.

DeeLusional · 29/12/2023 13:40

itsmyp4rty · 29/12/2023 12:29

You might find that they come back together more if they have kids of similar ages and the cousins get on well. Don't try to force the situation, just let things evolve and stay as neutral as you can.

This.

Lwrenagain · 29/12/2023 13:43

SmugglersHaunt · 29/12/2023 11:59

I was really close to my older brother growing up, but the moment he met his now wife it all changed. He's stopped speaking to me altogether on many occasions (for 18 months, another time for 2 years, most recently for 10 years). We were only brought back together by my dad's death. Now he'll only speak to me on a very practical level about caring for our elderly mum. He's told me he doesn't like me, but can't say why. At my dad's funeral, he said to me: 'We just have to work together like colleagues on a work project until mum is dead, then I never want to see or speak to you again'.

I'm past caring about having any relationship with him (in fact, I can't wait till I never have to deal with him again (which is his wish!). He's been vile to me on multiple occasions). What I can't forgive is how much his attitude has upset my mum and dad, and they didn't/don't need it in their 80s. No one can understand why he hates me so much and he refuses to explain himself.

My only advice would be to gently ask each child what the problem is, but don't push it, as they may turn on you (although I'm not sure of your relationship with each child). My dad tried to intervene with my brother and was told he was 'bullying' him (pathetic, but standard response). So they stopped trying.

I hope you can somehow get past it, or it can be resolved, as I know how horrible it is.

Fucking hell that's so icy! I often read things on here that upset me and make me fume but this one really truly angered me. I have no words, I'm just wanting you to know that is awful and you deserve so much better. X

Isthatarealname · 29/12/2023 13:43

I think I know of 2 people in real life who are close to their siblings. one being me to my step-sister but not my other siblings. The other I know goes between best friends and not speaking to her sister.

Everyone else just sees their sibling when they see parents

LlynTegid · 29/12/2023 13:46

I can get your sadness, being practical perhaps, would they be supportive together if help was needed by you or another family member?

Santaiscomingsoon · 29/12/2023 13:48

Crazy question, why is it a shame? Just because they are related doesn’t mean they have to be friends. It doesn’t sound like they are bothered it’s more bothering you.

I understand it would be nice to have that perfect family but if they are civil and still speak thinking about most families I think that’s winning!

Pigeon31 · 29/12/2023 13:49

I am very close to my sisters, but that is partly because our mum died young and I felt (as the oldest) that it was my job to keep the family together and that kind of continued. I'm glad we did though, because we chat on social media every day and meet up once a month or so for cinema/ theatre trips.

Daisies12 · 29/12/2023 13:52

Be sad all you want but please leave them alone. Being siblings doesn’t mean you have anything in common. It’s good they are civil. And for gods sake do not mention grandkids or put pressure on. My mum does this. And I had a miscarriage this year, and it’s utterly heartbreaking for me.

VanityDiesHard · 29/12/2023 13:53

betwixtmass · 29/12/2023 12:25

@Allthingsdecember I know my DD isn’t always perfect but my DIL was quite a bridezilla at times and that’s why they fell out. I don’t want to be too outing but she was very precious over a certain aspect of the wedding that directly impacted my DD and my DD made her feelings known. Unfortunately I think this has been an underlying tension between them since.

Maybe I should encourage DD and DIL to spend some time together and see if that works

No, don't. It sounds like you have taken your daughter's side on this, which is understandable but not helpful. Stay out of it.

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 13:55

I'm close with all my siblings. My DH barely speaks to either of his 2 brothers. I think it's a shame and I make a point of speaking to his brother I see occasionally. It's a pity OP but I think you just have to leave it and hope once there are DC they will make an effort for cousins to meet up.

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 13:57

betwixtmass · 29/12/2023 12:47

@Utterbunkum well i suppose I always wanted them to have what I have with my brother & to know when I’m gone, they still have each other. And for me, selfishly, I always imagined days out with all the grandkids, holidays etc but I just can’t see that happening.

i do understand what everyone is saying about not forcing it / if they are civil with each other than can’t ask for more, but it’s still hard for me to accept.

I think I find comfort in knowing when I pass my DC will still have each other.

theduchessofspork · 29/12/2023 13:59

You are perfectly entitled to feel sad, but that doesn’t mean there’s a thing you can do about it, and any attempts to are just likely to prolong your unhappiness.

Enjoy them both for who they are.

TripleDaisySummer · 29/12/2023 14:00

I think it will be a win if my children talk to each other regularly - more than me and my siblings do and there's been no big falling out.

I had hope Diss having a child same time and us moving nearby would being us closer- opposite really and some of that was my DMum's behaviour - comparisons and favoritism with GC.

If not they get close in late 50s if geographically - though FIL chosen to do that with cousins rather than his brothers who I think he dislikes more ever year though why is a mystery.

BeaRF75 · 29/12/2023 14:01

ManateeFair · 29/12/2023 12:54

They aren’t obliged to be close just to keep you happy. They’re adults with their own lives and their own personalities. Just because they’re siblings, there’s no reason they would also be friends.

You can’t engineer this. They’re pleasant to each other in your company, so just accept it.

Totally this. Their relationship sounds pretty standard for adult siblings. Please don't try to push them I to some Disney fantasy of an extended family. They have their own lives, they have friends - that's fine.

RoseGoldEagle · 29/12/2023 14:02

How old are they OP? I think relationships can change a lot through the decades. If they’re fairly recently married they may be focused on their careers, own friends and their own marriage. (Of course siblings that get on well would still see each other during this time too, but I guess the rift with DIL means it’s just a bit too much like hard work, for no obvious gain, at the moment.)

Like a PP I also wonder if things will change when grandchildren come along (if they do). Wanting your own children to have an extended family with cousins and aunts and uncles they’re close to can be quite a big motivator for some people. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel sad about it, but you’re probably best just staying neutral, enjoying their company separately, I think any attempt at anything else could drive then further apart.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 29/12/2023 14:02

please don't try to intercede. You will probably make it worse.

I'm not close to my siblings, it's both geographical and historic. It was a difficult and abusive childhood and we have all separated from it in our own ways. No big rows or arguments, we just don't really get on. We have very little in common. The very, very rare meetings are civil but awkward.

I know my mum wishes we were closer. That's incredibly hypocritical as she and her many sisters are/were constantly rowing and going NC. At any given moment over the last 60 years at least 3 out of the 5 of them would be feuding! They are old now and only 3 of them are still alive and my mum isn't speaking to either of them.

It wouldn't be so bad if mum wasn't constantly trying to manipulate me and my siblings into relationships we don't want. She will tell one of us that another one wants to hear about our new house or that they are super interested in a nephews hobby. That has lead to very awkward phone calls when we ring up and say 'Mum says you wanted to hear about X ' and the sibling on the end of the phone hasn't got a clue what we are talking about. Nowadays we have learned to ignore her machinations.

She has also started doing it with some of her GC and my brother. He has been a totally absentee dad for over 15 years and his adult children currently have no desire to see or hear from him. Her constant stirring and trying to create a relationship between them annoys him and alienates them.

This is all particularly difficult at the moment. Mum is on end of life care. I'm torn between anger at a lifetime of her selfish manipulations and grief during what is proving to be a slow and painful passing. As the only local child and named NOK it's down to me to keep my brothers and sister informed. It's really hard to strike a balance between keeping them updated in case they want to visit her without seeming to be morally blackmailing them into a visit (which would be repeating Mum's behaviour).

Just love your children as they are OP. They will make the choices that work for them.

WellThatWasUnfortunate · 29/12/2023 14:09

My DH and SIL fell out over her toxic treatment of me. MIL tried the crying about how her 2 children won’t be in the same room together. It didn’t have the desired effect and she almost lost her DS over it.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 29/12/2023 14:10

I'd also add that sibbling relationships evolve over time. I was fairly close to all my siblings (there are 4 of us) when a child. As we all grew up and went to Uni we spent less and less time togther - and for probably the best part of 25 years only really met up at weddings or wider family gatherings organised by parents or grandparents (when they were alive).

Now we are all in our 40s/50s and settled in our own lives we actually spend more time chatting by 'phone/whatsapp or meeting up then we ever did in our 20s/30s. But I am also closer to a brother that, when grwoing up, I barely soent any time with, But, we all have more time now - when starting out in life as an adult we are all generally so busy establishing oursleves in relationships/ careers /homes that something has to give!

dottiedodah · 29/12/2023 14:15

Sadly we cant make people like each other ! Everyone has their own personality. 2 young women may get on together, or maybe not ,like Meghan and Kate for example .As long as they are not openly hostile I would leave it at that.Its great you get on well with DB and his wife ,but by no means the usual Im afraid

Possimpible · 29/12/2023 14:16

betwixtmass · 29/12/2023 12:36

@itsmyp4rty yes I’m hoping they will bond over having children. I know it’s really important to my DD to have a close relationship with any nieces or nephews so im hoping they’ll all make an effort with each other

It sounds like you've really taken your daughter's side in this, which might have something to do with it. Maybe DIL doesn't want children? Are you just assuming grandchildren will come along?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 29/12/2023 14:18

Your relationship with your children is very separate to the relationship they have with each other. You just continue to have a good relationship with them both separately, and leave them to work out what they feel about each other for themselves. They don't have to be friends, or even like each other.

I'm lucky that my five all seem quite close now, and their partners all get on too. It's a huge surprise, as they all fought constantly when they were young, and the fallings-out were HUGE and horrific for me as their mum. No idea what happened, maturity, I guess.

Newsenmum · 29/12/2023 14:20

This sounds a bit like us and the truth is, once you get married, people (the men specifically)often change to be more like their partner or fit their partners life.

We’re not close to bil anymore as have absolutely nothing in common (apart from the fact we’re married with small kids). Pretty much everything else we do differently. We’ll always be nice and civil but no way would we be friends if not related.

SomeCatFromJapan · 29/12/2023 14:22

It's strange to me too. DH and his sisters barely see each other from one year to the next - no fall-out, just a mutual lack of interest. They get on fine when they do see each other.

I've just lost a brother and it feels like I've lost a vital organ.