To be sad my adult children aren’t close

[betwixtmass]

My DS and DD are two years apart and were inseparable growing up - my DS settled down with his now wife in his early 20’s and (quite understandably) spent more time with my now DIL than doing family things which my DD found a bit hard to accept initially & I think she felt that DiL didn’t make enough effort to get to know her and integrate into our family.

I’d hoped that once my DD settled down with her DH, that they would come back together again but it seems the opposite has happened and they have grown further apart. Unfortunately there were some argument around my DS’s wedding between DD and DiL, which I don’t think has helped the situation.

They’re all civil at family occasions, but don’t spend time together as a 4 - they live within 15 mins of each other but have only been to each others houses once in the last 2 years, which I find really odd.

I just feel so sad that they aren’t close especially as they are both married now and grandchildren are on the horizon - I am so close with my brother & his wife, and always imagined my children would be the same and their children would be close but it just doesn’t seem like that will happen.

has anyone been in the same position ? Were you able to bring your children back together again ?

Why is it 'such a shame', though? It doesn't sound like some bitter feud, they each have their own lives with partners they chose. If THEY are unhappy with the way things are and one wants to improve the relationship but the other doesn't, that would be a shame perhaps, but it doesn't sound like either is feeling that.

I think a lot of parents have this expectation that their children will be close just because they're related.

In reality, two related people are no more likely to get on than two strangers.

I'm really not close to any of my family except my parents - there's never been a falling out, we're just very different people with very different lives.

I can understand why this makes you sad.

It's strange how things pan out. I was very close to my older brother growing up but he now lives on the other side of the world and barely speaks to me or my younger brother. Our childhood was awful and I think in his head it was easier to just block it out and pretend we don't exist even though clearly it was my parents that were abusive and we saved each other as siblings in many ways.

My younger brother I loved dearly growing up and protected but he's significantly younger than me so we weren't as close in terms of shared experiences. When I left the abusive household they prevented me from seeing him until he was an adult. We became very close after that when he also escaped. However, since he met his now wife he has become very selfish and uncaring: unfortunately (I believe) due to unprocessed trauma he has chosen a controlling, manipulative partner much like our mother and prioritises her demands over his family in everything. He has changed into a very different person now and I can't imagine I'll be able to be close to him again while he remains married to her.

My children are very close in age and so close to each other. They are very different but understand each other completely and love each other so much. But who knows where their lives will take them as adults. I really hope that they will remain close because they could be the best friend each other can ever have, there through everything when I am long gone. I hope for this so much especially given we have little extended family.

Friends and partners come and go but family won't, if we have loving relationships and make sure we value these as one of our priorities. I also feel their differences enable them to "fill the gaps" for each other in some ways: they protect each other and while they squabble neither would ever tolerate anybody else being mean to their sibling. But I do realise that things may not turn out how I hope when they are adults and I really feel for you because what you have described would make me so, so sad, too. I don't think there is anything you can do though: any interference might backfire hugely and make it worse. People change in ways we can't predict or control, and life and other people get in the way sometimes. Perhaps it will change in time and they will find each other again. There may come a time when they find they need each other and realise what their relationship is worth.

@Utterbunkum well i suppose I always wanted them to have what I have with my brother & to know when I’m gone, they still have each other. And for me, selfishly, I always imagined days out with all the grandkids, holidays etc but I just can’t see that happening.

i do understand what everyone is saying about not forcing it / if they are civil with each other than can’t ask for more, but it’s still hard for me to accept.

I get on fine with my brother & SIL when we see each other at family meet-ups, but we have absolutely nothing in common & each probably wouldn’t bother to contact the other if we happened to be in their area.

My sister & I are really close though & often do things together. It just is what it is.

@EmpressaurusOfCats my DIL has a sister and they are really close so I suppose there is probably a bit of sadness that my DS and DIL spend lots of time with her sister and husband but don’t do the same with his own sister.

Unfortunately life very rarely turns out how we imagine. The good thing is they are civil to each other and partners, I'm guessing there are siblings that can't stand the sight of each other.

In reality, two related people are no more likely to get on than two strangers.

While that's true at a personality level there is something in having shared experiences throughout childhood that cannot be replaced with others. A shared frame of reference and a deep understanding even if you are quite different people with different lives. It is why old friendships with people who have known us since childhood are different to those made later, but a more magnified version because you have spent so much more time with a sibling during formative years. There is scope for a sibling to understand you more than anybody else ever could. But of course it doesn't always work out that way, I know, but I don't think it's a relationship that can be compared with that of somebody met in another context: whether good or bad the relationship with a sibling is far deeper and more complex.

I can guarantee you, speaking from experience, that the more you insist and the more you make them feel guilty about it, the further apart they are going to grow.

It's like this with my own DSis and it isn't a shame. We're both happy. It just is what it is

I totally understand why you feel this way. I really want my kids to be close as adults.

My DH isn't close at all with his siblings, I don't think this is the cause but I think the main thing that my in laws do which is counter productive is consistently favouring their daughter and her children over their sons and their children. So try not to do that.

The other thing you could do if/when they both have children is do things with the grandchildren to build their relationship which may help with your children's relationship too. E.g. when they are old enough, have them all over for tea at yours or sleepover together without their parents or take them out to the panto or some other tradition.

Don’t interfere. DH and BIL are not close, not even on speaking terms now. For many years they rubbed along okay but issues with MIL really ruined things (I’d also blame my SIL here too).
If they had been left to have the relationship they had then they would have been fine. They would never be close, they are incredibly different, but had found a level that worked for them. MIL trying to force them to be ‘close’ and my SILs general behaviour spoiled it.

They aren’t obliged to be close just to keep you happy. They’re adults with their own lives and their own personalities. Just because they’re siblings, there’s no reason they would also be friends.

You can’t engineer this. They’re pleasant to each other in your company, so just accept it.

It very much sounds as though your DD and DIL don't like each other very much, so its not exactly puzzling why they don't all spend time together.

It also sounds like you aren't overly fond of your DIL.

Just let people live their lives. You don't get to choose who others like or opt to have in their lives.

While that's true at a personality level there is something in having shared experiences throughout childhood that cannot be replaced with others.

Lots of siblings don't view their childhoods in the same way, though. I've read so many posts on here from adults who feel like they were the scapegoat while their sibling was the golden child. They're not likely to have many "shared experiences" even though they were raised together.

I think being raised together can go one of two ways, really. Either you become really close and remain that way, or you tolerate each other and then don't really speak once you're no longer having to share space anymore.

You sound like a really kind and well-meaning person OP but please leave this business alone, and do not project your family relationship ideals onto them. You will run the very serious risk of them reducing contact with you too if you are too meddling and attempt to orchestrate relationships.

My DH does not get on with two of his siblings and, yes, I do recognise that MIL finds it upsetting. I would feel the same if my children grew up to be distant with each other. However they are their own people and need to be allowed to do and feel as they wish.

My MIL also tries to engineer relationships by encouraging gift-giving, baby clothes lending, emailing and phone calls, and honestly it’s just painfully irritating that she tries to exert this control over grown adults.

While that's true at a personality level there is something in having shared experiences throughout childhood that cannot be replaced with others. A shared frame of reference and a deep understanding

I think that is also exactly why adult sibling relationships can be so fractious, though. Those shared experiences can be very negative. Or remembered very differently by each sibling. There can be all sorts of resentments etc from childhood. I would actually get on better with my sister if I hadn’t known her as a child. We don’t hate each other or anything but our relationship has definitely been very affected by the dynamic between us as kids.

There is scope for a sibling to understand you more than anybody else ever could

The problem with that is that siblings often think they understand you, but actually haven’t got a clue.

I live a 10 minute walk away from my sister and have only been in her company once in the last 2 years. I suspect once our elderly parents are away and I can finally move to be closer to my kids, we'll never meet again.

No fallings out or arguments we're just not interested in each other at all.

@Didimum (sorry forgot to tag!) My MIL does this too. It’s painful, then when all together she is out with her camera taking photos to post on Facebook to show we are a happy family.

Im one of 3 siblings, we have never got on really even as teens and as adults rarely talk. My mother is one of 5 and we never saw aunts or uncles either growing up

It’s why Ds is an only child, and if we have another it will be because we want to, not for a sibling for Ds. He’s perfectly happy as an only child and I know having siblings doesn’t mean he will grow up friends with them

This.

My dad does the same thing with my sister and I. He admits that my sister despite being 6/7 years apart was always the instigator of our fights and went out of her way to try to bully/embarrass me even as adults, yet he always told us both off for arguing even when I calmly and rightly defended myself. He considered it sibling antics and often said I should still guide her, be the bigger person because I’m the oldest 🙄. He even allowed her to play a prank on me when I was none the wiser and found it funny. I had never known it was a prank and didn’t find it funny when he told me and he couldn’t understand why. My mum and I didn’t always get along and are in a better place but she understood easily why and had him drop it.

Sister and I are now at a place where we are both happy where we are in our sisterhood, only talking when we have to and letting her see and communicate with my children if she is around. We are family, but we are not friends and if it wasn’t for being blood-related we probably would have never crossed paths or became acquaintances due to our differing personalities and interests.

Me and my siblings drifted apart when in our 20s and early 30s as we were busy with our own lives. Once my siblings started having children we all became a lot closer and started to make the effort to see each other more often, just because your DC aren’t close right now doesn’t mean that they won’t be in the future. I think children are a good catalyst for getting people spending time together again so if you think grandchildren are on the horizon you may find they bring your children together.

My two now adult dds dislike each other and rarely spend any time together. They are like chalk and cheese and only have their bloodline in common. Nothing I can do about it really. They know where to find each other if they need to

I have been the DD in this situation. Hindsight is 20 20…. I realise now I was immature and overly demanding. Myself and DB were incredibly close. Best friends. His wife and I are VERY DIFFERENT people. While she actively distanced us (telling him he couldn’t ring me so often, telling me she found it ‘weird’ we were so close and wouldn’t want her chn to be so close and countless other examples), I get that she needed to do that now.

It has taken years! Probably 15 yrs for things to get a bit better. But we are close again. There has been fault on both sides. But I’d still lay down my life for him and know I’m one of his favourite people.

My advice - don’t interfere! It has to happen naturally.

Siblings aren't automatically friends. Some are close. Some are not. They're different, individual people and they form their own families filled with different, individual people. You can't force a close relationship just because two of you are related via blood.