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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my step daughter call me "mum" ?

613 replies

Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:38

Good evening everyone. Long time reader, but new poster. I feel like a horrible mother, and would love some opinions on my situation. Feel free to be as honest as you want.

I am married to a wonderful man, I'll call "William" here for the past 7 years. William has a 9yo daughter and I have a 19yo son. Together, we have 4yo twins.

My son lives with us full time, so does my daughter. The difference is that my son's father is very much involved while my SD's mother is absent.

She has always known who her mother is, but hasn't seen her in 4 years now. SD used to call me by my name, but recently she started calling me mum. I am very happy with it, she even wrote me a beautiful letter asking me to adopt her in the future.

The issue is that my son isn't happy with it. He keeps having arguments with me about how I am not her mother, and that I am betraying him. He goes " I don't call William dad so why would she called you mum". I keep explaining to him that she feels left out that everyone calls me mum in the house apart from her ( That's what she said to me.)

But , for the past week, he stopped talking to and threatens to never see me or his siblings again if I let my stepdaughter call me mum.

I refuse to tell her to not call me what she wants. She has been there since the day I have met my husband. Am I a horrible mother to not take into account my son's expectations/needs?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/12/2023 21:41

Has he been able to explain why he’s so obviously threatened by it?

Does he have an issue with the younger children calling you mum?

My eldest DDs had a short period of being a bit weird when DS started to call me Mum, they were younger than 19 though. With a lot of chat we discovered it was because they were worried that someone would love a child they’d chosen to be mum to more because it was a choice. They quickly got over it once they understood themselves why they were worried.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

Mamamable · 28/12/2023 21:43

YANBU to let her call you Mum. Talk to him about his feelings and make sure he knows it doesn’t change the relationship between the 2 of you but if he threatens to stop speaking to you I’d simply explain to him that you’re a family and very happy with it and that you will not be threatened or let him bully you or a child. At 19 he’s an adult and should know better.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

YourNameGoesHere · 28/12/2023 21:45

YANBU to let her call you mum she's not had a mum since she was 5 years old poor kid no wonder she wants to call you mum.

Your son is being ridiculous to be threatened by a small girl wanting only to fit in!

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:46

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

No, I am not. But if she wants to call me mum, I will not refuse that to her. Her mother hasn't been taking care of her. She saw her maybe 5 times since I have met my husband. Nothing the past 4 years. 4 years is enormous for a 9yo.

OP posts:
compactopera · 28/12/2023 21:46

People call parents-in-law mum and dad. If she wants to call you mum, she can.

Making her call you some contrived variation of "mum Jane" when everyone else just calls you "mum" would be keeping her on the outside and disregarding one of her reasons for wanting to call you mum in the first place.

"Mum" is not a protected title.

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/12/2023 21:46

Is there some other mitigating reason that a 19 year old young Man would be jealous of a 7 year old girl who doesn't have her own Mum around?? I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.

Like a PP assuming it's not SEN or ND that is having an effect here I'd be telling him to grow up, frankly.

Tinkerbyebye · 28/12/2023 21:47

Your 19 year old needs to grow up

If you adopted her would he still not want her to call you mum? The poor child doesn’t know her own mother, and I dont see any harm in her calling you mum

ask your son how he would feel if the situation were reversed and he was 9 years old and wanted to call his step mum mum and some snotty teenage had a strop because he didn’t want his mother to allow it

Sophierx89 · 28/12/2023 21:47

The difference here is your son is an adult and this little girl is 9 years old, I think its wonderful that you've stepped up for her and that she wants to call you mum. I think your son is being quite childish, I really don't understand why he has an issue.

As a parent to a daughter who has an absent father, my daughter is constantly battling with her head about why he didn't want her and has no interest in her and luckily my partner has also stepped up to be her dad. I can imagine your daughter also has similar thoughts and not letting her call you mum could be so damaging to her now.

It's a tough dilemma, I hope your son eventually comes round and understands that she's just a child who just wants to feel a part of a family x

Didimum · 28/12/2023 21:48

A lesson in maturation your 19yr old needs to learn, I think.

Seadreamers · 28/12/2023 21:48

Your DS needs to grow up and act like an adult. Who does he think he is dictating family relationships?

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

pinkstripeycat · 28/12/2023 21:49

He needs to grow up!

tennesseewhiskey1 · 28/12/2023 21:49

Your son sounds awful sorry OP. He needs to grow up.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:50

QueSyrahSyrah · 28/12/2023 21:46

Is there some other mitigating reason that a 19 year old young Man would be jealous of a 7 year old girl who doesn't have her own Mum around?? I can't wrap my head around it otherwise.

Like a PP assuming it's not SEN or ND that is having an effect here I'd be telling him to grow up, frankly.

He does not have any special needs, he is a healthy young man, lots of friends, has a girlfriend. I tried discussing with him, reassuring him that I will always be his mother and nothing will change. Me going from Firstname to mum isn't going to impact on anything. But he just gets mad, and says " She is William's child , are you not happy with the 3 you have?.... I am going to start calling (Father's wife) mum then"

It's so childish. I am lost.

OP posts:
ShiteRider · 28/12/2023 21:50

RedHelenB · 28/12/2023 21:42

But you're not her mum. Could she call you mum and then your name? Having said that , it's not up to your son to decide.

There’s more to being a mum than biology

stomachamaleon · 28/12/2023 21:50

He needs to explain why. Can you speak to him calmly.
My son would be the same but he is asd and you haven't mentioned neurodivergence
He would mean it more in the factual sense though rather than being mean.
You are doing the right thing and if he sulks so be it. He is an adult. I would try and get through to him though.

Catsmere · 28/12/2023 21:51

What's this 19 year old man's issue with his 9 year old stepsister? Is he a bully? He's obviously extremely insecure and immature to be threatened by her calling you Mum. It's not like it stops him using it or being your son. Is he as snarky about his half siblings?

YourNameGoesHere · 28/12/2023 21:51

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

Why is mum too much? She's 9 she wants to fit in and not be the other in her family so having a different name is only going to make the situation worse.

Her being called mum by this child is in no way shape or form going to impact her own kids, he son needs to grow the fuck up.

stomachamaleon · 28/12/2023 21:51

@Lospecesenelrio sorry have just seen your update.

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 21:52

Are you going to adopt her @Lospecesenelrio?Or make so.e other form of life-long commitment? Because this child has already lost one mother, she doesntneed to risk losing g another.

As for your ds, I guess he's feeling pretty replaced by your "new" family and objecting to you styling yourself as mum to your stepdaughter comes from this.

INeverForgetAFaceButInYourCaseIdLikeTo · 28/12/2023 21:52

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 28/12/2023 21:45

I'd tell him to grow the fuck up and stop acting like a bellend. He's 19 not 10. Absolutely no excuse for behaving like that.

I feel sorry that a little girl whose biological mother hasn't seen her for years is seen as a threat to a man of 19

Hoglet70 · 28/12/2023 21:52

He is jealous. He will get over it. He needs to understand she is younger and doesn't have her Mum and he is so lucky. God knows how you get that over to him but I hope you work it out.

Original poster
Lospecesenelrio · 28/12/2023 21:52

FloofCloud · 28/12/2023 21:48

I think mum is too much as there's more than you and her involved. Why not pick another name like mama or something familiar around your own name (so
juju if you're Julie etc ... but solely for her?) or anything that can be portrayed as you being a little different in your relationship? Just tomkeep your own child/children supported too and her own mother really is her mum

So, what do I tell her? "You can't call me mum."

OP posts: