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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL obsessed with my baby?

91 replies

RoseyPosey12 · 28/12/2023 20:01

I have an 8 week old baby. It's my first and it has been quite the rollercoaster both physically and emotionally so my judgement may well be clouded. I therefore am happy to be told if I am being oversensitive/too precious if that is the case!

I feel as though my BIL is overinvested in my daughter Whilst individually his behaviour and comments might not seem like a big deal, collectively it is creeping me out. For context, BIL is married with two boys of his own. He is a few years older than my husband and they have an ok relationship. Whilst they do obviously love each other, I do sense that my BIL does have some jealousy towards my husband as a result of how their respective lives have panned out. My husband will occasionally pop down to see him and his family and they talk regularly on the phone. I don't have a close relationship with him nor his wife. We are civil but we have nothing in common so will usually just see them on special occasions.

Below are the things that have happened. In hindsight, I wish I had nipped things in the bud earlier on. I put down my being a doormat to not feeling mentally well at the time and being a new mum and not having a clue how to navigate family relationships with people who are connected to my daughter but who I don't have much of a relationship with:

When he first found out I was pregnant he insisted to my husband that we move closer to him so that he can take care of the baby when I returned to work. Has never said it to me directly. I think my husband just laughed it off.

My husband announced the birth of our baby on a Friday and explained that we were not accepting any visitors for the time being to allow me time to recover. He then showed up to our house on the Sunday uninvited to see the baby. My husband asked if I would be ok for us to let him in (had been waiting outside for 30 minutes) and I agreed. On Monday he came with his family which we had agreed to. On Tuesday he came again this time to bring younger brother who can't drive and wasn't able to come the day before which was again an agreed visit. For the first and third visit he stayed for hours late into the night and spent most of it holding the baby aside from feeds/nappy changes. I found this really difficult as baby was only a few days old. Visit with family was short as I kept having to tell his kids off so it got very awkward and they left. The first time he came I struggled to say I wanted the baby back. On the second day, when I took the baby back he then took the baby under the guise of having videocalled my mother in law and so wanting to show her the baby even though my husband frequently video calls her and shows her the baby anyway. On the third visit I just took the baby off him when I wanted to which he seemed quite miffed about and shortly left. Anyway, despite three visits in a row which involved extensive holding of the baby, he then text me on Thursday night saying that he is really missing my daughter and whilst he is doing his best to hold his emotions, he doesn't know how long he can hold them for though doesn't want to disturb me. I refused any further visits and said my husband will be in touch to arrange a visit in the future.

After that I was back in hospital so have had a quiet few weeks at home without visitors to support my recovery. He recently got back in touch stating he wanted to see the baby. Again redirected him to my husband to arrange a visit. He came this week and the following happened:

  1. He wouldn't let his younger brother hold the baby insisting the baby preferred him so my husband had to intervene.
  2. When speaking to the baby he kept saying how when she is older he will take her out with his kids or by herself without us, that they will have their own special relationship, she doesn't need anyone but him, they will have their own private conversations, he will take her out cruising in his car whilst I will be at home calling her to find out where she is (NOTE: it does translate differently in our native language and can be the sort of things one might jokingly say in our culture but he kept on making these comments and wouldn't stop. My husband wasn't present for this)
  3. When I held the baby, telling me to put her down as she will sleep more comfortably. To me it felt like he couldn't bear to see me holding her and was finding an excuse for me to put her down so that presumably he could pick her up- I refused. Again husband wasn't there.
  4. Then 20 minutes later taking the baby off me (which I was fine with initially) but then explaining she wasn't getting the warmth she is looking for hence taking her off me presumably to provide her with the "warmth" she needs (NOTE: difficult to translate into English but essentially the warmth refers to the human comfort and body heat rather than needing an extra blanket)- I was too shocked to even say anything but she obviously started crying and I swiftly took her back. Again husband wasn't there.
  5. When leaving jokingly suggesting that the baby stays with him for two weeks and my husband and I can go on holiday- we flat out said hell no

There are also wider things about him that annoy me such as constantly giving us advice that I didn't ask for, generally chatting rubbish, and his insistence on bringing his kids again when I have already indicated as politely as I could that I am not comfortable having his kids around her. His kids are completely wild and receive no discipline. At their last visit my baby nearly ended up getting seriously hurt and the entire visit was just super stressful for my husband and I trying to manage my baby as well as his kids.

So in summary suddenly seeing more of my BIL since having a baby has been exhausting. I feel like I am constantly having to push back or challenge what he says in a bid to get him to stay in his lane. I could get my husband to do more of that but to be honest if the comments and behaviour is towards me I feel its better for me to be the one to respond rather than hiding behind my husband. On top of that as I say, now I am just completely creeped out but unsure if I am overreacting and reading too much into things. I really didn't anticipate any of this in the slightest whilst pregnant largely because I had such limited interaction with him.

Anyway would love to get an outsiders point of view. My husband wasn't best pleased with his behaviour when I discussed with him and happy to support whatever I choose to do going forwards.

YABU: he is being a loving uncle and you are overeacting
YANBU: he's behaviour is creepy and you need to set some boundaries ASAP

OP posts:
DonnaBanana · 28/12/2023 20:03

Maybe as he had all boys he really wished he had had a girl and is overinvesting here. It’s still weird either way but might not be for sinister reasons. I’d create some distance none the less as you never know

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/12/2023 20:08

Women on here are always banging on about being disappointed by the sex of their baby. Maybe men also suffer from this? It sounds as though he is hung up on the idea of having a daughter and is focusing on your dd.

Just set clear boundaries. And get your dh to back you up.

EvilElsa · 28/12/2023 20:09

I'd be really uncomfortable with that behaviour. There's loving uncle and there's obsessed. I'd be putting a lot of boundaries in place and he would NOT be taking my child from me when I was holding her.

EndOfMyTether11 · 28/12/2023 20:09

I would just ask him (when your husband is there) what is his deal? Why is he so obsessed with your daughter?

curtaintwitcher78 · 28/12/2023 20:09

Just wondering if he knew the sex of your baby when you were pregnant and he said you would have to move nearer to them?

Mintygoodness · 28/12/2023 20:10

As a new mother it can be very overwhelming and difficult to assert boundaries. Now you know as her mother you are deeply uncomfortable with BILs behavior and you have full rights to put in any boundaries you please and have to justify it to absolutely nobody. I don't care what his excuses are, the fact is he seems too focused on her and blind to your needs as a new mother, disrespecting you by not making sure you are 100% comfortable with his behavior is a massive red flag and at the very least he is selfish and clueless.
His behavior is very weird, do whatever you want to protect your child from him.

chompargh · 28/12/2023 20:12

Bloody hell OP. That's so weird. I wouldn't leave him unattended.

GRex · 28/12/2023 20:16

It's really impossible to say as an outsider. He might just adore her as the new cute baby and as a girl, I have a sibling like that with DS. It might be too much. You and your DH can slow down the interactions to cool things down a bit and see how he is in a few months when he's more used to her. Nobody needs to take her for at least a year, so you need not worry about leaving him alone with her. Trust your instincts if it carries on feeling wrong.

takealettermsjones · 28/12/2023 20:20

Red flags.

The stuff about them having private conversations etc especially. I'd keep an exceptionally close eye on him and no unsupervised contact.

May be harsh, but instinct is there for a reason.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 20:20

RoseyPosey12 · 28/12/2023 20:01

I have an 8 week old baby. It's my first and it has been quite the rollercoaster both physically and emotionally so my judgement may well be clouded. I therefore am happy to be told if I am being oversensitive/too precious if that is the case!

I feel as though my BIL is overinvested in my daughter Whilst individually his behaviour and comments might not seem like a big deal, collectively it is creeping me out. For context, BIL is married with two boys of his own. He is a few years older than my husband and they have an ok relationship. Whilst they do obviously love each other, I do sense that my BIL does have some jealousy towards my husband as a result of how their respective lives have panned out. My husband will occasionally pop down to see him and his family and they talk regularly on the phone. I don't have a close relationship with him nor his wife. We are civil but we have nothing in common so will usually just see them on special occasions.

Below are the things that have happened. In hindsight, I wish I had nipped things in the bud earlier on. I put down my being a doormat to not feeling mentally well at the time and being a new mum and not having a clue how to navigate family relationships with people who are connected to my daughter but who I don't have much of a relationship with:

When he first found out I was pregnant he insisted to my husband that we move closer to him so that he can take care of the baby when I returned to work. Has never said it to me directly. I think my husband just laughed it off.

My husband announced the birth of our baby on a Friday and explained that we were not accepting any visitors for the time being to allow me time to recover. He then showed up to our house on the Sunday uninvited to see the baby. My husband asked if I would be ok for us to let him in (had been waiting outside for 30 minutes) and I agreed. On Monday he came with his family which we had agreed to. On Tuesday he came again this time to bring younger brother who can't drive and wasn't able to come the day before which was again an agreed visit. For the first and third visit he stayed for hours late into the night and spent most of it holding the baby aside from feeds/nappy changes. I found this really difficult as baby was only a few days old. Visit with family was short as I kept having to tell his kids off so it got very awkward and they left. The first time he came I struggled to say I wanted the baby back. On the second day, when I took the baby back he then took the baby under the guise of having videocalled my mother in law and so wanting to show her the baby even though my husband frequently video calls her and shows her the baby anyway. On the third visit I just took the baby off him when I wanted to which he seemed quite miffed about and shortly left. Anyway, despite three visits in a row which involved extensive holding of the baby, he then text me on Thursday night saying that he is really missing my daughter and whilst he is doing his best to hold his emotions, he doesn't know how long he can hold them for though doesn't want to disturb me. I refused any further visits and said my husband will be in touch to arrange a visit in the future.

After that I was back in hospital so have had a quiet few weeks at home without visitors to support my recovery. He recently got back in touch stating he wanted to see the baby. Again redirected him to my husband to arrange a visit. He came this week and the following happened:

  1. He wouldn't let his younger brother hold the baby insisting the baby preferred him so my husband had to intervene.
  2. When speaking to the baby he kept saying how when she is older he will take her out with his kids or by herself without us, that they will have their own special relationship, she doesn't need anyone but him, they will have their own private conversations, he will take her out cruising in his car whilst I will be at home calling her to find out where she is (NOTE: it does translate differently in our native language and can be the sort of things one might jokingly say in our culture but he kept on making these comments and wouldn't stop. My husband wasn't present for this)
  3. When I held the baby, telling me to put her down as she will sleep more comfortably. To me it felt like he couldn't bear to see me holding her and was finding an excuse for me to put her down so that presumably he could pick her up- I refused. Again husband wasn't there.
  4. Then 20 minutes later taking the baby off me (which I was fine with initially) but then explaining she wasn't getting the warmth she is looking for hence taking her off me presumably to provide her with the "warmth" she needs (NOTE: difficult to translate into English but essentially the warmth refers to the human comfort and body heat rather than needing an extra blanket)- I was too shocked to even say anything but she obviously started crying and I swiftly took her back. Again husband wasn't there.
  5. When leaving jokingly suggesting that the baby stays with him for two weeks and my husband and I can go on holiday- we flat out said hell no

There are also wider things about him that annoy me such as constantly giving us advice that I didn't ask for, generally chatting rubbish, and his insistence on bringing his kids again when I have already indicated as politely as I could that I am not comfortable having his kids around her. His kids are completely wild and receive no discipline. At their last visit my baby nearly ended up getting seriously hurt and the entire visit was just super stressful for my husband and I trying to manage my baby as well as his kids.

So in summary suddenly seeing more of my BIL since having a baby has been exhausting. I feel like I am constantly having to push back or challenge what he says in a bid to get him to stay in his lane. I could get my husband to do more of that but to be honest if the comments and behaviour is towards me I feel its better for me to be the one to respond rather than hiding behind my husband. On top of that as I say, now I am just completely creeped out but unsure if I am overreacting and reading too much into things. I really didn't anticipate any of this in the slightest whilst pregnant largely because I had such limited interaction with him.

Anyway would love to get an outsiders point of view. My husband wasn't best pleased with his behaviour when I discussed with him and happy to support whatever I choose to do going forwards.

YABU: he is being a loving uncle and you are overeacting
YANBU: he's behaviour is creepy and you need to set some boundaries ASAP

He has a very abnormal obsession with your baby and I would be very, very wary. I would cut contact to a bare minimum and then some! This isn't right!!

Purplewarrior · 28/12/2023 20:21

No, no, no.

This is creepy as fuck.

He needs to be told to back off. Don’t ever leave her alone with him.

Snowfalling · 28/12/2023 20:21

I wouldn't bother responding to his messages, he can message your husband who can say no to visits for the time being.
I don't know what culture this is, however, you are the mother and you need to advocate for your baby. Bil sounds unhinged, I wouldn't allow visits with him and his unruly kids at least for the time being, as I don't trust him.

WickedSerious · 28/12/2023 20:22

chompargh · 28/12/2023 20:12

Bloody hell OP. That's so weird. I wouldn't leave him unattended.

I wouldn't let him in the house.

LakeTiticaca · 28/12/2023 20:24

Weird and creepy behaviour. Your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his brother to back off big time.
It's not normal behaviour and I would not want my DC anywhere near him

Gnomegnomegnome · 28/12/2023 20:28

I was ready to say yabu before reading your op but wow!

Is it a cultural thing?
Have you discussed it with your Dh? It’s odd that most of it is when your Dh isn’t there. Like he knows that it’s not acceptable.

Ladolcevita233 · 28/12/2023 20:28

He is a total fucking weirdo.

Yourself and your husband need to talk about this situation urgently and agree a plan on how to deal with this.

Is it feasible for you to move away .... I'm sorry but that's what I see having to happen in the longer term.

Otherwise you'll end up hostages in your own home, trying to avoid him.

Ladolcevita233 · 28/12/2023 20:30

Is it a cultural thing?

In what culture do you think any of this is normal?

This wouldn't be normal in a extremely liberal/gender equal society, let alone in a more conservative/traditional one.

Bluetrews25 · 28/12/2023 20:31

Is this grooming of you and DH to allow unrestricted access to DD?
Perhaps DH could say to him he's coming across like a potential abuser. Perhaps he could rethink his behaviour in view of that.

trippily · 28/12/2023 20:31

Set a limit to how often you can deal with seeing him. Stick to it. Refuse any other visits. It might well wear off when she's not a tiny newborn any more, they are super precious!

Congratulations anyway, don't let it spoil the time for you ❤️

Ladolcevita233 · 28/12/2023 20:32

I think you all need a case of COVID or flu - and use the breathing space to discuss how to deal with him.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 20:32

Really weird. I would definitely distance myself.

Grimchmas · 28/12/2023 20:32

Creepy as fuck. Move much further away if you can. I'm not one prone to over reaction but this is only going to get worse if your don't both put some serious boundaries up (and even then...).

Reading that he wants to take her away with him and you won't know where she is has given me the chills.

Katkins17 · 28/12/2023 20:32

Always go with your instincts.
We tend to ignore these as us being over-sensitive or over thinking things...but usually our gut feelings are the truest and most honest reaction to things

If he's creeping you out, or giving you a danger vibe, don't ignore it.

Tell him straight how you feel...he won't like it, he may even try and gaslight you with feeble excuses, but everything you've stating in your post made me sooooo uncomfortable!

Good luck, and congratulations on your precious baby girl...

MsCactus · 28/12/2023 20:33

This is very strange behaviour OP and I'd be creeped out by it.

I had very similar behaviour from my MIL when DD was born - she'd had fertility issues and never had a girl, so it kinda made sense, but she basically repeatedly tried to take my baby from me (telling me to leave her alone with baby) and said that baby preferred her to me, etc etc etc.

It's clearly your BIL who has issues. You're right to put boundaries in place - don't leave your daughter alone with him!

CuntyMcBollocks · 28/12/2023 20:34

This has really, really creeped me out!! Do not let you BIL be alone with your daughter at ALL!!! That's way beyond the boundaries of normal behaviour!! You're not overreacting at all- you need to trust your instincts.

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