BIL obsessed with my baby?

[RoseyPosey12]

I have an 8 week old baby. It's my first and it has been quite the rollercoaster both physically and emotionally so my judgement may well be clouded. I therefore am happy to be told if I am being oversensitive/too precious if that is the case!

I feel as though my BIL is overinvested in my daughter Whilst individually his behaviour and comments might not seem like a big deal, collectively it is creeping me out. For context, BIL is married with two boys of his own. He is a few years older than my husband and they have an ok relationship. Whilst they do obviously love each other, I do sense that my BIL does have some jealousy towards my husband as a result of how their respective lives have panned out. My husband will occasionally pop down to see him and his family and they talk regularly on the phone. I don't have a close relationship with him nor his wife. We are civil but we have nothing in common so will usually just see them on special occasions.

Below are the things that have happened. In hindsight, I wish I had nipped things in the bud earlier on. I put down my being a doormat to not feeling mentally well at the time and being a new mum and not having a clue how to navigate family relationships with people who are connected to my daughter but who I don't have much of a relationship with:

When he first found out I was pregnant he insisted to my husband that we move closer to him so that he can take care of the baby when I returned to work. Has never said it to me directly. I think my husband just laughed it off.

My husband announced the birth of our baby on a Friday and explained that we were not accepting any visitors for the time being to allow me time to recover. He then showed up to our house on the Sunday uninvited to see the baby. My husband asked if I would be ok for us to let him in (had been waiting outside for 30 minutes) and I agreed. On Monday he came with his family which we had agreed to. On Tuesday he came again this time to bring younger brother who can't drive and wasn't able to come the day before which was again an agreed visit. For the first and third visit he stayed for hours late into the night and spent most of it holding the baby aside from feeds/nappy changes. I found this really difficult as baby was only a few days old. Visit with family was short as I kept having to tell his kids off so it got very awkward and they left. The first time he came I struggled to say I wanted the baby back. On the second day, when I took the baby back he then took the baby under the guise of having videocalled my mother in law and so wanting to show her the baby even though my husband frequently video calls her and shows her the baby anyway. On the third visit I just took the baby off him when I wanted to which he seemed quite miffed about and shortly left. Anyway, despite three visits in a row which involved extensive holding of the baby, he then text me on Thursday night saying that he is really missing my daughter and whilst he is doing his best to hold his emotions, he doesn't know how long he can hold them for though doesn't want to disturb me. I refused any further visits and said my husband will be in touch to arrange a visit in the future.

After that I was back in hospital so have had a quiet few weeks at home without visitors to support my recovery. He recently got back in touch stating he wanted to see the baby. Again redirected him to my husband to arrange a visit. He came this week and the following happened:

1. He wouldn't let his younger brother hold the baby insisting the baby preferred him so my husband had to intervene.
2. When speaking to the baby he kept saying how when she is older he will take her out with his kids or by herself without us, that they will have their own special relationship, she doesn't need anyone but him, they will have their own private conversations, he will take her out cruising in his car whilst I will be at home calling her to find out where she is (NOTE: it does translate differently in our native language and can be the sort of things one might jokingly say in our culture but he kept on making these comments and wouldn't stop. My husband wasn't present for this)
3. When I held the baby, telling me to put her down as she will sleep more comfortably. To me it felt like he couldn't bear to see me holding her and was finding an excuse for me to put her down so that presumably he could pick her up- I refused. Again husband wasn't there.
4. Then 20 minutes later taking the baby off me (which I was fine with initially) but then explaining she wasn't getting the warmth she is looking for hence taking her off me presumably to provide her with the "warmth" she needs (NOTE: difficult to translate into English but essentially the warmth refers to the human comfort and body heat rather than needing an extra blanket)- I was too shocked to even say anything but she obviously started crying and I swiftly took her back. Again husband wasn't there.
5. When leaving jokingly suggesting that the baby stays with him for two weeks and my husband and I can go on holiday- we flat out said hell no

There are also wider things about him that annoy me such as constantly giving us advice that I didn't ask for, generally chatting rubbish, and his insistence on bringing his kids again when I have already indicated as politely as I could that I am not comfortable having his kids around her. His kids are completely wild and receive no discipline. At their last visit my baby nearly ended up getting seriously hurt and the entire visit was just super stressful for my husband and I trying to manage my baby as well as his kids.

So in summary suddenly seeing more of my BIL since having a baby has been exhausting. I feel like I am constantly having to push back or challenge what he says in a bid to get him to stay in his lane. I could get my husband to do more of that but to be honest if the comments and behaviour is towards me I feel its better for me to be the one to respond rather than hiding behind my husband. On top of that as I say, now I am just completely creeped out but unsure if I am overreacting and reading too much into things. I really didn't anticipate any of this in the slightest whilst pregnant largely because I had such limited interaction with him.

Anyway would love to get an outsiders point of view. My husband wasn't best pleased with his behaviour when I discussed with him and happy to support whatever I choose to do going forwards.

YABU: he is being a loving uncle and you are overeacting
YANBU: he's behaviour is creepy and you need to set some boundaries ASAP

Why is he coming over when your DH isn't home? Stop answering the door to him and ignore his messages.

This does sound kind of creepy and definitely OTT and not something you should own putty up with.

maybe he sees your daughter as the daughter he always wanted, maybe it’s something else. Whatever it is you need some firm boundaries.

No not normal at all. Tell dh he tells his brother to back off or you will. Don’t allow this man in again, with his creepy chats to your child. This is not ok at all.

Then 20 minutes later taking the baby off me (which I was fine with initially) but then explaining she wasn't getting the warmth she is looking for hence taking her off me presumably to provide her with the "warmth" she needs (NOTE: difficult to translate into English but essentially the warmth refers to the human comfort and body heat rather than needing an extra blanket)- I was too shocked to even say anything but she obviously started crying and I swiftly took her back. Again husband wasn't there.

Ah, an expert on newborns and babies.

Who apparently doesn't know that they seek/crave/are conditioned to their mother's smell and mothers heartbeat and mother's voice

.... And exactly how different is the warmth from an adult female to that of an adult male - very very little difference; and as above he could provide none of the most important elements a baby needs.

So he knows better, and can hold a new baby better than anyone else - including her own mother.

All very normal.

When speaking to the baby he kept saying how when she is older he will take her out with his kids or by herself without us, that they will have their own special relationship, she doesn't need anyone but him, they will have their own private conversations, he will take her out cruising in his car whilst I will be at home calling her to find out where she is (NOTE: it does translate differently in our native language and can be the sort of things one might jokingly say in our culture but he kept on making these comments and wouldn't stop. My husband wasn't present for this)

If he tried to do this with my daughter (or son for that matter), he'd have an accident with his car breaks before he got as far as our house.

Or some other kind of accident.

I am not a troll hunter but seriously...? Post reported

I know it's easy for me to say this, but I really really mean it.

He wouldn't be seeing my baby or holding my baby.

I have presumed the same as others that he perhaps wished for a girl baby himself, but I couldn't care less about that, he wouldn't be touching my child or speaking to me like that ever again.

I hope very much you find the strength to say as much. It can be very hard when you have just had a baby, but it actually natural for you not to want anyone holding her, it's to do with smells and it is a biological instinct not to want them to smell like other people.

That is very troubling and BIL’s behaviour will potentially affect your bonding process. Is it possible for your own mother, sister or other relative to stay with you, to help keep BIL out of the house when your H is not there? Is H prepared to tell him to stay away?

he then text me on Thursday night saying that he is really missing my daughter and whilst he is doing his best to hold his emotions, he doesn't know how long he can hold them for though

When speaking to the baby he kept saying how when she is older he will take her out with his kids or by herself without us, that they will have their own special relationship, she doesn't need anyone but him, they will have their own private conversations, he will take her out cruising in his car whilst I will be at home calling her to find out where she is

A lot sounds like a keen uncle but those 2 examples are way past that. They're massive red flags & actually quite sinister. That's not normal behaviour.

You need to set boundaries now!!!! Cut back how often he's allowed contact for a start.

Yet here you are.....

You don't need to post that you've reported

Please please please don’t leave your daughter alone with him, any point. Ever. If this continues I’d put a ban on him seeing your daughter and refrain from telling him what nursery/school she goes to. And make it clear to your husband so that if you’re not there and it’s your baby, your and his brother, he knows the strict orders. S-abuse is an uncomfortable thing to discuss and relatively rare but it happens and there are so many red flags here. And uncles unfortunately are the usual people when it does happen within the family.

I don't know why any parent would continue letting someone behaving this way near their baby quite honestly. I don't really understand why you havent already put a stop to him seeing her.

Spot on what someone else said. The special treatment he has planned of one on one days out driving around with her and special language is grooming. It will be special kisses and touching followed by sweets and “let this be our special game”. NO WAY. That kind of experience can ruin a child’s life and lead to a lot of shame and self hated.

Definitely put strict boundaries in place and go very low contact.

My eyes were WIDE reading this….
and my internal monologue was telling Nonononononooooo!

I would not want him to have ANY contact at all with me or my child for the next 6-12 months.
he would never be welcome in my home.
my child would never be offered for him to hold and I would never allow ANY unsupervised access and would have minimum 2 people man marking him at any one time at family events with my child

your DH needs to get on the same page as NONE of this is normal

It’s beyond creepy.
Like he is loudly proclaiming it so he can hide in plain sight while laying grooming groundwork now for the future…

I don't think he's being creepy but I do think he's being very overbearing and boundaries need to be put in place.

He sounds fucking weird. I'd be going very low contact and would never leave the child alone with him

Pedo.

He's behaving very, very abnormally.
You'll get people saying "aww, he just loves her" because these threads always get people making excuses for family members who do things like this (though it's usually a grandmother). But this is NOT just someone showing love. The firm boundary should be that he doesn't do anything you don't want, and he constantly does what you've asked him not to. He also seems to wait until your husband is out of the way before he does things you don't want. Red flag.

This is completely out of order:
Then 20 minutes later taking the baby off me
He has NO right to do this. Nobody should be taking a baby out of its mother's arms unless she's asked them to. Don't ever let him do that again.

He sounds mentally unwell and needs professional help.

Do you know if he has any known mental health issues now or in the past?

Has he gone through anything traumatic in recent years or had a personal crisis eg a relationship breakdown?

Red flags flying all over the place 🚩
keep him away

I would literally never ever allow my DD to be alone with this BIL and would ensure absolutely minimum contact in future. There would be no doubt in my mind that this man intends to groom and abuse your DD.

You need to be so incredibly careful with what you say to your husband though because he is far less likely to be able to see what women do, especially as it is his family member.

In my case the scum who raped me when I was very little was indeed an uncle.

Once that has happened to a child it can't be undone. It affects your whole life.

Sexual abuse is not at all rare. It just isn't often publicly known apart from the few cases that end up in a publicised court case.

I'm actually very heartened to see so many PPs being horrified at this man's behaviour. On other threads there's been a lot of making excuses and blustering about "not all men are paedos you know!" It's good to see so much common sense this time.

This is so fucking weird. Even if he has gender disappointment at not having a girl, his weird obsession with it would make me wonder why he was so keen to have a baby girl? Absolutely hideous and my skin is crawling.

This is creepy as hell and I wouldn’t want him anywhere near the baby.