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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel ds shouldn't cause inconvenience?

80 replies

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:13

Ds has moved back home after a rough couple of years.
We've welcomed him back into our home but feel he shouldn't be an inconvenience to us.
Examples are...
He parks right outside our house where we used to park so we have to find somewhere else to park or drive home hoping he's not home yet so we can park there.

He sits in the chair I like to sit in so I am always hoping he's not in it so I can sit there.

He sits in the lounge all evening until bedtime so we don't have any privacy to chat without him joining in and is always listening to our conversations, piping up with "who was that?" "When was this" "what was that" when we are talking, he also moves around the house silently, so often we'll be in the kitchen having a conversation and suddenly look up and he's crept in and heard all that, the lounge is off the kitchen so he can hear everything.

I just think if I moved back in with my parents I'd want to cause them as little inconvenience as possible, his attitude is he pays his road tax so can park where he wants and if the space is free he'll take it, which I agree but if we hadn't let him come back to live in our house we would be able to park there, sit where we want and have a conversation.
I'm really struggling to make this work, I feel like he never goes out, he's always there and it's a huge disruption us.

On the other hand he has nowhere else to go right now so I need to make it work before resentment builds and we end up falling out.

He also has ADHD and a lot of energy and I find it too much and just need some piece of an evening, I work long hours and get home tired so tend to unwind on my phone or watch TV and he will constantly ask why is everyone so quiet? What's up everyone? Nobody talking?
I'm finding his high energy quite draining as an introvert.

OP posts:

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/12/2023 19:15

Is this your son or a step? An inconvenience is an awful way to describe him!

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/12/2023 19:16

Dear lord op, why did you allow him to move back in? It seems like these inconveniences are him merely existing. He’s an adult now so he’s going to do adult things like park outside his house, sit in a chair and join in with the adult conversation.

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/12/2023 19:17

I thought it was going to be one of those usual complaints with children coming home from uni, coming in drunk, throwing up all over the house and trashing the kitchen trying to make dinner at 1am

Itslegitimatesalvage · 28/12/2023 19:19

The chair thing is easy. Just tell him, “that’s my chair, please move.” Don’t be a dick about it or wave him away like another OP did, use your voice and tell him to move.

Cinderellanellabella · 28/12/2023 19:21

Peoplemakemedespair · 28/12/2023 19:17

I thought it was going to be one of those usual complaints with children coming home from uni, coming in drunk, throwing up all over the house and trashing the kitchen trying to make dinner at 1am

No the OP's son did something much, much worse...he sat in her chair.

craigth162 · 28/12/2023 19:22

And thats you 'welcoming' him?!

stayathomer · 28/12/2023 19:22

Op sorry but it sounds like you’re willing to have him there if as someone above says he just doesn’t exist!!

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 19:23

Is he paying rent and bills?
Do you enjoy anything about having him home?

Hipnotised · 28/12/2023 19:24

The answer to your first three points is to ask him to move!

WhateverMate · 28/12/2023 19:24

Why are you being such a wet lettuce?

If you want him to park elsewhere or sit elsewhere, get him told

Original poster

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:26

Whataretheodds · 28/12/2023 19:23

Is he paying rent and bills?
Do you enjoy anything about having him home?

Yes he's paying his way, that's not the issue at all. He's very welcome to stay I've just got to find a way to make it work with his boundless energy.

OP posts:

Pupsandturtles · 28/12/2023 19:27

I think this is just… living with somebody.

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 19:27

You could make an agreement about the parking space and chair, but him sitting with you and talking to you is just him living with you, I think you need to let him into the family.

He must be feeling a bit sad after 'a rough couple of years'.

CornishPorsche · 28/12/2023 19:29

Tell him to shift! My mum would still kill me if I tried to sit in her chair and I'm in my 40s 😂

Set some boundaries, he has the option to move out.

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2023 19:30

It doesn’t sound like he’s welcome. You haven’t actually complained about his energy in your OP at all. Just where he parks and sits.

Treacletoots · 28/12/2023 19:31

I thought he was actually behaving badly. OP you've clearly just got used to having everything your own way, unfortunately if you're living with others you have to accept they have needs too.

My mother never managed to figure this out, and as a result neither of her adult children speak to her. Don't be that person.

PurplePansy05 · 28/12/2023 19:32

What is the real issue as your post focuses on little things that are easy to rectify by asking him, but I suspect you're exhausted by his ADHD? Did you forget the intensity when he wasn't there, is this the real issue? Reading between the lines, I'm guessing he's hyperactive?

You don't speak kindly of him, OP.

KaySararSarar · 28/12/2023 19:32

I think it would help if we understood the background,

how old is he?
Is he the only DC at home now?
how long have you and DH been baby bird free?

I actually sympathise OP. We currently have our eldest and partner living with us, our proposal I suppose as we wanted to ensure our DC see through their degree, but is can be tricky at times, resent over meal times/chore distribution/noise levels etc.

Original poster

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:33

Wolfiefan · 28/12/2023 19:30

It doesn’t sound like he’s welcome. You haven’t actually complained about his energy in your OP at all. Just where he parks and sits.

I did in my last paragraph.

OP posts:

mamacorn1 · 28/12/2023 19:36

Just tell him to leave and find somewhere else. He is an adult.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/12/2023 19:38

Cinderellanellabella · 28/12/2023 19:21

No the OP's son did something much, much worse...he sat in her chair.

Show quote history

I think you're forgetting he PARKS HIS CAR OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!! 😱😱

Geppili · 28/12/2023 19:42

What was rough about his last couple of years?

cornonthesnob · 28/12/2023 19:43

He's had a rough few years and this is how you're treating him? He pays rent he's entitled to sit and park where he likes.

You sound horrible!

craigth162 · 28/12/2023 19:44

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/12/2023 19:38

I think you're forgetting he PARKS HIS CAR OUTSIDE THE HOUSE!! 😱😱

Show quote history

And wants to take part in conversations....he sounds awful

AlbatrosStrike · 28/12/2023 19:46

Have you told him all these things? They sound like minor issues that should be resolved with better communication.

However, it doesn’t seem like he’s particularly welcome in your house or that you like him very much.

Could you make a plan together to help him through whatever issues made him move back home within a set timeframe? Hopefully it will help you cope if there’s an end in sight.

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