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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel ds shouldn't cause inconvenience?

80 replies

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:13

Ds has moved back home after a rough couple of years.
We've welcomed him back into our home but feel he shouldn't be an inconvenience to us.
Examples are...
He parks right outside our house where we used to park so we have to find somewhere else to park or drive home hoping he's not home yet so we can park there.

He sits in the chair I like to sit in so I am always hoping he's not in it so I can sit there.

He sits in the lounge all evening until bedtime so we don't have any privacy to chat without him joining in and is always listening to our conversations, piping up with "who was that?" "When was this" "what was that" when we are talking, he also moves around the house silently, so often we'll be in the kitchen having a conversation and suddenly look up and he's crept in and heard all that, the lounge is off the kitchen so he can hear everything.

I just think if I moved back in with my parents I'd want to cause them as little inconvenience as possible, his attitude is he pays his road tax so can park where he wants and if the space is free he'll take it, which I agree but if we hadn't let him come back to live in our house we would be able to park there, sit where we want and have a conversation.
I'm really struggling to make this work, I feel like he never goes out, he's always there and it's a huge disruption us.

On the other hand he has nowhere else to go right now so I need to make it work before resentment builds and we end up falling out.

He also has ADHD and a lot of energy and I find it too much and just need some piece of an evening, I work long hours and get home tired so tend to unwind on my phone or watch TV and he will constantly ask why is everyone so quiet? What's up everyone? Nobody talking?
I'm finding his high energy quite draining as an introvert.

OP posts:

xyz111 · 28/12/2023 19:46

Op, have you actually spoken to him? To tell him that's your favourite chair?

Lemsipper · 28/12/2023 19:47

honestly for your sake - I hope he goes no contact with you in the future!

TookTheBook · 28/12/2023 19:49

What's road tax? And it's on-street parking it sounds like, so not 'your' space?

Pick your battles. He's your son so surely you can tell him you want to sit in your favourite chair.

Nicole1111 · 28/12/2023 19:51

What you really need to do here is reflect on what your needs are (alone time, quiet time, time with your partner etc) and make a plan for how you get those met. It might mean spending time in your bedroom, date nights out of the house etc.

ssd · 28/12/2023 19:51

Dear god you dont sound like you like him at all.

Original poster

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:53

Geppili · 28/12/2023 19:42

What was rough about his last couple of years?

He had a problem with drinking which led to the breakdown of his relationship and his job but he's come a long way, has a new job and he's stopped drinking altogether which is excellent and he's back home where he can start over and now that's all in the past.
I don't mean to make it sound like I don't want him there I'm just struggling as I'm naturally of very low energy and his is constantly high.

OP posts:

RandomSunday · 28/12/2023 19:56

If you think his behaviour is bad wait until he invites his girl/boyfriend to move in. Two entitled, spoilt manchildren are bloody impossible to live with. Been there, done that and just about survived the experience.

Im not rubbing it in but…. It feels great to have my house back.

I sympathise OP. Just take heart it’s not forever (🤞).

swimsong · 28/12/2023 19:59

cornonthesnob · 28/12/2023 19:43

He's had a rough few years and this is how you're treating him? He pays rent he's entitled to sit and park where he likes.

You sound horrible!

That's not how families work though.
Not when everyone is being mimimally thoughtful and caring of others.

MsCactus · 28/12/2023 20:16

It's bizarre to me that everyone adores their baby/toddler but as soon as they grow up they get annoyed at a DS just for 'parking his car' and 'sitting in a chair'

He's still your child! ... Or maybe you always disliked him for no good reason

CornishPorsche · 28/12/2023 20:21

MsCactus · 28/12/2023 20:16

It's bizarre to me that everyone adores their baby/toddler but as soon as they grow up they get annoyed at a DS just for 'parking his car' and 'sitting in a chair'

He's still your child! ... Or maybe you always disliked him for no good reason

And yet it's how nature sets us up. You want kids to develop independence and parents want to have their own independence back as well. That's when the kids move out and get their own places!

My DMs boundaries definitely extend to where to sit, where to park and not butting into her conversations. That's how we were raised. Not codependent....

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 20:26

Have you told him all these things? They sound like minor issues that should be resolved with better communication.

It sounds like the OP has tried, eg about the parking, and his reply was I'll park where I like.

There needs to be consideration on both sides, it can't all be one way. He may be OP's child but he's an adult and he has to play his part in making this work.

margotrose · 28/12/2023 20:30

I'm 35 and still won't sit in my dad's seat when I go home and visit and if I did, he'd bloody well tell me to shift over.

OP, it's okay to have boundaries and if he won't or can't respect that, then you're entitled to ask him to find somewhere else to go, even if he is your child.

I think posters are latching on to the chair and parking issues when actually they're a symptom of something much bigger.

Treeinthesky · 28/12/2023 20:32

My boyfriend has adhd so I feel this.
Is he on meds if not why not. Does he need to see adult services if so speak to gp. My bf isn't on meds took as a child then stopped at 18. Currently waiting for adult services as can't he doing with the lows and anxiety oh then the bouncing around play fighting with the kids lol.

Fab he's stopped drinking we have a vaping weed issue here. He will use something to calm the anxiety and now he has nothing so it must be hard for him.

He needs to join the gym maybe send your dh with him.

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 20:35

Well I'm latching on to the fact that his mother can't apparently stand to have him at home @margotrose . Sitting places. Joining in conversations.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 28/12/2023 20:37

Why shouldn't he park there? Unless the parents have some mobility issues? Anyone could park there!

coldcallerbaiter · 28/12/2023 20:37

He is your son. So he has to park further up the road instead? You are talking as if he is a stranger.

He should make plans to leave within 6 months. You should be helping him. He needs to launch and be self sufficient anyway. best for his life.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/12/2023 20:41

You need to have a conversation with him. Say what you’re expecting of him (don’t say that he’s an inconvenience or that anything is wrong) just that things have changed since he left and that he’s got to get up to speed on what to do now.
A chat should iron out most of if not all of your issues.

margotrose · 28/12/2023 20:42

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 20:35

Well I'm latching on to the fact that his mother can't apparently stand to have him at home @margotrose . Sitting places. Joining in conversations.

I just think that there are many parents who find it hard when they've had the house to themselves for a few years and all of a sudden they're having to accommodate their adult child again.

At 23 years old, he should be old enough to understand that mum and dad want some privacy and don't necessarily want him around 24/7 listening in to their conversations and taking over the living room.

I've been that person moving back home in their twenties and there is a bit of an adjustment period - I absolutely hated feeling like a child again and I know my parents found it hard with me living there as an adult when they were used to me being there as a teenager.

Original poster

decsdown · 28/12/2023 20:43

Ok well I'm still glad I made the post.
Maybe I see now it's a me problem and I will work on that.
I will try and look at it from his perspective more and hopefully chill a bit more and enjoy him being home, he is my child and a blessing.
I'm glad I was put in my place, I needed that and can make changes which is exactly what I got from the post so thank you for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

LeakyLoftHatch · 28/12/2023 20:44

OP, I hear you. Living with ADHD can be utterly exhausting for all parties.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/12/2023 20:48

each parent could do an actual activity with him once a week, one on one time
sounds like he needs company and a huge dose of parental love
children are for life to love and support .
if you need you time set your boundaries
and go be in your own room peacefully for an amount of time you need daily
in my experience if someone is walking around and listening to conversations its
a. Because they feel left out
b. Because they think you’re talking about them

lovelygreenglasses · 28/12/2023 20:50

OP there's nothing wrong with having boundaries!

He should be saying to you... 'where do you like to sit mum?' And ' My car's parked right outside, I'll move it so that you can put yours there' And ' lovely to see you mum and dad, hope you've had a good day, I'm going to leave you in peace now, have a good evening'.

None of this would be unreasonable.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 20:55

AYBU- totally.

I live with an adult son with ADHD. He takes up most of the energy in the room, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. It is noisy and exhausting but I really could not be upset about the things you are complaining about. Tell him to shift out of your chair, involve him in conversations and park where there is a space. Remember, not so long ago he was in a really bad place.

Surely you are not surprised by his ADHD behaviour- addiction, irritating behaviour, interrupting conversations not picking up on subliminal clues?

Chill out FFS.

Winnipeggy · 28/12/2023 20:57

Do you actually like him at all?

Cmonluv · 28/12/2023 21:04

decsdown · 28/12/2023 19:26

Yes he's paying his way, that's not the issue at all. He's very welcome to stay I've just got to find a way to make it work with his boundless energy.

Show quote history

He's welcome to stay so long as he doesn't park his car, sit on a seat, attempt to start a conversation, or be silent.

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