To feel ds shouldn't cause inconvenience?

[decsdown]

Ds has moved back home after a rough couple of years.
We've welcomed him back into our home but feel he shouldn't be an inconvenience to us.
Examples are...
He parks right outside our house where we used to park so we have to find somewhere else to park or drive home hoping he's not home yet so we can park there.

He sits in the chair I like to sit in so I am always hoping he's not in it so I can sit there.

He sits in the lounge all evening until bedtime so we don't have any privacy to chat without him joining in and is always listening to our conversations, piping up with "who was that?" "When was this" "what was that" when we are talking, he also moves around the house silently, so often we'll be in the kitchen having a conversation and suddenly look up and he's crept in and heard all that, the lounge is off the kitchen so he can hear everything.

I just think if I moved back in with my parents I'd want to cause them as little inconvenience as possible, his attitude is he pays his road tax so can park where he wants and if the space is free he'll take it, which I agree but if we hadn't let him come back to live in our house we would be able to park there, sit where we want and have a conversation.
I'm really struggling to make this work, I feel like he never goes out, he's always there and it's a huge disruption us.

On the other hand he has nowhere else to go right now so I need to make it work before resentment builds and we end up falling out.

He also has ADHD and a lot of energy and I find it too much and just need some piece of an evening, I work long hours and get home tired so tend to unwind on my phone or watch TV and he will constantly ask why is everyone so quiet? What's up everyone? Nobody talking?
I'm finding his high energy quite draining as an introvert.

I sympathise OP, it reminds me of when my brother unexpectedly needed a place to stay a few years ago, it all ended in tears because he behaved similarly to how you’re describing your DS. When you’re an introvert your home is your sanctuary and if you can’t have some calm alone time you can’t recharge. That said, I do think you need to find a way to communicate your needs to your DS, and maybe sort out in your own head what the most crucial issues are and what your would be prepared to let go. The parking seems fairly trivial for example.

Goodness I find this a very sad post. Your poor son. He must feel very unwelcome.
It sounds as though you are very set in your ways and can't cope with any change.

Wonder if he's also doing heinous act of using his eyes to look and breathing in shared spaces?

God forbid he may even pee occasionally

It sounds like you don't like him very much.

You say that he's had a rough couple of years and now his family are treating him like this. I'm sure that he is well aware that you see him as an inconvenience. How awful for him. Poor lad.

Do you sleep in the lounge, or do you have a bedroom where you can have private conversations?

He is your child, not a lodger! You are supposed to be a family. That doesn’t end once they reach adulthood. It’s very sad that, when he has come so far, and turned his life around, you are finding it a nuisance instead of a privilege to support him as he starts again.

Things like the preferred seats and the parking, if they are more important to you than his comfort, are easily sorted by a respectful conversation between adults (respectful on your side too). As can arranging time for you and your husband to be alone, if that is important to you, too.

So many young men go off the rails and set themselves on a life course at this age which their parents wouldn’t choose for them. I think I would be grateful that he was turning things around and I could help in that.

Yep!
I don't agree with everyone saying he should be able to do what he wants. His parents should be able to do what they want too, in their own home. They shouldn't have to give up their parking space or their chair for their son - why should he get priority? He should be more considerate to his parents.

If I moved to my parents' house, there's no way I'd park in the spot I knew they always used, and say "I'll park where I want". That's selfish and rude.

So you basically want him to be just part of the furniture? Not allowed to sit in "your" chair, not allowed to your company in the evening or to show an interest in your conversation, not allowed to park in a common parking space. Is he allowed to breathe or is that too much of an inconvenience as well?

What does your son say when you ask him to change his parking spot and to change where he sits?

It sounds like you wanted to be there for your son but the reality of having him after you guys had readjusted to having your space back to yourselves is turning out to be very different to the idea of him. He’s just existing - parking his car, spending time with you and trying to be part of the family unit. It doesn’t sound like he’s treating your home like a hotel, sitting in his room while leaving you to sort his cooking and his laundry.

He’s might be feeling vulnerable, embarrassed, ashamed and at the same time trying to be hopeful and stick to his new, more focussed way of life…and overcompensating for it all. That’d be enough to kick any ADHDer’s hyper into action. Just ringfence your chair with him and try and carve out some time for just you and your DH.

It’s really tough, but what you’re doing is lovely. He needs you and can’t help how he is.

He parks right outside our house where we used to park so we have to find somewhere else to park or drive home hoping he's not home yet so we can park there.
Tell him you need this space. Emphasise that you need to be closer to the house for lugging in heavy shopping bags, etc.

He sits in the chair I like to sit in so I am always hoping he's not in it so I can sit there.
Tell him that this is your seat. He's your child, you raised him, he will know you have a special seat so point out which one it is.

He sits in the lounge all evening until bedtime so we don't have any privacy to chat without him joining in and is always listening to our conversations, piping up with "who was that?" "When was this" "what was that" when we are talking,
That's a normal family life. It's called making conversation. It sounds like you aren't including him in family life - even house shares talk to each other. Why are you wanting to ignore your own child? You want privacy go chat in your bedroom rather than a communal room.

I'm sorry OP, you are coming across as the weird one. Your son is the one behaving normally.

He's not just 'parking his car' and 'sitting in a chair'.

My mum had an armchair that she always sat in, with a mini table for her coffee and a magazine rack for the Radio Times and puzzle books by the side. I would never prevent her sitting in it for an evening when visiting - it would've been hugely inconsiderate of me and I'd have felt uncomfortable because I cared about her.

I never had the parking situation - but it's the same, it's thoughtless to make his older parents walk a distance home when he could without a problem.

People are having fun trivialising these points - as if they don't represent something much greater in his attitude to his parents. A self-centred lack of gratitude and unwillingness/inability to consider their feelings.

Unfortunately not all people have the capacity to deal with these situations in the slightly mocking light-hearted manner that my mum and other parents would have.

This.
He may not actually want to do activities with his parents, but you need to give him some attention and show you care. Help him to join in conversations.

I totally get the 'too-high-energy" thing, but that can't be helped. Go and read a book on your bed if you need to be alone for a while.

And when the time is right (it could be a while yet), have a conversation about his plans for moving on.

I have some sympathy Op. My ds who also has ADHD and was away at college/ working and has now moved home can be high energy in the house. I had to be very clear about the parking space and luckily he wouldn't dare sit on my chair!! Granted we had got cosy at home in our own little world but maybe try and focus on the positive bits. He is off alcohol...often a problem with ADHD due to poor impulse control. Being dry is massive as he could be major trouble otherwise. I have learnt to enjoy some of ds favourite programmes so we can watch together and one thing for sure he makes me laugh so l can enjoy his company mostly as when he is in good form he is hilarious.

Could you treat him to a TV for his room or set up a den for him . We are lucky to have space so he has some game stuff etc set up in a spare room where he likes to chill at times. Exercise has been a huge help for him and he will usually head out in the evening for a long walk .
It takes adjustment but sounds like he has got onto a good track so keep that as the focus.

Omg, he sounds like the WORST!
Next you'll tell us he's breathing in oxygen and pooping in your toilets...

Well, the way you're going, you're going to drive him back to drink again!

It sounds like he should be going out a bit more at night for his own good. I mean if he has given up drinking he needs to get a social life going or he'll go back to drinking thinking that is the only way to get a life.

OP, I just wanted to say I completely understand your pov. While parking is not an issue where we live, we absolutely have our own seats in the livingroom which even our cats respect, so when mid30's DS moved back in after a relationship breakdown we were pleased he also respected our daily routine. We shared dinner and chatted, and then he went up to his own room, his own telly, his own conversations by phone. He respected our privacy and space, and we gave him his. He's now moved into his own space and we're all happy about that.

I think an awful lot of previous posters have much younger children. We certainly did not expect, when we had children in our late 20's/early 30's, that we would still be accommodating them as we approach pension age.

To make this sustainable you have to change some things.
Set up another private snug for you and DH and retreat there.
Go to bed earlier and read.
Harness son's energy by giving him some tasks like picking up the shopping order. (You arrive home earlier those nights)
He could also cook some evenings - thus making him stay in kitchen.

Take a walk with DH every night so you can chat and connect without adult son. Also go on dates (call them that) with DH to local Pub.

Buy son a new chair for Xmas (at a thrift shop or new) and place it where it is acceptable.

Set a time for him moving out and help him look for places. Never stop doing that. Him moving out is reasonable and a totally predictable adult thing to do - not associated with you wanting to reclaim your privacy.

If the house is extra small invest in head phones for when you want solitude..

I have adult kids at home and am baffled by your issues. What private conversations do you need to have that an adult child can’t hear? I can’t think of any DH and I would have where we would care if we were overheard or not. Maybe if it was planning a surprise gift for one of them I guess? But we don’t do surprise gifts so don’t have that issue.

You can have boundaries and separation with your grown children. I have adult children at home. We all have our own box in the pantry for our own snacks that no-one is allowed to use. The rest is communal food. Small things but important as I'd be frustrated if the stuff I wanted was taken all the time and they get the same benefit.

We park off the road, they park on the road. No-one is up beyond 11pm because you're not disturbing my sleep. No guests without our okay. No getting pets without our okay. Do your own washing.

Really, they don't get to disrupt my life. They don't have to ask about most things but things in my home that we pay the mortgage on and that impact on me, my rules. They aren't arduous and it keeps it workable.

You have opened up your home to him so try to shmee the lounge as a shared space. Practically, spend time in your room and go on date nights.

Sounds to me like the issue really isn't the parking or the chair, just the fact you hadn't expected him to be home all evening, every evening. You get no rest from his presence which I see as the issue here.

I would be encouraging him to get more of a life, expand his friendship group, take up a hobby. At the moment he seems to want to get his interactions and energy from the two of you which isn't sustainable.

You keep describing him as having boundless energy, yet he sits in the living room all evening earwigging on your conversation.
I would be telling him to go for a run or get to the Gym and mix with folks his own age.