Help! Vulnerable 18yr old nephew homeless

[desperateaunty]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

Hoping someone may have some advice/help that we have not considered.
I will try to keep this short but of course there is history, this situation hasn't just happened in a vacuum.
18yr old nephew with Asperger's has been a problem for a while, gradually getting worse. School was difficult for him and took along time for diagnosis, school weren't very supportive seemed to just want to get rid of him. DB and SIL tried several alternative provisions, none of which were successful. Since finishing school he hasn't been able to hold down a job, despite help with apprenticeships and college place etc. Last year events escalated, increasing drink and drug use. Arrested last Christmas in a club for drug possession (can't remember details but not charged). Supposed to have been offered support from Youth Offending Team but usual issue of waiting lists, lack of resources etc so never followed up.

Events have escalated again this Christmas. DB and SIL are divorced (several years ago) so nephew lives with her (but DB is local to them so has always been very involved). Part reason for their divorce was their different parenting styles; SIL is a softie, less boundaries, DB is the strict one. DB offered nephew to move in with him after last year's arrest but nephew refused (probably knew he wouldn't be able to get away with things like he can with his mum). SIL has been brilliant at trying to access support for him but nothing seems to come of it or he doesn't follow through. Anyway last week SIL called police on him after he started trashing his room (not the first time this has happened, apparently)- she felt threatened, although he wasn't directly lashing out at her, but understandably she feared for her safety. He was let go with a caution but SIL has refused to let him back home. DB has recently moved in with his partner, having him live with him is not an option. Nephew has been sofa surfing at various friends houses but obviously this is only a temporary solution. DB has been on to SS since Christmas Eve but again, due to Christmas holidays etc it's skeleton staff, no resources, told to wait until next Tuesday - for what, I don't know.

Both I and my parents have offered him a place for the night but he has refused. We all live over an hour away, we're not close (not from lack of trying, very involved grandparents and aunty since he was born but sadly not much of a relationship has ever developed, no understanding as to why, eg no family issues or fallings out). DB is heartbroken trying to work out how to help him but also angry that nephew isn't taking any responsibility for himself and nephew is blaming everyone else for everything. SIL is standing firm and not taking him back for the forseeable. We're all holding out hope for some magical intervention to happen on Tuesday from SS but realistically know that is unlikely. So does anyone know what SS can offer? I've said that nephew should fall into vulnerable adult category due to his Asperger's so would he be more a priority for being housed somewhere? None of us, or anyone we know has ever been in this situation before, we're not familiar with services and don't know what to ask for. Any advice from those in the know or have been through similar??

Can you help him find a live in post lots of pubs have live in staff , if he's 18 and never had SS input will not have access to the leaving care act .. so don't think you get much help there

In Wiltshire I believe the threshold is in imminent danger of harm which this drug and alcohol addict isn’t.
I certainly don’t blame his mother for kicking him out nor his father for having him to wreck his home too.
Having ASD isn’t an excuse for being abusive and dangerous as far as I know l

For advice on homelessness and next steps:

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness

Oh another op @desperateaunty running to MN to post and when the majority points out it is all on her 'D' B, she flounces off. Clearly op doesn't like what she is reading. NO caring father prioritises a new partner over a child. WHy not put him up 'even for a few days' whilst trying to find a solution from teh gov? Time to put his 'strict parenting' to good use I say- let his son come stay with him.

I didn’t state social services would help him with housing.
If he/his family access the local offer for autistic adults (or go through the link I posted upthread or National Autistic Society), they can
provide really specialist help for people aged 0-25.

Just because he’s 18 and perhaps not classed as vulnerable, does not mean he cannot access/isnt entitled to access autism services in Wiltshire.

No but it’s quite likely that he isn’t able to manage and self regulate his emotions easily….hence why he’s having what seem like melt downs.

In the case of my own DS (now 18), when he was about 11 and having quite full on, violent/self harm threat type melt downs, as soon as we began using the zero demand parenting technique he almost stopped having melt downs overnight! It totally worked. It wasn’t easy to begin with but it did work.

Unfortunately there are consequences when someone is violent/criminal and this is some of them

I assume Wiltshire operate like most large LAs whereby the county council will have Social Services but each area has district councils which are responsible for housing

So two pronged approach, he needs to present as homeless to his local district council. Then via the LA, he needs to request a Care Act assessment which should determine whether he has eligible needs which can be supported by a care package, which could include supported accommodation

During the homeless assessment he should be offered temporary accommodation and needs to be prepared that this will be of a hostel/bedsit type arrangement.

I’m going to hazard a guess that your DB’s partner either has younger children and/or is frightened of your nephew herself, hence he can’t live with them?

I’m not denying that his Dad needs to help him, but I can also see why his new partner might refuse to have him in their home, esp. if she has children.

Ive just noticed he is working, this is good news.

Mum and dad should have a look on spareroom.com and find a house share/bedsit, you rarely need guarantors for those, theres no tenancy to tie him down and the deposit is normally quite cheap, mum and dad could pay that for him.

DB is heartbroken trying to work out how to help him

IMO DB needs to step up and not prioritise the partner and the rest of his life over parenting his child - not condoning your nephew's behaviour or drug use but he's only 18 after all and has probably been let down by the system regarding his ND and MH. However, I don't mean DB should not consider his live-in partner's needs, s/he needs to be protected from him too and obviously not suddenly disrupted. But DB will have to evaluate his living arrangements, lifestyle and the needs of his child in the longer term. I understand it is very complicated but he needs to be practical rather than 'being heartbroken'.

Clearly the mother is not safe with this young man in her house and he needs firmer boundaries, so DB needs to liaise with the young man's mother and potentially take over liaising with Social Services and other agencies. In the meantime, he needs to pay for somewhere for him to go temporarily so he's not sleeping on a park bench which would put him at risk.

I would suggest that DB finds out quickly about strategies for appropriate parenting with ASD. Firm and clear, yes, but also appropriate for the situation. Try googling for NVR, it is a family therapy approach sometimes available via (Children's) Social Services or NHS, but they might need to get a private practitioner involved. Not sure about Adult Social Services, and as people have said, he may not meet the threshold for ASS support and it would take time anyway. (Of course, 18 year olds should be being left in the lurch like this but they are.) Some of the ideas can start to be implemented straight away though. It can be quite alien to people who have a certain idea of firm parenting, and it might be that your nephew's mother's 'soft parenting' was along these lines, or not.

https://www.oxfordhealth.nhs.uk/camhs/carers/family-ambassadors/non-violent-resistance-nvr-parenting-approach/

https://nvrpc.org.uk/

Both parents need to share the task to support and that doesnt necessarily mean living with their son.

However if the suggestion is for the father to learn techniques to live with his son then that equally applies to the mother, and it was the mother that he was living with when he was chucked out.

Its probably more realistic to fund a houseshare for him and keep taking him to work so he maintains that. He needs to manage coping skills and life skills.

I agree, @bellac11 . An 18-year-old with an uncontrolled temper is potentially dangerous -my DS (15), for example, is much taller and stronger than me, he could easily hurt his middle-aged parents.

I feel sorry for everyone in this situation.

The son is violent and has a criminal record. Are you offering him accommodation? Would you? Do you have a bottomless pit of money? Thought not. But it's easy to tell others what they should do - without having the foggiest notion of what his father might already have done to help him and perhaps had it thrown back in his face.

I did state in my area. Anyone who is actively under the influence is refused overnight accommodation as the staff cannot keep the others safe. I have known several people who have been refused due to drugs, including a middle aged woman. Apparently OPs nephew is violent when taking drugs, they will not allow him in as they have a duty of care to the other homeless people. She needs to be aware it might not be as easy as some of you suggest.

You'd better believe I would, IF it were actually my own child.
I'd also be questioning what made him so screwed up in the first place.

He’s 18, barely an adult, with asperger’s so very likely functioning at a younger age.
Your DB needs to step up tbh. His mum has done his bit all these years. He needs to take his son in and provide the guidance of a father, he’s craving.

ASD Teenager Parent here … high functioning, and has been on the receiving end of more than one “meltdown”

What support has he had for his ASD? Is he on any medication? When was he last seen by a psychiatrist? Was he with CAMHS?

The only kind of thing you talk about being accessed where Educational Provisions, what other support services were accessed? Did you B & SIL educate themselves on how to parent an ASD teen (and yes I know it’s a spectrum)

”Tough Love” does not work for a lot of ASD Teenagers, we are very low demand.. which had had a very positive effect.

An ASD “meltdown” is not a “choice” .. it’s a reaction to being overwhelmed, and an inability to safely express an emotion.

Why should the father be ok with being at risk of violence?

Is it because he is a man?

I think a lot of the comments relating to the ‘violence’ are coming from a place of an atypical 18 yr old and not from someone who’s experiencing autistic burnout/overwehlm/dysregulation.

Dr Judy Eaton (help4psychology) has done a lot of work in research and in practice (also in the courts) with autistic teens and adults who through no fault of their own are misunderstood by police and end up either in a bad place or worse, prison.

An autistic meltdown isn’t a choice. It’s when an unregulated, autistic person gets to the point where they have no idea how to self-soothe/regulate their overwhelming emotion and anxiety and their fight/flight/freeze response is massively heightened. The subsequent melt down is a response to that and in a lot of cases, the person does not remember the melt down afterwards and are generally extremely upset and apologetic.

Using a parenting/support techinique of very low/zero demands enables the person to access more of their world, without the feeling of overwhelm and burn out that often leads to a melt down.

When you're on the receiving end of it, it really makes no odds where it has come from, unless you're talking about very young children.

This is a fully grown man, albeit very young man

Also not every piece of behaviour is from someones diagnosis, its possible for anyone to behave badly at times.

Where does it say in the OP that this lad is ‘violent’? It says he trashed his bedroom (not unusual with ASD meltdowns), not that he’s ever attacked or threatened anyone. There’s a big bloody difference!

I wonder what triggered it OP? Did SIL say? There will have been a trigger.

The father needs to sort this out and take responsibility for housing and putting support in place for his disabled son. Mum has done enough. He is only 18 and very vulnerable. Still very much a young teenager internally very likely, due to the ASD.

He should be ashamed that his son’s friend’s parents are picking up his responsibility. He must surely know about his son’s diagnosis, have researched it and knew that he will need long term support. Why deliberately put himself into a position where he can wash his hands of him at just 18 without him being set up in a secure situation. Disgusting!

My ASD DS is almost 22. Couldn’t imagine kicking him out into a council hostel, although he’s never trashed his room. Still couldn’t imagine doing so if he did to be quite honest.

How many threads with posters aghast that 18 year olds are kicked out of home and threads saying parents need to contribute to over 18 DCs Uni costs? Nuts responses on here.

Absolutely this.

This isn’t a child it’s an adult man. It doesn’t really much matter where it has come from when directed at you- hence SIL ringing the police due to feeling threatened. And that’s his own mother, who will know him inside and out much better than us all on the internet.

Why should the father be ok with being at risk of violence?

Is it because he is a man?

Because he needs to take a turn in actively parenting his son. Yes, even at 18.

The son "trashed" his room, there's been no indication that he has hurt or threatened to hurt any person. His mother has understandably reached the end of her tether. Time for his dad to step up.

bellac11

What nonsense. Parents of ASC teens up and down the country live with this kind of thing. Autism can’t be switched on and off once a child turns 18.

Such ignorance on here.

Local council. Join the housing list. He may get a 1 bedroom place. My male cousin aged 28 just got housed by our council after 3 months on the waiting list. No disability. We were shocked and pleased. 1 bed ground floor flat. We works full time so we thought they'd be no hope.