Help! Vulnerable 18yr old nephew homeless

[desperateaunty]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

Hoping someone may have some advice/help that we have not considered.
I will try to keep this short but of course there is history, this situation hasn't just happened in a vacuum.
18yr old nephew with Asperger's has been a problem for a while, gradually getting worse. School was difficult for him and took along time for diagnosis, school weren't very supportive seemed to just want to get rid of him. DB and SIL tried several alternative provisions, none of which were successful. Since finishing school he hasn't been able to hold down a job, despite help with apprenticeships and college place etc. Last year events escalated, increasing drink and drug use. Arrested last Christmas in a club for drug possession (can't remember details but not charged). Supposed to have been offered support from Youth Offending Team but usual issue of waiting lists, lack of resources etc so never followed up.

Events have escalated again this Christmas. DB and SIL are divorced (several years ago) so nephew lives with her (but DB is local to them so has always been very involved). Part reason for their divorce was their different parenting styles; SIL is a softie, less boundaries, DB is the strict one. DB offered nephew to move in with him after last year's arrest but nephew refused (probably knew he wouldn't be able to get away with things like he can with his mum). SIL has been brilliant at trying to access support for him but nothing seems to come of it or he doesn't follow through. Anyway last week SIL called police on him after he started trashing his room (not the first time this has happened, apparently)- she felt threatened, although he wasn't directly lashing out at her, but understandably she feared for her safety. He was let go with a caution but SIL has refused to let him back home. DB has recently moved in with his partner, having him live with him is not an option. Nephew has been sofa surfing at various friends houses but obviously this is only a temporary solution. DB has been on to SS since Christmas Eve but again, due to Christmas holidays etc it's skeleton staff, no resources, told to wait until next Tuesday - for what, I don't know.

Both I and my parents have offered him a place for the night but he has refused. We all live over an hour away, we're not close (not from lack of trying, very involved grandparents and aunty since he was born but sadly not much of a relationship has ever developed, no understanding as to why, eg no family issues or fallings out). DB is heartbroken trying to work out how to help him but also angry that nephew isn't taking any responsibility for himself and nephew is blaming everyone else for everything. SIL is standing firm and not taking him back for the forseeable. We're all holding out hope for some magical intervention to happen on Tuesday from SS but realistically know that is unlikely. So does anyone know what SS can offer? I've said that nephew should fall into vulnerable adult category due to his Asperger's so would he be more a priority for being housed somewhere? None of us, or anyone we know has ever been in this situation before, we're not familiar with services and don't know what to ask for. Any advice from those in the know or have been through similar??

Hi @desperateaunty

I really think you would get loads more autism specific help and a way forward if you posted this in the SEN older teens/adults section - I feel you’ll get more specific support.
Currently your nephew is being treated by his family as if he’s a wayward criminal and he isn’t at all - he’s an autistic young person, unable to
self-regulate and without adequate support for his specific needs.

When he trashed his room, that was most likely an autistic melt down. If he’s having melt downs, it means his needs are not being met and he desperately needs useful autism-specific adjustments made to help him cope with his environment.

His parents need to come up with a plan for him to live at one of their homes and they then need to step up and access family courses in autism (if they haven’t already) to better understand and better support their child. I might sound harsh but as soon as his needs are better supported, he will hopefully be so much less anxious and more able to cope. Tiny steps are all that’s needed - not massive transitions and changes. Otherwise nothing will change.

Someone (preferably someone who most understands his individual autism presentation) in his family needs to access the autism team in your local area to access immediate support. If possible, he needs an autism specialist support worker to meet up and help him. The people below will be able to help signpost and get the family the help he needs.

Go to this page and check out how to get support with issues your nephew is facing
https://www.wsun.co.uk/wiltshire-autism-hub/

OP has said themselves he manages when he wants to. I have ASD but could hold down a job and rent a room if needed.

To be classed as vulnerable his needs would have to exceed a certain threshold. I doubt his Mother would have kicked him out if this was the case.

Didn't say he should get him a flat, said he should help him get set up in a budget houseshare.
Not sure when you last rented a room anywhere but it's not in the ballpark of 5k unless you're in central London, which the poster isn't. It's not easy to get a houseshare without a guarantor but it is possible for budget accomodation.

Children don't switch to being children to fully capable when the clock ticks over to their 18th birthday, and not many parents would knowingly leave their 18yr old kids with no safety net unless they genuinely couldn't afford to, especially one who is likely to struggle that bit more, given that ASD is a social and communication disability. It's a shitty decision of his dad's to move on and leave it all on his ex, knowing that his son had difficulties and like most 18yr olds, is likely to make mistakes - as he already knew given his schooling record.

Someone needs to take him in or pay for a rented room somewhere whilst the family look for supported living or some kind of independent living.

I hate that someone had to present as homeless to get help now- horrendous state of affairs. Personally I think your sil has done so much but your db should try and figure out a place so he has somewhere to stay, his son takes precedence over a new relationship- sounds harsh but I don’t know. Good that he’s holding down a job, no help but try and chat to him, not even about his situation just a general chat about interests, job etc, just so he feels someone is listening. Hope it works out.

Can understand why sil doesn't want him back...however db should offer him a sofa. Child over partner any time.

He is working this is really good news - and very positive. I would say leave him to sofa surf and leave him to get his own help with temp accommodation- he is quite capable of sorting himself by the sounds of it.
He has a job - he has friends to stay with - he can ring around for homeless advice himself can't he.i have an adult son with asd so I do understand his mum's stance re trashing his room - but the fact that he is working makes all the difference it means that he more than capable of sorting himself out - the best thing you can all do is to not help him - this might sound harsh but the only way he will learn not to disrespect his mother and her home is to be in this situation and sort himself out. What is wrong with the temp solution of sofa surfing ?
He has not responded to help that has been offered in the past so you all need to stop trying on his behalf.
He is not vulnerable because of his aspergers - he needs to learn consequences of his actions so hope your SIL & brother don't give in - that his the hardest thing for a parent to do. The best thing you can all do is nothing! The reason why all the organisations you mention have long waiting lists and lack of resources is because of everyone trying to get help because they think they are vulnerable. This guy can has a job so if he able to work then he is able enough to look for accommodation should his friends get fed up with him, can't really see what you are expecting from social services?

Your brother needs to move out of his girlfriend's and set up home with his son.
It's just what you do for your kid, particularly when they are troubled and vulnerable

18 is still very young. Some will be holding down jobs and managing completely on their own but this will be unrealistic for a lot of 18 year olds with Asperger's. Two years behind developmentally is a good starting point though obviously it varies by individuals. Loads of autistic people who go on to manage well as adults would massively struggle to hold down a job at 18, let alone live unsupported as well.

I don't buy his dad's story - if the flat would be available "if only he didn't have tenants" then he can afford to get a roof over his vulnerable son's head.

If neither parent can have him live with them then they need to be part of finding a different solution to help him build some stability.

That depends whether the partner has any children. If DB has rented out his place and is living with his partner and her children, he can't put them at risk.

Thew nephew had a violent outburst and is taking drugs. The partner shouldn't have to accept that.

In my limited experience of these things, OP, while your nephew has relatives offering a bed the council is unlikely to step in.

He’s an adult, violent and with a criminal record.

Yes, He’s massively lucky to have options.
Many street homeless with drug/ drink/ mental health issues have zero options having exhausted all goodwill from family and friends.

Hopefully he will learn that trashing a house is inexcusable.
It’s good that the dad is strict as wishy washy parenting doesn’t work that well in these circumstances.

Is there a YMCA or Salvation Army hub near?

I assume he's rejecting the offered options in the assumption that his Mum will relent and take him back?

FFS
He's 18, he doesn't have a criminal record* and he's had some issues with drink and drugs - how many 18yr olds do you know who have never touched either?
He's got some good going for him if he's turning up to work while sofa surfing!

Your brother can rent a place then using the income from his rental. It was rather short sighted of him to rent his house out.

But this is why the system is overwhelmed, the sheer number of grown adults who seemingly cannot look after themselves. This young man has a job, he has friends, he’s been offered somewhere to stay but didn’t accept. Why should the state intervene and house him?

Authoritarian parenting is useless to support a young person with ASD. All it does is make the person attempting it feel like a Big Man.

A few years ago, a young adult with an ASD who had nowhere to live would have been considered vulnerable and entitled to help from the council. That doesn't mean they would get a council flat, in my area they were usually placed in specialist accommodation where they could be supported to develop the skills they need to live independently.

Sadly, I suspect that the projects that provided this support have been cut to the bone and only the very vulnerable now benefit from it.

He's 18, social services have no duty to him. He needs to present as homeless and request emergency accommodation but he has a father, unsure why he can't provide him with a home? The fact that he's moved in with his partner doesn't preclude him from moving out and renting a place for the two of them to live. At a pinch DB could rent a bed sit for him.

Social Services don’t just help children.

Sounds he has many offers of help, but they are heavily conditional.
Not worth the trip, if there is a risk of no show is just one example.

He can't magically behave or get rid of his issues.
If you want to help him as wider family, offer less, but unconditionally.
It really sounds like his father doesn't count with him much.

That's more a difference about likelihood of having a diagnosis than any changes to how people are assessed for priority housing duty.

The test for vulnerability is the Pereira test, and it hasn't changed. If anything, some later case law has actually forced councils to extend the priority duty where it might have been refused before.

In the past only people who struggled more obviously (eg struggled with daily living) were likely to be assessed for ASD, they would have likely met the threshold for the above vulnerability test. These days it's more likely that people will be assessed for ASD even if they function well day to day/most of the time, not everyone with an ASD diagnosis will meet the threshold for homeless duty.

I say that as someone with ASD diagnosed in adulthood. Mine certainly has caused me difficulties looking back, and I suspect if I'd had the understanding and support I could have got further ahead in life, but it doesn't affect my ability to source housing, pay bills or deal with neighbours. Obviously everyone with a diagnosis has their own experience of it but it doesn't necessarily mean someone needs support of the state. It doesn't mean they should be expected by the parent to be a fully independent adult at 18 though either.

YMCA supported living and ADHD assessment asap. If he has autism there is a likelihood he has both. https://www.ymca.org.uk/about/what-we-do/housing/ymca-england-and-wales-housing

Adult social care have very high thresholds for intervention. They also don't provide emergency/short term accommodation to homeless teens. It's housing he needs to apply to.