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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help! Vulnerable 18yr old nephew homeless

130 replies

desperateaunty · 28/12/2023 14:43

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic.

Hoping someone may have some advice/help that we have not considered.
I will try to keep this short but of course there is history, this situation hasn't just happened in a vacuum.
18yr old nephew with Asperger's has been a problem for a while, gradually getting worse. School was difficult for him and took along time for diagnosis, school weren't very supportive seemed to just want to get rid of him. DB and SIL tried several alternative provisions, none of which were successful. Since finishing school he hasn't been able to hold down a job, despite help with apprenticeships and college place etc. Last year events escalated, increasing drink and drug use. Arrested last Christmas in a club for drug possession (can't remember details but not charged). Supposed to have been offered support from Youth Offending Team but usual issue of waiting lists, lack of resources etc so never followed up.

Events have escalated again this Christmas. DB and SIL are divorced (several years ago) so nephew lives with her (but DB is local to them so has always been very involved). Part reason for their divorce was their different parenting styles; SIL is a softie, less boundaries, DB is the strict one. DB offered nephew to move in with him after last year's arrest but nephew refused (probably knew he wouldn't be able to get away with things like he can with his mum). SIL has been brilliant at trying to access support for him but nothing seems to come of it or he doesn't follow through. Anyway last week SIL called police on him after he started trashing his room (not the first time this has happened, apparently)- she felt threatened, although he wasn't directly lashing out at her, but understandably she feared for her safety. He was let go with a caution but SIL has refused to let him back home. DB has recently moved in with his partner, having him live with him is not an option. Nephew has been sofa surfing at various friends houses but obviously this is only a temporary solution. DB has been on to SS since Christmas Eve but again, due to Christmas holidays etc it's skeleton staff, no resources, told to wait until next Tuesday - for what, I don't know.

Both I and my parents have offered him a place for the night but he has refused. We all live over an hour away, we're not close (not from lack of trying, very involved grandparents and aunty since he was born but sadly not much of a relationship has ever developed, no understanding as to why, eg no family issues or fallings out). DB is heartbroken trying to work out how to help him but also angry that nephew isn't taking any responsibility for himself and nephew is blaming everyone else for everything. SIL is standing firm and not taking him back for the forseeable. We're all holding out hope for some magical intervention to happen on Tuesday from SS but realistically know that is unlikely. So does anyone know what SS can offer? I've said that nephew should fall into vulnerable adult category due to his Asperger's so would he be more a priority for being housed somewhere? None of us, or anyone we know has ever been in this situation before, we're not familiar with services and don't know what to ask for. Any advice from those in the know or have been through similar??

OP posts:
CharmedCult · 28/12/2023 15:52

Tacotortoise · 28/12/2023 15:47

That's unfair. His father offered to house him last year, he said no. His father can't insist he moves in with him.

Show quote history

Before all this escalated to recent events, the father made a choice to move in with his partner to a house with no space for his teenage (probably 17 at the time) son to come and stay with him.

His dad sent a very clear message to his son by doing that.

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 15:53

Babyroobs · 28/12/2023 15:47

This.
DB needs to prioritise his son.
I doubt SS are going to be interested in an 18 year old, he isn't a child.
If DB can't put him up because of his new relationship then he should be helping him source a bedsit, claim benefits to pay for it and helping pay for it if he can.

Show quote history

I disagree. His son is an adult. You prioritise your children until they are adults then the onus is on them to take care of themselves. He is no longer a child.

Babyroobs · 28/12/2023 15:54

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 15:53

I disagree. His son is an adult. You prioritise your children until they are adults then the onus is on them to take care of themselves. He is no longer a child.

Show quote history

He is a vulnerable young person with a disability. Who on earth leaves a young person to their own devices as soon as they turn 18 yet alone one with a disability ?

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2023 15:57

Take a step back. He is an 18 year old man with a drug problem. Of course his mum doesn't have to invite him back. Not only is she scared of him, but he's also smashing up her house. He knows what to do, let him hit rock bottom before realising that he has to.change.

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 15:57

I also disagree that he is vulnerable. An able bodied man without a learning difficulty who is taking drugs and acting aggressively is not vulnerable. If anything it’s the people around him who are vulnerable as he is a risk to them.

auntyElle · 28/12/2023 15:58

desperateaunty · 28/12/2023 15:11

DB has literally just started renting out his place so is tied into a 6 month contract at least - he is already considering this as an option for him but unfortunately that can't happen immediately.

But DB chose to do that while having a son with severe longterm problems. And while feeling that his son's mother is too soft (ie he himself could do a better job). Very hands off.

Babyroobs · 28/12/2023 15:59

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 15:57

I also disagree that he is vulnerable. An able bodied man without a learning difficulty who is taking drugs and acting aggressively is not vulnerable. If anything it’s the people around him who are vulnerable as he is a risk to them.

Do you know anything about Aspergers? It is a from of Autism.

DriftingDora · 28/12/2023 16:03

Bridgertonned · Today 15:34

If your brother can't house him he should realistically be helping him with the deposit and rent upfront for a budget houseshare.

Why should he? You don't know his father's circumstances, nor do you know how many times he's tried to help his son in the past and got nowhere - I'd guess many times. Most people don't have a bottomless pit of money and deposits aren't cheap. There's no guarantee that this won't be pouring money down the drain, either, as the son's behaviour may well get him kicked out of a houseshare. It's very easy to glibly say it's the father's responsibility when you don't know the full facts.

Edited to say: the son was obviously getting money from somewhere, to be able to afford drink and drugs.

Mplpurple · 28/12/2023 16:03

If I were you, I'd stay well out of it. SIL has been abused enough. These people need to reach rock bottom to stop behaving so poorly.

My brother is an addict and trashes my parents' home regularly. They refuse to make him homeless and they really should do.

As for hat, scarf and gloves poster. Nah, he'll just sell them.

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 16:05

@desperateaunty He just goes straight to the council offices and signs up as homeless (which he is.)

If he has a recognised disability they will decide they have a duty to house. Either way, they'll put him in temporary accom till they decide. I've done it all and it's unpleasant but worth it.

Mrsttcno1 · 28/12/2023 16:05

Mplpurple · 28/12/2023 16:03

If I were you, I'd stay well out of it. SIL has been abused enough. These people need to reach rock bottom to stop behaving so poorly.

My brother is an addict and trashes my parents' home regularly. They refuse to make him homeless and they really should do.

As for hat, scarf and gloves poster. Nah, he'll just sell them.

Absolutely this.

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 16:07

I also disagree that he is vulnerable. An able bodied man without a learning difficulty who is taking drugs and acting aggressively is not vulnerable.

He has ASD- that's a disability. Of course he's vulnerable. People don't usually act like this unless they have issues.

porridgeisbae · 28/12/2023 16:10

Ah ok, I saw he's earning- if he's earning the council might not help him but it's still worth a try.

SS might also find him somewhere. They might have less staff on but it's still an emergency so they will respond to it.

Americansmoothie · 28/12/2023 16:11

desperateaunty · 28/12/2023 15:11

DB has literally just started renting out his place so is tied into a 6 month contract at least - he is already considering this as an option for him but unfortunately that can't happen immediately.

Why am I not surprised? Honestly, OP, your brother isn't looking good in all this. Split with your nephew's mum because he didn't approve of her parenting style, left her to deal with a clearly very difficult teenager, now moved in with someone new and couldn't possibly be expected to have the son stay even for a night or two. A cynical observer might conclude your brother's managed this very well.

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 16:11

DriftingDora · 28/12/2023 16:03

Bridgertonned · Today 15:34

If your brother can't house him he should realistically be helping him with the deposit and rent upfront for a budget houseshare.

Why should he? You don't know his father's circumstances, nor do you know how many times he's tried to help his son in the past and got nowhere - I'd guess many times. Most people don't have a bottomless pit of money and deposits aren't cheap. There's no guarantee that this won't be pouring money down the drain, either, as the son's behaviour may well get him kicked out of a houseshare. It's very easy to glibly say it's the father's responsibility when you don't know the full facts.

Edited to say: the son was obviously getting money from somewhere, to be able to afford drink and drugs.

Edited

This. So the dad stumps up the cash to get him a place, then what? It’ll get trashed or the rent not paid, and as the guarantor he will be responsible. Even if the son doesn’t trash it, renting a flat isn’t cheap, a deposit and a few months of rent could easily be £5k. Do you have that sort of money knocking around?

BreadInCaptivity · 28/12/2023 16:14

Adult SS won't do anything beyond signposting him to hostels/housing.

The reality is that he is not even technically homeless as relatives have offered him a place to stay - him choosing not to take up those offers doesn't mean the council is obligated to find him a better offer.

PP's have talked about supported accommodation. If he work then he won't meet the threshold of need to access such housing and even if he did his behaviour would make him very difficult to place because of the impact on other residents (and certainly drugs would not be allowed).

In truth the issue here is not his Asperger's - it's his drink and drug use which has led to his mother calling time on his behaviour.

Rather than everyone running around trying to find him somewhere to live, the priority is actually getting him to realise that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and start addressing his own behaviours.

His dad could support him in finding a flat share or similar and maybe a deposit. But your nephew will need to understand that nobody will want to live with a violent drunk/druggie so he needs to knock that behaviour on the head.

Personally I think your SIL has done the right thing and you should support her in holding firm and making your nephew accountable for his actions.

Bex268 · 28/12/2023 16:14

Your brother, his dad, needs to step up and put his son before his partner. A child who is autistic needs a lot more understanding and support and help navigating their way around this world. It will be tough and he’s not blameless at all, but he needs his dad now. Your brother sounds like a right idiot putting his partner first. Parents accept that they often need to give lifelong support to their autistic children and that can often look very different to one person to the next but right now he needs his dad.

Lovemusic82 · 28/12/2023 16:17

I disagree that any family should be offering to house him, he needs his own place and needs support in place, he’s an adult now and if he can’t behave himself and keep himself out of trouble he needs to fend for himself, it sounds like his parents have done what they can to help him and are now at breaking point.

He needs to contact the council/housing authority and fill in the forms to get on the housing list, if he’s homeless he will be made priority, if he has proof of his disability he will be made priority. Of course it depends on what area he’s in to what the housing situation is like and how fast he will be housed. SS maybe able to help but this can take some time. Contacting his local councillor may help, getting advice from CAB may help and any evidence from any professionals will help. He should be offered at least temporarily accommodation pretty quickly.

It’s pretty hard to get any support in place for anyone over 18 unless they agree to it (I’m going through this with my dd who’s turning 18 and is autistic), sadly a lot of young adults with ASD end up hitting rock bottom before admitting they need help, this often results in them being arrested, self harming or being sectioned.

BreadInCaptivity · 28/12/2023 16:19

Having Asperger's doesn't mean people are exempt from being dicks.

Additionally that diagnosis doesn't automatically mean the council have a duty to house him.

There are plenty of people with an autism diagnosis that navigate the world very successfully.

The fact he can work strongly indicates that he won't meant the threshold for SS intervention.

Neolara · 28/12/2023 16:23

Goldenpashmina · 28/12/2023 15:52

He is 18 and is currently holding down a job? Why is the parents or councils responsibility to house him? He could get a room in a shared house for c.£400 pm...

What is he doing to address his housing situation?

This.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:27

His dad should be supporting him. How could any parent not realise his child has problems and not support him?

Naptrappedmummy · 28/12/2023 16:29

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:27

His dad should be supporting him. How could any parent not realise his child has problems and not support him?

Because they’re at the end of their tether with his drink and drug taking and aggressive behaviour having supported him for years previously? It’s not hard to put yourself in their shoes. Parents are also human.

Seaweed42 · 28/12/2023 16:29

Have you considered getting an assessment for ADHD?
Medication for that might help him stay focused and with less distractabiliity would help him stay in a job better.

If he has ADHD he will have racing thoughts and either be over focused on one idea or lose focus very easily. Therefore in a job he'll have a hard time staying with very tedious tasks, become very frustrated and feel a need to escape (much more than someone without ADHD).

He might also have a chaotic sleep schedule, preferring to be up at night and either cannot sleep or could sleep for 13hrs without waking.
He talks 'at' you rather than 'to' you. Often talks about an idea he has, or an agitated opinion about something.
Does any of that ring a bell?

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 16:32

Your brother needs to step up and be a father. Put his son first. He is still very young.

Testina · 28/12/2023 16:32

“DB has recently moved in with his partner, having him live with him is not an option.”

Bullshit.