Page 10 | To ask what made you want to be a stay at home parent?

Hjjo · 2023-12-28T14:31:41+00:00

ds is 13 months. I feel like it’s constant and it won’t ever stop will it? He’s not even difficult. He’s a placid baby mostly. I’m just so bored. I feel terrible but I want to be at work and just away from the nappies and the routine and the non stop demands. I feel terrible for being able to be a sahm but not wanting to :(

Highlyflavouredgravy · 29/12/2023 19:41

GrouchyKiwi · 29/12/2023 19:32

I don't disagree with you about the multi-factorial nature of the rise in mental health issues, but PP's post wasn't about mothers specifically.

The problem of children spending most of their waking hours at school/nursery/wrap-around care could be solved by both parents being able to have part-time jobs and being able to be equally there for their children. The issue is needing TWO FULL-TIME jobs just to be able to afford the basics of life (housing, food), when in the past only one full-time salary was needed for a comfortable lifestyle.

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Thank you grouchykiwi- that's the point I was making

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 19:53

GrouchyKiwi · 29/12/2023 19:32

I don't disagree with you about the multi-factorial nature of the rise in mental health issues, but PP's post wasn't about mothers specifically.

The problem of children spending most of their waking hours at school/nursery/wrap-around care could be solved by both parents being able to have part-time jobs and being able to be equally there for their children. The issue is needing TWO FULL-TIME jobs just to be able to afford the basics of life (housing, food), when in the past only one full-time salary was needed for a comfortable lifestyle.

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But Mothers were the ones who would stay at home, not fathers which is why it seems to blame working mothers.

It also assumes that no parents but again, particularly mothers because they are the ones who are more likely to give up their careers actually enjoy working and want to continue that full time when they become mothers.

Sprinklerainbows · 29/12/2023 19:55

I felt this way so went back 2/3 days a week. I felt MUCH better. And I was definitely a better mum for it. Now I’ve had baby no. 2 she’s 7 months and I’m looking to go back to work again soon. Stay at home mums are super human, I just just the urge to be both a mum and work and that’s okay, as it is for you x

Shinytaps · 29/12/2023 19:58

Don’t feel bad if you went to work. Do what’s right for you. I hate all these threads that start “I’m fortunate to be able to be a SAHM” fair enough but not everyone wants that.

GrouchyKiwi · 29/12/2023 20:03

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 19:53

But Mothers were the ones who would stay at home, not fathers which is why it seems to blame working mothers.

It also assumes that no parents but again, particularly mothers because they are the ones who are more likely to give up their careers actually enjoy working and want to continue that full time when they become mothers.

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Sure, but it doesn't have to be the same as it was in the past.

It would be best if people didn't HAVE to work full-time if they preferred not to, and were able to split their time between work and home more to their satisfaction (and I don't just mean parents, but everyone who works). It's becoming clearer that having the option of a proper work-life balance (whatever that means for the individual) is best for good mental health.

I'm also sure that parents who are happy working full time and feel fulfilled by it are better for their children than parents who feel compelled to work full time because they need to for survival.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 20:06

GrouchyKiwi · 29/12/2023 20:03

Sure, but it doesn't have to be the same as it was in the past.

It would be best if people didn't HAVE to work full-time if they preferred not to, and were able to split their time between work and home more to their satisfaction (and I don't just mean parents, but everyone who works). It's becoming clearer that having the option of a proper work-life balance (whatever that means for the individual) is best for good mental health.

I'm also sure that parents who are happy working full time and feel fulfilled by it are better for their children than parents who feel compelled to work full time because they need to for survival.

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It would be though because men don't generally line up to sacrifice their careers.

If it was truly set up as an option for everyone and not aimed just at mothers, I wouldn't necessarily be against it but I feel it would largely just increase the inequality between men and women in the workplace.

Abracadabra12345 · 29/12/2023 20:25

Goldcrestonabranch · 28/12/2023 15:34

I really want (and wanted) to be a sahm. Mainly to make my life easier. Both DC have SN, one severely disabled. I would have some breathing space when they are in school, the school hols would be less stressful (I am allowed to WFH though but it is still hard), I wouldn't sit on my laptop at night to work the hours back from the at least fortnightly hospital appointments. In short, I want to be sahm to have an easier life. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to live on 76.75 per week (carers allowance).

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Have you applied for DLA for them both?

Goldcrestonabranch · 29/12/2023 21:05

@Abracadabra12345

I get DLA for both (though one only low rate care). I work reduced hours and DLA is making up in part of my loss of income. It's not enough to pay the bills and give up work.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2023 21:15

Highlyflavouredgravy · 29/12/2023 19:12

It always amazes me that people deny any correlation between the massive increase in mental health problems in children and the massive increase in children being in full time childcare outside the home.
There are children doing 12 hour days in childcare- either nursery or school and wrap around care and it is just too much.

I think the fact that we have a society that requires two full time wages to survive pretty much is awful for our children.

The problem is that there's just no evidence that this is true though. Numerous studies have been done on this over the past four or five decades and none has yet found a compelling evidence even of correlation, let alone causation, between women's rising participation in the labour force and mental health problems and delinquency in children and teens. None. This is wish-fulfilment on the part of people who are uncomfortable with the idea of women working and want to create this narrative for political reasons.

There is much more compelling evidence, by contrast, that COVID has had a damaging impact on children's mental health. Even in the three years since that's happened there is a wealth of data suggesting children's health has suffered.

If the evidence is so clear cut in the case of COVID, why has no one ever really been able to make the case stick against working women? Because the case is non existing.

Char65 · 30/12/2023 10:54

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 18:51

See, that's a reason why we both work. It means that we both share the financial load so that one of us doesn't have to work all hours under the sun and we can both enjoy family time too.

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@SouthLondonMum22 My DH didn't work long hours because we needed the money he did because a) it was expected of him and b) he loved it! Obviously the family benefitted from his high income but we could have got by on a lot less.

Char65 · 30/12/2023 10:57

TheGoogleMum · 29/12/2023 19:34

I had no interest in being a SAHM after my first. It didn't make sense for me to not work financially anyway but I would have found it tedious. Now I've had my 2nd I wish I didn't have to go back to work a bit but we can't afford me to be a SAHM

I actually thing there are a lot of mother's like you who would like to be SAHM but can't afford to be and feel that was one of the reasons some mother's were less than complimentary about me being a SAHM when our children were young.

Char65 · 30/12/2023 11:00

Cinderellanellabella · 29/12/2023 19:05

I'm a SAHM because I enjoy it and find it very fulfilling. But if I did not find it enjoyable or fulfilling then I would not do it. We are all individuals OP and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to return to work if that makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

This is the same for me when our children were young - I really enjoyed it which totally surprised a lot of women.

Char65 · 30/12/2023 11:18

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2023 18:15

@Char65

One of the reasons for the current issues in society I believe is that too many children are left to their own devices and they get influenced by 'friends' and social media and drawn into gangs, drugs and antisocial behaviour because parents are working all hours or just don't care about them. As I said in my last post our two boys needed me more when they were teenagers than when they'd been younger.

I agree that teenagers need more parental support in some ways than very young children and I certainly think they need a lot more guidance. I have a nearly 13 year old who needs me much more now than she did when she was seven.

But I'm not sure that having their mother (and let's be honest it is almost always their mother) around on hand full time is necessarily a panacea for this. For many reasons: it doesn't support the development of healthy independence for one thing. Teenagers do need (in a safe and supervised way) to be able to start to try things on their own. And perhaps most importantly because if their mother (and again, it is usually the mother) does everything for them well into the second decade of their life it teaches them a damaging lesson about what the role of women is in their lives. A loving, engaged mother who also has her own interests outside of the home as well as being a rock to her children is usually a better rounded role model to both boys and girls than one who exists only to serve her children and husband.

Like anything in life it's a balance. Having an engaged, involved parent who has their eye on the ball and has your back is critical when you're a teenager and having your parents both working all hours isn't ideal. But I'm not convinced that a mother who hasn't worked for 15 years and has little other focus in her life other than her children is a better solution.

Umm, I can see your point but I disagree, I've not worked (outside the home!) since 1990 when I married. Obviously I have outside interests and our children had a lot of outside interests too when they were growing up, often linked to their private school. Our eldest son would have been a pro rugby player if hadn't been for injury. Obviously as they get older they form their own friendship groups and opinions and no parent is ever going to say they've not had some 'run ins' with their kids at times & bringing up children is always 'smooth sailing' because of course its not and its probably more difficult now than it has ever been due to numerous outside influences but our children always knew I was there for them if they needed me and that created a very strong bond. I have known other children - friends of my own children - so well educated, middle class professional families if you like whose parents (or in our case me!) didn't invest the time and they have gone completely off the rails. As I think I said despite me being a SAHM we have had some issues with our youngest son who gave up on Uni and is at home but he's now more settled and at college.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2023 11:30

@Char65

our children always knew I was there for them if they needed me and that created a very strong bond. I have known other children - friends of my own children - so well educated, middle class professional families if you like whose parents (or in our case me!) didn't invest the time and they have gone completely off the rails.

Fine but are you saying having a job means you “don’t invest the time”? If so by definition that applies to your husband too, no? Why is it only a mother’s role to have this strong bond and why does the mother having a job stand in the way of this? (But apparently not the father).

If we are going to play anecdata bingo: I have an incredibly strong bond with my teenage daughter and I work FT (I am a single parent so I have no choice whatsoever). Am I to feel guilty and that I am somehow disadvantaging my child and pushing her into delinquency because I work? Would it be preferable for me to hook up with any man who can support me just so I can remain at home.

I am sure you will say “yes but you don’t have a choice…” which is how people always backtrack on these threads in response to people pointing out the necessity of work, but surely you can see how unscientific and lacking in intellectual rigour and consistency is? We all apply our own filter to data gathering to suit our perspectives. But there still is no compelling data that children of working mothers do worse.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 11:37

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2023 11:30

@Char65

our children always knew I was there for them if they needed me and that created a very strong bond. I have known other children - friends of my own children - so well educated, middle class professional families if you like whose parents (or in our case me!) didn't invest the time and they have gone completely off the rails.

Fine but are you saying having a job means you “don’t invest the time”? If so by definition that applies to your husband too, no? Why is it only a mother’s role to have this strong bond and why does the mother having a job stand in the way of this? (But apparently not the father).

If we are going to play anecdata bingo: I have an incredibly strong bond with my teenage daughter and I work FT (I am a single parent so I have no choice whatsoever). Am I to feel guilty and that I am somehow disadvantaging my child and pushing her into delinquency because I work? Would it be preferable for me to hook up with any man who can support me just so I can remain at home.

I am sure you will say “yes but you don’t have a choice…” which is how people always backtrack on these threads in response to people pointing out the necessity of work, but surely you can see how unscientific and lacking in intellectual rigour and consistency is? We all apply our own filter to data gathering to suit our perspectives. But there still is no compelling data that children of working mothers do worse.

I’ll play anecdata bingo too.

I grew up with a SAHM and we don’t have a strong bond, my bond is much stronger with my father who worked full time.

CurlewKate · 30/12/2023 11:42

I am one of the lucky few who had an absolutely free choice about childcare. I had been working for 15 years before we had children so we had a healthy bank balance, either of us could have stopped work and we also had satisfactory childcare available. I gave up work because I was ready for a new and entirely different challenge. Absolutely no regrets!

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 11:47

It would be great for your baby to be a SAHM, be grateful for this opportunity, rather than resentful. There are lots of ways you can fill your time.

ElaineMBenes · 30/12/2023 11:51

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 11:47

It would be great for your baby to be a SAHM, be grateful for this opportunity, rather than resentful. There are lots of ways you can fill your time.

It would also be great if the OP decided to work and use childcare. Either option is perfectly fine!

No need for the guilt trip!

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 11:51

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 11:47

It would be great for your baby to be a SAHM, be grateful for this opportunity, rather than resentful. There are lots of ways you can fill your time.

It's only great if someone is happy to be a SAHM and wants to be a SAHM. It isn't great if the SAHM is bored and miserable.

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 12:18

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

ItsMyPartyParty · 30/12/2023 12:25

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 12:18

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

Oh shit you mean I was supposed to ask their name first?

ElaineMBenes · 30/12/2023 12:31

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 12:18

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

Mum ..... not dad?

Plus, the staff at the nursery we used weren't strangers after we met them. They were trained childcare professionals who do a wonderful job.

GrouchyKiwi · 30/12/2023 12:33

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 12:18

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

Better to be looked after by happy, healthy people than a depressed mother who feels trapped by her situation. Not everyone is happy staying at home with children.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/12/2023 12:37

GrouchyKiwi · 30/12/2023 12:33

Better to be looked after by happy, healthy people than a depressed mother who feels trapped by her situation. Not everyone is happy staying at home with children.

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Thank you. And also for clarity a trusted family member, long-term childminder or nanny (and indeed a teacher after the age of five) is not usually a "random stranger".

It's utterly bizarre how people characterise professional carers in these posts as if they were people off the street who a parent as accosted and shouted: "oi, take my little Johnny, I'm off to work". It doesn't work like that. My DD's former childminder was with us for the best part of a decade, she was almost a member of the family.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2023 13:01

youngones1 · 30/12/2023 12:18

I think better to be looked after by your actual mum rather than a random stranger.

Qualified professionals aren't random strangers, especially after settling in sessions and with the keyworker system.

If they are, then I suppose we all send our children to be looked after by 'random strangers' eventually if we don't home school.

Also, why mum instead of dad?