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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you for a Christmas present?

86 replies

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:09

I saw my parents recently and sent all the presents down with them to give to our family in the south as we spent Christmas up north this year.

I sent my brother a text on Christmas Day wishing them a happy Christmas, and let them know that our parents had my niece's present with them ready for when they met up (yesterday).

My brother and sil didn't send any presents for my two sons, they didn't acknowledge my message saying my niece's present was waiting for her, and I haven't received a thank you text.

Aibu to think this is slightly upsetting?

I will add my sil has had a tremendously AWFUL few months and for that I have sympathetic, however they have been patchy at best about sending presents for birthdays and Christmas for years now so it's not just a one off.

I don't want to get petty and stop sending my niece a present, but I don't feel it's wanted or appreciated?

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:24

Small bump

OP posts:
HamHand · 28/12/2023 14:25

yanbu, but I’d possibly cut some slack because of what you’ve said about their difficult time. I’m still waiting for any acknowledgment from mil and sil, both of whom opened their gifts together yesterday. It sucks.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/12/2023 14:26

its been a couple of days, they’ve had a bad year, Christmas with small children can be very hectic. I think YABU

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:26

HamHand · 28/12/2023 14:25

yanbu, but I’d possibly cut some slack because of what you’ve said about their difficult time. I’m still waiting for any acknowledgment from mil and sil, both of whom opened their gifts together yesterday. It sucks.

I won't say anything, I don't want to upset anyone.

It just hurts really.

Sorry you've got the same issue!

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:26

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 28/12/2023 14:26

its been a couple of days, they’ve had a bad year, Christmas with small children can be very hectic. I think YABU

I too have small children (double the amount they have) and have managed to text everyone.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:27

your brother is leaving the wife-work to his... wife. Maybe in a month or two you could have a word with him about that. Maybe throw in "perhaps it's time to stop with the presents, if it's too much stress for you?" which is hugely PA but EXACTLY what i said to my dear bro after years of not hearing from him at all unless his wife sent us a card.

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:29

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:27

your brother is leaving the wife-work to his... wife. Maybe in a month or two you could have a word with him about that. Maybe throw in "perhaps it's time to stop with the presents, if it's too much stress for you?" which is hugely PA but EXACTLY what i said to my dear bro after years of not hearing from him at all unless his wife sent us a card.

Maybe, I just don't want to stop sending stuff because I feel like it's a nice thing to do. But maybe it would stop me feeling like this in the future

OP posts:
Mazuslongtoenail · 28/12/2023 14:33

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:27

your brother is leaving the wife-work to his... wife. Maybe in a month or two you could have a word with him about that. Maybe throw in "perhaps it's time to stop with the presents, if it's too much stress for you?" which is hugely PA but EXACTLY what i said to my dear bro after years of not hearing from him at all unless his wife sent us a card.

Some years we get presents for the kids organised by DB’s wife. Sometimes we get none. The years we don’t get them I’m always pleased, it means that she’s not doing the wife work.

DH always does gifts and thank yous for his side of the family. It wouldn’t occur to him not to.

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:37

So should I just stop?

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:37

I would send a gift if I wanted to send a gift, irrespective of thank you card.

Do you think the child is responsible for the lack of thank you? No. The parents are. Stopping presents means you would punish a child to get back at their parent.

I too have small children (double the amount they have) and have managed to text everyone. Halo

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:38

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:37

I would send a gift if I wanted to send a gift, irrespective of thank you card.

Do you think the child is responsible for the lack of thank you? No. The parents are. Stopping presents means you would punish a child to get back at their parent.

I too have small children (double the amount they have) and have managed to text everyone. Halo

My comment was in answer to someone saying having a child was an excuse. Halo

Also just to be clear, I don't expect a thank you card, just a text.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:42

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:38

My comment was in answer to someone saying having a child was an excuse. Halo

Also just to be clear, I don't expect a thank you card, just a text.

Show quote history

I personally think a thank you text is pointless. We all have different standards?

Do you really want to stop sending your DN gifts because your brother (it is not your SIL's job) doesn't send a perfunctory text?

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:43

Pointless? Surely saying thank you is the point?

I think it's both their jobs, she's both their child

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:46

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:42

I personally think a thank you text is pointless. We all have different standards?

Do you really want to stop sending your DN gifts because your brother (it is not your SIL's job) doesn't send a perfunctory text?

Edited
Show quote history

whereas i and many others think it is INCREDIBLY rude not to thank someone who sends you a present. Regardless of if your parents sent one to them/their children.

@chrisntmas only you know if you should continue to send a gift to your brother's offspring. While i don't think gifts should be transactional, i am with the pp who said she's pleased when she doesn't get them because it means her SIL isn't doing the wifework.

how do you think the gift is received? is the child pleased? listless? rips the paper off and tosses it casually aside with barely a glance? could your parents give you the info? That would be what made me stop or carry on.

14Q · 28/12/2023 14:47

It's always nice to get a thank you but I think it's petty and sour to be 'upset' by not getting one. I think it's really mean spirited to not want to send further presents because of it. It's not the kids fault.

Who are you actually upset with? It should only be your brother. You know what he is like so is it unusual for him not to say thank you?

What I would do is phone my brother and ask him if the niece liked the present, depending what he said, I might Josh him about not saying thank you. I might tell him I like to receive thank yous.

I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me.

If they don't send presents then why don't you just stop. If I were them and if I knew it was upsetting to you if I forgot to say thank you I wouldn't want any gifts tbh.

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:48

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:43

Pointless? Surely saying thank you is the point?

I think it's both their jobs, she's both their child

that's where we differ. I handle my side of the family, DH handles his. In the past that has meant (because he is one of billions of siblings, all older) he and the DCs wrote a lot of thank-you cards, and I and the DCs wrote a few.

Then when my own SIL stopped doing the wifework, i only had to write one to my parents. All family dynamics are different, as Anna Karenina might have said.

XelaM · 28/12/2023 14:49

OP - I'm with you. It's so rude!

My daughter spent absolutely ages choosing a really beautiful personalised gift for her absolute bitch of a riding instructor and she didn't even acknowledge the present or say anything at all. It was really thoughtful and personalised for her and her family. It's so rude and next year I will get her a box of cheap chocolates and that's it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2023 14:49

My kids usually send and actual thank you card. Could it be that?

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:49

14Q · 28/12/2023 14:47

It's always nice to get a thank you but I think it's petty and sour to be 'upset' by not getting one. I think it's really mean spirited to not want to send further presents because of it. It's not the kids fault.

Who are you actually upset with? It should only be your brother. You know what he is like so is it unusual for him not to say thank you?

What I would do is phone my brother and ask him if the niece liked the present, depending what he said, I might Josh him about not saying thank you. I might tell him I like to receive thank yous.

I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me.

If they don't send presents then why don't you just stop. If I were them and if I knew it was upsetting to you if I forgot to say thank you I wouldn't want any gifts tbh.

I think it's strange that saying thank you is something that isn't expected by most people. Surely it's just manners.

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:50

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2023 14:49

My kids usually send and actual thank you card. Could it be that?

They may well do that, I shall wait and see

OP posts:
Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 14:50

Maybe they're trying to send a message that they'd rather not bother with child(ren) gifts, but are scared/don't know how to actually say it?

14Q · 28/12/2023 14:50

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:43

Pointless? Surely saying thank you is the point?

I think it's both their jobs, she's both their child

I disagree. It's your brothers job. Honestly, does your husband send a thank you text to your family when they send a gift to one of your kids? Id be surprised but maybe that's what you do 💁🏻‍♀️

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2023 14:50

I also think they may want to consider what to say. I wouldn't say anything for a few weeks.

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:52

I disagree. It's your brothers job. Honestly, does your husband send a thank you text to your family when they send a gift to one of your kids? Id be surprised but maybe that's what you do 💁🏻‍♀️

Yeah he does, he'll send a text my my parents saying thanks for his gift and something like thanks for the boys' presents they've been playing all day or whatever.

Regardless, my brother should have said thank you, shouldn't he?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:52

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 14:50

Maybe they're trying to send a message that they'd rather not bother with child(ren) gifts, but are scared/don't know how to actually say it?

god then they should pull up their big boy/girl pants and use their bloody words.