Page 2 | To expect a thank you for a Christmas present?

chrisntmas · 2023-12-28T14:09:37+00:00

I saw my parents recently and sent all the presents down with them to give to our family in the south as we spent Christmas up north this year. I sent my brother a text on Christmas Day wishing them a happy Christmas, and let them know that our parents had my niece's present with them ready for when they met up (yesterday). My brother and sil didn't send any presents for my two sons, they didn't acknowledge my message saying my niece's present was waiting for her, and I haven't received a thank you text. Aibu to think this is slightly upsetting? I will add my sil has had a tremendously AWFUL few months and for that I have sympathetic, however they have been patchy at best about sending presents for birthdays and Christmas for years now so it's not just a one off. I don't want to get petty and stop sending my niece a present, but I don't feel it's wanted or appreciated?

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:52

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2023 14:50

I also think they may want to consider what to say. I wouldn't say anything for a few weeks.

Consider what?

I'm not going to bring it up with my brother, as I said.

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SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:53

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:46

whereas i and many others think it is INCREDIBLY rude not to thank someone who sends you a present. Regardless of if your parents sent one to them/their children.

@chrisntmas only you know if you should continue to send a gift to your brother's offspring. While i don't think gifts should be transactional, i am with the pp who said she's pleased when she doesn't get them because it means her SIL isn't doing the wifework.

how do you think the gift is received? is the child pleased? listless? rips the paper off and tosses it casually aside with barely a glance? could your parents give you the info? That would be what made me stop or carry on.

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You misunderstand me @Brefugee - I think a thank you card is the correct course, a text is perfunctory and of no value IMO.

But I wouldn't change my gift-giving to a child based on a parent's thank you behaviour.

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 28/12/2023 14:53

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:52

god then they should pull up their big boy/girl pants and use their bloody words.

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Clearly, a lot of folk don't like actual honest chats though.

FestiveFruitloop · 28/12/2023 14:54

14Q · 28/12/2023 14:47

It's always nice to get a thank you but I think it's petty and sour to be 'upset' by not getting one. I think it's really mean spirited to not want to send further presents because of it. It's not the kids fault.

Who are you actually upset with? It should only be your brother. You know what he is like so is it unusual for him not to say thank you?

What I would do is phone my brother and ask him if the niece liked the present, depending what he said, I might Josh him about not saying thank you. I might tell him I like to receive thank yous.

I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me.

If they don't send presents then why don't you just stop. If I were them and if I knew it was upsetting to you if I forgot to say thank you I wouldn't want any gifts tbh.

Sorry, your post is slightly incoherent but am I right that you're saying you don't always thank people for gifts?

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:54

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:43

Pointless? Surely saying thank you is the point?

I think it's both their jobs, she's both their child

A thank you card is nice, a thank you text is just lazy really.

I wouldn't however ever stop buying a gift for my niece because my brother didn't send a text.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/12/2023 14:55

What they like about present after they have played with it...

NeverneverNO12or3 · 28/12/2023 14:55

I have two siblings like this. I've decided to send a gift every birthday and Christmas to my dnephews because it's not their fault their parents have no manners. My dc (bit older than dns) understand they won't get a gift back but accept that we're doing a nice thing for their cousins. I also have come to the point that I don't expect any thanks, so nolonger get worked up about my siblings lack of manners.

LuckyCharmz · 28/12/2023 14:56

If they haven’t sent presents for two years, I’d take that as a sign they don’t want to exchange gifts. If you want to be sure, I’d wait til sept/ October and casually ask, are we exchanging gifts for the children this year?

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:56

NeverneverNO12or3 · 28/12/2023 14:55

I have two siblings like this. I've decided to send a gift every birthday and Christmas to my dnephews because it's not their fault their parents have no manners. My dc (bit older than dns) understand they won't get a gift back but accept that we're doing a nice thing for their cousins. I also have come to the point that I don't expect any thanks, so nolonger get worked up about my siblings lack of manners.

I agree with you on all of this, I'll probably follow this philosophy

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Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:56

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:53

You misunderstand me @Brefugee - I think a thank you card is the correct course, a text is perfunctory and of no value IMO.

But I wouldn't change my gift-giving to a child based on a parent's thank you behaviour.

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ah ok, sorry, misunderstood.

I think any kind of thank you is ok. Even an acknowledgement that it's been received is fine (from the recipient, not their parent). But no reaction? not even "it's been received" is really rude. And in my case would mean no more presents.

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:57

LuckyCharmz · 28/12/2023 14:56

If they haven’t sent presents for two years, I’d take that as a sign they don’t want to exchange gifts. If you want to be sure, I’d wait til sept/ October and casually ask, are we exchanging gifts for the children this year?

They send them some years and not others. I think I have said 'shall we not bother' in previous years actually. Its why I no longer send presents for the adults

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SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:57

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:56

ah ok, sorry, misunderstood.

I think any kind of thank you is ok. Even an acknowledgement that it's been received is fine (from the recipient, not their parent). But no reaction? not even "it's been received" is really rude. And in my case would mean no more presents.

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I was taught as a youngster not to punish the child for the sins of the father (or mother).

Brefugee · 28/12/2023 14:58

i think you've identified the "wifework" years though. Just knock it on the head. Maybe your brother will complain and you can let him have it with both barrels!

mumsytoon · 28/12/2023 15:00

Maybe they just don't want to do the gift thing. You say it's a few years now, so get the hint. Stop sending it if it bothers you so much as it clearly doesn't bother them. It is rude, but maybe it's time for you to stop?

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:01

mumsytoon · 28/12/2023 15:00

Maybe they just don't want to do the gift thing. You say it's a few years now, so get the hint. Stop sending it if it bothers you so much as it clearly doesn't bother them. It is rude, but maybe it's time for you to stop?

Maybe it is. So miserable

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14Q · 28/12/2023 15:03

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:52

I disagree. It's your brothers job. Honestly, does your husband send a thank you text to your family when they send a gift to one of your kids? Id be surprised but maybe that's what you do 💁🏻‍♀️

Yeah he does, he'll send a text my my parents saying thanks for his gift and something like thanks for the boys' presents they've been playing all day or whatever.

Regardless, my brother should have said thank you, shouldn't he?

I'm not surprised he says thank you for a present that he has been given and tags on a thank you for a present given to your kids but that wasn't my question.

In the same circumstances would he ever message one of you family, your brother for example, to say thank you for a present given to your kids? If so then fair play but I think that would be unusual.

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:05

@14Q Ok no maybe he wouldn't

Doesn't stop me thinking my brother is rude though.

And I text my husbands family thanking them for gifts for my children.

Is sending a text really so bloody arduous that one can't be expected? Really?

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SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 15:08

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:05

@14Q Ok no maybe he wouldn't

Doesn't stop me thinking my brother is rude though.

And I text my husbands family thanking them for gifts for my children.

Is sending a text really so bloody arduous that one can't be expected? Really?

I've asked a few times and you have not answered - do you want to punish your brother or your niece?

Stopping sending the gift punishes your niece.

Why not just tell your brother you think he is rude and continue sending the gifts.

GoatsareGOAT · 28/12/2023 15:10

My children have gifts from relatives & I/DH haven't texted to thank them as our children always write thank you cards - they go in the post before New Year (barring endless colds/covid/flu).

However it sounds like this is all caught up in a more general frustration for you - if thank you cards from the children arrived in the new year would you actually feel better about the situation?

ChristmasAgainWTAF · 28/12/2023 15:11

YANBU, it takes seconds to send a quick thank you message. I have been to hell and back this year, a bereavement of a very close family member to top it all off. Me and dh have young DCs and no support, yet still manage to say thank you, it really isn't hard. I don't know how old your niece is, but my 6 year old writes thank you cards.

Personally if they have been doing it for years and aren't appreciative you have two choices:

Continue to send gifts because you don't want your niece to miss out, accepting you probably won't get a thank you or anything in return for your own DCs.

Stop gifting altogether unapologetically because it isn't worth the second guessing afterwards.

14Q · 28/12/2023 15:12

@FestiveFruitloop
14Q
It's always nice to get a thank you but I think it's petty and sour to be 'upset' by not getting one. I think it's really mean spirited to not want to send further presents because of it. It's not the kids fault

Who are you actually upset with? It should only be your brother. You know what he is like so is it unusual for him not to say thank you?

What I would do is phone my brother and ask him if the niece liked the present, depending what he said, I might Josh him about not saying thank you. I might tell him I like to receive thank yous

I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me

If they don't send presents then why don't you just stop. If I were them and if I knew it was upsetting to you if I forgot to say thank you I wouldn't want any gifts tbh

Sorry, your post is slightly incoherent but am I right that you're saying you don't always thank people for

You are wrong (as well as a little snide. 🫤). I always say thank you and I've always got my kids to say thank you for gifts from my family and from friends. I wouldn't have gone out my way to get them to say thank yous to my husbands family. That would be up to him.

My kids are adults now and have always been extremely polite as have I.

I like it when other people say thank you for gifts but i can't get that bothered by it. People are busy and can forget. It certainly doesnt upset me.

Motheranddaughter · 28/12/2023 15:13

Thank you letters done on 27/12 in this house
I give presents to my nieces and nephews some send thank you letters /some phone or text some don’t bother 🤷‍♀️
I do my side of the family ,DH does his

14Q · 28/12/2023 15:17

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:05

@14Q Ok no maybe he wouldn't

Doesn't stop me thinking my brother is rude though.

And I text my husbands family thanking them for gifts for my children.

Is sending a text really so bloody arduous that one can't be expected? Really?

Well there you go, why are you expecting your SIL to send a text when you've admitted your husband wouldn't in the same circumstances.

I agree that your brother should have got the kids to say thank you or he should have said thank you on their behalf. Obviously he should. Where I differ from you is that I wouldn't be that fussed if they didn't and that I definitely wouldn't find it upsetting. Also, it wouldn't cross my mind to stop sending a child a present just because her parents didn't say thank you.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 15:21

No, texting a thank you isn't arduous! So obviously they are rude or don't want gifts. I would go with the latter and stop sending gifts. I can't understand why this is so hard for you....unless it is because you are seeking appreciation, acknowledgement....what?

Original poster

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:22

However it sounds like this is all caught up in a more general frustration for you - if thank you cards from the children arrived in the new year would you actually feel better about the situation?

Yes I think I would.

I would still be annoyed with my brother though, if I received a thank you card that would definitely be organised through my sil.

I'm upset that my brother literally can't be arsed to text his sister a quick thanks (which is part of a wider frustration)

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