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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you for a Christmas present?

86 replies

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:09

I saw my parents recently and sent all the presents down with them to give to our family in the south as we spent Christmas up north this year.

I sent my brother a text on Christmas Day wishing them a happy Christmas, and let them know that our parents had my niece's present with them ready for when they met up (yesterday).

My brother and sil didn't send any presents for my two sons, they didn't acknowledge my message saying my niece's present was waiting for her, and I haven't received a thank you text.

Aibu to think this is slightly upsetting?

I will add my sil has had a tremendously AWFUL few months and for that I have sympathetic, however they have been patchy at best about sending presents for birthdays and Christmas for years now so it's not just a one off.

I don't want to get petty and stop sending my niece a present, but I don't feel it's wanted or appreciated?

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:23

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 15:21

No, texting a thank you isn't arduous! So obviously they are rude or don't want gifts. I would go with the latter and stop sending gifts. I can't understand why this is so hard for you....unless it is because you are seeking appreciation, acknowledgement....what?

I'm seeking a continued relationship with my brother of which gift giving is part of in our family etc

OP posts:
RandomUsernameHere · 28/12/2023 15:28

Maybe they have put a thank you note from your niece in the post and it hasn't arrived yet, but if you don't hear anything soon then your brother is rude. I would stop with the presents. They're probably trying to "break the cycle" anyway by not giving your DC anything.

Disturbia81 · 28/12/2023 15:31

Sadly not everyone is the same. I agree manners cost nothing, a quick text takes seconds. But when you stop expecting things from people who have never given them, then you will be happier.
I used to see my mum go mad every year when dad didn't get her something for anniversary etc, he had never got her anything so he's not going to change. It was such a pointless stress for her.

14Q · 28/12/2023 15:33

OP, why don't you give your brother a quick call? He genuinely might not realise that you would like a thank you? No need to be confrontational, just talk to him. It might be that they don't want to get gifts.

squashi · 28/12/2023 15:37

Some of my family are rubbish at acknowledging or saying thank you for gifts unless you give them face to face. I kind of accept it, but make sure I don't put too much effort into the choosing. That's if they're for children. If I got gifts for adults and they didn't acknowledge them, I'd stop.

Holly60 · 28/12/2023 15:59

I'm seeking a continued relationship with my brother of which gift giving is part of in our family etc

I actually think this is the crux of the matter. Why don't you think about a way you can chat to him in the new year and foster a closer relationship from there?

It could be something you decide address in a positive way to improve your year

GoatsareGOAT · 28/12/2023 16:29

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 15:22

However it sounds like this is all caught up in a more general frustration for you - if thank you cards from the children arrived in the new year would you actually feel better about the situation?

Yes I think I would.

I would still be annoyed with my brother though, if I received a thank you card that would definitely be organised through my sil.

I'm upset that my brother literally can't be arsed to text his sister a quick thanks (which is part of a wider frustration)

It sounds like you perceive the gift giving to his children as a way to create/maintain a relationship with your brother. It's very possible he desperately wants a relationship with you but just doesn't see your gifts in that way.

(I see gifts from my relatives to my children as between the relative & my child. My gifts to my best friend's children are about maintaining a relationship with her children who I adore - it's not a reflection on our own relationship. Not suggesting that this is wrong or right just that people have different ideas!)

I think you need to talk to him & explain how you feel.

43ontherocksporfavor · 28/12/2023 16:31

It’s only been a few days.

bellsbuss · 28/12/2023 16:34

My children haven't even opened all their presents yet , we send thank you cards in the new year

Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 16:45

I think you need to talk to him & explain how you feel.

I probably do, I have done a few times in the past and nothings changed so I really don't want to have to say again.

OP posts:
Original poster
chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 16:45

bellsbuss · 28/12/2023 16:34

My children haven't even opened all their presents yet , we send thank you cards in the new year

I know the gift has been received and opened

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 28/12/2023 16:53

Its been a few days, there's time yet!

quietlyplease · 28/12/2023 16:54

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:09

I saw my parents recently and sent all the presents down with them to give to our family in the south as we spent Christmas up north this year.

I sent my brother a text on Christmas Day wishing them a happy Christmas, and let them know that our parents had my niece's present with them ready for when they met up (yesterday).

My brother and sil didn't send any presents for my two sons, they didn't acknowledge my message saying my niece's present was waiting for her, and I haven't received a thank you text.

Aibu to think this is slightly upsetting?

I will add my sil has had a tremendously AWFUL few months and for that I have sympathetic, however they have been patchy at best about sending presents for birthdays and Christmas for years now so it's not just a one off.

I don't want to get petty and stop sending my niece a present, but I don't feel it's wanted or appreciated?

YABU for including your sister in law in this it's your brother's job. If he's useless blame him.

whatthehelldowecare · 28/12/2023 17:02

This honestly drives me mad. I don't give gifts with an expectation of a thank you. I'd say thank you when receiving them, but possibly wouldn't if they were passed on via a third party on the busiest day of the year. I wouldn't bat an eye at not going a thank you in similar situations.

My SIL on the other hand expects me to thank the whole bloody family individually and directly for any present they give and I'd honestly prefer they didn't get me anything if that was the expectation

BalletBob · 28/12/2023 17:03

SutWytTi · 28/12/2023 14:54

A thank you card is nice, a thank you text is just lazy really.

I wouldn't however ever stop buying a gift for my niece because my brother didn't send a text.

Show quote history

So you need the effort and expense of someone going to the shop, buying thank you cards, writing them, buying stamps, going out again to post them, in order to feel that you've been sufficiently "thanked"? As opposed to the same exact words being written in a text message?

It's all very silly. I don't really bother with Christmas cards much these days due to cost and environmental reasons. I definitely don't bother with thank you cards. If people want to play these silly mind games and make believe that there's more "thanks" in a card than a text, that's up to them 🤷 Haven't really got the time or inclination to pander to silliness.

2024betterBebetter · 28/12/2023 17:05

I’ve got a relative in a strop with me at the moment because I took a day longer than they expected to send a thank you text for my DCs gift. I honestly wish they hadn’t bothered now because the stress from their attitude just wasn’t worth it.
We are still in the Christmas period, it’s too early for worrying you haven’t had a thanks. If they send a thank you card instead you are unlikely to receive that until the New Year.

BalletBob · 28/12/2023 17:07

starfishmummy · 28/12/2023 16:53

Its been a few days, there's time yet!

This. It's been a few days. Relax.

GoatsareGOAT · 28/12/2023 18:02

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 16:45

I think you need to talk to him & explain how you feel.

I probably do, I have done a few times in the past and nothings changed so I really don't want to have to say again.

Ahh, I'm sorry. I hope you can find a way to either create the relationship you would like or make peace with the one you have 💐

XelaM · 28/12/2023 18:29

2024betterBebetter · 28/12/2023 17:05

I’ve got a relative in a strop with me at the moment because I took a day longer than they expected to send a thank you text for my DCs gift. I honestly wish they hadn’t bothered now because the stress from their attitude just wasn’t worth it.
We are still in the Christmas period, it’s too early for worrying you haven’t had a thanks. If they send a thank you card instead you are unlikely to receive that until the New Year.

It literally takes 30 seconds to send a text. It's very rude to ignore someone's gift and not send a quick thanks.

As I said upthread, I am very offended by my daughter's riding instructor who completely ignored a very thoughtful gift (but has sent many texts since about fee increases 🤨). I find it extremely rude and will certainly not bother next year (if we even stay at the yard).

FestiveFruitloop · 28/12/2023 19:17

whatthehelldowecare · 28/12/2023 17:02

This honestly drives me mad. I don't give gifts with an expectation of a thank you. I'd say thank you when receiving them, but possibly wouldn't if they were passed on via a third party on the busiest day of the year. I wouldn't bat an eye at not going a thank you in similar situations.

My SIL on the other hand expects me to thank the whole bloody family individually and directly for any present they give and I'd honestly prefer they didn't get me anything if that was the expectation

It's hardly an arduous task.

Coolhwip · 28/12/2023 19:22

chrisntmas · 28/12/2023 14:29

Maybe, I just don't want to stop sending stuff because I feel like it's a nice thing to do. But maybe it would stop me feeling like this in the future

Show quote history

I would definitely stop sending presents. They have shown they’re not interested.

If you really want to do something, just give a card with a £1.50 selection box for each child, that’s plenty.

Lovetotravel123 · 28/12/2023 19:27

I agree with you. It’s not difficult to take a few moments to send a text. I don’t know what the answer is though.

C152 · 28/12/2023 19:30

Your brother should have said thank you for the present; but surely you sent the gift because you knew it would make your niece happy? I don't think you should stop giving her presents because her dad can't be bothered to say thank you. (I would also cut the parents some slack based on the whatever difficulties they've been going through lately.)

FestiveFruitloop · 28/12/2023 19:32

14Q · 28/12/2023 15:12

@FestiveFruitloop
14Q
It's always nice to get a thank you but I think it's petty and sour to be 'upset' by not getting one. I think it's really mean spirited to not want to send further presents because of it. It's not the kids fault

Who are you actually upset with? It should only be your brother. You know what he is like so is it unusual for him not to say thank you?

What I would do is phone my brother and ask him if the niece liked the present, depending what he said, I might Josh him about not saying thank you. I might tell him I like to receive thank yous

I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me

If they don't send presents then why don't you just stop. If I were them and if I knew it was upsetting to you if I forgot to say thank you I wouldn't want any gifts tbh

Sorry, your post is slightly incoherent but am I right that you're saying you don't always thank people for

You are wrong (as well as a little snide. 🫤). I always say thank you and I've always got my kids to say thank you for gifts from my family and from friends. I wouldn't have gone out my way to get them to say thank yous to my husbands family. That would be up to him.

My kids are adults now and have always been extremely polite as have I.

I like it when other people say thank you for gifts but i can't get that bothered by it. People are busy and can forget. It certainly doesnt upset me.

This was the bit that I read as you saying you don't always say thank you: I don't do presents or thank you's for my husbands family unless the present was for me - this suggests that you don't say thanks on your DC's behalf for presents that come from your DH's side? That just seems odd to me, unless your DC are adults.

stargirl1701 · 28/12/2023 19:40

I don't give gifts to children for any reason than I wish to give them. No thank you needed. I give because it is pleasurable to do so.