Everyone does that…

[RetroFitter]

I have been struggling with my identity for a while now, and think I may have undiagnosed ADHD. My DC has ADHD and ASD, although I had inklings something was ‘off’ with me my whole life.

The issue is, whenever I talk to anyone about this they tell me that ‘everyone does that’, ‘that’s normal’, ‘that’s not ADHD, that’s just being forgetful’, ‘you just need to be more organised.’

So my AIBU or question is, do you do the below?

• Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards).
• Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated.
• Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently.
• Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.
• Always late.
• Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there.
• Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to.
• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).
• Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.
• Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising.
• Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!)
• Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school.

The above traits have been present throughout my whole life.

However, in saying that, I do run a successful business from my home that does require organisation. I feel as though this is successful because it is on my terms, if that makes sense? I can book in all appointments, times and set dedicated times to answering messages or emails. I also know that if I’m not organised, or I don’t reply to messages, I will not be paid which would have a catastrophic impact on my life and I’d be letting people down. But I can’t translate this skill to say - not being late to meet a friend for lunch - because it doesn’t have the same catastrophic impact. I also achieved straight A*s / first degree, despite rarely turning in homework and often truanting, as I have the ability to self-teach from the internet and text books and ‘pull it out of the bag’ when it comes to exams.

So, is everyone like this, or is there something more going on potentially?

Sounds a lot like ADHD!

I have ADHD, diagnosed in adulthood. I have almost all the traits you describe, and a few others not on your list (but which you would probably recognise).

I have also encountered the same attitude from people, that ‘everyone does that’. Often they’re thinking of the once or twice a week they forget something or can’t focus and assuming it’s the same, with no recognition of the constant, debilitating effect of ADHD.

I would encourage you to pursue a diagnosis via your GP. It’s a long process and was quite stressful but it has helped me enormously to 1) truly understand that I’m not a lazy, selfish person, I’m actually neurodiverse and 2) to access medicinal and therapeutic remedies which have improved my life enormously.

I can relate to everything bar one on your list so, no, you're not unique.

Might be stress or more likely procrastination. You've proved you can do things when it's something you class as being important, like your business, but if it's meeting a friend then you obviously don't value their time enough, or class them as important enough for you to turn up on time. Almost certainly not ADHD.

It could be ADHD (DH is diagnosed and has similar behaviours) or it could just be general disorganisation.

I also think it's quite telling that you can do it when it matters to you (ie. for your business) but not on other occasions.

DH's ADHD impacts his working life just as much as his personal life. It's not something he can turn on and off depending on the situation.

Being able to focus and achieve success when there is a particular interest or a powerful external motivator, but struggling where there isn’t the same extrinsic motivation is, in fact, a textbook ADHD symptom.

Jfc, that's just called being motivated. Or disciplined.

It’s almost like ADHD is a disability which specifically interferes with the parts of an individual’s brain which deal with discipline and motivation 🤔

So many ADHD diagnoses are actually Complex- PTSD as a lot of the symptoms overlap.

I have most of your issues but have Complex-PTSD.

Do you have a history of trauma? Bad childhood?

I don't understand the sudden need for everyone to have an 'identity'. Surely you just are who you are.

If you want to get diagnosed to recieve help, then do that. Why does having ADHD have to be your identity?

It could well be.

If you think w diagnoses would be helpful get one via your GP

My mother also revealed recently that family members / friends / teachers had made noises about ADHD when I was a child, but she’d put it down to being spirited, marching to the beat of my own drum and being an active child. She’s also a big proponent of ‘everyone does that’ when I mention it to her.

Do you suffer with migraines i do and alot on your list is me.
Yesterday i could not think of the word bread flour it was in front of me my brain just could not read so i called it bread powder.

What you've described correlates with my experience of ADHD. Many NT People do experience those things too but not at anywhere the name frequency or to the same level. You mentioned these have been true your whole life - that's another factor. Sometimes people experience these symptoms overwhelmingly but they come on at a point in time as a result of burnout or trauma.

Def worth pursuing a diagnosis.

Why would it help to have a label on it? I'm a bit like you but I just think right that's who I am, find it excruciatingly frustrating quite often but not sure being diagnosed with anything would achieve much tbh

It’s worth remembering that there is a genetic component to ADHD. Often parents who are told their child might have ADHD think ‘well I do those things too so it can’t be ADHD’ when, in fact, they also have it…

But I think also parents sometimes don’t want to face up to the reality. My own mother was very resistant to me pursuing diagnosis and it took her a long time to accept it (though she does now). In her case it’s because she feels regret that throughout my childhood I was constantly labelled disorganised, messy, distracted, lazy, ditty etc. and was blamed instead of offered support. She feels she let me down.

For what it’s worth, I don’t blame her. We’re much better at identifying ADHD in girls and women now than we were when I was a child, and I don’t think it’s her fault that it wasn’t addressed then. We have both, however, had to come to terms with how different things might have been if I hadn’t been labelled so negatively when I was so badly in need of help.

This is where the problem lies - I do a lot of what you mention. I have ND diagnosed but none that cross over to ADHD.

ADHD symptoms do seem to have a 'horoscope' issue - in that they are broad and vague enough that people can correlate. I feel this does people with ADHD a great disservice because it lends its self to self diagnosis and it being dismissed ,as mentioned up thread, as a tiktok fashionable trend.

Example: A post I saw yesterday - 'put a finger down if you' ADHD version - it listed forgetfulness, disorganisation, being late, procrastination and so on. What it didn't do was offer up any depth to these traits and the uninformed would have put several fingers down or just go codswallop 'everyone has these so ADHD has just got to be bunkus' (and actual quote from a family member who saw the reel' . Neither being helpful.

In my case the ‘label’ was helpful in two major ways.

1. it is a much better label than all the others I was given as a child by family and teachers (lazy, disorganised, unmotivated, thoughtless…).

2. it allowed me to access medication and therapy which has been life changing.

I mean I do all those things too. So yeah it’s not just you. Maybe I have ADHD 🤷🏻‍♀️ I suspect DS does but school are not concerned. It’s just part of being human. Unless it’s a real problem then I’m not sure what a diagnosis will do (eg DS is doing really well at school, you’re running a successful business by the sounds of it?). I dunno!

I think a lot of those are fairly normal, I can definitely relate to a large number and have never had any concerns that I might have a condition. The ones that are not like me are those about being late, my trouble is I am always early, but I worry so much about being delayed that I end up over preparing and being late. I think you are just fine OP.

Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards) can range from many times a day to once a week
Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated. Getting better with time and sertraline
Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently. Oh yes
Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.
Always late. I have a new rule of do everything an hour before. If I don't get there half hour early it does tits up and I panic
Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there. Many times a day
Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to. Absolutely
Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music). Hard to listen to someone if background or two people talking.
Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.Much of the time yes. Usually get stand up jokes, maybe my DH isn't funny?
Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising. Yes.
Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!) Yes
Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school. Not so much so but my attention span is appalling. Self employed also.

I don't know if I'm ADHD but I struggle with eye contact. Never diagnosed but I suspect I may be. Sometimes I have "bad days" where I've lost a handbag, an individual cash card (they get put in pockets or dropped). Car keys lost in playground more than once. Mental blocks.

It does sound like adhd, but equally it's also like lots of people, but in my mind, that's because loads and loads of people have got undiagnosed adhd. Just because loads of people do experience these issues, doesn't mean you don't all have adhd. You probably all do. And that's fine.

This.

A couple of people on this thread seem to mistakenly think it's some kind of 'gotcha' that op can sometimes do it or sometimes not. That's actually classic adhd. If you 'have' to do it, ie for money, your brain is able to release the motivation hormone (whatever it's called) to do it. If you don't 'have' to do it, that chemical isn't released.