Everyone does that…

[RetroFitter]

I have been struggling with my identity for a while now, and think I may have undiagnosed ADHD. My DC has ADHD and ASD, although I had inklings something was ‘off’ with me my whole life.

The issue is, whenever I talk to anyone about this they tell me that ‘everyone does that’, ‘that’s normal’, ‘that’s not ADHD, that’s just being forgetful’, ‘you just need to be more organised.’

So my AIBU or question is, do you do the below?

• Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards).
• Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated.
• Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently.
• Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.
• Always late.
• Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there.
• Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to.
• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).
• Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.
• Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising.
• Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!)
• Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school.

The above traits have been present throughout my whole life.

However, in saying that, I do run a successful business from my home that does require organisation. I feel as though this is successful because it is on my terms, if that makes sense? I can book in all appointments, times and set dedicated times to answering messages or emails. I also know that if I’m not organised, or I don’t reply to messages, I will not be paid which would have a catastrophic impact on my life and I’d be letting people down. But I can’t translate this skill to say - not being late to meet a friend for lunch - because it doesn’t have the same catastrophic impact. I also achieved straight A*s / first degree, despite rarely turning in homework and often truanting, as I have the ability to self-teach from the internet and text books and ‘pull it out of the bag’ when it comes to exams.

So, is everyone like this, or is there something more going on potentially?

I am diagnosed adhd, and yeah it sounds like it's worth you exploring this further.

Everyone can be a bit like this, true. But if it's affecting your life every day, and it's been going on since childhood then you may have adhd. Women are chronically underdiagnosed because we learn to mask, and to cope.

The only people who have ever said to me "but isn't everyone like that" are people that i strongly suspect are undiagnosed themselves.

As for the label thing, i was able to replace a lot of other negative labels i had with "ADHD". Having this new label for myself has changed my whole outlook.

Might be stress or more likely procrastination. You've proved you can do things when it's something you class as being important, like your business, but if it's meeting a friend then you obviously don't value their time enough, or class them as important enough for you to turn up on time. Almost certainly not ADHD.

These are classic hallmarks of adhd actually.

Look it up.

Are you my daughter lol!
She has ADHD ( undiagnosed but I've worked with children with it for years and she tucks every single box!)
One or two of your symptoms would be 'normal' behaviour. When you put them all together, it points to something bigger! My daughter is everything you are!

I also can identify with many of those traits.

Can relate to things at different times so I just think you need to focus on trying to organise your self better as you seem very self aware of your problems so should be able to try to implement small changes to try and help you more

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 50s after huge problems at work with executive processing. I already had 3 DC dx - one with ADHD, one with ADHD and ASD, and one with ASD.

AS I also suffer from imposter syndrome I was sure they'd only given me the diagnosis as after years of managing the DCs I knew what the answers were. First day on meds I knew for sure I had ADHD; the noise in my head just stopped. I was asking random people - is this how normal people feel? No wonder I can never do anything and everyone else just gets on, if they don't have to contend with the constant ON ness of their brain.

I can relate to lots on your list but I also know many others who can relate to lots on your list.
We don't have diagnoses . I feel sure, today, that all of us , family and friends , would qualify for a diagnosis.

We're all just pootling along.

Maybe we're all wrong?

This was similar to my experience. I finally understood how it was possible to just sit down, start a task and see it through to completion, something that had been absolutely alien to me previously unless I had the pressure of a very close deadline.

ADHD can be medicated.
ADHD specific nutrition and supplements.
A legal right to reasonable adjustments at work.
Access to specialist support and information to help understand oneself and develop targeted support mechanisms.
To not feel so shit about yourself from constant criticism.

Apologies if this has been answered already.

No that's not true, ADHD can be medicated.

I can relate to most of the things on your list and thought it was quite normal for a stressed out mum to experience. I don’t have ADHD as far as I’m aware

It's been answered many times, but you've put it very succinctly, thank you. I waffled a lot when I tried to explain it.

Unfortunately, some folk will still continue to question it with fake innocence and curiosity.

@RainbowZebraWarrior I would to suggest a very simple test.

On average, how many steps does it take to make and drink a cup of tea?

It should be: boil kettle, put teabag in mug, pour hot water over teabag, steep, remove teabag, add milk, carry to destination, drink tea. 8

My average would be over twenty. Boil kettle (get distracted) reboil 3 times, rummage in dishwasher for the right mug, clean the mug, decide this is too much hassle, find different right mug. Teabag in mug. Find another mug with a teabag already in it from yesterday's tea attempt. Pour hot water over teabag. Leave to steep. Get distracted, return one hour later to cold slimy tea. Return to start.

And on and on, I reckon 2/3 of the teabags I buy never get to become a drinkable cup of tea.

A "tea test" should be simple and definitive.

@Daftasabroom

are there any other tests like this that you know of?

Was this meant for the previous poster to me? I don't understand why I'm being recommended a test.

Apologies. It was a poor attempt at humour, but also a relatively trivial example of how ADHD can affect people.

My attention deficit in full flow, there. Totally get you, now. 😁

Doing it when something matters to you is classic ADHD. It carries the dophamine hit to motivate. Clearly her business is somewhere she is motivated by the task.

It assisted my depression and self esteem as it answered a lot of questions and reduced the disgust and hatred i had towards myself for being so shit at stuff.
It also allowed me to get therapy and if i had wanted it, drugs.

The only way to know would be to have a professional assessment. You could start by asking your GP the best way to go about that.

Yes I can relate to everything on your list but I don't have adhd afaik

They all sound like ADHD symptoms (although inability to get jokes sounds more ASD to me) Everyone will have these/some of these the difference is to what extent if affects your life. The fact that your child has ADHD makes it likely you might have also.

I strongly suspect I have adhd- possibly AuADHD although I only show social symptoms of autism not really any others and that can go along with ADHD.

It runs in my family, I suspected it long before tiktok, the stumbling block for me is that I'm not and never have been hyper (except excessive talking and a mind that never stops) and i'd only heard of the hyper type. When I discovered inattentive adhd it was a lightbulb moment, I have old school reports that are like tickboxes for ADHD symptoms.

The fact that you can function for work and not other times is consistent. I know I function ok in work but I live in chaos to the point that it's affecting my family and I need to speak to someone about it but it's a difficult thing to speak to a doctor about when it is tiktok trendy.

I think there could also be a key test, perhaps a ratio of key losses to number of actual journeys?

@Daftasabroom

ive solved that issue, but it was only an occasional thing.

I’m autistic. I don’t know if I also have ADHD although I can relate to a lot of what you said in the OP, but then autistic people can have executive functioning issues too without ADHD. I just wanted to answer why people get diagnosed rather than just coping.

Often people get to a point by just coping and then the demands of their life exceed their coping mechanisms. This happened to me after the birth of my second child and I just couldn’t keep all the balls in the air, I kept dropping out of work projects, couldn’t keep up with my house, was snapping at people all the time and felt like a total failure. The relief it is to have an answer to why I kept dropping jobs, snapping, the state of my house has been enormous. Or just those terrible interactions that have haunted me for years. I see myself as a whole person now not a failure and I have a lot more self kindness and understanding. I’ve also been able to put in place things which help me to cope better, informed by my diagnosis.

It used to get to the middle of the day with my kids and the room would start spinning because I was so overstimulated. I was running on adrenaline the whole time. Now if I start to feel a bit stressed I put my ear plugs in - I can still hear my kids but it’s not as loud. If I need a bit of extra help I put the tv on for them and go and sit under my weighted blanket for ten minutes. It’s like night and day, suddenly I can be the mum I want to be. I tidy first thing in the morning because I know that by dinner time I can’t mentally comprehend how to sort a mess out. I’m also retraining to a career that doesn’t demand constant social interaction and have drastically reduced the current amount of that I have to do so that I’m not too exhausted to interact when I get home. I’ve been able to ask for adjustments at work to help me cope better (it helps that I work in disability services anyway). I wouldn’t have done any of this stuff if I didn’t know I was autistic.