Everyone does that…

[RetroFitter]

I have been struggling with my identity for a while now, and think I may have undiagnosed ADHD. My DC has ADHD and ASD, although I had inklings something was ‘off’ with me my whole life.

The issue is, whenever I talk to anyone about this they tell me that ‘everyone does that’, ‘that’s normal’, ‘that’s not ADHD, that’s just being forgetful’, ‘you just need to be more organised.’

So my AIBU or question is, do you do the below?

• Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards).
• Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated.
• Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently.
• Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.
• Always late.
• Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there.
• Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to.
• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).
• Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.
• Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising.
• Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!)
• Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school.

The above traits have been present throughout my whole life.

However, in saying that, I do run a successful business from my home that does require organisation. I feel as though this is successful because it is on my terms, if that makes sense? I can book in all appointments, times and set dedicated times to answering messages or emails. I also know that if I’m not organised, or I don’t reply to messages, I will not be paid which would have a catastrophic impact on my life and I’d be letting people down. But I can’t translate this skill to say - not being late to meet a friend for lunch - because it doesn’t have the same catastrophic impact. I also achieved straight A*s / first degree, despite rarely turning in homework and often truanting, as I have the ability to self-teach from the internet and text books and ‘pull it out of the bag’ when it comes to exams.

So, is everyone like this, or is there something more going on potentially?

@ILikeItWhatIsIt it sounds like you don't know anything about ADHD.

I certainly know what it did for me. It gave me access to life changing medication and therapy. It healed decades-old wounds caused by a lifetime of being told I was lazy and thoughtless by helping me understand I’m neither of those things - I’m neurodiverse. It introduced me to a huge online community of other women with ADHD who have shown me techniques and strategies for overcoming some of the debilitating consequences of my condition. It has given me accommodations at work which have significantly reduced the intense workplace stress I used to experience.

I’m curious why so many people assume that a diagnosis will change nothing. It changed everything for me. I am so much happier and healthier. I am a better mother, wife, friend, family member, employee. People make sneering comments like ‘why do you need a label?’ without recognising that people with undiagnosed ADHD are already labelled with incredibly damaging labels which don’t recognise the reality of their condition.

What’s your “identity” got to do with whether or not you have ADHD?

When did everyone have to have a fucking identity? Maybe just have a personality like everyone else.

• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).

I have such a problem with this. Multiple voices in one space & I hear all the bloody conversations & I can't concentrate. But anything that's constant is deafening & overwhelming, I can't hear anything - I work on my own in a kitchen & when the fans are on it's like white noise, it's all I can hear. Occasionally DH helps me out & the combination of his mumbling & the fans makes me crazy, he genuinely doesn't get that I just cannot hear him unless he's close to me. When I turn the fans off at the end of the night it's physical relief, like taking off painful shoes or bra that's too tight.

No diagnosis here but ND AF, so are two of my 3 kids (curiously the two that are the spit of me but not the one that's the spit of DH). I'd not list all my quirks cos it just feels a bit indulgent, I'm 45 & it makes no odds to me now at all. Generally it's not an issue though the fact I've only just found a way to identify my twin neices (It was like my brain decided I wouldn't be able to do it & shut that door completely) at 7 infuriated me. Thankfully my family know me & know it's not deliberate. Even this weekend I shouted 'twin' at one of them, to get their attention, cos they were turned away from me & I couldn't see the side their hair parts.

DH has always (lovingly!) said things like 'you're being autistic again' & it's only been the last few years I've realised he was serious.

I’m menopausal and apart from always being late, I experience all of those. Every day. I do not have ADHD.

Only when I’m stressed and overwhelmed.

Yes it sounds like ADHD (inattentive). I’m diagnosed with ASD but I have inattentive ADHD too.

What I would say is that you’ve done really well finding a way to manage it. The thing is, humans are living this strange life with this huge mental load. I don’t think hunter gatherers would ever have had the need for such a good working memory. We have other abilities that at one time would have been useful, such as focus, a great memory for certain things and sensory sensitivities that would have detected danger. We’re only disabled because of the way we have to live these days.

The reason we can get things done when needed is because we intensely focus on that one thing until it’s done. Everything else is forgotten. Obviously that’s not sustainable.

I manage my adhd with index cards and check lists as well as a diary. There’s a book called Sidetracked Home Executives (written in the 80’s) that you may find helpful. I’ve been using this system in a simplified form for years. I’m very unsuccessful work wise but I’m very organised with housework and self care.

I was about to post the same. OP, do you want help to change? Do these things wreck your life? I could say yes to most of your list, although I always knew when my DH was joking, although many didn't, and people sometimes don't get my jokes to the extent that I ask myself "will they understand" before I make a joke. I too have been "beat of my own drum" since a child. I wouldn't say that ADHD doesn't exist but I think that more and more now we are moving to a society where character traits are not immediately seen as a problem that needs "diagnosing and fixing" unless they affect the person's function to a point where its disabling, distressing or dangerous. So my question to you is what would you like to happen?

I don't understand the sudden need for everyone to have an 'identity'.
I think you can’t know unless it happens to you- I can identify with everything op says and would add I spend most of my life thinking I’m a bit of a waste of space, why do other people seem to be getting this straight away, replaying things I do over and over. I would kill to be able to let people know that I have a reason for finding so many things difficult.

ClottedCreamScone
Thank you thank you for your post- I adore my mum but when I went to her and said I was considering an assessment for autism and adhd she talked me out of it. My brother was diagnosed with both and another relative diagnosed with autism and she was visibly hurt that I wanted to throw my hat into the ring. I now look at her and know it’s because she’s putting together everything and realising both her and her brother are right there with me, confused people trying like hell to navigate the things other people can tick off as things they don’t have to think about. I love that you don’t blame your mum either x

I think you can’t know unless it happens to you

Who says that it hasn’t happened to me? I’ve had various labels attached to me over the years but it doesn’t make any difference. I’m just me. They certainly are not my “identity”.

The OP seems to be conflating a condition with an identity when they are two entirely different things.

Sounds like ADHD to me. I have it and I struggle with all these things.

They aren’t necessarily as distinct as that for everyone. ADHD isn’t just a condition for me, it’s a huge part of my identity. It’s not really clear to me how I could begin to separate ‘who I am’ from ADHD. It’s a completely intrinsic part of everything I think and do.

I don't spend much time thinking about 'who I am', I have adult diagnosed ADHD but I certainly don't go round talking about it as an identity. I find this obsession with identities bizarre and really narcissistic tbh.

People throw the word ‘narcissistic’ around like confetti these days. Seems like it’s just shorthand for ‘anything I don’t like or disagree with’.

Its absolutely fine if you’re not introspective or if you see your ADHD as something quite distinct from your sense of self. That doesn’t mean anyone who experiences it differently is bizarre or narcissistic.

If so many people are now being diagnosed with adhd and autism, then surely being nd is actually the norm, so when people say 'everyone's like that', maybe they're right. Most people I know easily have traits of adhd, add, autism or a combination. I know fewer without any.

I strongly suspect ds is autistic, with add, but since his referral 6 months ago, nothing has happened. His difficulties are social rather than academic, so I'm not entirely sure what difference a dx will make to him. Likewise, if I were to pursue an adhd dx for myself. I've coped so far, so what's the point? I'm in my 40s. I've done the hard bits and developed strategies:
Lists, lists and lists.
Alarms and reminders.
Worry.
Giving myself permission to worry or to procrastinate.
Exercise. Wish I'd realised how much exercise helps; even more than loud music.
Strict routines, which become second nature, so I don't have to think.

My answers below:

• Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards).

yes

• Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated.

no

• Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently.

no (it has happened to me before, but not often)

• Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.

no

• Always late.

no (up to 10 mins, but normally bang on time)

• Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there.

no (it has happened, but not often)

• Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to.

no (but I still schedule in things so I won’t forget)

• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).

no (meaning I can have a conversation with background noise)

• Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.

no

• Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising.

sometimes

• Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!)

no

• Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school.

no (I’m self-employed but not for these reasons, never got in trouble at school)

Firstly, everyone is different wrt going for assessment. Some people will want to know, some people don't see a benefit to a diagnosis (although this can change in my experience)

For me, my need to know was greater. Probably part of my Autistic make up. So I went through assessment in my early 50s (ASC and ADD)

There is the benefit of meds, if required / applicable. This is obviously helpful when people are struggling constantly to quieten their minds and need to focus.

Secondly, and again everyone is different. Everyone will react to their diagnosis differently. They will use that information the way they want to (be it a comfort or reason to explain how they have felt their whole lives and how they move forward, or to access therapy and support)

It's also nice to think that you might unlock some understanding among friends and family. This is a tricky one, as not everyone understands.

Regarding 'identity' - again, a personal thing im exactly the same way as eveeyones symptom profile will be different. I have a lot of self awareness (I was told in assessment) so while I'm aware I may be struggling with things, or doing things that are deemed 'weird' I cannot physically stop myself at times. I find this embarrassing, so avoidance if often used. (As in I don't go out and don't mix) To an extent, my ND is part of my identity as it can consume me at times. Such is the nature of the beast (again, different symptom profiles present in different ways)

One thing I know is that I felt shit when I was undiagnosed. I didn't know what was real, and if I was struggling socially, I didn't feel able to say why. Upon diagnosis, I was able to tell a few people. I actually still feel a bit shit about that, as I feel like I'm now judged by some. So I feel sometimes like I can't win.

In actual fact, the amount of people now voicing that they think "diagnosis is given out like sweets" has made it all a whole lot harder.

Finally, regarding anyone who believes they have gotten to adulthood and already built effective coping strategies; please be mindful that this may not always work. I was managing just fine with my coping strategies, until I wasn't. Poor health and menopause around 49/50 years old meant I could no longer cope / mask / pretend. I had to seek help as I was having a breakdown by forcing myself to continue to cope.

It's debilitating, and not something anyone I know seeks diagnosis of due to it being novel or trendy.

Bottom line is, if you're struggling and it's affecting your life, then speak to the GP to get the ball rolling.

Anyone who thinks 'we are all a bit like that' well that's just fine if it doesn't significantly impact your life. Please though, don't make anyone who is formally diagnosed feel like a charlatan or minimise their struggles.

Prevalence of ADHD is about 4.4% and autism 1%, so it’s overwhelmingly more common to be neurotypical. We are getting better at diagnosing neurodiversity which may mean our understanding of prevalence changes, but it’s not going to be the case that it’s as common to be neurotypical as neurodiverse.

There is clearly a perception that ADHD diagnoses are ‘handed out like sweets’. Anyone who has been through the process knows how very far from true that is. It’s a long, long process to be diagnosed. I expect also that many people are misdiagnosed as being neurotypical when they aren’t - there is still a lack of understanding in many areas of the medical community about how it can present, particularly in women and girls.

What I mean by identity is that throughout my life I’ve been called lazy, disorganised, thoughtless, oppositional. People say to me all the time that I just need to be more organised, or more proactive, or try harder, or just remember. I really struggle with this and it causes me (and those around me) issues. I’ve considered that I may have ADHD for the best part of a decade, long before it was on TikTok. Lots of ND in my family, including my DC.

To the poster who mentioned struggling with verbal instructions, that’s also me. I often need my DP to repeat himself as I haven’t heard him the first time, or I can only remember the first couple of things… much to his frustration…

You're describing the life many men lead in their own homes, with the exception of being late to meet friends for lunch.

I can really relate to this - and also to your previous post 🙂

I tick a lot of the same boxes. Putting a label on it seems pointless. I make lists, plan, carry a notebook, look at the time etc. That way I feel calmer and don’t annoy people so life is nicer. We are all different.

@RetroFitter
Have you ever looked into auditory processing disorder? It's sometimes misdiagnosed as ADHD. Your comment on self teaching by means of books and the internet, plus having your DP repeat what he's saying, plus inability to follow conversations if there's background noise makes me wonder if you successfully found a work around for an auditory processing issue at university, but obv in everyday life it's harder to deal with as people talk to you all the time.

I also wonder if having a set time to answer calls for your business makes it easier to clear your mind and really focus on the auditory element of that form of interaction? You know what you want to say, you have an idea what the other person will be saying - it's not a random conversation.

Could anxiety about conversation make it more likely that you will procrastinate or lose stuff or be late? If you're using a lot of energy (mental energy, plus the internal battle against the critical voices from childhood in your head) on working around a processing disorder it's hard to keep the rest of your life in order.

(Sorry for my flippant comment wrt men a while ago - thinking out loud isn't always a good idea.)

I can relate to all of your ‘symptoms’ op. I had a lightbulb moment last year when after a bit of research I realised a lot of my failings / shortcomings / issues could in fact be due to ADHD. I haven’t sought a diagnosis and have learnt not to mention it to people (likely to laugh at you for wanting to be in vogue!) but I have gained a hell of a lot of solace from understanding that the things I struggle with may be due to how my brain is wired rather than me just being rubbish!