Everyone does that…

[RetroFitter]

I have been struggling with my identity for a while now, and think I may have undiagnosed ADHD. My DC has ADHD and ASD, although I had inklings something was ‘off’ with me my whole life.

The issue is, whenever I talk to anyone about this they tell me that ‘everyone does that’, ‘that’s normal’, ‘that’s not ADHD, that’s just being forgetful’, ‘you just need to be more organised.’

So my AIBU or question is, do you do the below?

• Losing items on a daily basis (phone/keys/cards).
• Getting into a real panic after having lost said items, as I’m already running late. This leads to conflict and snapping at family members as I get panicked, annoyed, angry, frustrated.
• Needing to go back in the house after having already left due to forgetting something. Happens very frequently.
• Not being able to organise time correctly. For example, I have 2 hours to get ready, but I will still be late because I won’t have factored in packing my bag, traffic etc.
• Always late.
• Walk into rooms and forget why I went in there.
• Having to ‘hold’ things in my head or I will forget. If I don’t reply to emails / calls / messages straight away I will forget. Ditto for writing down appointments, if I don’t do it straight away I will forget. If I don’t make a written note, I have to mentally remind myself constantly that I have an appointment or a message to reply to.
• Can’t hold a conversation if there is any background noise (TV, music).
• Struggle with knowing when people are joking and often have to ask… this still happens with my DP despite having been together for 3 years.
• Untidy and often feel like I am living in chaos, again this links to time keeping, I won’t factor in time for tidying or organising.
• Hobbies aren’t sustained because I like to do my own thing too often, don’t like being told what to do or guided. I’m also late a lot and end up missing them (!)
• Self-employed as I struggle to follow instructions I think are pointless or inefficient, this has been a theme throughout my life and got me in trouble many times at school.

The above traits have been present throughout my whole life.

However, in saying that, I do run a successful business from my home that does require organisation. I feel as though this is successful because it is on my terms, if that makes sense? I can book in all appointments, times and set dedicated times to answering messages or emails. I also know that if I’m not organised, or I don’t reply to messages, I will not be paid which would have a catastrophic impact on my life and I’d be letting people down. But I can’t translate this skill to say - not being late to meet a friend for lunch - because it doesn’t have the same catastrophic impact. I also achieved straight A*s / first degree, despite rarely turning in homework and often truanting, as I have the ability to self-teach from the internet and text books and ‘pull it out of the bag’ when it comes to exams.

So, is everyone like this, or is there something more going on potentially?

Wow, who hurt you 🤣🤣🤣

What will change for you if you get a diagnosis?

You sound disorganised.

I relate to most of this. I have adhd and autism. I feel like the autism and adhd sort of balance each other out a bit (in me) so some of my disorganisation is compensated for by having rituals and routines and due to anxiety. I do well at work but I think that’s because it falls under the ‘special interest’ branch and I’m able to hyper focus.

Why do people always ask this question about ADHD?

Op your list is largely similar to mine, and indeed stuff like losing things, poor organisations were present all through childhood. It's a running joke about the number of bus passes, umbrellas, books, pe kits, house keys etc I've lost. DH has literally just brought me a fob for my house keys.
I just think though mostly it's me not being good enough.
If you feel yours is more, speak to your GP and look at getting a diagnosis if only because no one else will believe you until you do

Yes, that sounds likely, especially if your DC has a diagnosis (genetic component). I have ASD (diagnosed) and likely ADHD too; my cousin has ADHD (diagnosed) and likely ASD - we were diagnosed at similar times and each were assessed for the part that was causing us most issues day to day. My brother is also exploring an ADHD diagnosis. I find my ASD and ADHD often balance each other out in a weird kind of way - and yes, the “sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t” thing is very real (contrary to what the ill-informed PPs have said).

@ClottedCreamScone because we'd like to know what a diagnosis will do for a person with ADHD. Do you know?

I have a lot of these traits and have been in trouble in the past at work and I think I may have undiagnosed adhd but how to get diagnosed I have no idea

How are you with reading OP? Do you read books? I find I can't read books unless it is something I'm really interested in/passionate about and even then I tend to do it short bursts. I don't even have a ADHD diagnosis, just strongly suspected to have. I'm too disorganized to organize an appointment 😂

I like reading newspapers occasionally but it has to be something not too heavy like the Sun or Mirror, with plenty of pictures to break it up 😆

I find it hard to follow verbal instructions off someone. It has to be really short or simple and I have to concentrate or I lose track.

I'm also really bad at Chess/games that require thinking more than 2 steps ahead

I should really seek that diagnosis....🤔

Being neurodivergent is awful when you don’t have a diagnosis because you feel less than. I discovered I had ASD in my fifties and once I realised the relief was immense. I can look back to my childhood and see that all the signs were there and I am much kinder to myself. I feel free to be myself, whereas I was masking my whole life up until then. Now I don’t have to force myself to do things out of my comfort zone, because there’s a biological reason I am the way I am, and it’s so important for self esteem.

That's actually classic adhd. If you 'have' to do it, ie for money, your brain is able to release the motivation hormone (whatever it's called) to do it. If you don't 'have' to do it, that chemical isn't released.

Unfortunately I don't think this explanation will dispel some people's suspicions that the reason their friend is always late is because they're viewed as unimportant.

Do some research on the traits and then go to your GP. It will take a while, though to get assessed, possibly longer than two years because of the waiting list.

Yeah, some of that sounds completely normal....

...but then I'm autistic, so... <Shrug>

Being neurodiverse sucks.

That’s a classic part of undiagnosed neurodiversity. I just said exactly that in my message above. I always felt like I wasn’t good enough. It was because I couldn’t deal with anything and I had crippling social anxiety. I often felt like I wasn’t a proper ‘grown up’. But I was told that I was intelligent all the time, by my parents, teachers, friends. I recognised that I was, but I didn’t want to be because I wanted to be ordinary. To fit in, I suppose.

People with ADHD usually do sound disorganised, because they are, because they have a disability that affects their executive functioning, dopamine levels and ability to attend.

My son has an ADHD diagnosis. I strongly suspect I am too. I identify a lot with your list. Incidentally, I am a very well paid professional and have instituted many work arounds and techniques to make sure I don't overlook things or let time slip. I am trying to do this more with my home life. Incidentally I put keys in a bowl on a table near our front door. This has massively helped the key situation. My work access card is round my neck and I keep it there till I get home. I immediately then remove it and put it in the same place in my briefcase to be ready for next time. I generally try to keep the ringer function on my cellphone turned on so I can find it in the house if I mislay it. I have a cleaner too which helps. I also married somebody much more organised.

@ForTonightGodisaDJ I relate to everything you’ve written except was a voracious reader when I was younger, as is my DC who is diagnosed AuDHD. When we read books, we will read them completely in one sitting. Whether that’s 2, 3, 4, 5 hours. It would be a struggle to read a book in chunks or daily or come back to it.

So I can concentrate, but it almost seems like it’s hyper focused??

You sound like me OP and I have diagnosed ADD. I also have a first class degree and completely hyper focus on work/academics to the point of self neglect and my dc are left to fend for themselves - other times if work is too much or pointless I can't actually do the work and do nothing but stare at my laptop for weeks. It's so annoying and even more annoying when people say if you can do it for work you can do it for friends/family and you just don't value them. That's absolutely not the case. I can write down reminders, set alarms and still forget I'm meeting a friend that evening and arrange to meet someone else. I'm late, I am even late when I'm on time! I get the time I have to be somewhere mixed up/I write it down wrong. My brain literally doesn't function like other peoples and it causes me a lot of distress.

@Midnightgrey This is me. Things have to be placed back exactly in the same place every single time or they get lost or I’ve forgotten where I’ve put them. Also have a cleaner - forces me to tidy and organise once a week too.

The phone on loud at all times is a great idea, thank you.

I don't know if everyone does all that but I know that I am like that for all of them except '

I can hold a conversation when there is background sound.
I can do hobbies - well.... I don't really have any hobbies but I think I coudl if I wanted to.

ADHD is quite a la mode at the moment. Apparently the drugs for it are great and lots of online private healthcare companies promoting diagnosis in order to sell the drugs.

I think most people can manage such lifestyle traits as they are not massively rare. If you struggle with life you could get the diagnosis and try the meds.

Why do you want or need an ADHD diagnosis as an adult ? You will still have to deal with all of your symptoms, diagnosis or not.

Sounds like regular stuff tbh. But I guess it could be ADHD. I do all of the above bar the being late and not knowing if someone is joking points.

I'm double spicy - autism and ADHD. A diagnosis (not bloody label!) can be life changing. It was for me. I lived 50 odd years feeling less than, just lazy and disorganised, never understanding why others could do the things I struggle with with ease.

You spend your life just anxious that you've fucked up again, you're in trouble again. You're pretty useless, flakey etc. overall, just shit at life.

I'm none of those things. Diagnoses have made me much kinder to myself. Adjustments at work mean that I'm flying rather than floundering. I now understand my difficulties.

I take ADHD meds. My brain will now actually shut up for a bit. I can actually focus for periods of time. I'm far less anxious and I've learned that I can say no to things that I find stressful.

So, for anyone asking what difference a label makes, see above.