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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not helping out with my friends kids

81 replies

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:13

'm on maternity leave with a 7 month old. It's pretty intense and I really value my time alone which is not often as my husband works a lot.

I met my friends for lunch recently. One brought her twins (11 months) and the other her one year old. My friend with the twins took a limited time off when the babies were born and they are been minded by a nanny week days.

My friend with the twins upon arrival told me (not asked) that I would be "helping her with the twins" i.e. feeding them their solids/purees. I have no problem in playing with them etc but I would never expect anyone else to feed my kids and brushed it off saying I was hoping to enjoy my lunch. My other friend interjected to say I should enjoy my free time.

AIBU for not helping?

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 28/12/2023 09:14

Nope! Child free time is golden and necessary to be a good parent.

TwiddlingMyToes · 28/12/2023 09:15

Did you take your baby too? Personally, if I was meeting up with friends with kids (whether I had mine withe or not), I wouldn't particularly consider that a relaxing time anyway, so would probably just help put some food in one of the kids mouths.

But she was rude to tell you, not ask you.

(Maybe next time, suggest a child-free meet yp5)

Walkacrossthesand · 28/12/2023 09:16

Presumably your 7 month old wasn't there, or you'd have been busy seeing to them?

fitzwilliamdarcy · 28/12/2023 09:16

I'd have probably refused on the basis that I was being spoken to like the childs' nanny!

Christmasconcerts · 28/12/2023 09:18

Actually I do think it’s a bit unreasonable. She was very rude in telling you but there are two sets of twins at one of the baby groups I go to and we always help. I think we know one baby is hard work so two is … a lot!

BIossomtoes · 28/12/2023 09:18

I’d have thought putting a bit of food in a child’s mouth to help someone with twins wouldn’t be particularly taxing. Would it have been different if she’d asked?

Patchworksack · 28/12/2023 09:19

Her child care arrangements whilst she is working are totally irrelevant. It’s a bit weird to use your ‘child free time’ to take other babies out to lunch. Surely either you all bring your babies and it’s a mum and baby outing in which you deal with your own infant and help each other out a bit, or it’s a child free meeting where you get sloshed on Prosecco (or whatever). Mixing the two is odd, and sitting there being all childfree whilst your friend has two to wrangle is odd.

Olika · 28/12/2023 09:22

With her attitude I wouldn't have helped.

Waterlooville · 28/12/2023 09:23

I couldn't sit and watch my friend struggle or a baby be stressed at not being fed whilst their sibling was or being fed slowly. I just couldn't 🤷

Also, people are told all the time on here to say if they need help.

It sounds like you thought she was rude, fair enough to take offense at that. But you were probably mean.

Why didn't you take your DC when the others were? I agree with a previous poster that is odd.

Karwomannghia · 28/12/2023 09:25

YABU she’s a mate asking for help feeding 2 babies in a jokey way and you want to enjoy your free time by watching her struggle?

Shinyandnew1 · 28/12/2023 09:25

'm on maternity leave with a 7 month old. It's pretty intense and I really value my time alone which is not often

So you spend it meeting people with their babies?

BogRollBOGOF · 28/12/2023 09:26

I probably would offer to help if she looked like she needed a hand and I was free.

I'd be cheesed off at being expected to help and treated like (unpaid, poorly managed) staff.

JMSA · 28/12/2023 09:28

I wouldn't see a friend struggle, no Confused
Presumably you're more acquaintances than friends though, as you sound like a judgy cow.

Winnipeggy · 28/12/2023 09:29

Well this isn't alone time is it? It's never relaxing meeting friends with kids. I can't even imagine how hard it is having twins, she obviously feels like you're enough of a friend to ask for help. I think you're being a little unkind.

Haveyouanyjam · 28/12/2023 09:30

Sounds like she was a bit rude about it but babies are hard, twin babies are even harder, so it is not unreasonable for her to expect her friend to help her out if they are there with two free arms whilst she’s managing two 11 month olds.

If I met up with my friends and they had their children and I didn’t have mine I would definitely help them…it’s not child free time and helping someone a bit with their child is not the same as when you have your own there.

If you’d planned a child free lunch with them and they brought their child and wanted help, I’d get it, but just don’t meet up with them and their kids when you don’t have yours.

There is also a difference feeding a baby at 7 months who presumably has only just started eating, and a nearly one year old. And I’m pretty sure you not expecting anyone else to feed your child is because you have one, not more.

Morechocmorechoc · 28/12/2023 09:33

Well she shoukd have asked politely and I would have told her that. Personally I wouldn't watch my friend struggle to feed two while I watched though. It hardly is a big chore and they can be fed a different time to when you're eating and can have finger food when you eat so can entertain themselves.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:33

I think it was more her attitude. I've done it before helping with kids and not being asked (or told to).

OP posts:
Tilllly · 28/12/2023 09:35

Attitude was off

But this isn't a big deal and you seem very sensitive about it

Karwomannghia · 28/12/2023 09:35

So how did the lunch pan out in the end?

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:37

It wasn't until I heard she was telling our other friends an over inflated version of the story

OP posts:
GenXisthebest · 28/12/2023 09:37

I totally agree with you that childfree time is important, which is why I'd never use it to meet up with friends and their babies! Weird to sit there not helping while your friend was struggling with two.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:39

It was fine. I played with the babies and took one when she was crying. I wasn't sitting there twiddling my thumbs!

Maybe I am sensitive to it cos she was passing comments how I should nt be able to take a year off for my mat leave. She returned on her own accord- high flying exec

OP posts:
MamaGhina · 28/12/2023 09:39

It’s a bit strange for some people to bring their children while others view it as child free time.

If you had arranged a child free meet up and she brought them, then YANBU.
If you knew they were bringing their kids, I think you would be unreasonable to watch her struggle with 2 while enjoying your lunch. Not something I’d be comfortable with personally.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2023 09:41

I couldn't relax and eat lunch while my friend sat and fed 2 babies at once presumably whilst not eating their own lunch. If you think it's pretty intense having a 7 month old, how do you imagine it is having twins?

Karwomannghia · 28/12/2023 09:43

Sounds like you have very different values and that she winds you up. Maybe you’re growing apart!