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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for not helping out with my friends kids

81 replies

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:13

'm on maternity leave with a 7 month old. It's pretty intense and I really value my time alone which is not often as my husband works a lot.

I met my friends for lunch recently. One brought her twins (11 months) and the other her one year old. My friend with the twins took a limited time off when the babies were born and they are been minded by a nanny week days.

My friend with the twins upon arrival told me (not asked) that I would be "helping her with the twins" i.e. feeding them their solids/purees. I have no problem in playing with them etc but I would never expect anyone else to feed my kids and brushed it off saying I was hoping to enjoy my lunch. My other friend interjected to say I should enjoy my free time.

AIBU for not helping?

OP posts:

Em94 · 28/12/2023 09:43

I have ten month old twins and honestly it’s so hard going out and the anxiety is unreal.
she’s probably been stressed/overstimulated and worded it not in the best way that she needs help whilst out.
having twin babies just isn’t the same as single babies, please give your friend abit of lee way x

idontlikealdi · 28/12/2023 09:45

YABU and you sound like you don't like her much anyway. I wouldn't consider a lunch with friends' kids child free time anyway.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/12/2023 09:46

Was the plan for your friends to bring their children or was that a surprise?

muggart · 28/12/2023 09:52

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:39

It was fine. I played with the babies and took one when she was crying. I wasn't sitting there twiddling my thumbs!

Maybe I am sensitive to it cos she was passing comments how I should nt be able to take a year off for my mat leave. She returned on her own accord- high flying exec

Ok so you didn't want to help her out because you resent her for other comments she's made? That's a different AIBU question entirely.

I would generally want to help a mother of twins as much as possible. I suppose if I secretly resented them then that might change things.

Lalalanding · 28/12/2023 09:55

I think we all respond badly to adults making a demand rather than a request and having expectations of us rather than asking for a bit of support. I think if this is a once off I’d let it go but if it is a pattern of behaviour with your friend I’d have been a bit tetchy too.

babybrum · 28/12/2023 09:56

Did she say it in a jokey way? I have my own and know how difficult it is so I always offer to feed/change/ entertain my friends kids if I can or if I see them struggling but your not obligated to

mn29 · 28/12/2023 09:57

If I wanted to enjoy my child-free time I wouldn’t be meeting up with friends bringing their babies. You may as well have taken yours and done something different with your ‘me time’ as the atmosphere was not going to be chilled and relaxed with multiple babies there.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 10:02

No it wasn't jokey, which is why my other friend with the child interjected.

It might come across that I don't like helping out others with kids, nothing could be further from the truth. I suppose it was the way I was told (on 3 occasions) that I would be helping. I honestly wouldn't mind at all I just found it quite rude

OP posts:

susiedaisy1912 · 28/12/2023 10:03

I get what you're saying op. When mine were small the thought of having a child free meal was something I looked forward to immensely. I did all of the childcare as my exh was lazy and uninterested, so to be able to go out with friends and actually choose a grown up meal and eat it in peace was a luxury. If I got there and someone dictated to me that I will be helping feed and care for their babies it would annoy me even if it was a friend.

EvilElsa · 28/12/2023 10:05

If she had voiced it better and actually asked -would anyone mind helping me at lunch with these two -I suspect it wouldn't be an issue. It's the attitude. I'd never let a friend struggle, but I'd be pissed off at being dictated to.

TrashedSofa · 28/12/2023 10:09

She was a dick about it. However, with both DC there I'd think it was potentially the least stressful option to help feed them a bit if needed.

Did you know the babies would be there?

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 10:16

I would be wondering the context of the conversation and how close you two are.

I l.e I would say to a long term freind I can speak to freely ' oh you're going to have to help me with x please this is going to be manic'

I also don't think I could sit there and watch a freind struggle while I was handsfree.

s4usagefingers · 28/12/2023 10:18

Doesn’t really sound like you are friends at all.

Richard1985 · 28/12/2023 10:25

I once heard a radio presenter joke that all women, even very best friends, actually secretly hate each other

Perhaps it was a joke after all😂

mumsytoon · 28/12/2023 10:26

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 28/12/2023 09:41

I couldn't relax and eat lunch while my friend sat and fed 2 babies at once presumably whilst not eating their own lunch. If you think it's pretty intense having a 7 month old, how do you imagine it is having twins?

And whose problem is that? I would have gladly helped. bUT being told to would have really irritated me. Being asked and told to is very different.

MumHereAgain2023 · 28/12/2023 10:28

Rude. If you wanted to help great do it but it's not expected. Is she really such a good friend ??

pictoosh · 28/12/2023 10:30

It is rude. That's why you said no. She displayed dominance over you and you deflected it, so well done. You didn't do or say anything wrong.

LadyBird1973 · 28/12/2023 11:35

I'm with you OP. Shes bitched about you taking time out, while at the same time expecting you to use that time to help facilitate her own life. You aren't her employee.
If you've managed to leave your own baby at home, that's because you want some time where you aren't doing childcare. Why would you go to that effort and then do the childcare for some rude bitch another person's baby?

Also there's a lot to be said for being asked nicely to help. Demanding people should not be pandered to!

Luxell934 · 28/12/2023 11:49

Sounds like you don’t like her very much anyway and that’s the real issue here. If she was a great friend I don’t think you would have given this a second thought surely?

You might be child free that day but if your choosing to attend a lunch where your other friends are bringing their own children then I don’t see what the big deal was about helping to feed her twins? I wouldn’t have needed to be told personally, I’d have offered or just used my initiative and helped her out.

zurala · 28/12/2023 12:07

I've voted YANBU because at 11 months they should be feeding themselves so no one needed to spoon food, but it is very hard with twins and you sound like you don't like her very much.

Original poster

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 12:10

Her children coming was a last minute thing.

As I said previously I did help out when I wasn't told to. I always have done with any of my friends kids.

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 28/12/2023 12:23

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It’s the dictation rather than letting you offer or asking nicely.

My friend had 2 within 11 months of each other (now 3 and 2) and I have one the same age as her eldest. I always try to help her out when we go out together - nappy changes, holding hands with one whilst the other gets strapped in the buggy or car, holding the youngest whilst a baby at soft play as mine was able to take herself around the baby section with me watching her but hers wasn’t mobile yet. I did all of this because I could see she was struggling.

However, she tried to organise a meet up on a day when my DD was going to be with DH at his parents’ house. I said yes because it had been a while since I’d seen her but I wouldn’t have DD with me. Her immediate reaction was ‘great, we can have a child each!’ I found myself coming up with a reason why I couldn’t attend because, whilst I’m happy to help out, I objected to the assumption. If she had asked me properly, I’d have been fine with it.

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 12:42

Maybe I am sensitive to it cos she was passing comments how I should nt be able to take a year off for my mat leave. She returned on her own accord- high flying exec

Is this the key? Not that she took very little time off but that she's a high flying exec? She's used to being the one who gives the orders and other people jump?

She needs to see the difference between an employee - whether that's at work or the nanny - and a friend.

DragonFly98 · 28/12/2023 12:44

You sound really unkind, and intense with one 7 month old is bizarre.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 28/12/2023 12:46

@Gymnopedie Agreed. I think OP is getting a hard time here. She's not unkind - she willingly helps out. But she's being told to sort out a random child as if she's 'the help' - of course it got her back up. Having twins or 2 under 2 doesn't mean you get a pass for behaving so rudely towards under people.

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