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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for not helping out with my friends kids

81 replies

Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 09:13

'm on maternity leave with a 7 month old. It's pretty intense and I really value my time alone which is not often as my husband works a lot.

I met my friends for lunch recently. One brought her twins (11 months) and the other her one year old. My friend with the twins took a limited time off when the babies were born and they are been minded by a nanny week days.

My friend with the twins upon arrival told me (not asked) that I would be "helping her with the twins" i.e. feeding them their solids/purees. I have no problem in playing with them etc but I would never expect anyone else to feed my kids and brushed it off saying I was hoping to enjoy my lunch. My other friend interjected to say I should enjoy my free time.

AIBU for not helping?

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 12:48

I don't understand your comment on my child?

OP posts:
Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 12:50

Maybe it is. I honestly didn't like being told what to do. I don't think I've ever been told to help any of my friends with their kids, even when I was childless

OP posts:
DemBonesDemBones · 28/12/2023 12:58

@DragonFly98 why is that bizarre? Signed a Mother of 4.

Midnightgrey · 28/12/2023 13:16

She chose to bring her children at the last minute. They are normally looked after by a nanny so she has plenty of me time albeit at work. You are getting a rare break from your child. You don't want to spend it attending to her children. she could have fed them before turning up if the nanny was unable to have them. The comments about going back to work quickly is uncalled for too. I went back after 6 weeks but I appreciate that was my choice and I had a lot of support to enable me to do that.

gamerchick · 28/12/2023 13:25

Would I fuck spend child free time with other people's babies. So many nopes.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 14:38

@DragonFly98 can you please explain what you mean here

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 28/12/2023 14:47

I couldn't sit and watch my friend struggle or a baby be stressed at not being fed whilst their sibling was or being fed slowly. I just couldn't 🤷

How do you think the mother manages the rest of the time?

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 28/12/2023 19:33

My DS was with my OH and his family for the day so couldn't attend. But I did feel my friend handled the situation poorly. I would help anyone out. Now bitching to other friends too...

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 29/12/2023 11:49

I reckon that if your other friends knew how she'd spoken to you, they'd be judging her as behaving badly, rather than you.
Don't be afraid to tell them your perspective on what happened.

FictionalCharacter · 29/12/2023 12:03

Christmasconcerts · 28/12/2023 09:18

Actually I do think it’s a bit unreasonable. She was very rude in telling you but there are two sets of twins at one of the baby groups I go to and we always help. I think we know one baby is hard work so two is … a lot!

They weren't at a baby group though, this was the mums having lunch out. I don't expect to be commanded to help with childcare when I meet friends for lunch.

I have twins, it was absolute hell when they were babies. But I would NEVER have told someone they were going to help with the babies, especially on a lunch out.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 29/12/2023 18:32

There'd 3 sets of twins in my mum group and I would always help out. The difference is I'm not told to I just do it if the mum is struggling or am asked to.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 29/12/2023 18:44

It would be different- I think - if you didn't have your own 7 month old. But I agree it seems cheeky for her to assume that you're willing to be doing hands on childcare because you're lucky enough to be on a childfree outing.

Onelifeonly · 29/12/2023 18:52

I'd feel the same as you if I was told to help. It's not that I would refuse to help if I saw someone struggling. If she's bad mouthing you, maybe you could send a message telling her how you felt and that you'd have been happy to help- it was just the way she said it. Being a "high flyer", maybe she's very used to giving orders at work (which is no excuse, of course).

Phanta · 29/12/2023 19:29

I really despair at some of the attitudes on these threads. Surely it isn't a crime to ask a friend to help out? I could never just sit and watch a friend struggle by themselves especially with twins. If a friend asked me for help, I wouldn't think twice about it. And I would hope they would do the same for me. I wouldn't be ripping them apart on a public forum.

It's no wonder some mums burnout when they can't even feel they can ask those that are meant to be close for them for the tiniest bit of support.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/12/2023 19:37

Phanta · 29/12/2023 19:29

I really despair at some of the attitudes on these threads. Surely it isn't a crime to ask a friend to help out? I could never just sit and watch a friend struggle by themselves especially with twins. If a friend asked me for help, I wouldn't think twice about it. And I would hope they would do the same for me. I wouldn't be ripping them apart on a public forum.

It's no wonder some mums burnout when they can't even feel they can ask those that are meant to be close for them for the tiniest bit of support.

Maybe if she’d asked rather than rudely ordered then she wouldn’t have got the OP’s back up…

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 29/12/2023 19:44

Phanta · 29/12/2023 19:29

I really despair at some of the attitudes on these threads. Surely it isn't a crime to ask a friend to help out? I could never just sit and watch a friend struggle by themselves especially with twins. If a friend asked me for help, I wouldn't think twice about it. And I would hope they would do the same for me. I wouldn't be ripping them apart on a public forum.

It's no wonder some mums burnout when they can't even feel they can ask those that are meant to be close for them for the tiniest bit of support.

She didn’t ask. She dictated like the OP was her employee.

jannier · 29/12/2023 19:58

I think her phrasing was bad but bloody hell if you think a 7month old is intense imagine twins and being back at work.
I've worked with babies and toddlers for years including non related of the same age twins are a whole new level of exhaustion. If you want time alone don't meet up with friends with kids.

Goldbar · 29/12/2023 20:18

I think there are some crossed lines here and the whole thing has been blown out of proportion.

Yes, she should have asked not demanded... But she's probably tired and stressed and it probably came out a bit wrong.

I personally would never meet friends with young children (and certainly not twins!) during my child-free time by choice. But if I do meet up with friends with kids, I'd always expect to muck in and help do whatever needs doing. I can't stand people (tbh mostly men) who sit around and ignore the fact that some of the people they're with (often their wives) are buzzing about busily wrangling multiple children and not getting a chance to take a sip of their drink or a bite of food. I hope I will never be one of those people.

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 29/12/2023 20:39

To reiterate: I did not know the babies were coming. My friend has a lot of help and support through the live in nanny and grandparents and her and her partner have had numerous nights out and time away from the kids. I don't have that luxury, my husband works away a lot and long hours so the odd weekend is the only time I can have my baby free time

OP posts:
MummyJ36 · 29/12/2023 20:42

I think twin parents just become so used to handing a child over that perhaps she was on autopilot when she arrived and saw you had your hands free! If she’s a good friend try and forgive her for this one indiscretion. I had a friend who had twins and bloody hell, it’s hard work. She was the most capable mum I knew but she had her hands full and one twin was regularly passed to someone without much comment just so she could deal with the one other.

(I say all of this with the full acceptance that this situ must have been annoying!!)

JaninaDuszejko · 30/12/2023 09:32

She is working FT and has 1yo twins. You are on maternity leave with one child. You frankly sound jealous of her, you've made snide remarks about her job and her childcare arrangements, her husband who does his fair share of the parenting and the grandparents who help out.

She asked you to help with her twins because you didn't have a child with you. You didn't like how she asked you to help and rather than saying something along the lines of 'I'm happy to if you ask nicely' you refused leaving her having to deal with two babies while you had none.

She complained about you to other people, probably painting herself in the most flattering light
They told you a probably exaggerated version of what she said.
You are now criticising her on Mumsnet, probably painting yourself in the most flattering light.
Frankly you're all behaving like the so called 'popular girls' at my teenager daughters' school who are so busy fighting for status that they never actually find friends they like and can trust.

LadyBird1973 · 30/12/2023 11:36

She might be working full time but she does have a nanny. And regular child free leisure time!
It was her choice to bring her children - the OP chose not to bring hers and isn't responsible for mopping up her friend's poor decision making.
Asking for help, goes a long way. Demanding, not so much!

If I'm out without my dc, there's no way I'm taking g on someone else's childcare. Bugger that! If women are told on here that they aren't 'entitled' to childcare from the kids' own grandparents, they certainly aren't entitled to demand it from their friends!

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 30/12/2023 11:56

Yanbu op.

Her children, her problem. Same as her children, her rules. When people want to make the standard social etiquette that it's wrong to touch/hold/kiss/coo over babies, they can't expect help later on. Not saying your friend was a precious motherzilla but social norms and expectations are what they are. If this is the way we are moving, it cuts both ways imo.

I wouldn't take kindly to being told I'm feeding her kid, pressure manages to feed both the rest of the time?

I'd enjoy my hot lunch without a child hanging off me, tyvm.

Esmerelda2024 · 30/12/2023 12:08

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pinkyredrose · 30/12/2023 12:32

She is working FT and has 1yo twins. You are on maternity leave with one child. You frankly sound jealous of her,

How the fuck did you come to that conclusion? 🤔