To limit contact with in laws?

[amumfromliverpool]

We had a huge argument on boxing day and I don't feel like I can be around them anymore and I certainly don't want them around my son without me there.

For some context before I get into the issue...

We visited my husband's family for Christmas on boxing day. His family consists of his Mum and his Nan (who is in her 80s). Our family is me, my husband and our 3 yo son.

My in laws are very opinionated, judgemental and always think they know best. They never apologise and always sweep things under the rug saying it's water under the bridge.

They speak to my husband terribly and don't respect his opinions on anything they shout at him and tell him what to do.

On their first visit a couple of weeks after our son was born they showed up, criticised almost everything we were going to the point that I took my son upstairs to escape as I was so upset.

I started potty training our son in mid-December and it's been going great, everything we've done to date has worked really well and he's gaining confidence every day.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our second child.

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We showed up at their house on boxing day, my husband walked into the lounge with the potty and set it down somewhere out of the way. Straight away his Nan started shouting that she wouldn't have the potty in the lounge, that it goes in the bathroom (WTF?). My husband tried to explain that my son wouldn't be able to hold in until the bathroom which would result in lots of accidents but she continued to shout about she raised two children and that's how it's done etc etc.

I had already left the room at this point as I can't stand being told how to parent when I know how well our son is thriving and has been doing do well with potty training (I don't need outdated advice on how it should be done).

My husband then went outside to get out of the situation and get some air because he wasn't being listened to. She then came and confronted us telling us we were being silly and to come into the lounge, lots of other things were said but I can't really remember it all now to be honest I was so wound up.

We were trapped in the kitchen with his Nan who continued to confront us, so I asked my husband for the car keys so that I could get out of the situation and calm down (bearing in mind... I'm 7 months pregnant). I went and sat in the car on their drive and could hear my heart thumping it was beating so hard in my chest.

My husband came out to join me then a few minutes later his Nan came out, came to my door, opened it and started to confront me again telling me to come inside, it was too much in my personal space and made me really uncomfortable. Anyway I ended up telling her that the way that she and my husband's mum speak to him is terrible and really disrespectful which she was dismissed.

We all ended up back inside, I had agreed to go in the lounge because our son was waiting for his presents. Just as I turned to go into the lounge she threw a dig saying 'I've never known people to be so sensitive' referring to me and my husband. So I turned to her and said something along the lines of, I'm not doing this, why did you make that comment. She then put her hands on me and started trying to push me into the lounge (I'm just going to throw in a reminder... I'm 7 months pregnant...) I just put my hands up like a surrender move and squeezed past her into the kitchen again where I got the excuse of 'sometimes I say things and I don't mean them' which I said was unacceptable and she should take responsibility for what she had said and how it makes people feel.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my 3 yo son came to me in the kitchen and hugged me and said 'mummy upset, mummy shout' I explained that I was upset and shouldn't have got angry (I wasn't shouting but we were arguing and voices were raised). He then went back into the lounge to my MIL and repeated the same thing which she didn't respond to.

Anyway, we all went into the lounge for my son to open his presents, me and my husband put all of our upset and frustration to one side to be civil and it wasn't mentioned for the rest of the time we were there. In fact my MIL didn't mention it at all, she didn't say anything to her mother about her behaviour not did she ask me or my husband if we were ok which I found very strange and detached.

She even text my husband to ask if we got home safe and said thank you for presents and didn't mention it!

I don't know where to go from here and I can't stop thinking about it, hence this lengthy post (sorry!).

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family. I've arranged days out and invited them to our house for special occasions and I keep in touch with my MIL about our son via text, sending pictures etc. but I feel like I don't want to do any of that anymore.

I certainly don't want to visit them at their house given that they seem to think that gives them free reign to tell us how to parent.

I know that I don't want my son spending time with them without me there. He has previously stayed over at their house once a month - which is the only time they see him (they live 30 minutes away but barely come to visit).

I'm happy for my husband and son to have a relationship with them, but I don't feel like I want to be involved anymore - am I being unreasonable?

I know that they will blame me for this entirely and not see their fault in this at all. My husband has only ever stood up up them on things since being with me.

Had anyone been through something similar? Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry again for the lengthy post!

I mean... she's not wrong about the potty thing. If you started in mid December and he's still having 'lots of accidents' then I wouldn't say it's going really well. And expecting to put a potty in the living room of someone else's home on Christmas Day is a bit grim.

However, I'm not sure why there was any need for all the shouting? Couldn't she have just said 'oh do you mind putting the potty somewhere else today?' or something bland. And you seemed to got from 0-60 yourself in about three seconds flat, to the extent that even your three year old commented on it. Your husband, likewise, seemed to immediately take offence to the extent he had to take time to calm down.

It's all a bit over the top and sounds like all parties involved were fully prepared for the day to descend into a stand up row at a moments notice, so the potty thing was probably a bit irrelevant- it could have been anything.

I would agree that you should all limit your time together, it sounds incredibly stressful and you were all like coiled springs from the word go, so really it was never going to be a nice day.

Keep your distance and try to stay civil and calm when you do need to see them. If that's not possible then take a break altogether.

Their house. If they don't want a potty in their living room so be it.

The rest of it is too much so I wouldn't bother seeing them again no. MIL was probably stuck in the middle and just wanted nothing to do with it.

Well first thing she was right it's disgusting to put a potty in the lounge for a 3 year old child unless the bathroom up the stairs and back of house it's not outdated advice its just plain hygiene .you do sound very dramatic with the rest but she shouldn't have pushed uou that I agree with .but you can't dictate your husband can't take the children to see his parents by himself that's controlling behaviour .

Sorry but the potty in the living room is gross. I'd be really unhappy if anyone did that at my house.

Then all this going to the car to get space because they told you they didn't like it. You both overreacted hugely and it all got worse from there.

Just to clarify my toddler isn't having lots of accidents, but the bathroom is far away from the lounge, we were concerned he wouldn't be able to hold it for that length of time so we didn't want him to have unnecessary accidents thus knocking his confidence that he has built up over the past couple of weeks.

We have taken the potty and set it up in a discreet corner of the lounge in the homes of multiple other family members and it hasn't been an issue. Personally, I don't see the issue whilst he's learning, it's not forever, but each to their own. I agree that they could have brought it up in a more conversational way and asked us to set it up somewhere else which wouldn't have been an issue.

Things definitely escalated very quickly, I feel very anxious around them as this isn't the first time something like this has happened, in fact his Mum had shouted at us in a similar way only a couple of weeks ago over Christmas presents. It becomes very stressful when someone is shouting at you unnecessarily.

Must say I couldn’t get worked up about a potty in the living room, particularly if the toilet wasn’t near the living room. Say toilet is upstairs, or similar.

tbh it was probably not the best time to start potty training - and if you came into my living room with a potty I'd tell you to move it too.

Not what you want to hear, probably.

The rest is daft so just avoid them.

I'm really sorry but no way is a 3 year old sitting on a potty in my living room. I can see their point on that.

yabu. This is blown out of all proportion. Some families have terrible problems to deal with , like dying relatives, alchoholics, unemployment, poverty. It feels like something that could have been ignored or brushed aside as a dodgy insensitive comment has been turned into a bad soap opera. To separate your son from his gran for something so petty would be very unreasonable

I cannot understand why so many ppl would refuse to have a potty in their living room. Just why???

"We have taken the potty and set it up in a discreet corner of the lounge in the homes of multiple other family members and it hasn't been an issue"

Jeez, the poor wee guy He's 3. He's not a baby. This may be ok in you own home but it never occurred to you that the wee guy might not want to go for a dump in a room full of people celebrating Christmas?

And yeah, the going out and sitting in the car is all very dramatic.

You all sound bonkers.

Majority of our toilet training has been done with potty in toilet to encourage the fact they need to learn to listen to their bodies, and of course to teach them that poos/wees are only done in toilets..... Not behind curtains or couches or whatever else. I think you created a mountain out of a molehill tbh.

Our local nursery won’t accept children til they are potty trained, and I’m in agreement with your in laws, I wouldn’t want a potty in my any room except bathroom. Sorry

because it's unhygenic, so i want it somewhere where it's not where i might be having a drink and a biscuit, or the cat and dog wandering around etc etc.

Do you take a dump in the living room?

To be honest, I'm asking for advice on overbearing in laws who think its ok to tell us how to parent, shout at us and dismiss our opinions as being over sensitive. I'm not asking for advice on potty training, contentious issue that it is.

Nothing wrong with having the potty in the sitting room

I would definately 'drop the rope' as they say and don't bother keeping up the contact especially with Gmil. Let your husband do the leg work - if he wants to.

I wouldn't be keen on a potty in my living room either. Couldn't you put it in the hall if the bathroom is upstairs? To be honest I'd put a nappy back on if visiting someone with a potty training toddler who couldn't make it to the bathroom. Not really fair on someone else to have the risk of wee on the carpet.

Shouting about it is clearly unnecessary but your husband started it by arguing about the potty thing.

Then give an example because asking you to move the potty was reasonable. They sound like a shouty family, you are holding grudges and then you've got a 80+ year old who likes to pass remarks. Both you and your DH are over dramatic sitting in the car outside. If they are actually over critical then you challenge that. Your DH needs to meet up with them alone and set boundaries.

I think folk are telling you are being over sensitive and you started the arguement with your over dramatics about the potty training. They were not telling you how to parent they were telling you it was disgusting and you didn't like it and made a scene because you didnt like it .

When you are in the nappy stage of children you can forget that most adults don't enjoy the smell of shit, especially while having Christmas nibbles etc. A three year old doesn't smell pleasant and then it's got to be carried out under everyone's nose with no hand washing.

The kind of people who set up a potty in someone else’s lounge on Christmas Day are never going to have great relationships because you can’t see a bigger picture or other people’s point of view.

That doesn’t excuse others bad behaviour. It just shows you might not be so great yourself so maybe leave the door ajar.

It's a sitting room not a shitting room.
You totally overreacted.

Potty in someone else’s living room is grim.

Pushing a pregnant woman is beyond the pale. I would be completely NC and wouldn’t want my DC exposed to them either.