To limit contact with in laws?

[amumfromliverpool]

We had a huge argument on boxing day and I don't feel like I can be around them anymore and I certainly don't want them around my son without me there.

For some context before I get into the issue...

We visited my husband's family for Christmas on boxing day. His family consists of his Mum and his Nan (who is in her 80s). Our family is me, my husband and our 3 yo son.

My in laws are very opinionated, judgemental and always think they know best. They never apologise and always sweep things under the rug saying it's water under the bridge.

They speak to my husband terribly and don't respect his opinions on anything they shout at him and tell him what to do.

On their first visit a couple of weeks after our son was born they showed up, criticised almost everything we were going to the point that I took my son upstairs to escape as I was so upset.

I started potty training our son in mid-December and it's been going great, everything we've done to date has worked really well and he's gaining confidence every day.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our second child.

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We showed up at their house on boxing day, my husband walked into the lounge with the potty and set it down somewhere out of the way. Straight away his Nan started shouting that she wouldn't have the potty in the lounge, that it goes in the bathroom (WTF?). My husband tried to explain that my son wouldn't be able to hold in until the bathroom which would result in lots of accidents but she continued to shout about she raised two children and that's how it's done etc etc.

I had already left the room at this point as I can't stand being told how to parent when I know how well our son is thriving and has been doing do well with potty training (I don't need outdated advice on how it should be done).

My husband then went outside to get out of the situation and get some air because he wasn't being listened to. She then came and confronted us telling us we were being silly and to come into the lounge, lots of other things were said but I can't really remember it all now to be honest I was so wound up.

We were trapped in the kitchen with his Nan who continued to confront us, so I asked my husband for the car keys so that I could get out of the situation and calm down (bearing in mind... I'm 7 months pregnant). I went and sat in the car on their drive and could hear my heart thumping it was beating so hard in my chest.

My husband came out to join me then a few minutes later his Nan came out, came to my door, opened it and started to confront me again telling me to come inside, it was too much in my personal space and made me really uncomfortable. Anyway I ended up telling her that the way that she and my husband's mum speak to him is terrible and really disrespectful which she was dismissed.

We all ended up back inside, I had agreed to go in the lounge because our son was waiting for his presents. Just as I turned to go into the lounge she threw a dig saying 'I've never known people to be so sensitive' referring to me and my husband. So I turned to her and said something along the lines of, I'm not doing this, why did you make that comment. She then put her hands on me and started trying to push me into the lounge (I'm just going to throw in a reminder... I'm 7 months pregnant...) I just put my hands up like a surrender move and squeezed past her into the kitchen again where I got the excuse of 'sometimes I say things and I don't mean them' which I said was unacceptable and she should take responsibility for what she had said and how it makes people feel.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my 3 yo son came to me in the kitchen and hugged me and said 'mummy upset, mummy shout' I explained that I was upset and shouldn't have got angry (I wasn't shouting but we were arguing and voices were raised). He then went back into the lounge to my MIL and repeated the same thing which she didn't respond to.

Anyway, we all went into the lounge for my son to open his presents, me and my husband put all of our upset and frustration to one side to be civil and it wasn't mentioned for the rest of the time we were there. In fact my MIL didn't mention it at all, she didn't say anything to her mother about her behaviour not did she ask me or my husband if we were ok which I found very strange and detached.

She even text my husband to ask if we got home safe and said thank you for presents and didn't mention it!

I don't know where to go from here and I can't stop thinking about it, hence this lengthy post (sorry!).

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family. I've arranged days out and invited them to our house for special occasions and I keep in touch with my MIL about our son via text, sending pictures etc. but I feel like I don't want to do any of that anymore.

I certainly don't want to visit them at their house given that they seem to think that gives them free reign to tell us how to parent.

I know that I don't want my son spending time with them without me there. He has previously stayed over at their house once a month - which is the only time they see him (they live 30 minutes away but barely come to visit).

I'm happy for my husband and son to have a relationship with them, but I don't feel like I want to be involved anymore - am I being unreasonable?

I know that they will blame me for this entirely and not see their fault in this at all. My husband has only ever stood up up them on things since being with me.

Had anyone been through something similar? Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry again for the lengthy post!

This.
I couldn't get past this sorry.

I feel bad for MIL in all this. Her mother is in her 80s and not good at behaving socially. MIL has probably been in the same behaviour pattern all her life (by which I mean, she isn’t going to criticise or confront her mother, even if her mother behaves badly). It seems unfair to expect MIL to change now. Her mum won’t be around much longer. Is MIL even that bad, or is it simply an issue with a very old woman being difficult?

OP, you need to build resilience. Leaving to sit in the car as soon as someone says a cross word is not normal. It will disadvantage your children to be raised without a good example of resilience from their parents.

Bright and breezy, “well nan, I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I’m not sure I agree nan, but it’s Christmas so let’s forget about it and move on,” etc. And get on with it. You know what she’s like. Vent about it after you leave. Having people come out to the car to persuade you to come back inside is, as an adult, really embarrassing.

Couldn’t you see that setting up a potty in the living room might be an issue and scope it out beforehand?
It would’ve been an issue for me.
I think you need to be thankful that you might get a bit of help with childcare when baby no 2 comes along and not write them all off in this over dramatic way.

You seem to interpret everything- and respond - in the most dramatic way possible.

Personally a potty in the lounge wouldn't overly bother me, but it was their lounge, so their rules and it's not unreasonable that it did bother them. It was rude that you/your DH told them that this was happening rather than asking, and ruder still that your DH argued with them about it. None of this was a comment/judgement about your parenting and the fact that you interpret it that way is - as my teenagers would say - a you problem.

The fact that you both then took yourselves off to outside and then to the car to strop/sulk was completely unnecessary, over-dramatic and created a scene. During all this your ILs were left caring for your son who both his parents seem to have completely forgotten about in their self-created drama over the potty. GMIL didn't come outside to "confront" you - she came outside to try to rectify the situation, and to stop you acting like over-dramatic idiots.

You criticise your GMIL for then coming out to the car and not respecting your personal space. What did you expect to happen? You and then your DH had flounced off to the car creating a big scene like over-dramatic teenagers - leaving them looking after your toddler. At this point they were damned if they did and damned if they didn't. If they had allowed your DS to open his presents and given him lunch, just leaving you in the car, no doubt you'd have been annoyed by that too. The only alternative was to leave your poor son sat there looking at his presents while his mummy and daddy were acting like a complete drama queens and not thinking about him at all. GMIL did what she could to rectify the situation and still you paint her as in the wrong.

The comment about being over-sensitive was ill-judged. You were clearly and obviously over-sensitive, mentioning it was never going to go down well, but I suspect by this point they were all sick of pandering to you.

GMIL then places her hands on you. Given your overdramatic interpretation of every other aspect of this interaction I do have to question what happened here. You say she pushed you. Did she really give you a shove as if she was going to push you over? Or did the octogenarian put a hand on your back and try to guide you into the lounge? When she did, why not just go? Your toddler is in there waiting to open his presents. Why not remember that the focus should be on him and his needs and not create another scene? But, no instead, you strop off yo the kitchen.

It's really telling what your DS said here. The three year old saw you as the one shouting. Not his great grandma. Not his grandma. You. You were the one he felt he had to calm down. Maybe reflect on that for a while.

After all this selfish, over-dramatic behaviour from you, your poor son eventually got to open his presents and your ILs very kindly let your behaviour go and moved onto have a good day. When you got home you didn't text to apologise or to thank them for hosting. Instead they sent a kind text - and still they are in the wrong to you.

No you don't go no contact. You give your head a wobble, pick up the phone and apologise to them for the completely unnecessary scene you created. Also start prioritising your son's needs rather than your own desire for drama.

I think people are missing the point here. Potty or no potty if they are shouting at you, starting arguments and criticising everything you do that's not ok. They aren't considering that you're pregnant and aren't sympathetic to the challenges of raising a toddler.

I would definitely avoid them until after you've given birth. Consider them coming to yours instead so you can have the setup as you like. And set it as a short visit. If they're still overly critical I'd politely say this doesn't seem to work for you but we'd love to see you there's a great hotel x. Give you a bit of peace.

However if they're disrespect to OH they're his parents he needs boundaries for that. My mil can be like that but I just walk away. Unless theirs shouting or inappropriate conversation infront of the kids. Then I'll say something like come on kids, they're having one of those serious grown up conversations, let's play upstairs.

@JurassicFantastic
Absolutely nailed it!

Potty training aside, as enough people have commented on it it’s getting repetitive and boring now, the woman should not have pushed you, pregnant or not.
It sounds like an argument would have occurred over anything tbh. I’d be having a chat with my husband about where to go from here - sounds like a frank conversation is needed with the ILs for you all to set some boundaries, if they’d be receptive.

OK, well, even if they are wrong, you are in their house and they are allowed to set limits in their own home, even if you don't like it. I used to let my children eat on their laps on the couch if it was something not messy. My mother insisted they eat at a little table she had set up. I didn't think it was necessary but her house, her rules.

I had a potty in my living room at home but wouldn't have done it in someone else's home. I'd have moved it if I had visitors too. My child is also entitled to some privacy. If your son is still in a transitional phase then nappies may be needed for longer outings.

If it was my grandchild I would suck up the potty in the living room. Were there other guests MIL maybe didn't want to be subjected to poos in the living room during Christmas?

The potty is where the trouble started. You were rude and wrong to insist. Can't you see that?

I'm potty training a 3 year old boy - I would never be so presumptuous (and entitled) to assume plonking a potty in someone else's lounge would be ok. Probably is a generational thing but my mum and older generation never went with the whole potty in the room scenario

(I don't need outdated advice on how it should be done).

You obviously do. He should be able to hold it a few seconds now to get him upstairs.

@JurassicFantastic
Hit the nail on the head.
You sound like a drama queen, stopping off to the kitchen, car , kitchen. You didn't seem to think of your poor DS and what he was witnessing.
To me potty in someone's living room is a no . Lots of little ones have accidents but if they can't hold it until your in the bathroom then I'm afraid to me there not 100% ready . But I'm a little old fashioned potty training is making it to the toilet not having a potty shoved under them the second they need to go.
I think you're looking for a reason to go no contact , if it wasn't this it would have been something else.

This sounds so unnecessarily dramatic. The sitting in the car etc., is very over the top and seems a little attention seeking. Your DHs family do not sound like people I would want to spend time with either.

The only thing I would say about the potty situation (which I know you don't want to hear) is that perhaps it would be nice for your son to have some privacy from other family members while he is learning.

well you're going to get it anyway because it is tied to the events that happened.

Again: i don't want any shit in my living room and i don't understand why you think that's a strange position for your family to take.

I feel for u op as whatever has happened before u are expecting criticism and are ready to react. But older people can be very set in their ways and not so aware of new ways to parent. U seem to be reacting to the way they speak as well? Is there some hidden trauma there for u? Something that has happened before?
learning ways to calm and diffuse the situation would be good. Replying to any comments in a low measured voice so it all doesn’t escalate and don’t run away when the going gets tough! We all have to let things slide sometimes for some peace! Try and take the emotion out of things and u will see why it all seems a bit ott!! Good luck

You both completely set off on the wrong foot plonking the potty down in the lounge. Yes you are overbearing as well.

For those of you saying they wouldn't mind a potty in the living room...
Eeww
Would you allow your pets to poo in your living room?

Best response.

Yes absolutely.

If you had visitors and your husband’s nan wanted to set up a commode in the corner of your lounge all day, because she can’t always make it to the loo quickly at her age, would you think that was fine?

Why do so many people seem to think that shit and piss that come out of a toddler is somehow different from shit and piss that come out of an adult? It is literally the exact same substance. Just because it’s your kid and you’re not bothered, that doesn’t mean everyone else will be OK with it.

I don’t care what you do in your own house but no, I’m not having a bloody three year old doing his business in my living room, thanks. It’s absolutely rank. It’s unhygienic and it smells.

It does sound like it got way out of control with a lot over sensitivity. I'm not excusing the 80 yr old but they're rarely subtle. If you're mil was looking after the ds , I'm not surprised she wasn't getting involved. As for the potty debacle, pull up pants, regular trips to the loo and potty stashed in the hall. It's never easy with family and I've come to the conclusion that with elderly relatives it's a case of brace yourself and cover the kids ears. Maybe limited contact for the sake of all involved.

This reminds me of our last big family holiday. Dniece and Dnephew were potty training their DD and would- in the living room with everyone in it - sit her down on it, put a video on about pooing and Dnephew would make straining pooing sounds to encourage her.

Thankfully it didn't seem to work as she got over excited by all the attention and people around, so we weren't subjected to the actual smell of shit.

We put up with it because I guess we were in shock, but I'd like to think if the scenario repeated itself we would have said something. Hence why the GPs didn't want the potty in the lounge second time round.

I'm really sorry but you sound overly sensitive so I'm with your gran on this and yuk to potty in lounge

Tbh you all sound pathetic! Clearly toilet training isn't going that well if he is still using a potty at 3 years old and can't make it to a bathroom in the house! They had every right to say that it was not going in the living room as that's disgusting! They shouldn't be shouting and shoving though but seriously how hard can an elderly lady shove you? They need to learn to communicate properly and you need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around you and your child!

My kids are all grown up now , but I cannot for the life of me imagine anyone bringing a potty to my house and thinking it's fine for their child to take a shit in my living room Gross .

Because part of potty training is using the actual toilet so potty goes in bathroom..A 3 year old at a nursery would go to the toilet, a potty wouldn't be left out where they're playing. Beyond the first week or so when you toilet train in your own home.