To limit contact with in laws?

[amumfromliverpool]

We had a huge argument on boxing day and I don't feel like I can be around them anymore and I certainly don't want them around my son without me there.

For some context before I get into the issue...

We visited my husband's family for Christmas on boxing day. His family consists of his Mum and his Nan (who is in her 80s). Our family is me, my husband and our 3 yo son.

My in laws are very opinionated, judgemental and always think they know best. They never apologise and always sweep things under the rug saying it's water under the bridge.

They speak to my husband terribly and don't respect his opinions on anything they shout at him and tell him what to do.

On their first visit a couple of weeks after our son was born they showed up, criticised almost everything we were going to the point that I took my son upstairs to escape as I was so upset.

I started potty training our son in mid-December and it's been going great, everything we've done to date has worked really well and he's gaining confidence every day.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our second child.

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We showed up at their house on boxing day, my husband walked into the lounge with the potty and set it down somewhere out of the way. Straight away his Nan started shouting that she wouldn't have the potty in the lounge, that it goes in the bathroom (WTF?). My husband tried to explain that my son wouldn't be able to hold in until the bathroom which would result in lots of accidents but she continued to shout about she raised two children and that's how it's done etc etc.

I had already left the room at this point as I can't stand being told how to parent when I know how well our son is thriving and has been doing do well with potty training (I don't need outdated advice on how it should be done).

My husband then went outside to get out of the situation and get some air because he wasn't being listened to. She then came and confronted us telling us we were being silly and to come into the lounge, lots of other things were said but I can't really remember it all now to be honest I was so wound up.

We were trapped in the kitchen with his Nan who continued to confront us, so I asked my husband for the car keys so that I could get out of the situation and calm down (bearing in mind... I'm 7 months pregnant). I went and sat in the car on their drive and could hear my heart thumping it was beating so hard in my chest.

My husband came out to join me then a few minutes later his Nan came out, came to my door, opened it and started to confront me again telling me to come inside, it was too much in my personal space and made me really uncomfortable. Anyway I ended up telling her that the way that she and my husband's mum speak to him is terrible and really disrespectful which she was dismissed.

We all ended up back inside, I had agreed to go in the lounge because our son was waiting for his presents. Just as I turned to go into the lounge she threw a dig saying 'I've never known people to be so sensitive' referring to me and my husband. So I turned to her and said something along the lines of, I'm not doing this, why did you make that comment. She then put her hands on me and started trying to push me into the lounge (I'm just going to throw in a reminder... I'm 7 months pregnant...) I just put my hands up like a surrender move and squeezed past her into the kitchen again where I got the excuse of 'sometimes I say things and I don't mean them' which I said was unacceptable and she should take responsibility for what she had said and how it makes people feel.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my 3 yo son came to me in the kitchen and hugged me and said 'mummy upset, mummy shout' I explained that I was upset and shouldn't have got angry (I wasn't shouting but we were arguing and voices were raised). He then went back into the lounge to my MIL and repeated the same thing which she didn't respond to.

Anyway, we all went into the lounge for my son to open his presents, me and my husband put all of our upset and frustration to one side to be civil and it wasn't mentioned for the rest of the time we were there. In fact my MIL didn't mention it at all, she didn't say anything to her mother about her behaviour not did she ask me or my husband if we were ok which I found very strange and detached.

She even text my husband to ask if we got home safe and said thank you for presents and didn't mention it!

I don't know where to go from here and I can't stop thinking about it, hence this lengthy post (sorry!).

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family. I've arranged days out and invited them to our house for special occasions and I keep in touch with my MIL about our son via text, sending pictures etc. but I feel like I don't want to do any of that anymore.

I certainly don't want to visit them at their house given that they seem to think that gives them free reign to tell us how to parent.

I know that I don't want my son spending time with them without me there. He has previously stayed over at their house once a month - which is the only time they see him (they live 30 minutes away but barely come to visit).

I'm happy for my husband and son to have a relationship with them, but I don't feel like I want to be involved anymore - am I being unreasonable?

I know that they will blame me for this entirely and not see their fault in this at all. My husband has only ever stood up up them on things since being with me.

Had anyone been through something similar? Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry again for the lengthy post!

sorry, but it sounds like you were looking for any excuse to have a strop and go no contact as what happened really sounds petty, you sound a drama queen and very precious.

When you were asked not to put the potty in the living room, they weren’t casting aspersions on your parenting - they were letting you know it wasn’t acceptable in someone else’s house. You can crack on and have the potty in any room you like in your house but you don’t have the right to do that anywhere you go.

Are you the sort of people who plonk a potty down in the middle of a restaurant because your darling offspring can’t make it to the toilet? By the way, if your child can’t hold it 30 seconds to the loo - they aren’t ready for pants.

You massively overreacted. Want a bloody soap opera, taking yourselves out to sit in the car! I bet they thoroughly regret inviting you round.

I honestly think you're hormonal and oversensitive. Why so much drama? I wouldn't like a potty in my living room either. Never did with my own children ao definitely dont want any pee on my carpet from someone elses

I think your responses were out of proportion and escalated the situation provoking your in laws. Yes she shouldn't have responded in that way but neither should you its all so unnecessary

Not wanting a potty in their lounge isn't preaching... coffee and the smell of shit /pee isn't a hosts dream is it? If your ds can't make it from 1 room to the next he isn't ready for pants.

Hmm. I don't think the potty in the living room is a good example. I'd hate that too.

I don't think that proves them to be overbearing or unreasonable.

I think it's clear there is a huge backstory here, given how quickly all of you went from 0 to raised voices, walking out angry, etc! Because of that, I think you should probably stop visiting them at their house. It's not good for your children to witness that atmosphere.

This particular example probably wasn't your best one to go with as I agree with other people who are saying it was a reasonable request to ask for the potty to be removed. If nan has used a polite tone would you have accepted that?

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family

Stop doing that.

You’ve seen now why he minimises his time and effort with them so stop pushing and let him find his natural comfort point with them.

But you were being oversensitive on this issue. That's what me and other posters are trying to tell you.

They just didn't want the potty in the living room.

The fact you can't see it is telling.

God what a bunch of uptight mumsnetters on here tonight. What is everyones problem. I wouldn't and don't have a problem with a potty in the lounge. We've had 1 in the lounge, 1 in the bedroom before. What's the alternative, letting him pee/poo all over their carpet? You should have let him do that.
Not all kids can be magically potty trained in 3 days. My son wasn't, took 6 weeks. He also takes a daily dose of laxative for constipation, so if I hadnt had a potty in the lounge he would have redecorated it. We didnt visit other people during this period.
We were supposed to spend Christmas with in-laws but decided to stay home so we don't have to be made to feel like shit about our parenting choices. All of MIL kids were potty trained by 2......yeh right. Sure.
Limit your contact with in laws. Tell then your kid comes first and if you can't parent how you want to then you're not visiting. It was your Christmas too and you shouldn't have to spend it managing other people's expectations.

Sounds like a massive overreaction on your and your husbands part to the extremely reasonable request not to have a potty in the living room (really, why would you do that?!? 🤢)

You do seem extremely oversensitive, however if you both have an issue with his family why keep contact? Life’s too short for staying in contact with people you can’t stand, and you definitely cannot stand your DHs family by the sounds of it

Have all the fights been like this one before? Because like others are pointing out the things escalated more than what it should have. The in laws weren’t telling you how to parent , they were setting boundaries in their own home and you escalated it

go no contact with them if you’re unhappy with their behaviour but please learn that others might have boundaries you’re not happy with and you still have to respect them

100% will get tipped over onto the carpet.

They just don't think it's appropriate and needs to go in the bathroom.

@PeekABoo22 You've hit the nail on the head regarding there being a much bigger back story, thank you for seeing that.

Nope I agree, the potty training example is too much of a hot topic for people. Absolutely no issue with moving the potty if it had been a simple conversation rather than someone shouting as soon as it was placed down.

We had been there the week before and had the potty in the lounge and nothing was said. Me and my husband are reasonable people and have no issue working around it.

It's a pattern of behaviour that has gone on for a long time and perhaps the final straw for me.

Didn't ask for an opinion on whether my son is ready for pants. Thanks

Thank you!!

But you said you didn't visit other people during this period so not the same at all.

More to this of course, but on point, of course OP is YABU and looking for drama.

I think you contact both of them one more and say "I don't like being shouted at. Whether that is how you communicate with each other normally is neither here nor there. I will not tolerate any of my family being shouted at and the moment you raise your voice at any of us, we, as a family, will be leaving."

And then do that.

It will be a huge shame to cut off all ties, but if they are a shorty family they won't see anything wrong in their behaviour.

Go to theirs and walk out the moment they shout, and don't return until they apologise. Rinse and repeat.

If they refuse to apologise after having this explained, refuse to go back.

Take the high road and give them another chance, but place them on notice as to what the outcome will be if they shout at any of you.

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family. I've arranged days out and invited them to our house for special occasions and I keep in touch with my MIL about our son via text, sending pictures etc. but I feel like I don't want to do any of that anymore.

Then don’t! That part is very simple.

If your husband picks up the slack, then you might have to decide if you want to go with him or not.

I remember my sister putting a potty in the living room at my aunt’s house. One of her children poohed in it and it stunk for ages. I thought it was absolutely grim! I think maybe staying home til you’ve completed training might be polite. I never said anything to my sister, but it must have been twenty years ago and I still remember how revolting it was.

You wrote “We had been there the week before and had the potty in the lounge and nothing was said. Me and my husband are reasonable people and have no issue working around it.”

The week before wasn’t Christmas week though, with guests/family/visitors popping in.

I don’t care if there’s a back story. Based on this situation, I think you and your DH need to decide whether you want to or will apologise to the people you were visiting for the way you went on. I also think they should apologise to you for following you around and carrying on the discussion/argument when you had tried to walk away from the conversation.

Ahh, another op who only wants to hear that they’re not being unreasonable and then drip feeds other horrible things the in laws have done, when most responses tell them they’re being completely unreasonable.

No potties in the lounge, kitchen, dining room, also no changing nappies.

started trying to push me into the lounge (I'm just going to throw in a reminder... I'm 7 months pregnant... And she is a woman's in her 80's.
Equal pushing values I imagine.
And btw Whisperingangel22, my 3 were all potty trained by 2. Different DC are ready at different times.

I wouldn’t want a potty in my living room. I don’t think she was being unreasonable about that. I think people forget sometimes that it’s actual poo and wee that comes out of their children and there are appropriate and inappropriate places for a potty and nappy changes in general.

Everything that happened after was all quite dramatic really.

I don’t understand why you didn’t just ask about the potty in the lounge, it’s polite to not assume even it it was acceptable previously.

I also don’t understand the yo-yoing in the kitchen, car, outside and living room. Tempers were clearly frayed, the tension must have been unbearable, your son picked up on it and rather than actually leaving you were insistent on opening your child’s presents!

there was lots of poor behaviour all around. Probably for all your sakes and your dh mental health it would be best to severely limit contact.