To limit contact with in laws?

[amumfromliverpool]

We had a huge argument on boxing day and I don't feel like I can be around them anymore and I certainly don't want them around my son without me there.

For some context before I get into the issue...

We visited my husband's family for Christmas on boxing day. His family consists of his Mum and his Nan (who is in her 80s). Our family is me, my husband and our 3 yo son.

My in laws are very opinionated, judgemental and always think they know best. They never apologise and always sweep things under the rug saying it's water under the bridge.

They speak to my husband terribly and don't respect his opinions on anything they shout at him and tell him what to do.

On their first visit a couple of weeks after our son was born they showed up, criticised almost everything we were going to the point that I took my son upstairs to escape as I was so upset.

I started potty training our son in mid-December and it's been going great, everything we've done to date has worked really well and he's gaining confidence every day.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our second child.

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We showed up at their house on boxing day, my husband walked into the lounge with the potty and set it down somewhere out of the way. Straight away his Nan started shouting that she wouldn't have the potty in the lounge, that it goes in the bathroom (WTF?). My husband tried to explain that my son wouldn't be able to hold in until the bathroom which would result in lots of accidents but she continued to shout about she raised two children and that's how it's done etc etc.

I had already left the room at this point as I can't stand being told how to parent when I know how well our son is thriving and has been doing do well with potty training (I don't need outdated advice on how it should be done).

My husband then went outside to get out of the situation and get some air because he wasn't being listened to. She then came and confronted us telling us we were being silly and to come into the lounge, lots of other things were said but I can't really remember it all now to be honest I was so wound up.

We were trapped in the kitchen with his Nan who continued to confront us, so I asked my husband for the car keys so that I could get out of the situation and calm down (bearing in mind... I'm 7 months pregnant). I went and sat in the car on their drive and could hear my heart thumping it was beating so hard in my chest.

My husband came out to join me then a few minutes later his Nan came out, came to my door, opened it and started to confront me again telling me to come inside, it was too much in my personal space and made me really uncomfortable. Anyway I ended up telling her that the way that she and my husband's mum speak to him is terrible and really disrespectful which she was dismissed.

We all ended up back inside, I had agreed to go in the lounge because our son was waiting for his presents. Just as I turned to go into the lounge she threw a dig saying 'I've never known people to be so sensitive' referring to me and my husband. So I turned to her and said something along the lines of, I'm not doing this, why did you make that comment. She then put her hands on me and started trying to push me into the lounge (I'm just going to throw in a reminder... I'm 7 months pregnant...) I just put my hands up like a surrender move and squeezed past her into the kitchen again where I got the excuse of 'sometimes I say things and I don't mean them' which I said was unacceptable and she should take responsibility for what she had said and how it makes people feel.

Somewhere in the middle of all of this my 3 yo son came to me in the kitchen and hugged me and said 'mummy upset, mummy shout' I explained that I was upset and shouldn't have got angry (I wasn't shouting but we were arguing and voices were raised). He then went back into the lounge to my MIL and repeated the same thing which she didn't respond to.

Anyway, we all went into the lounge for my son to open his presents, me and my husband put all of our upset and frustration to one side to be civil and it wasn't mentioned for the rest of the time we were there. In fact my MIL didn't mention it at all, she didn't say anything to her mother about her behaviour not did she ask me or my husband if we were ok which I found very strange and detached.

She even text my husband to ask if we got home safe and said thank you for presents and didn't mention it!

I don't know where to go from here and I can't stop thinking about it, hence this lengthy post (sorry!).

It's always been me that has pushed my husband to call and keep in touch with his family. I've arranged days out and invited them to our house for special occasions and I keep in touch with my MIL about our son via text, sending pictures etc. but I feel like I don't want to do any of that anymore.

I certainly don't want to visit them at their house given that they seem to think that gives them free reign to tell us how to parent.

I know that I don't want my son spending time with them without me there. He has previously stayed over at their house once a month - which is the only time they see him (they live 30 minutes away but barely come to visit).

I'm happy for my husband and son to have a relationship with them, but I don't feel like I want to be involved anymore - am I being unreasonable?

I know that they will blame me for this entirely and not see their fault in this at all. My husband has only ever stood up up them on things since being with me.

Had anyone been through something similar? Any advice would be appreciated. Sorry again for the lengthy post!

Just because the other people didn't ask you to move the potty from their living room doesn't mean they're ok with it.

I had a friend do this at our house four or five years ago- DH and I still talk about how gross (and frankly presumptive) it was. We have three children. I'd never do this to anyone.

Her house, if she doesn't want a potty in the living room then it's not about 'your parenting' so much as 'her not wanting excrement in her living room'.

The correct response to 'that potty can't be in my living room' is 'I'm sorry, where would you like it put?'

You all sound very dramatic, going from zero to 100. Shouting and storming out instead of speaking normally.

They shouldn't have followed you to the car. They shouldn't have physically tried to move you anywhere.

You can have boundaries about what you'll tolerate but likewise you need to respect theirs.

You were unreasonable , a potty is not acceptable in the sitting room, except perhaps in your own home, if you are potty training.

I would never do this in someone’s house that I was visiting.

Put it all down to your hormones, apologise and forget about it.

You are a drama lama OP

If I was the in-laws I would be avoiding you.

What have I read 🤣 Potty in living room is fine in your own home in early training, but other than childcare locations, is not OK without prior discussion! You can't just whip one out and set it up without without a heads up.

Also 7 months pregnant, over Christmas, seems likely to lead to set backs? I have a 3 year age gap too, older wasn't ready until 3.5, and then one morning moved himself to pants. No accidents, no fuss, no living room potties. We do have one in the bedroom for overnight though.

Your in laws do also sound a nightmare. But I'm a people pleaser so would likely avoid rather than obvious no contact. What are your expectations for these monthly sleepovers (if I've read that right) now that child is potty training?

No way would I allow someone to put a potty in my living room, especially if we were sitting in there having nibbles.

Feom what you've written it really seems it was firstly your husband and then you being dramatic and shouty.

Imagine stopping your child seeing their gran because she didn't want a potty in her living room.

Potty in your own sitting room is fine. Potty in someone else's sitting room over Christmas is not fine. I don't think it's them imposing their views on you, it's you imposing on them in this case. After that it all sounds ridiculously dramatic by everyone. Hard to know if you are justified in feeling aggravated by your in-laws beyond this incident without knowing the backstory. I think with a baby on the way though you may want family around sometimes so be cautious about how you go from here.

I can’t help thinking the location of the potty is a minor detail in all this.

Two sides to every story and I expect theirs would be about a dil who disrespects their boundaries and tried to ruin Christmas. The reality is probably somewhere in the middle between in-laws version and yours.
Try not to take it to heart and stay calm with them. They are family.

YABU and you should apologise to MIL for overreacting. Blame hormones.

At 3 he should be going to the toilet. Put him in pull ups if you are worried he won’t make it. Disgusting to have a potty where everyone else is. A child doing their business especially a poo in company is not nice. You have done this in other peoples houses too? Gosh that’s nit normal at all. If he was in a nursery he would have to go to a bathroom there wouldn’t be potty’s dotted about just in case lol.

Probably not relevant, but we never used a potty. When dd was just gone three we tried and she pretty much got it in two weeks without a potty.
Other dd 3 5. A few night issues.

I think trying too young causes all this stress. Having said that dd 2 friend got it very early. Go what child wants

I've 4 kids
I've never even bought a potty ,I waited untill they were ready and they went from nappy to using the toilet with a seat and a step.
Why would you want everyone watching him urinate or poo in their lounge
He's not the entertainment,give him some bloody privacy.
No one would be setting a potty up in my lounge ..u are massively unreasonable

Honestly OP, unless there's a huge back story, it just sounds like a normal family row over absolutely nothing. We can all have them!

Firstly, them asking you to not put the potty in the living room is not them telling you 'how to parent' that's them saying that in their home they don't want a potty in the living room. I wouldn't want one in my living room either! I'd ask you to put it somewhere out of sight but within easy reach (like a hallway or downstairs loo). I honestly don't want to sit there with a cup of tea, watching a 3 year old have a poo or a wee.

The rest just all seems like a big escalation when maybe someone should have said, 'ok, deep breaths, let's start over'. Instead tempers flared, people stropped off and it all got ugly.

Families can be like that! Let it go, life is too short. And next time ask permission instead of just assuming you can plonk the potty where you want.

Your husband started all of this by putting a potty in the living room and arguing when asked to move it

I would ask as well. No potty in my living room. If necessary put it in the hall or something, or better yet the bathroom as requested

the Nan is in her 80s and obviously set in her ways, you need to account for thay

but to be honest you sound like hard work

Fuck Xmas and families.

Starting to potty train mid December is a ridiculous idea anyway

Er..toddlers should only sit on a potty outside of the toilet when you potty train young (example my DS was 12 mths old). By 3 your son should be able to hold it in and if he can’t you need medical advice

It's so annoying when overbearing in-laws feel they know best but can't seem to grasp the fact your children are not theirs to parent. I completely sympathise with you. Tell them that due to their behaviour and the disrespectful way they choose to speak to you and DH, you will be taking a break from them for the time being and they are to leave you alone. Don't visit them and don't allow them to visit you. This doesn't have to be permanent but you don't need the stress right now. You only have weeks to go in your pregnancy, protect your peace and your happiness and don't entertain those that don't bring happiness to your life. You don't owe them anything.

Gross

You all sound bonkers
Yep, why not just have moved the potty elsewhere rather than walking out when the Nan said she didn’t want it in there?

Then it sounds like the Nan was trying to diffuse the situation but you went & sat in the car? So much drama for nothing, what’s the point?

No they don't sound overbearing.

If they commented on that in your house that might be out of line but many people I know would be unhappy about a potty in their own living room, certainly on Christmas Day when everyone is sitting around together and probably drinking / snacking.

I agree with the Nan about the potty. I would be horrified if someone did this in my home.
This started the argument so you have to take responsibility for that.
Its up to you if you go LC. Personally I’d weigh up if you want your dcs to have a relationship with their grandma or not.

This place 🙄

I'm not going to berate you about the location of the fucking potty because I have a not yet 2 yr old so haven't potty trained. I am also heavily pregnant so feel you on the emotional stuff.

while I believe family is important, I also believe it's not what you say it is how you say it and you do not have to have a close relationship with anyone you don't want to. In your shoes lowish contact is fine.

You want some serious practical advice:

• STOP reminding your husband text and call

• STOP sending any photos of updates. let your DH do all that.

• do not arrange ANY meet ups / days out with them on his behalf. If my DH wants a day our he sorts it now. Since I stopped we have done one (which I still half organised 😑) as he was so crap in almost 2 years.

• do NOT travel to them or take the children to them. Just say the travel is too much they are welcome to visit. When they complain just go with a generic repeated statement "your welcome at ours but the journey is too much as the baby gets car sick." "Good for Shelia driving to Scotland every other weekend, there's no way we could manage that with these two. Like I said you are welcome to visit"

I haven't been to my MILs for 2.5 sweet years and do not plan to for at least another 2.5+ .

• control the length of visits. "After 3 works best"

• if you and your DH don't like the overnights or your DS doesn't, stop them. If you all like it fine.. let your DH deal with them and arrange pick up and drop offs you do not get involved.

• STOP caring. they slag you off/"blame you"? SO what? Who cares?

You might as well have put a bucket in the corner of the lounge and took a pee and poo in it yourself. It's gross either way.

Literally what has the nursery comment got to do with anything!? Some preschools are for older, potty trained children. Majority of nurseries take babies e.g. 6 months and deal with nappies.

I’m so confused what the policy of your local nursery has anything to do with this thread. Are you trying to imply that 3yo is too old to be potty training? Because it’s not.