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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have mentioned that the dinner was burnt?

86 replies

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:10

DH was cooking dinner for us this evening (him, myself and our two teens).

He called us into the kitchen. There was a very strong smell of something burnt. He dished up the casserole and we all started to eat it. It tasted very burnt - everything, the chicken, sauce and vegetables were all permeated with a burnt taste.

I said to him (very respectfully) "Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking". DH looked really annoyed and was just silent. The dc couldn't eat theirs either. DH then asked the dc why they hadn't eaten theirs and the dc said it was because it tasted burnt, and then went on to say "but it's no problem, thank you very much for cooking it". DH just sat there looking angry. I said to him "Do you mind us saying this? I'm not sure why you're looking annoyed". He then said "Well what do you think I can do about it now? Do you want me to make you an omelette or something?"

The dc and I kept saying that it was fine, he didn't need to make anything else. When the dc went upstairs to their rooms he said to me "You didn't have to be so blunt, why did you have to mention it, what did you expect me to do?" I just said to him that if he had said to us "Sorry everyone, the casserole got burnt tonight, is everyone OK with beans on toast?" that would have been absolutely fine. The dc and I are very flexible.

This might sound like a minor event, but this kind of thing happens quite a lot, and it feels as if the dc and I have to keep thanking him, or apologising for things that aren't our fault! It's like he doesn't want to speak directly about things, and just wants to brush them under the carpet, and tells me that I'm too direct just for speaking honestly about things.

OP posts:

stillavid · 27/12/2023 19:12

I can see that he would be pretty annoyed if you said that to be fair. I mean you were probably right but if you have cooked supper it is quite annoying if someone points out there is something wrong with it.

Does he do all the cooking?

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 19:13

From the way you write this, your children come across as afraid of him (you too). That’s a very unpleasant and unhealthy environment to live in if so.

stillavid · 27/12/2023 19:13

But I may be influenced by the fact that I do all the cooking and have not stopped for the last few days so would be a tad over sensitive at the moment ;)

Renamed · 27/12/2023 19:14

The thing is burnt food like that is completely inedible, I can’t believe he just served it up and expected people to eat it and say nothing, that’s fucked up.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 27/12/2023 19:15

I do most of the cooking in our house and I have fluffed it now and again. I would be annoyed if the food was edible with just a slight taste but if it was inedible then of course I expect people to mention it (and definitely not eat it!). Is your husband usually a good cook?

LegoHeads · 27/12/2023 19:16

Depends how burnt it was. I once made a lasagne and burnt the white sauce but just left the burnt bit in the pan and thought I'd got away with it, but the burnt flavour permeated everything and made it inedible despite looking perfect. I certainly wouldn't have expected anyone to eat it- I was the one to say "this is disgusting!" and we had a laugh about it. So YANBU.

OTOH if it was just a bit overdone I wouldn't mention anything.

Sounds like you have bigger problems than a burnt casserole though. You shouldn't have to walk on eggshells.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:17

Oh it’s such a pain when you burn something like that - it does ruin the whole thing and you can’t ignore it. My DH would also be the type to think it didn’t matter and we should eat it cos he cooked it! It’s probably because he doesn’t cook often so he’s more sensitive about it going wrong and annoyed about the effort involved. My DH wouldn’t be a dick about it though if it really wasn’t nice. I’m sorry your DH isn’t able to take criticism.

SiennaMillar · 27/12/2023 19:18

If he’s anything like me, he’s sensitive because he’s already angry and disappointed at himself… without the need for anyone else to confirm his cooking error.

Original poster

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:18

stillavid · 27/12/2023 19:12

Does he do all the cooking?

I know what you mean, but I think I was so shocked about how inedible it was, and that he was eating his portion and clearly expected us to eat ours! I did say to him, thank you very much for cooking it, and I know things can get burnt, it wasn't his fault.

I don't know how I could not have pointed it out really, he asked the dc why they weren't eating theirs and then got annoyed when they said it was burnt!

We usually share the cooking, and have been to family the last couple of days so he didn't cook at all.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 27/12/2023 19:19

Sounds like your DH cannot stand any criticism, even when it's obvious something has gone wrong.

If you had cooked something and it was wrong would he say something?

CurlewKate · 27/12/2023 19:20

So he burnt the dinner and you were all too scared of him to mention it?does that sound OK to you?

festivepains · 27/12/2023 19:20

"Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking it is not at all normal to have to waffle and say it's no problem etc. Are you scared of him?

Original poster

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:21

@InfamousPartyAnimal Yes DH is usually a good cook. We always thank him for cooking and say we like his food.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:23

Can you give other examples of needing to apologise for things that aren’t your fault (to appease him) and thanking him excessively over and above the usual? Hie does he react if you don’t?

ALonelyRoad · 27/12/2023 19:23

Did he eat if, OP? Surely he could recognise himself that it wasn't pleasant and tasted burnt? I suppose he's upset at the criticism after spending the time trying to do something thoughtful. But I agree, if it tastes burnt and wasn't edible, then pointing it out us hardly worth a huge falling out over. I suspect, even if you hadn't said anything, that he would have noticed the full plates at the end of the meal and still ended up annoyed anyway.

Georgyporky · 27/12/2023 19:23

Does he not know to tip the pot upside down, so the good stuff falls out & the crud stays stuck. ?

Original poster

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:24

@LegoHeads Yes exactly, I have burnt something before and just apologised to everyone that there was no cooked dinner that evening and we made do with cereal and toast! It really wasn't a big deal.

It was definitely inedible rather than overdone. It all had that horrible burnt flavour.

OP posts:

MrsElsa · 27/12/2023 19:24

YABU to be so weird about him burning dinner!

Either you're being weirdly pass-agg or you're actually scared of him and therefore cannot call a spade a spade.

Either way YABVVVVVU. Horrendous example to set for DC. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 19:25

Why would he even serve it knowing it was burnt? I would have been pissed off with that rather than the actual buring of food.
Why can't he just throw his hands up and say OK, the casserole is ruined howabout an omelette, eggs on toast or whatever?
If you served up burnt food would he honestly just wolf it down and not mention it?

PaperDoIIs · 27/12/2023 19:26

The dynamics sound very weird in your house. Both you and the children seem to be walking on eggshells and choosing your words very carefully to avoid him getting angry. That is not normal or healthy.

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:28

festivepains · 27/12/2023 19:20

I agree that the communication is a bit odd. My house it would go

’Oh, I think it must have burned - it tastes like it caught on the bottom.’
’Do you think so? Oh no, sorry. Maybe I didn’t notice.’
’Don’t be offended but I think I might leave it - I can stick some toast or eggs on.’
’No, I’ll do it - it was my fault! Kids, don’t eat it if it’s no good. Do you want toast/eggs etc.’

Original poster

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:28

To the pps asking if I'm scared of him - I think I am scared of his moods to some extent. I don't know if scared is the right word, but I guess I just try to avoid doing or saying things that are going to lead to him being annoyed/ angry/ in a mood - basically to try to keep the peace and maintain harmony in the house.

OP posts:

WYorkshireRose · 27/12/2023 19:28

I said to him (very respectfully) "Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking"

Sounds like pretty patronising phrasing to me, I'd have been annoyed too.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 27/12/2023 19:30

The whole exchange sounds weird, asking him if it got burnt when it obviously was, possibly came off a bit passive aggressive.

DH went through a phase of making sauces and he once made one that was inedible, and he'd poured it over everything I said sorry but I can't eatthiss, he then admitted defeat but was insistent he'd not throw the sauce away (there was litres of it!) and he'd rescue it somehow. He did come to realise it wasn't salvageable.

Original poster

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:30

SiennaMillar · 27/12/2023 19:18

If he’s anything like me, he’s sensitive because he’s already angry and disappointed at himself… without the need for anyone else to confirm his cooking error.

I understand that, but I'm not sure what I was supposed to do. He would have asked me why I didn't eat my portion, and he did ask the dc - did he want us to lie, just so that he didn't feel he had made a mistake?!

OP posts:

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