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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have mentioned that the dinner was burnt?

86 replies

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:10

DH was cooking dinner for us this evening (him, myself and our two teens).

He called us into the kitchen. There was a very strong smell of something burnt. He dished up the casserole and we all started to eat it. It tasted very burnt - everything, the chicken, sauce and vegetables were all permeated with a burnt taste.

I said to him (very respectfully) "Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking". DH looked really annoyed and was just silent. The dc couldn't eat theirs either. DH then asked the dc why they hadn't eaten theirs and the dc said it was because it tasted burnt, and then went on to say "but it's no problem, thank you very much for cooking it". DH just sat there looking angry. I said to him "Do you mind us saying this? I'm not sure why you're looking annoyed". He then said "Well what do you think I can do about it now? Do you want me to make you an omelette or something?"

The dc and I kept saying that it was fine, he didn't need to make anything else. When the dc went upstairs to their rooms he said to me "You didn't have to be so blunt, why did you have to mention it, what did you expect me to do?" I just said to him that if he had said to us "Sorry everyone, the casserole got burnt tonight, is everyone OK with beans on toast?" that would have been absolutely fine. The dc and I are very flexible.

This might sound like a minor event, but this kind of thing happens quite a lot, and it feels as if the dc and I have to keep thanking him, or apologising for things that aren't our fault! It's like he doesn't want to speak directly about things, and just wants to brush them under the carpet, and tells me that I'm too direct just for speaking honestly about things.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 27/12/2023 19:32

I grew up in an eggshell house. Parent with trigger temper so we were taught to tip toe around her, mind what we said, fawn all over her to make her happy.

it has taken tears of therapy to undo the damage. It has held me back on lists of aspects of my life. I have struggled to stand up for myself and to call out others behaviours.

please be aware if the huge impact this is having on your children.

Original poster
Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:38

Re pps saying the whole communication sounds weird - I know it does. It's why I started the thread really.

Basically, I would have thought he would just have said that he burnt it. As he didn't, I had to mention it (to explain why I wasn't eating it). As I said, I didn't do it in a horrible way, I tried to be lighthearted about it. Instead of him being lighthearted about it back, he was initially silent, and then seemed irritated.

So yes the whole thing is weird. I generally can have direct conversations about things like this with family or friends, and no one gets offended or takes things personally, but my DH does seem to take these things personally.

Anyway, I know it seems like a big deal being made of all this, but tbh it is an ongoing pattern of communication, and I just was interested to hear people's views!

OP posts:
Abbimae · 27/12/2023 19:40

The whole conversation you had seems odd tbh

LoreleiG · 27/12/2023 19:40

I think the issue here is how crap your DH made you feel for mentioning it, which in my house would not be taken the wrong way (I burn plenty).

doriangraybutimthepaintingintheattic · 27/12/2023 19:41

MrsElsa · 27/12/2023 19:24

YABU to be so weird about him burning dinner!

Either you're being weirdly pass-agg or you're actually scared of him and therefore cannot call a spade a spade.

Either way YABVVVVVU. Horrendous example to set for DC. This is not what a healthy relationship looks like.

Agree with this. You said it looks and tastes burnt. No need to ask him if it's burnt... if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

There's no way you asked him as you've typed it out unless you're scared of him. Are you ok?

Original poster
Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:42

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 19:25

Why would he even serve it knowing it was burnt? I would have been pissed off with that rather than the actual buring of food.
Why can't he just throw his hands up and say OK, the casserole is ruined howabout an omelette, eggs on toast or whatever?
If you served up burnt food would he honestly just wolf it down and not mention it?

Yes, this exactly. I don't care at all about him (or anyone else) burning food, it can happen, we've all made mistakes.

It's why would he think it's ok to serve it? And as you say, why can't he throw his hands up and mention it?!

If I served burnt food, I'm not sure what he would do. Actually I think he would leave it, but not say why. He was brought up in a house where there was no direct communication, people did not say what they felt, and I think this is part of the problem.

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 19:43

stillavid · 27/12/2023 19:12

I can see that he would be pretty annoyed if you said that to be fair. I mean you were probably right but if you have cooked supper it is quite annoying if someone points out there is something wrong with it.

Does he do all the cooking?

What? But it’s obvious. And not to mention disgusting.

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 19:43

I'm surprised he didn't notice if he's usually a good cook

Hardbackwriter · 27/12/2023 19:47

He clearly shouldnt have got annoyed about it or expected you to eat something you found inedible, but there is a bit of subjectivity in what is 'too burnt'- I like a bit of a burnt taste (I cremate my toast) so have a higher tolerance for it than my DH does. He may genuinely have thought it was perhaps not great but not inedible. And 'this tastes burnt, is it burnt?' is really quite an annoying question to ask.

Original poster
Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:48

doriangraybutimthepaintingintheattic · 27/12/2023 19:41

Agree with this. You said it looks and tastes burnt. No need to ask him if it's burnt... if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.

There's no way you asked him as you've typed it out unless you're scared of him. Are you ok?

Show quote history

Maybe it does seem passive aggressive on my part. I think I asked him if he had burnt it as I couldn't quite believe he was serving something that tasted so awful. I was trying to do it in a tactful way, rather than just saying "This dinner is burnt". I couldn't understand why he was being silent and not mentioning it.

"There's no way you asked him as you've typed it out unless you're scared of him. Are you ok?" No, I definitely did say the same words as I've typed out. I am ok thanks, but as I mentioned, this is a patten of behaviour and I do think the dc and I tread on eggshells around him as he gets offended very easily.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:50

Basically, I would have thought he would just have said that he burnt it. As he didn't, I had to mention it (to explain why I wasn't eating it). As I said, I didn't do it in a horrible way, I tried to be lighthearted about it.

He’s the issue obviously. But he’s now got you tied up in knots so that your own communication is odd - you had to mention it but you should have just says ‘sorry, DH, I don’t think I can eat it, it tastes burnt.’ Instead of ‘did it burn? no problem if it did’ and so on - why say no problem? It is a problem!

Thefaceofboe · 27/12/2023 19:55

Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking"

This seems like such a formal thing to say to your husband, very patronising in my opinion

Topez2 · 27/12/2023 19:57

festivepains · 27/12/2023 19:20

"Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking it is not at all normal to have to waffle and say it's no problem etc. Are you scared of him?

This!

NumberTheory · 27/12/2023 19:58

"There's no way you asked him as you've typed it out unless you're scared of him. Are you ok?" No, I definitely did say the same words as I've typed out. I am ok thanks, but as I mentioned, this is a patten of behaviour and I do think the dc and I tread on eggshells around him as he gets offended very easily.

This is dysfunctional and a really bad environment for the kids. Has he always been like that or is this recent?

Hardbackwriter · 27/12/2023 19:59

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 19:50

Basically, I would have thought he would just have said that he burnt it. As he didn't, I had to mention it (to explain why I wasn't eating it). As I said, I didn't do it in a horrible way, I tried to be lighthearted about it.

He’s the issue obviously. But he’s now got you tied up in knots so that your own communication is odd - you had to mention it but you should have just says ‘sorry, DH, I don’t think I can eat it, it tastes burnt.’ Instead of ‘did it burn? no problem if it did’ and so on - why say no problem? It is a problem!

I agree with this. He is clearly the problem, and has you all acting oddly because you're walking on eggshells.

I said to him "Do you mind us saying this? I'm not sure why you're looking annoyed".

I think this is also a thing that would wind up almost anyone who was already feeling annoyed/moody, but again I can see how this is you trying to tiptoe around him.

Original poster
Appleangel · 27/12/2023 20:01

To just try to explain how I said it, as some people are saying it sounds weird/ patronising/ passive aggressive -

When I first asked DH "Did the casserole burn?" he didn't answer, just sat there silent and looked annoyed.
Then I said, to try to explain "It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking". Maybe that does come across as patronising, but I was trying to get the point across that I wasn't criticising him. All the while he was just silent.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 27/12/2023 20:03

Two of my dc are very susceptible to suggestion, so I'd be very careful not to say "this is burnt/salty/tastes funny" in front of them because they then wouldn't eat any more.
I'd be very irritated if dh had come in and said that because then they wouldn't have eaten what they were happy to eat if it hadn't been pointed out to them.

doriangraybutimthepaintingintheattic · 27/12/2023 20:05

What are your options here? It's not good for you or your kids to be on eggshells. It's a horrible feeling and you don't deserve it.

Have you ever told him how he makes you feel?

LaughingCat · 27/12/2023 20:09

Ok, totally understand you’re on eggshells around him (my mum sounds a very similar character and even at 40, I found myself dancing around at Christmas, trying not to make her upset). That means you do start talking obliquely instead of directly and it comes across as seriously patronising…because it is very obvious that you’re trying to manage him, both his emotions and reactions. These are reasonable responses to how he acts, but I can see how they might end up inflaming him even more.

It’s a very weird dynamic that you have, where you’re almost waiting for him to come down on you or the kids for something you say or do. I’d start with honesty, not accusing him of anything but just saying ‘when you do X, it makes me feel Y’, and seeing if you can find out how he’s feeling when he’s in a situation like this. Maybe if you can both understand each other, it will be easier fir you both to empathise with each other.

Or he could just be a controlling dick who makes everyone ill at ease in the house.

Sallyh87 · 27/12/2023 20:09

Cant really see how burnt it would be if you have to ask if it’s burnt? It can’t have been black and hard. Your method of asking would annoy me too. It was passive aggressive and condescending from what I can read, like you were talking to a child.

I am probably sensitive, coming off a week of cooking every night though.

CorvusPurpureus · 27/12/2023 20:10

Everyone's clearly scared of him. Not good.

I mean, if I'd cooked & everyone was pointing out that the food was burned, I'd be grumpy (at myself - I hate waste).

But no way would my teens have any compunction in saying 'sorry mum, you've incinerated this! I'll just grab some toast, ok?'

& then I'd make myself laugh & agree.

At worst I might have a bit of a pass-agg chunter about how I am VERY BUSY & therefore can't always maintain 5 Michelin star standards & wouldn't it be LOVELY if someone else bloody cooked occasionally...which the dc would nod sympathetically along to. Then someone would offer to order pizza.

You're all tiptoeing round him. That's worrying.

5128gap · 27/12/2023 20:11

If it were me I would have been irritated in the extreme by your approach. "Did something burn, because its OK..." when firstly you know full well it burnt because you could taste it. Secondly it clearly wasn't 'ok' if it was inedible. Personally I'd have been a lot less irritated by "I can't eat this, sorry, its burned" than all the faffing about.

uclpp · 27/12/2023 20:14

What a toddler he sounds

I have a dh and 2 teens. If anyone burns something, they say oh shit, I burnt it - what can be done - scrape off? transfer to another pan? eat something else? Not pretend it didn't happen. What a weirdo

GothConversionTherapy · 27/12/2023 20:15

Men really think they deserve a medal for doing anything at all around the house. And yes you all sound scared of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/12/2023 20:16

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:28

To the pps asking if I'm scared of him - I think I am scared of his moods to some extent. I don't know if scared is the right word, but I guess I just try to avoid doing or saying things that are going to lead to him being annoyed/ angry/ in a mood - basically to try to keep the peace and maintain harmony in the house.

It's alarming that you don't seem to grasp how fucked up and dysfunctional this is. You're walking on eggshells in your own home, as are your children, because your husband is a petulant man baby with a fragile ego. He sounds absolutely insufferable, and the dynamic between you is a horrible example for your kids.