Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have mentioned that the dinner was burnt?

86 replies

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:10

DH was cooking dinner for us this evening (him, myself and our two teens).

He called us into the kitchen. There was a very strong smell of something burnt. He dished up the casserole and we all started to eat it. It tasted very burnt - everything, the chicken, sauce and vegetables were all permeated with a burnt taste.

I said to him (very respectfully) "Did the casserole burn? It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking". DH looked really annoyed and was just silent. The dc couldn't eat theirs either. DH then asked the dc why they hadn't eaten theirs and the dc said it was because it tasted burnt, and then went on to say "but it's no problem, thank you very much for cooking it". DH just sat there looking angry. I said to him "Do you mind us saying this? I'm not sure why you're looking annoyed". He then said "Well what do you think I can do about it now? Do you want me to make you an omelette or something?"

The dc and I kept saying that it was fine, he didn't need to make anything else. When the dc went upstairs to their rooms he said to me "You didn't have to be so blunt, why did you have to mention it, what did you expect me to do?" I just said to him that if he had said to us "Sorry everyone, the casserole got burnt tonight, is everyone OK with beans on toast?" that would have been absolutely fine. The dc and I are very flexible.

This might sound like a minor event, but this kind of thing happens quite a lot, and it feels as if the dc and I have to keep thanking him, or apologising for things that aren't our fault! It's like he doesn't want to speak directly about things, and just wants to brush them under the carpet, and tells me that I'm too direct just for speaking honestly about things.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2023 20:16

Sallyh87 · 27/12/2023 20:09

Cant really see how burnt it would be if you have to ask if it’s burnt? It can’t have been black and hard. Your method of asking would annoy me too. It was passive aggressive and condescending from what I can read, like you were talking to a child.

I am probably sensitive, coming off a week of cooking every night though.

A casserole doesn't go hard and black. If it catches on the bottom, that bit will be. But the taste goes through everything.

OP, my suggestion is to stop communicating in the weird, hyper-sensitive way. DH is getting annoyed however you say things, so be direct. If he spits his dummy, that's his choice. You maintain normal communication.

HappyCamperTent · 27/12/2023 20:18

Does he cook much normally?… Or was this his ‘I’m an amazing husband, look at me cook dinner!’

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/12/2023 20:31

Sounds a lot like my DP - he is autistic, he does not take criticism well and he has had to learn that what for him is 'well done' is for me 'burned and inedible', he can eat things that taste frankly, fucking foul to me!

It has taken a long time for him to understand that when I say 'oh bums this tastes of burnt' or 'thats not well done, thats buggered' I am not criticising him, it happens to us all - but I am saying I can't eat it.

He will now offer the opinion that something is a bit too well done for me, would I like something else and not take offence if I agree. When we first moved in together, he would serve things up no matter HOW awful they looked, purely based on details like 'I cooked it for the length of time and the temp the pack/recipe said, therefore it MUST be done perfectly' which did cause some heated debates!

I can't wait to go back to cooking myself though, he also doesn't really see the point of the extra frilly bits on food, you know like vegetables on the side, flavourings... seasoning...

PaperDoIIs · 27/12/2023 20:33

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 19:28

To the pps asking if I'm scared of him - I think I am scared of his moods to some extent. I don't know if scared is the right word, but I guess I just try to avoid doing or saying things that are going to lead to him being annoyed/ angry/ in a mood - basically to try to keep the peace and maintain harmony in the house.

Did you not stop and think while you were typing that? That it's not normal or healthy, that the children are following in your footsteps now . That his moods come before everything.That's exactly why he served the food. Because he expected you all to put up and shut up.

Tonight1 · 27/12/2023 20:37

@HappyCamperTent apparently he's a good cook normally!

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/12/2023 20:42

"It is unsavoury to bring criticism to the table..." Words of my late Granny that I have always recalled

mathanxiety · 27/12/2023 20:46

Maybe he was brought up in a family where shaming the children was the norm and he is very sensitive to criticism as a result.

Not every child grows up in an environment where it is safe to make mistakes.

PaperDoIIs · 27/12/2023 20:55

mathanxiety · 27/12/2023 20:46

Maybe he was brought up in a family where shaming the children was the norm and he is very sensitive to criticism as a result.

Not every child grows up in an environment where it is safe to make mistakes.

The issue is he's breeding the same environment again. OP and the children have to choose their words very carefully not to make a mistake and set him off.

I'm very understanding of childhood trauma (been there ,got the tshirt and the mental and physical scars) , however that doesn't give us a free pass to be toxic ourselves.

WolvesDiscoandBoogaloo · 27/12/2023 20:56

I think you should be able to say to your own partner that something they've cooked is badly burnt. I don't think you should have to choose your words very carefully so you don't upset them or cause a row or sulking. And I definitely don't think you should be still analysing the wording later to make sure you've definitely done nothing wrong.

If I was a guest in someone's house and I was being polite, I'd eat whatever I was given. But if I'm behaving like a guest in someone's house around my husband, there's something very wrong in the marriage.

He sounds scary.

RowanMayfair · 27/12/2023 21:02

Yeah this is super weird. If I burnt or otherwise ruined dinner I wouldn't serve it. I'd make something else. I certainly wouldn't serve it up and get the hump when nobody liked it! He sounds like a bully.

LightSpeeds · 27/12/2023 21:03

Maybe, or he may be the type of bloke who won't apologise for anything but will get in a big strop when even a mishap is pointed out.

You'd think that most people would just apologise for burning the dinner and you'd all have a laugh about it! But some people can make this scenario impossible. (My ex was like this.)

moonbeammagic · 27/12/2023 21:18

The constant need to please and appease him is not normal OP, and it isn't healthy either.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 21:33

You and your kids have been conditioned to pussyfoot around him haven’t you? Otherwise he’s angry.

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 21:36

And it was his fault he burnt it. He was cooking and he fucked it up.

gooddayruby · 27/12/2023 22:18

Surely in a life-long loving partnership, one can say 'you've burnt the dinner you plonker' without anyone getting offended? This is the closest, most intimate relationship you will ever have and you can't point out when he's made a rather trivial mistake without tip-toeing around it? Sounds rubbish for you and dc OP. You're right to think that's not normal, you're not going insane!

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2023 22:35

Appleangel · 27/12/2023 20:01

To just try to explain how I said it, as some people are saying it sounds weird/ patronising/ passive aggressive -

When I first asked DH "Did the casserole burn?" he didn't answer, just sat there silent and looked annoyed.
Then I said, to try to explain "It's just that it tastes burnt. No problem at all if so, that's happened to me too when I've been cooking". Maybe that does come across as patronising, but I was trying to get the point across that I wasn't criticising him. All the while he was just silent.

I think the issue is - you didn’t need to ask if it burned. You just needed to state it tastes burnt.

You spent too long thinking and wondering about his reaction, and how to explain why you weren’t eating and making sure it sounded lighthearted and no blame attached, rather than stating the issue and letting him manage his own reaction. It’s him, not you. But now it’s you too because of him. You don’t need to convince us you were trying to be nice not passive aggressive - you’re not at fault, no one thinks that. Except perhaps you. And you only think that because you’ve been trained not to trust your own instincts of normal communication and doubt yourself.

mondaytosunday · 28/12/2023 00:29

You seem to be bending over backwards to not offend him. Like he's some sort of bomb just waiting to be set off - and your kids are doing it to by reassuring hind it's all fine! It's not. You should be able to say the meal is not good and you will whip up something or get a takeaway. You can say it in a way that's not hurtful -we've all had disasters in the kitchen. If you are so worried about his reaction there's more going on here.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2023 00:34

Yes, I agree @PaperDoIIs
At some point an adult has to start developing self awareness and raising his or her game.

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 00:58

mathanxiety · 27/12/2023 20:46

Maybe he was brought up in a family where shaming the children was the norm and he is very sensitive to criticism as a result.

Not every child grows up in an environment where it is safe to make mistakes.

Then he needs to develop the self awareness to break the cycle

CandyLeBonBon · 28/12/2023 00:59

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/12/2023 20:42

"It is unsavoury to bring criticism to the table..." Words of my late Granny that I have always recalled

It's unsavoury to be forced to eat inedible food as well!

GrumpyPanda · 28/12/2023 01:18

I did say to him, thank you very much for cooking it, and I know things can get burnt, it wasn't his fault.

What a weird thing to say - of course it was his fault, it certainly wasn't anyone else's! Sounds like he's the type of perfectionist who sees any mistake as a moral failing, and therefore the rest of you isn't allowed to see one either. Incredibly unhealthy.

Zanina · 28/12/2023 01:28

Yes I think he wanted you to lie and condition the children to lie as well. Your comment was said very respectfully, but it's "irrelevant" because he feels like you shouldn't have raised it at all. Therefore which ever tone you used, he was always going to find something wrong with it.

sandyhappypeople · 28/12/2023 01:43

The way you describe bringing it up sounds really patronising, passive aggressive and weird to be fair, but he sounds overly sensitive about it.

I'm also having a hard time believing that a casserole that has caught on the bottom would taste as bad as you're describing to the point of being inedible, especially if you can't see any burnt bits in it, so I would think you were being a tad dramatic. I wonder if the kids would have ate it if you hadn't have said anything, maybe that's what's caused his annoyance?

Your relationship doesn't sound very healthy at all though that you can't just have a laugh about burnt food and have something else instead.

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/12/2023 02:00

"I did say to him, thank you very much for cooking it, and I know things can get burnt, it wasn't his fault."

It was his fault though, wasn't it? Food only burns if the person cooking it puts the heating up too high or takes their eye off the ball.
Having said that, it's not the end of the world.

I cook for a living and occasionally fuck up - to err is human after all.

But I'm the first person to announce my mistakes. It's one thing to screw up in the kitchen, but quite another to not recognise when your food is inedible, because that would make you a terrible cook!

Isittimeformynapyet · 28/12/2023 02:07

"tears of therapy" is an excellent typo!