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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have called this man ‘my friend’?

47 replies

SpaghettiBeaver · 27/12/2023 17:01

We’ve been ‘dating’ I guess, for a year, spend every other weekend in each others house, he’s recently met my children a few times casually. Spend a lot of time with each other friends, and have spoken about the future a bit.

We are in our 30s so I think boyfriend/girlfriend sounds a bit immature?

We don’t live together or share finances or anything that would in my mind qualify us as partners.

He was a bit put out that I introduced him to a work colleague as my friend.

But I honestly don’t know what else to call him?

OP posts:

Olika · 27/12/2023 17:21

No no no you cannot call him a friend.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/12/2023 17:23

Good opportunity to have a chat about your relationship, it looks like you might not be on the same page.
If someone had called me "a friend" after a year, I would have been upset too. Unless it's been agreed to be a non-commited relationship, I would expect partner or bf/gf.

I agree that bf sounds a bit daft in your 30s, and I hated using it, but it's still the best word for it (we started using 'partner' when we moved in together)

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 17:26

That’s poor behaviour OP. I would imagine he is reevaluating whether you are still “friends” or not now.

swimsong · 27/12/2023 17:27

Main Squeeze?

Devonshiregal · 27/12/2023 17:28

You’re just not that in to him are you op? If you’re being honest with yourself?

CommonOrNot · 27/12/2023 17:34

I’d be binning you. How rude and inconsiderate?
he must feel a tit especially after meeting your kids.

Original poster

SpaghettiBeaver · 27/12/2023 17:36

Thank you for the feedback. It’s good to know I’m in the minority.. I will apologise.

I don’t know if I can bring myself to say boyfriend though!

He must know I’m not ashamed of him or anything like what some people have implied. I have willingly brought him to these events to meet people, and we are naturally quite affectionate, holding hands etc so it’s obvious we are there together.

I am in fact very into him! I struggle with talking about my feelings though. I’m very guarded. It’s something I’m working on! I miss him a lot when we aren’t together, but we live a bit of distance apart meaning it’s only really feasible to meet up with an overnight stay and I’m not ready to do that with the children around yet. Hence the only every other weekend together.

OP posts:

Siha345 · 27/12/2023 17:37

Personally I think you can say boyfriend at any age and partner is for serious long term relationships. So this man is your boyfriend/partner but you basically friendzoned him in front of someone he’d never met. Hm I would be a bit put out too, and possibly a bit put off

Supertayto · 27/12/2023 17:39

This is my chap/bit of rough/person/loverrrr - or simply, this is [name]. I’d have been offended too.

ChateauDuMont · 27/12/2023 17:40

That's actually quite horrible. He's your boyfriend not your friend.

No wonder he feels hurt.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 17:41

He must know I’m not ashamed of him or anything like what some people have implied.

Why must he know that when all he has heard you verbalise about him is that he is a friend, when introducing him to another friend so therefore put on the same level as them.

TheSnowyOwl · 27/12/2023 17:42

If you dislike the normal terms such as boyfriend and partner then just opt for “this is Name” and put your arm around him.

Elvanseshortage · 27/12/2023 17:43

OP. I think the notable thing is that you don’t realise how strange and unfeeling this is. Try to imagine how he feels rather than treating it as a neutral linguistic choice.

MistletoeRegrets · 27/12/2023 17:45

I struggle with talking about my feelings though. I’m very guarded.

Okaaaay … What are you afraid might happen if you call him your boyfriend?

Ridicule from family / colleagues / friends? Why would that occur?

Opening a chink in the door and being taken advantage of? Do you feel you don’t trust him to have your best interests at heart?

Being hurt if things don’t eventually work out? Inevitably you will have to make yourself a little vulnerable if you’re both going to feel all your feelings. Imagine if you’re still calling him your friend in another five years - it would all be ridiculously repressed.

Definitely talk to him …

romdowa · 27/12/2023 17:48

Did you have to give him a title at all? Could you not just have used his name to introduce him?

SamW98 · 27/12/2023 17:58

I’ll be honest you say you’re really into him but in your OP you’ve put ‘dating’ in inverted commas and you’ve introduced him as a friend - that really sounds like you don’t see him as your actual partner imo.

Im not surprised he’s hurt. If someone I’d been with a year called me their friend, I’d think they were trying to hide the fact we were a couple.

Orangewinegum8481 · 27/12/2023 18:18

What does he introduce you as?

Mirabai · 27/12/2023 18:26

“Fancyman”?

ginasevern · 27/12/2023 18:27

Just say he's a friend with benefits.

Sugarsun · 27/12/2023 18:27

It sounds as though currently you’re more FWBs and seeing each other, as opposed to dating.

Perhaps this has worked out well because you can both have the chat about moving from just seeing each other to in a proper relationship and therefore he’d be your partner.

Me and you sound very similar, so I get it.
But after a year of being exclusive and seeing each other regularly then I think it’s fine to move into ‘partner’ territory.

You can still move at this pace and nothing needs to change but you’ll both be on the same page and will start introducing each other as your partners, so you’re slowly moving to the next stage.

InfamousPartyAnimal · 27/12/2023 18:30

This is my fella/chap/guy/boyfriend/significant other......anything other than friend!

Legendairy · 27/12/2023 21:40

Surely just this is 'name' is sufficient, no need to describe the relationship. **

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