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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

90 replies

VioletLemon · 27/12/2023 11:43

Just this really, any insight very much appreciated. Due to a few things, being a young parent, MH illness, abusive relationships I have somewhat tried to over compensate for feeling everything my DC struggled with in life was my fault. I thought this directly and indirectly. So I have not been v good at boundaries. They are all lovely and thriving but I perceive often hearing from them that I was to blame for their own difficulties. I have always assumed they were right. It's been very hard to process that the actions of 2 abusive partners isn't somehow factored in. Even though they were badly let down by those men. I accept it was my doing, getting involved, being so needy in the first place and ultimately ending both marriages for our safety. I feel the men are kind of treated with kid gloves and I am punished for now having boundaries. I'm in therapy and for first time as adults I put down a boundary, the DC all dramatically left. It seemed in protest. Basically they had brought 2 friends home at 2am to my house on Christmas eve and played v loud music and the house had a weed smell too. At 4am I said it needed to stop, they didn't listen. I snapped and shouted (after being nice for half an hour) and they all left. They were supposed to stay here. I feel so wronged and let down. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. I have a MH illness and if I have no tolerance when exhausted or pushed. I avoid all situations that are triggers and try to be as stable as I can. One of my DC is pretty entitled and to argue with me about the noise and then threaten to leave just feels so infantile. Was I wrong to push for this boundary after inviting my adult dc to stay for Christmas?

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 27/12/2023 11:46

Well you did nothing wrong that I can see. Time to enforce those boundaries with everyone including your adult kids.

Dotcheck · 27/12/2023 11:50

They were thoughtless. How old are they? Are they home from uni or are they older/ more settled.

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2023 11:52

You were not in the wrong.
Weed would not be tolerated in my house from anyone at anytime - your views may be different.
Music at 2am/4am would also not be tolerated. Consideration for all occupants and indeed neighbours is absolutely required.

I think perhaps your own issues mean you have tolerated alot more from them than 'normal' which means that their own 'normal meters' are somewhat broken. You need to sit down with them when you are all sober, properly awake etc and let them know what is and is not acceptable- that's assuming they are 'just' adults and live with you. If they are older they need to have alot more respect as guests in someone's home.

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

TenderChicken · 27/12/2023 11:56

If instilling some boundaries is a recent change, then I think initially there will be push back as the kids test/resist your new limits.

You didn't ask anything unreasonable of them.

Butchyrestingface · 27/12/2023 11:58

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

Think this pretty much covers it.

Cabeza · 27/12/2023 12:02

I found this podcast hugely helpful to learn about healthy boundaries

evoketherapy.com/resources/podcast/

Ignore the wilderness program stuff in them, the talks about relationships and boundaries are relevant to everyone.

It's a process, it takes time, keep working on yourself with love.

Darkenergy · 27/12/2023 12:02

I think if this is out of character for you and something they're unused to they are going to react.

Where possible you should try to set boundaries when everyone is calm and the event isn't going on. So rather than starting at 4am you need to discuss before the night begins - you are welcome to bring friends back but midnight is quiet time (or whatever your boundary is). To be honest I wouldn't describe what happened as you setting a boundary, to me that's consistent red line or rule not something you decided then and there to handle a situation (however reasonable you were being).

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/12/2023 12:03

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

Agreed! Both of these things can be true. Making reparations for the mistakes you made with partners in the past doesn't have to include allowing them to smoke pot in your house at 4am.

Of course they will act out and test boundaries - they're not used to you setting them. Hence the flouncing out. That's OK as long as you're not being arbitrary or capricious (which you aren't based on what you said).

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 27/12/2023 12:04

And yes, make sure you hold that boundary on your space now that you've set it.

OhmygodDont · 27/12/2023 12:05

This sounds rather complicated tbh. Al you have will have been “damaged” to some extent from the abusive men. Children really need protecting let’s face it. It will
affect how they grow up and mature.

Now they’re drunk? High, adult children bought friends home played loud music and you kicked them all out. Sounds fine to me.

Also sounds pretty normal that young ish adults at a guess? Get a little pissy at being called out on their shit but it normally works itself out after every calms down.

HappyBusman · 27/12/2023 12:05

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

Yes, this.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/12/2023 12:06

You did nothing wrong on Christmas Eve op - you had a perfectly reasonable boundary.

I would be flabbergasted to see anyone on here say otherwise!!

Pumpkinpie1 · 27/12/2023 12:12

Im sure your neighbours appreciate your intervention OP.
Your children are not very nice are they?

ManateeFair · 27/12/2023 12:24

Of course your adult children shouldn’t be bringing people to your house in the early hours to smoke week and play loud music until 4am. Obviously that’s awful behaviour.

However, it’s pretty obvious that your children had a chaotic life, with you having relationships with two abusive men and because you struggled with boundaries and your mental health. I don’t think it’s particularly surprising that they’re behaving like this as young adults. It’s not OK, but it’s also not a shock.

They were absolutely in the wrong and you were right to tell them to pack it in. But you said this is basically the first time you’ve ever put your foot down about something. If you’ve never set any boundaries with them before, and they grew up around men who treated you shit, what you’re seeing now is the impact of that.

It is extremely important that you continue to set boundaries, but you just need to understand that things don’t change overnight and that it will take a while for them to respect you. People won’t always react well to the boundaries you put in place - but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep setting them. That’s all part of learning to be more assertive.

Areaofout · 27/12/2023 12:27

Why does everything have to be a boundary on here at the moment?

It makes so much more sense when it’s just ‘I’m not allowing them to smoke weed and bring people I don’t know home without prior agreement.’

AgnesX · 27/12/2023 12:29

I reckon that in 95% of homes kids that tried that one on any night of the week would be given the bums' rush.

They'll get over it (although there'll be undoubtedly be a lot of whinging) so stand your ground.

Well done.

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2023 12:32

Areaofout · 27/12/2023 12:27

Why does everything have to be a boundary on here at the moment?

It makes so much more sense when it’s just ‘I’m not allowing them to smoke weed and bring people I don’t know home without prior agreement.’

Edited

That is a boundary...

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2023 12:33

You were not unreasonable to ask them to stop, but equally if they wanted to carry on partying with their friends they were not unreasonable to leave and take themselves elsewhere.

CoconutPrize · 27/12/2023 12:39

Areaofout · 27/12/2023 12:27

Why does everything have to be a boundary on here at the moment?

It makes so much more sense when it’s just ‘I’m not allowing them to smoke weed and bring people I don’t know home without prior agreement.’

Edited

Ha! I got into this discussion with a friend the other day. I like to use the word " boundary" because for me, it enforces a sense of agency and clearly defines in my head the things I find to be acceptable/ unacceptable. He thinks of it as a woke word and that likes and dislikes should be expressed as " wishes". But that sounds wishy washy to me( excuse the pun). It's common for people working through mental health issues to use the word boundaries.

ThreeTreeHill · 27/12/2023 12:42

Maybe they just left because they wanted to continue the party? What's happened since?
Of course you are not wrong for asking them to leave if they refused to stop playing loud music at 4am or stop smoking weed

However you do have to take responsibility for bringing abusive men into their lives.

Areaofout · 27/12/2023 12:43

I agree wishes is probably a bit wet, sounds like a preference rather than a line in the sand. I think boundary has been overused on here to the point it’s a bit meaningless though.

TrashedSofa · 27/12/2023 12:44

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2023 11:56

I couldn’t follow all of that but generally speaking:

  1. if you brought abusive men into the home they will have undoubtedly suffered significantly

  2. of course they shouldn’t be disturbing your peace and bringing unwanted guests in the middle of the night.

This.

MyLeftKnee · 27/12/2023 12:46

My experience is the first time you put a boundary in place the person you are doing it to has a big reaction. It's new, it's breaking the norm and it disrupts the pattern of your relationship but the reactions get less very quickly so don't feel bad or back down, it was a reasonable boundary and they should see that once the dust settles.

Brefugee · 27/12/2023 12:46

Well done on getting therapy for the issues you have been facing.
Do you think your adult DCs may benefit from something similar?

You weren't wrong, they were totally unreasonable for making noise and the weed and not stopping when you asked. I think you need to get your keys back (or change the locks) and reiterate what you will and will not accept in terms of visits and behaviour. You can do this without being horrible, as you know, even though they will probably accuse you of that.

Good luck