Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

[VioletLemon]

Just this really, any insight very much appreciated. Due to a few things, being a young parent, MH illness, abusive relationships I have somewhat tried to over compensate for feeling everything my DC struggled with in life was my fault. I thought this directly and indirectly. So I have not been v good at boundaries. They are all lovely and thriving but I perceive often hearing from them that I was to blame for their own difficulties. I have always assumed they were right. It's been very hard to process that the actions of 2 abusive partners isn't somehow factored in. Even though they were badly let down by those men. I accept it was my doing, getting involved, being so needy in the first place and ultimately ending both marriages for our safety. I feel the men are kind of treated with kid gloves and I am punished for now having boundaries. I'm in therapy and for first time as adults I put down a boundary, the DC all dramatically left. It seemed in protest. Basically they had brought 2 friends home at 2am to my house on Christmas eve and played v loud music and the house had a weed smell too. At 4am I said it needed to stop, they didn't listen. I snapped and shouted (after being nice for half an hour) and they all left. They were supposed to stay here. I feel so wronged and let down. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. I have a MH illness and if I have no tolerance when exhausted or pushed. I avoid all situations that are triggers and try to be as stable as I can. One of my DC is pretty entitled and to argue with me about the noise and then threaten to leave just feels so infantile. Was I wrong to push for this boundary after inviting my adult dc to stay for Christmas?

I think YABU because it's your responsibility that things have developed to this point. Clearly loud music in the early hours is not acceptable but they've grown up to think otherwise based on the way they were brought up. As PP said you're to blame for this situation but they're not in the clear for behaving the way you are - both things can be (and are) true, nobody is "right" here.

I don't think you're entitled to feel "wronged" but you're entitled to be unhappy, the whole set of circumstances sound terrible for all involved. Like I say, there are no winners and plenty of losers.

Agreed.

None of this is okay. I was a pretty disrespectful teen tbh and I would NEVER have done any of this.

YANBU if anything you need more boundaries
Worth discussing / debriefing on this incident with your therapist.

A 'boundary' is just a rule. It's "If you play loud music late at night, you'll be asked to turn it down, and if you can't do that, you'll have to leave."

OP of course your adult DC are going to blame you for their issues. You allowed abusive men to be in their lives. You failed to protect them. Now, as adults, they are full of anger and sorrow.

It's still fine to put your new rules in place. They are going to be resistant and resentful, though, because where were these protective rules when they were growing up? You couldn't do it for them, but now you're able to do it for yourself? That's going to be hard for them to process.

If you can afford to, I would offer to pay for your DC's therapy. I would also try to arrange some kind of family therapy. You are at a point in your life where you're ready to heal and forgive yourself. But your kids still need help. Maybe you can give them that now, and find a way to rebuild a loving and respectful relationship.

This. Hopefully you’ve already got therapy for your kids, long ago.

I think that part of the reparations you need to make to your kids is understanding where their behaviours might come from. This means not lashing out when they act out. You don’t have to tolerate the behaviour - but you do have to tolerate their anger. You have had therapy - have they? They need to learn to express their anger at you for putting them in danger in a way you can hear.

I've put Yabu but not because you asked them to stop. That was totally reasonable. I think yabu to feel like you are being punished by them leaving. Obv they weren't going to react well as you haven't consistently parented like that so they arent used to it. But you did the right thing putting your foot down about the noise. Try to take their reaction less personally tho. There will be pushbike when you first assert a boundary. You should still continue. Their reaction does not mean they dont love or value you. Young adults can be short sighted and selfish. They will need time to get used to these boundaries but they will eventually accept them. They will know after they've calmed down and arent high or drunk, that that behaviour wasn't OK. In the moment tho of course they were always going to flounce off. Just give it time.
Regarding the constantly blaming you for their own issues as well.. this is also something that takes time. They do this because you are a safe person to do this to. They know you love them and won't leave them... they dont know that about the men. Again it doesnt mean they value the men more, quite the opposite. It means they don't feel safe with them. It does sound like you've made bad choices in your past which have harmed your children so obviously they will need to express that.. but again young adults can be self absorbed.. as time passes and they grow up a bit you will find they gain more perspective. You consistently being there and listening to them will start to mean something to them. It really is a question of you taking their behaviour less personally. Stick by your boundaries, they won't always be placidly accepted but that doesn't mean they arent valid. And do not read too much into your children's behaviour. Trust that they love you but their lives have been somewhat difficult, it takes time to mature to a place where you understand your parent was a flawed individual just doing the best they could at that time.. and that the most valuable thing is they are still there trying to love and understand you.

Also, moaning about your kids not blaming the various abusers inflicted on them shows a huge lack of understanding for your role as their parent and of trauma and it’s impact.
They were utterly dependent on you to keep them safe, but instead will have to deal with the lifelong impact of how the trauma will have impacted their developing brains, bodies and nervous systems. This is something I have to deal with thanks to my mothers choices, and it’s hell.
The general household manners/rules about not playing loud music/bringing random home is separate, and not really a ‘boundary’, just basic manners.

I am assuming the 2 men were the fathers of the children. Stop blaming yourself. I have adult children. The 2 who live here are mostly fine. Sometimes there is noise at night. If they threatened to leave I would never have a problem with that as the aim of bringing up children is that they DO leave and form their own adult lives. So the answer could be - excellent, can I help you pack the suitcase....

It sounds like they stormed off in a huff and will probably be back. Just keep up communication eg ask them if they have permanently moved out and where should you send their stuff or will they be back as you just need to know and if they will be back on what day.

You were not unreasonable!

Your adult children don't live with you -I'm surprised they thought they could bring people round to party, when they were staying in your home as guests.

They will be shocked by the change in you now you are beginning to discover yourself.

They rightly blame you for bringing bad men into their lives, but you can't undo that, so if it comes up say 'Yes. I'm sorry. I didn't know any better then but I do now.' And don't go any further with that. Don't try to compensate. Acknowledge, listen to whatever they need to tell you (it will hurt) but stay calm. Know in yourself that you did what you could at the time, and you didn't set out to hurt them. You might tell them that, simply, 'Nothing I did was with the intention of hurting you, I'm sorry that was the outcome.' But don't think that means you have to do more than acknowledge and listen.

If you invite them round to stay again, make it clear when you invite them that it is just them, not open house for their friends, and that you don't want any drugs bringing into your home. If they don't want to come on those terms, when you've set clear boundaries, let them stay away. Without being resentful.

You've been abused by two partners. You don't need to be abused by your children.

@VioletLemon has recognised and owned that she made a poor choice of partners - but I'm sure she didn't do this deliberately, and she ended the relationships. Like most of us, she is far from perfect, but has tried to do her best, and is now working on her psychological difficulties.

However, you are right that her children will not find what they suffered in the past easy to get over, if they ever do. Sometimes the best we can hope for is to come to terms with things - we don't know how long this will take, or how long it has already been.

They strike against their mum because she is the one who is there to hit out at; because as small children (and mentally in some ways they will be stuck in that place) they needed her to protect them, and she failed - at least to a degree; and because she has always been there to love them, and even now they are likely to be testing her devotion. Children - whatever their age - kick out at the people that they can trust to continue to love them no matter what. Her ex's are not important to them because they were a waste of space and also because there is no emotional connection. The children couldn't hurt these men by withdrawing their love, because these men don't care and never did.

That's not to say OP should get rid of her new-found boundaries - on the contrary these are very important both for her and her children - but she will find that they kick against them, and it will take time. They may leave her, for a short time, or a long one, but for all of their sakes she needs to show that she is there for them, but that there are lines they must not cross (eg drugs, loud music, strangers in the house etc).

As they grow and mature (and they need her to have boundaries in order to do this) they will come to realise that they are safe, and that she is there for them, but that they need to behave appropriately. It is important for everyone's sake that she maintains her stance.

Edited to acknowledge the wisdom of @StopStartStop 's post, above

Do you know it's Christmas time at all?

@Mikimoto

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I agree.

You can have firm boundaries while also acknowledging everything you put them through (without any buts).

Also do you make your MH your children's issue? It's not clear from your OP the extent to which your children have to tiptoe round your MH.

I mean this, i get the op has struggled but not allowing the above is ok and normal the children who did this are disrespectful .

More than a hint of victim blaming there.

I didn’t realise it was a choice to be abused that women made?

You must accept that your behaviour has consequences. Very difficult, I know: but it’s a fact of life.
Im sure your children heard much worse when growing up.
You have every right to remove someone from your house, but no rights to blame your children for the behaviour they learnt from your abusive partners.

Little sh**s

F*ck 'em

You feel wronged and let down. I'd say they feel wronged and let down too. There's a lot to unpick here and you will all need to put a lot of work and effort into doing that, well done for making a start.

Try not to get distracted by recent events, this is part of a much bigger and deeper picture.

@Merryoldgoat

Yes, I'm sure they suffered significantly being in the same house as abusive men, but the blame / fault for that rests with the abusers, not OP

Blaming women for "choosing" an abusive partner / "failing to protect" is an approach that's fallen out of favour, thankfully

Your kids probably have issues caused by their childhood for which you're responsible. However their now adults and should treat your home with respect.

Yes, basically.

I'm glad you do not accept illegal drugs in your house.

Adult children tend to blame their mum for everything, for the things they did or failed to do when they were children, but also for their own faults (if I'd been properly brought up, I would be a better person).

Thank you, this is really helpful. No, they very much aren't children. 31,27,25. The men are father to eldest and other is father to the youngest 2. Been divorced for a long time but spent that long time trying to placate for the upheaval instead of enforcing boundaries for all of us. It feels quite shocking to hear adult children behaving in a gaslighting type of way because basically I am demanding to sleep. I suppose it's the shock that's making me feel so stupid about it all.