Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

[VioletLemon]

Just this really, any insight very much appreciated. Due to a few things, being a young parent, MH illness, abusive relationships I have somewhat tried to over compensate for feeling everything my DC struggled with in life was my fault. I thought this directly and indirectly. So I have not been v good at boundaries. They are all lovely and thriving but I perceive often hearing from them that I was to blame for their own difficulties. I have always assumed they were right. It's been very hard to process that the actions of 2 abusive partners isn't somehow factored in. Even though they were badly let down by those men. I accept it was my doing, getting involved, being so needy in the first place and ultimately ending both marriages for our safety. I feel the men are kind of treated with kid gloves and I am punished for now having boundaries. I'm in therapy and for first time as adults I put down a boundary, the DC all dramatically left. It seemed in protest. Basically they had brought 2 friends home at 2am to my house on Christmas eve and played v loud music and the house had a weed smell too. At 4am I said it needed to stop, they didn't listen. I snapped and shouted (after being nice for half an hour) and they all left. They were supposed to stay here. I feel so wronged and let down. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. I have a MH illness and if I have no tolerance when exhausted or pushed. I avoid all situations that are triggers and try to be as stable as I can. One of my DC is pretty entitled and to argue with me about the noise and then threaten to leave just feels so infantile. Was I wrong to push for this boundary after inviting my adult dc to stay for Christmas?

I suppose it depends on how they view you personally.

Are you someone they respect?

If not, trying to 'set boundaries' when they view you as someone who has not previously had boundaries is going to be difficult.

They may well feel resentful that it's all a bit late for you to start laying down the rules to them, when they have been damaged by your previous lack of ability to do this.

Because none of us is perfect? What a mean thing to say! Did you note the ages of the 'children' - one over 30, other two approaching it. Time to accept they have crappy fathers and give their mum a break.

I don't think there are many boundaries that would accommodate the behaviour you describe in your OP, OP/

I'm quite shocked how many posters are blaming OP for "choosing" abusive partners. Clearly, a lot of ignorance still around re domestic abuse. I'll say it again for those at the back -

(1) OP was a victim in this situation

(2) the blame rests with the perpetrator, not the victim(s)

Two separate issues here. Yes, they will have undoubtedly suffered as a result of the abusive relationships - but you also walked away to protect them. You did the right thing but you will all need support to move on from that.

That does not excuse your young adults acting like knobs from time to time. Totally ok to tell them to pack it in. I have done the same in similar circumstances. And if they don’t like it they can go elsewhere.

The 4am row won’t have caused irreparable damage, once you’ve all calmed down and slept it off.

YANBU.

Also this scenario is basically the plot of ‘manchester by the sea’ so you should be happy they didn’t burn the house down 🫠

Sorry if christmas was ruined. There will be more christmases, with better boundaries. In calmer moments explain the boundary and that it’s never too late to put in place some rules.

Have you had any contact with them since this happened? Do they have any contact with their Dads? As others have said, you need to talk to them when everyone's a bit calmer and explain what will happen from now on.

Experience in DA within my own family has led me to feel some women just repeat destructive behaviour and drag kids through it. I feel for the kids, whatever their ages.

@Cherry2010

are you seriously suggesting OP should allow her adult offspring to bring randoms and drugs into HER home late Christmas Eve?! Really? If so, I would recommend you get some therapy to help you stop being such a Martyr.

I sounds like you have only just starting setting boundaries - so as your children are all adults i think you can't be surprised if you get some push back now that you're trying to be assertive.
It sounds like they've been spoilt all their lives from you in terms of letting them do more or less as they please??
No blame from me on that - you had to do what you could to escape the abusive men and then bring up the children presumably on your own a lot of the time?? -But also you can't expect your adult children to change their perception of you overnight.

Perhaps once everyone has calmed down you can discuss with them that you are now in therapy for all the damage over the years and they can expect some changes in your behaviour.

I don't think anyone is blaming the OP for the abuse - they're just acknowledging that the children have suffered because she didn't protect them from abusive men. Two things are true at the same time - the OP was abused (possibly susceptible because of her own childhood ), and the children suffered because she didn't protect them.

It's not blame - it's looking it all in the eye. No-one benefits when we refuse to do that. Acknowledgement of one's own impact on others is a part of rebuilding and repair which can't be skipped.

ETA: OP, I hope I don't sound like I'm attacking you - really don't want to do that, I'm sure you've had a terrible time. I just feel strongly that the only way to heal and move forward is to be very honest with ourselves and each other.

You might also know that children that have experience with DA can grow into mothers who carry on the cycle unless supported to make change. Compassion would be key here, especially from someone with experience.

The victim blaming on this thread is fucking disgusting. All of you joining in with it ought to be utterly ashamed of yourself. The abuse the men carried out is their responsibility, entirely.

The OP did not cause the men to abuse her. People do not go around with a label on their head conveniently identifying them as abusers. No doubt she did not know they would become abusive when she moved in with them. Like countless women through time. Like many women who use these boards.

OP, sounds like you moved on from both abusive relationships. Well done - that is brilliant. If you have experienced abuse in the past it can be harder to assert yourself, so well done on asking your kids to stop behaving in ways that made you feel unhappy in your own home.

Many young adults smoke weed and party against their parents wishes, whether or not they have abusive fathers. Your kids may also well be suffering problems from the abuse in their childhoods, as I am sure you know.

For that, you AND they deserve nothing but our sympathy. Nonetheless they ought to respect you, and not smoke drugs in your house against your wishes.

Take care of yourself and please don't be put off posting on here again. Normally it's not full of ridiculous victim-blaming horrors trying to ape each others' pathetic, thoughtless and cruel opinions. Usually you will find sympathy and understanding that being abused is not your fault.

No noise after 11 pm with or without friends.
no drugs.
no friends invited back unless pre agreed

It sounds very upsetting OP.

Have they been in contact since? They stayed away for the whole of Christmas?

It sounds if you are right and the years of placating have left them with skewed boundaries. Which may well be something of an explanation but it doesn’t make it OK.

Any decent adult of their ages would have realised when asked at 4am that the request was more than reasonable. Yes, they are pushing back against newly applied boundaries but to treat you with such contempt? Heading towards abusive behaviour.

I think I would speak to them calmly. Tell them you love them unconditionally, and that you recognise that things were not ideal in their childhood, and are happy for them to talk to you about that. But you have a reasonable right to ask for an end to loud music at 4am without being treated with contempt.

Say you welcome moving forward from this and all supporting each other as a family.

Do any of your sons still live with you? If so, I think it's time they got somewhere else to live.

After all you've been through I think your home needs to be your safe and happy place. Your sons can visit but at the first sign of disrespect they should leave. I wouldn't let them bring friends to my house, wouldn't let them smoke weed in my house, and wouldn't let them stay the night.

I’m not blaming - I’m stating facts - they will have suffered by having abusive men in their lives, especially at home.

And whilst it’s always the abuser’s fault there are certainly bad choices made by survivors that do not help.

And a child in an abusive home doesn’t care much that their mother is also a victim - they just know they are living with the consequences and can’t change them.

Im still angry with my mother for the chaos of our life. I understand it was complicated and not easy but she made choices which affect lives now 30 odd years later.

Yes, OP was a victim of abuse. Her children were also the victims of that abuse and of OP's failure to protect them from that abuse.

We don't know the circumstances and how long OP stayed with those men or what she did to get away from them. We do know that no matter how much or how little she did, her kids are going to have felt the impact of her lack of protection of them. And of course it's easier to blame their mum than their abusive fathers, even if she did everything she could.

It's not victim blaming. No one is saying she's responsible for the abuse she experienced. But it's more complicated than just being a victim. Unfortunately, it's a complex and traumatic situation which has damaged her relationship with her now adult children.

THIS
Its just basic decency and respect.

That is the best definition of a boundary I have seen in a long time. 😃

OP, of course you aren't wrong to set boundaries. With hindsight, you could have and should have said that they weren't to bring people back without prior agreement with you, must not smoke weed or anything else in your house and must not play loud music at stupid o'clock in the morning.

Just make sure now that they realise those are the rules. If they don't like them and aren't prepared to abide by them then they don't come to your house. Your house, your rules!

I wouldn't have anyone doing drugs or smoking in my house at all. Nor playing loud music at antisocial hours. I'd throw them out if they tried to push it, or argue with me.

You aren’t wrong to set boundaries, but your expectations of how they react to them might be unrealistic.

Your DC are adults now and have been for a good few years yet they all behave like the men that you tried to protect them from and show you no respect, from that point you should find it laughable when you hear them bleating about a shite upbringing while they're following that very same pattern.

After years of doing pretty much as they please they're not suddenly going to listen when you start asking for respect though.

There comes an age when you own up to responsibility and decide which path to take and they've decide that the path will be the same as their fathers.

Maybe its time for a bit of honesty you need to tell them all you didn't leave their abusive fathers for them to step into their shoes and treat you like they did.

IMO you certainly didn't do anything wrong in asking them to be respectful at such an unearthly hour, it's their lack of understanding that made them leave not you personally.

Maybe its time for a bit of honesty you need to tell them all you didn't leave their abusive fathers for them to step into their shoes and treat you like they did.

This ^^

@beastlyslumber and others.

it’s all beside the point.

should she allow noise and weed at 2am because her kids were abused? No.

Should she be allowed some boundaries? Yes.

All the rest of the history around culpability in DV scenarios is way off topic, not what the OP was asking mumsnet to opine on, and something it will take that family a generation and loads of therapy to deal with. A bunch of keyboard warriors without the detail or context are only ever, ever going to make that worse.

Also I think the OP maybe being hard on herself dragging all history into this. This behaviour sounds a bit like my brother in his early 20s, he was never abused, he was just a spoiled brat / indulged youngest. Parents finally put down boundaries in his mid 20s and he’s lovely now.

Some people just behave like arseholes until you incentivise them to behave otherwise so even without the DV they may have been like this @VioletLemon