Adult children not accepting my boundaries?

[VioletLemon]

Just this really, any insight very much appreciated. Due to a few things, being a young parent, MH illness, abusive relationships I have somewhat tried to over compensate for feeling everything my DC struggled with in life was my fault. I thought this directly and indirectly. So I have not been v good at boundaries. They are all lovely and thriving but I perceive often hearing from them that I was to blame for their own difficulties. I have always assumed they were right. It's been very hard to process that the actions of 2 abusive partners isn't somehow factored in. Even though they were badly let down by those men. I accept it was my doing, getting involved, being so needy in the first place and ultimately ending both marriages for our safety. I feel the men are kind of treated with kid gloves and I am punished for now having boundaries. I'm in therapy and for first time as adults I put down a boundary, the DC all dramatically left. It seemed in protest. Basically they had brought 2 friends home at 2am to my house on Christmas eve and played v loud music and the house had a weed smell too. At 4am I said it needed to stop, they didn't listen. I snapped and shouted (after being nice for half an hour) and they all left. They were supposed to stay here. I feel so wronged and let down. Maybe it sounds ridiculous. I have a MH illness and if I have no tolerance when exhausted or pushed. I avoid all situations that are triggers and try to be as stable as I can. One of my DC is pretty entitled and to argue with me about the noise and then threaten to leave just feels so infantile. Was I wrong to push for this boundary after inviting my adult dc to stay for Christmas?

OP this is a totally normal part of boundary setting, especially at the beginning when other people aren’t used to you having rules you enforce.

Your kids expected things to go one way and when they didn’t they were caught by surprise, because you don’t normally put your foot down and they expected they could do as they pleased even though you’d said no. When that turned out not to be the case they initially got defensive and left because they aren’t used to having a line there that they can’t just cross over. They’ll get used to it.

They’ll get used to you having rules (the more consistent you can be about those rules the better for everyone). They’ll get used to you meaning what you say when you ask them to do something. They may not spend as much time at home - some of the things you want and some of the things they want may be incompatible. But that’s okay (assuming they’re adults). They can have their boundaries too. Part of the point of having boundaries is so that people can find ways to get along together that work for all of them and that can mean spending less time together.

Seems like you’re kids have learnt how to abuse you.

Please stop using the word boundaries you clearly don't even have the excuse of being Gen z if you have adult children. It's pretentious and irritating just say houserukes or wishes or literally anything else.

So at 4am you laid down the boundary. They didn't listen to begin with, but after 30 mins you yelled and they left. So you've enforced the boundary, and they have responded. Job done. Don't apologise, Don't back down. Now they know you mean business.

In terms of the history/what they suffered from their father/stepfather, of course this will have a bearing on your relationship. You need to take responsibility for your actions but that doesn't mean you need to accept them playing loud music in the middle of the night or taking drugs in your house.

they ought to respect you

It’s not victim blaming to point out that the reason they don’t respect her or have a good relationship with her is because there is probably a lot of anger and resentment that their mother didn’t protect them when they were young and put them in situations where they were abused or witnessed abuse in their own home.

All this ‘women are the victims’ talk ignores the fact that they are responsible for their children’s safety and makes it seem as though nothing could be done to prevent it. If more women prioritised their children and didn’t even contemplate new relationships while they are young there would be far less abused and traumatised children in the world.

@Nowdontmakeamess

How refreshing. I totally agree with you. Women are not always vicitims and it is possible to have mental health and other issues without subjecting your children to abusive men.

I think in this case ‘boundary’ is the appropriate word.

You can have a boundary even when you aren’t in a position to set rules for other people, and ‘wish’ implies an element of uncertainty.

The OP can set a boundary, but can’t control how others react, and if she has a history of difficult relationships, that is an important distinction to understand.

Yeah but that’s not the question.

The question is whether she was ok to tell adults at 4am to stop playing noise and smoking weed which surely, we can all agree on.

I’m sure the OP will spend the rest of her life regretting her previous decisions without a bunch of keyboard warriors piling on. She wasn’t asking for anyone’s input on what she should or shouldn’t have done decades ago.

They've had a lifetime of learning the family culture.
If you make changes you need to lead and bring them with you, you can't pull a rabbit out of the hat and expect miracles.

So talk to them about how things were, how you understand the effects on them, why you those life choices were made at the time and the consequences of it on everyone. Tell them you are trying to create a better future than the past and that you are learning better ways of conducting relationships and life, that you want them to join you in little changes that will provide a better family environment so everyone can live peacefully, which you recognise has been missing but you would like them to share with you.
Help them see that where you're going is a together that learns from the mistakes of past and sells not to repeat it, but to provide a place where everyone can be heard and try to support each other.

They're your kids, so though you were young damaged and foolish, to them you were the all powerful adult, a fixed entity and a known quantity.
Do they even know you are trying to make personal changes, improve your boundaries (this will need to be tactfully done given how much damage your previous lack of boundaries will have caused... So it will seem incredibly hypocritical if you don't introduce the changes carefully) and expect them to go along with this?

To instigate these changes without causing resentment will need you to talk and listen, explain, be respectful as well as expect respect and give them time to ask questions, challenge the changes and adjust.

If you do it well, you will hopefully improve the family culture without damaging your relationships.

I don’t think you should be all to blame, you were one parent, the dads can also pay for counselling. Their children too

You’re not wrong to implement boundaries, whatever age your children are. Actions have consequences and the more they understand that and see you advocating for yourself and implementing boundaries, the more chance they have of having healthy relationships and behaving appropriately in the work place and in society.

I hope they have stayed away so that your home is your sanctuary, OP.

Not helpful in any way …. Just diggy

This is from 2023!

ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!