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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a bit evil to do to a child?

84 replies

frenchtipss · 26/12/2023 10:49

DD bday is Christmas Day. She spent morning at mine and in afternoon went to her dads. His partner has three kids and they have one together, her kids were at their dads and due back for new years.

DD dad didn't let her open any presents - birthday or Christmas yesterday- she has to wait until the other kids are back as they are doing a party then. Last week DD was up for this idea but yesterday, on her actual bday and Xmas, she changed her mind but wasn't allowed to even open one.

I think that's evil and it's her bday so should have at least been able t open those presents. DD was disappointed but will be happy to have presents next week when other kids are back.

What do you think? Is that normal?!

OP posts:
Trinity69 · 26/12/2023 10:51

How bizarre. No it’s not normal and yes, it’s bloody mean. How old is DD?

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 26/12/2023 10:52

Of course its mean. Her birthday is about her, not her siblings.

purpleme12 · 26/12/2023 10:53

No that's absolutely awful.
If she's there for Christmas day she should be able to open her presents for both. Definitely.

nothingcomestonothing · 26/12/2023 10:53

I think that's shit re the birthday presents. Do the other DC in his household have to wait to open their birthday presents until she's there? I bet they don't. Christmas birthdays can be a bit rubbish anyway, let alone her father making her wait for her birthday presents to lump them in with Christmas presents for everyone.

mikado1 · 26/12/2023 10:54

Evil is a bit OTT. Did she have both Christmas and birthday presents with you yesterday morning before going? If so, coupled with agreeing to this plan earlier, I don't think it's quite as bad but obviously not great. How old is dd? Growing up we had Santa gifts first thing but waited until after Christmas Dinner for all the other presents under the tree. It was lovely actually and not too much to endure.

Nudgethatjudge · 26/12/2023 10:54

I don't think it's evil. I think it is inflexible not letting her change her mind.
Not having something to open for birthday is not fair.

Tacotortoise · 26/12/2023 10:56

It's a bit inflexible, esp for birthday presents, but evil? No. Im sure she'll enjoy next week.

Original poster
frenchtipss · 26/12/2023 10:57

She just turned 11.
At mine she opened both, and I had birthday decorations, special birthday breakfast etc.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 26/12/2023 10:58

Surely the main point of her going to him on Christmas day was because she should get to celebrate Christmas/birthday with him. If they don't want to do that until next week, then it would make more sense for to have the whole day with you, and look forward to the second celebration later on.

purpleme12 · 26/12/2023 10:58

lanthanum · 26/12/2023 10:58

Surely the main point of her going to him on Christmas day was because she should get to celebrate Christmas/birthday with him. If they don't want to do that until next week, then it would make more sense for to have the whole day with you, and look forward to the second celebration later on.

Exactly

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 26/12/2023 10:59

Very cruel.. I'm crying for her.
Poor love x

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 11:00

If they're not doing Christmas fair enough,but he should have then made it entirely about her birthday and let her open those.
.y guess is she couldnt because they're the same thing

Porageeater · 26/12/2023 11:00

It’s bizarre and controlling.

Scarletttulips · 26/12/2023 11:01

Thats shit.

I agree do the others wait for her?

Technicall she has a half sibling who was there… do they also have to wait? Utterly awful thing to do.

Have you said anything?

Upsetandfedup35 · 26/12/2023 11:03

This is really upsetting to read. I'd have quite a sharp conversation with her dad about this! It's her BIRTHDAY for God's sakes. I also have a child with a Christmas birthday and you really have to put the effort in to celebrate them on the day and then clear Christmas after. Him not letting her open her presents. Is just mean and probably not 100 percent his idea either

mikado1 · 26/12/2023 11:04

I'm glad she had such a lovely morning with you. I think it's I'll thought put but perhaps not meant as badly as you're taking it. Did you also know this was the agreed plan? I think it needs to be clear in future her birthday is her birthday but I can see how a lovely birthday morning with her mum and 'another birthday ' later could have worked fine for some children. Perhaps after previously agreeing they just stuck with it, wrongly, even when dd changed her mind.

To the pp crying, I hope you're joking!!

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 26/12/2023 11:14

It's a bit unkind but 'evil' is putting it too strongly.

itsmyp4rty · 26/12/2023 11:22

I think a much better way to do it would have been for her to open some of the presents from her dad but have a few saved back so she has something to open when the other kids are opening theirs the following week.

Alternatively she should have stayed at yours for the day and then had her second Christmas/birthday with her dad the following week.

MumblesParty · 26/12/2023 11:26

Mean and unnecessary.
I can understand waiting for the step siblings to return before opening Christmas presents, because they’re clearly planning a delayed family Christmas. But there’s no justification at all for making her wait to open her birthday presents. In fact, it would seem sensible to open them before the step siblings return, because presumably it’ll otherwise look as if she has more than them. Unless of course, her Dad hasn’t actually bought her any birthday presents….

Mumofteenandtween · 26/12/2023 11:30

That’s pretty rubbish.

It could have been done really well as well. They could have decreed that 25th December is just”Lucy’s birthday” and not Xmas day and so spent the day celebrating Lucy’s birthday where she opens all her bday presents and they do whatever would be done on her birthday if it wasn’t the 25th December. And then 30th December or whenever Dad’s girlfriend’s kids turn up can be Xmas day for all of them.

That would have been a rather nice solution to the “birthday on Xmas day” problem.

zigzag716746zigzag · 26/12/2023 11:32

I think it depends on whether the rules are consistent. Do the other kids have to wait until your DD is there to open their birthday presents?

The Christmas presents I think fair enough if she is 11 and agreed in advance.

betterangels · 26/12/2023 11:32

It's unkind, yes. Not evil.

Smugandproud · 26/12/2023 11:33

Well he’s an ex for a good reason isn’t he?

Xmasblues · 26/12/2023 11:33

I think you’re both BU.

You for letting her open all of her presents and him for letting her open none.

She should have 2 separate days - one for Xmas where she opens her Xmas presents with everyone else and one for her bday where the day is just about her.

betterangels · 26/12/2023 11:34

Xmasblues · 26/12/2023 11:33

I think you’re both BU.

You for letting her open all of her presents and him for letting her open none.

She should have 2 separate days - one for Xmas where she opens her Xmas presents with everyone else and one for her bday where the day is just about her.

This sounds like a good idea.

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