Page 7 | Should I have Left Son with ED Alone?

autologo · 2023-12-26T10:32:49+00:00

I have mixed feelings about a situation that occurred yesterday, so I would appreciate a fresh perspective. My 22 year old son lives with me. He has a serious eating disorder, so Christmas is hard for him. However, we were invited to join my sister for Christmas lunch. I wanted to go to the lunch, and I discussed the visit with my son. He did not want to go, and I accepted that a noisy event, centred around food, may be a bit much for him. We agreed that I would go, and then we would have our usual meal together when I returned. The Christmas meal was fantastic. I did not eat much because I would be eating later with my son, but I really enjoyed the company and seeing my elderly mother (95) and new great niece together. Times like these are precious. About two hours into the event, my son phoned me. He told me he had eaten everything in the house, including food I had 'hidden' (that was our meal!) and he wanted me to come back home. He said he had been making himself sick (he has bulimia). The food was basic stock (bread, tins of beans etc) I do not drive, so I would have to ask someone to give me a lift and this would ruin the event, so I told my son to wait until my brother was ready to drop me off. In another hour, my brother was ready to leave, because our mother was getting tired. He dropped me off at my house on the way back. The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere. He was really upset. I talked to him. He was smashing his hand against a cupboard door and broke the door. Finally, after he had tidied up (he has to clean up his mess), he insisted on going for a walk. He set off at 9 pm and did not return until nearly 1 am. We talked for two hours on the phone. Although I really enjoyed the Christmas event with my sister, I just wonder if perhaps I was negligent in leaving my son alone on Christmas Day.

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 14:05

@Paperbagsaremine thank you for saying what I was trying to say more eloquently. It's not.really a 'am i right/wrong' situation, more a 'how do we work towards avoiding this again.' Situation.

Agree that 22 is still very young to be dealing with this too. I know my sons (no ed) are still learning how to navigate and become adults, still learning at 23 and 24.

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 14:07

Bulimia is an extreme form of self-harm, a way of physically manifesting a deep seated and severe mental and emotional pain. It is life threatening as it can cause heart attacks and other issues.

So if you were to come home to another, more clearly understood form of dangerous self harm - say, if the place had been convered in blood instead of vomit (sorry to be graphic, but this is already a very graphic, triggering post so the TW should already be in the title if needed at all) - then what would the reaction be?

"Your son is being manipulative, you should have better boundaries, he's controlling you" etc...?

I don't think so.

I really urge you OP to keep pushing for that referral, reach out to BEAT and other ED support organisations, and also consider getting some counselling for yourself, as any carer for someone who is severely ill might need.

I wish you both all the best.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 14:07

autologo · 26/12/2023 13:14

I will try to answer some of the questions.

Where is my DH? - in a care home (mental illness compounded by autism).
Is your DS autistic? - professionals think so, but he declines formal assessment.
Are other professionals involved? - I have explained this, but others are correct in stating that the dangers of bulimia are perhaps less widely known. I contacted his MH team and a social worker because, I feel totally alone with this, and terrified that he will die whilst in my 'care'. Others who are in a similar situation and who have posted on this thread will understand that feeling.
Was he sick elsewhere in the house - Yes, the kitchen sink. He cleaned it up, He cleans obsessionally, this can be a trait associated with EDs or it may be cooccurring OCD
Am I his carer? No - I am his mother. That is to say, I do not claim carer's allowance for him. I work from home and combine that with supporting him.
Why have you posted on AIBU - I answered that earlier, but I want to give another answer. What the hell not? EDs have been stigmatised for years (Yes, I had one when I was younger). Manipulation? Dirty protest? No! it is nothing to do with that. Neither am I 'shaming' him by writing anonymously about the situation on this particular forum. Yet, if the discussion of what life is like living with someone who has this sort of ED is not discussed openly, it will remain secluded on a less public forum. It will remain a shameful, embarrassing subject. So, I will state this: there are people who are totally trapped by their EDs, and their families can become trapped.
Have I reached out to BEAT? Yes, they gave me some helpful counselling, but they could not offer support to my son because the ED was too serious (and he was not likely to engage). He needed help from the specialist ED team.

OP I corrected my
post further down ., asking where dh was as i read wrong I thought initially You had discussed with dh not ds . . I apologise for the confusion /upset .

Of course you Care and worry but you weren’t in the wrong he’s an adult and you have to try to have some part of life through your worrying .

I hope you can both get the support you need.

Truffleduffle · 26/12/2023 14:10

I have nothing to add except your post made me cry. I am so sorry this happened to you. What a truly stressful scenario. I hope you have friends in real life who can rally around and support you.

Yes your son needs professional help but try prioritise yourself for a few days

NeedToChangeName · 26/12/2023 14:15

gamerchick · 26/12/2023 10:53

Allowing any mental illness to run rampant to the point it controls others around you absolutely is though.

Show quote history

@gamerchick people who are v unwell do not choose to have the symptoms of their ill health

If someone had a broken leg, you wouldn't criticise them for "choosing" not to climb stairs

Stayupallnight · 26/12/2023 14:19

Why do so many people seem to think people suffering from eating disorders are controlling and manipulating? More likely your son was overwhelmed by his own negative thoughts relating to his ED when he was alone. Why would he or anyone with an eating disorder be interested in manipulating and controlling others? What would be gained from that? It’s about their inner turmoil, not about manipulating others.

JANEY205 · 26/12/2023 14:21

Glassflour · 26/12/2023 11:55

As someone who had a ED, I’m sorry but you should’ve went back to your son. He was having a melt down. Age isn’t a factor when it comes to mental health. If he had physically hurt himself no one would say ‘he’s an adult let him deal with it’. He needed you in that moment as he was mentally hurting.

So she should never leave the house or her son home alone again? NO.

If he had physically hurt himself it still would not be OPs fault. So I would be saying he is an adult in dire need of professional help, but you are still entitled to a break too and to see family for a few hours for goodness sake! If he physically harmed himself/binged like he did then it’s still because of his mental health issue and not OPs fault and she shouldn’t be chained to her own home.

My own brother has threatened suicide and gone AWOL when our mother is with the rest of us trying to enjoy some time away and it IS manipulative. It’s always when she’s trying to have a break and not at his beck and call for a mental health crisis. Do you know how draining it is for the parents of adult children who still require so so much support?! My brother does weaponise his mental health and it is used to control. We can have empathy for someone with mental health issues and ALSO recognize that.

PumpkinPie2016 · 26/12/2023 14:22

As many others have said, you were not unreasonable to go to your sister's for Christmas Dinner. You discussed this with your son and agreed on a plan that took account of his needs and the fact that going to someone's house for a meal would be very uncomfortable for him.

You sound like a wonderful mum who loves her son very much. You are trying your best in exceptionally difficult circumstances- please try to remember that.

I hope the professionals come up with some serious support and quickly. You and your son need and deserve professional support. He sounds extremely unwell and while that is, of course, absolutely not his fault, you cannot be expected to live your whole life around this.

Remember the crisis teams work over Christmas - please contact them or your nearest A&E if you cannot wait for further support.

JANEY205 · 26/12/2023 14:24

Stayupallnight · 26/12/2023 14:19

Why do so many people seem to think people suffering from eating disorders are controlling and manipulating? More likely your son was overwhelmed by his own negative thoughts relating to his ED when he was alone. Why would he or anyone with an eating disorder be interested in manipulating and controlling others? What would be gained from that? It’s about their inner turmoil, not about manipulating others.

It is manipulative and controlling tho. Whether he has malicious intent behind it or not, it IS controlling OPs behavior as she is now doubting herself and blaming herself for going out. Which should be a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do! Him binging because he was left alone for a few hours is not her fault! She should not have to feel guilty over it. He could have gone to his families home for a few hours and not been alone with his intrusive thoughts even if he didn’t want to binge. The house being destroyed when she got back does seem like it was done so she would see it and have to help clean it.

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 14:26

Stayupallnight · 26/12/2023 14:19

Why do so many people seem to think people suffering from eating disorders are controlling and manipulating? More likely your son was overwhelmed by his own negative thoughts relating to his ED when he was alone. Why would he or anyone with an eating disorder be interested in manipulating and controlling others? What would be gained from that? It’s about their inner turmoil, not about manipulating others.

Some posters have even said "he's enjoying the attention" and "he wants to cause drama".

Disgusting ignorance expressed about a young person with a life threatening illness.

This is to be expected though on this part of the site unfortunately. The lack of empathy is worn like a badge on here.

I hope any one suffering from this same illness reading that shite is aware that people with any knowledge of it don't think they are "enjoying" it in any way.

cerisepanther73 · 26/12/2023 14:27

@autologo
No you were not negligent as a parent, you discussed about going to vist family and the food situation ect,

He needs professional support specifically aimed at his eating disorders and what's the issue or issues thats triggered this off in the first place,

He is grown up now,

He is no longer a child and him having or developing a Co dependency type of neediness relantship , expecting you to be there for him 24/7 is frankly ridiculous for him to expect
It's definitely no good for you or him either..

JANEY205 · 26/12/2023 14:32

cerisepanther73 · 26/12/2023 14:27

@autologo
No you were not negligent as a parent, you discussed about going to vist family and the food situation ect,

He needs professional support specifically aimed at his eating disorders and what's the issue or issues thats triggered this off in the first place,

He is grown up now,

He is no longer a child and him having or developing a Co dependency type of neediness relantship , expecting you to be there for him 24/7 is frankly ridiculous for him to expect
It's definitely no good for you or him either..

Your last paragraph is spot on!! And what I think a lot of us have been trying to say. Whether he means to or not his behavior is massively controlling his own mother and the neediness and inability to cope for a few hours without destroying her home is concerning for OPs welfare too. I can’t get over what she must have walked into and it does feel like a punishment for going out. I’ve never known someone binge and leave rubbish and vomit everywhere.

Stayupallnight · 26/12/2023 14:32

JANEY205 · 26/12/2023 14:24

It is manipulative and controlling tho. Whether he has malicious intent behind it or not, it IS controlling OPs behavior as she is now doubting herself and blaming herself for going out. Which should be a perfectly reasonable thing for her to do! Him binging because he was left alone for a few hours is not her fault! She should not have to feel guilty over it. He could have gone to his families home for a few hours and not been alone with his intrusive thoughts even if he didn’t want to binge. The house being destroyed when she got back does seem like it was done so she would see it and have to help clean it.

Show quote history

Yes absolutely she should not feel guilty about it, she is entitled to enjoy herself.
i just think sometimes people take others mental illnesses quite personally? In the grip of a bulimic episode he probably wasn’t even thinking rationally enough to think “ I’ll go on a binge and leave a huge mess for my mum to find, that’ll teach her a lesson”. He will have utterly lost control of himself, definitely not be in a fit state to be manipulative or calculating.

Bulimia is hugely linked to shame and self loathing, the attitudes of some people here are really upsetting to read.

cerisepanther73 · 26/12/2023 14:33

@autologo

I totally agree with @LittleGreenDragons you nailed it on the head with your good insightful comment.

Stayupallnight · 26/12/2023 14:34

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 14:26

Some posters have even said "he's enjoying the attention" and "he wants to cause drama".

Disgusting ignorance expressed about a young person with a life threatening illness.

This is to be expected though on this part of the site unfortunately. The lack of empathy is worn like a badge on here.

I hope any one suffering from this same illness reading that shite is aware that people with any knowledge of it don't think they are "enjoying" it in any way.

Show quote history

well said.

Cakepop940 · 26/12/2023 14:37

I am recovering from bulimia. I would never behave this dramatically even in the thick of it but everyone is different. Ive been around many others with eds And he may have manipulated and punished you for leaving him it seems. He had a Binge, purged and then blamed you. I would do this but I wouldn't involve anyone else because its not fair in my opinion. Yes I get that he's unwell with a mental illness but he's also a grown up and can access professional help so that it doesn't all fall on you

Atethehalloweenchocs · 26/12/2023 14:38

How awful for you and for him OP - I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. You should be able to go out and live life without having to police his behaviour 24/7 - that is not good for either of you. There are always a lot of people on these forums who will be so blinded by their own experiences and needs that they are in denial about how their MH issues affect the people around them. But it is so hard to be the family member of someone with a problem like this, over and above the fear for their safety. Hope the help is in place quickly.

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 14:42

Cakepop940 · 26/12/2023 14:37

I am recovering from bulimia. I would never behave this dramatically even in the thick of it but everyone is different. Ive been around many others with eds And he may have manipulated and punished you for leaving him it seems. He had a Binge, purged and then blamed you. I would do this but I wouldn't involve anyone else because its not fair in my opinion. Yes I get that he's unwell with a mental illness but he's also a grown up and can access professional help so that it doesn't all fall on you

Edited

Where did he blame OP for his actions? What makes you think this was a "punishment" for anyone but himself?

I read that he called her for help at a very low point.

alexdgr8 · 26/12/2023 14:49

i think he should move out, preferably to some kind of supported living situation.
your life will be blighted by this. you can't live his life for him, or treat him as if he is a child.
you could still support him but in a way more appropriate to an adult, even one with problems.

TheGander · 26/12/2023 14:55

As a dietitian who has worked with eating disorders (mostly young women with anorexia but the demographics are shifting with more older women and now young men) I’m quite happy to stick my neck out and say the behaviour can be unbelievably manipulative. Using seduction ( I’m special so treat me differently), all the tricks in the book to avoid calorie consumption and skew one’s body weight when it’s time to get weighed, intimidation of staff if all else fails etc etc. Using food to control not just one’s body but the emotions and behaviours of close family members is pretty standard and I don’t see why the OP should be shamed for stating the facts of her son’s illness and behaviour. OP you sound incredibly caring and resilient and I’m damn sure you were right to go out and enjoy some you time.

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 14:57

Why are so many people saying 'he's an adult, he should look after himself? Do we stop caring for other people, especially our children, when they turn 18? This young man is seriously ill. He needs and deserves help from professionals and his family.
Some people need to take a look at themselves.

nothink · 26/12/2023 15:05

I don't think you did the wrong thing at all, you have a life too. I had anorexia and then bulimia for the duration of my teenage years and into my early 20s, I also fit almost every diagnostic marker for autism in women although I've never sought a diagnosis. I had no control over the binging and purging once it started, it was like an addiction and deeply selfish. I couldn't see how badly it was affecting the people around me and even if I could, I don't think that would have made me stop. I hated myself with a passion and the whole time I felt like that I couldn't shake the eating disorder. Looking back at it now I feel awful about the stress it caused my family, I'd feel even worse if they'd completely put their lives on hold because of it. I know mental health services are stretched to the limit but it sounds like your son needs support urgently, can you get him to go back to the GP? He might benefit from medication while he waits

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 15:06

TheGander · 26/12/2023 14:55

As a dietitian who has worked with eating disorders (mostly young women with anorexia but the demographics are shifting with more older women and now young men) I’m quite happy to stick my neck out and say the behaviour can be unbelievably manipulative. Using seduction ( I’m special so treat me differently), all the tricks in the book to avoid calorie consumption and skew one’s body weight when it’s time to get weighed, intimidation of staff if all else fails etc etc. Using food to control not just one’s body but the emotions and behaviours of close family members is pretty standard and I don’t see why the OP should be shamed for stating the facts of her son’s illness and behaviour. OP you sound incredibly caring and resilient and I’m damn sure you were right to go out and enjoy some you time.

The illness creates these behaviours. It's a symptom of the illness.

You don't blame a cancer patient for growing the cancer cells in their body which cause the symptoms of their illness. Those cancer cells can't be willed away by the patient, and neither can the symptoms they cause. It requires proper medical treatment.

The illness is manipulating the sufferer, and causing them to behave in ways beyond their free choice.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/12/2023 15:19

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 14:57

Why are so many people saying 'he's an adult, he should look after himself? Do we stop caring for other people, especially our children, when they turn 18? This young man is seriously ill. He needs and deserves help from professionals and his family.
Some people need to take a look at themselves.

@autologo

OP does care about him though and has supported him with getting help. Her going out for a few hours to see other family doesn’t change that. Do you think she shouldn’t have gone?

Tessisme · 26/12/2023 15:19

Some of the comments on here are very ill informed and ignorant. Are posters suggesting that the OP's son is somehow in charge of his illness and uses it to manipulate or guilt trip her? Anyone who thinks that knows very little about mental illness and in particular compulsive behaviour. It has been 'helpfully' suggested to me that I somehow enable my child's OCD and that it's up to me to 'nip it in the bud' and 'not take any nonsense'. I hope my son has control over his OCD by the time he's an adult, but I will continue to support him when he reaches 18, the age where Mumsnet children magically transition to adulthood overnight. Even a child devoid of mental health issues doesn't become an adult overnight. Imagine how much more difficult it is for a child whose development has been blighted by an eating disorder, by depression, by OCD, by anxiety. Yes, the OP deserves a life, but she shouldn't be criticised for supporting her son. And her son shouldn't be criticised for having an illness. Would people have the same appalling attitude if his illness was physical? Or if he had Down's Syndrome? Or profound special needs?