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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

885 replies

ankara · 26/12/2023 09:02

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit Confused and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

OP posts:
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Rhaenys · 27/12/2023 20:51

Surely people realise that a 3 week old newborn baby is very different from a vaccinated 3 month old?

As for affection, newborns only need affection from their mother primarily.

Rhaenys · 27/12/2023 20:52

Oldgardener · 27/12/2023 20:49

There is no medical opinion that would support not handling a new healthy baby. Like I said. People have opinions. That wouldn’t be mine, though wouldn’t describe anyone else’s as bollocks. But obviously the parents are very anxious, which isn’t a great sign for the future, and might be worth exploring what they think is going to happen and addressing that now, rather than later when the baby can move around and find its own mischief and germs.

Your lack of nuanced thinking is astounding.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 20:59

Oldgardener · 27/12/2023 20:49

There is no medical opinion that would support not handling a new healthy baby. Like I said. People have opinions. That wouldn’t be mine, though wouldn’t describe anyone else’s as bollocks. But obviously the parents are very anxious, which isn’t a great sign for the future, and might be worth exploring what they think is going to happen and addressing that now, rather than later when the baby can move around and find its own mischief and germs.

I must tell my sil the advice she was given leaving the hospital with her newborn on Christmas Day - because RSV and covid are rife atm - has no grounding because someone on the Internet says so…

LaDamaDeElche · 27/12/2023 21:00

This is a U.K.centric way of thinking. In the overwhelming majority of other countries this would be seen as very overprotective.

Pinkfluff76 · 27/12/2023 21:02

Holy crap. Can’t believe all the comments. When did the world get so crap?! We were all handled as babies and turned out just fine. Probably better immune systems too. She’s being weird OP. Good luck

Lavender14 · 27/12/2023 21:04

"There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old"

They've had a baby smack bang in the middle of cold/flu/ covid/rsv season. That IS a medical reason. Have you ever seen a baby with RSV? it's horrendous to watch. I gave birth to ds the same time last year and we limited the amount of visitors to give him a chance to build immunity slowly and reduce the risk of him picking up something awful while so tiny. I have other friends who had babies at similar times who ended up hospitalised due to rsv, covid and really bad respiratory infections while they were still so little.

Your need to cuddle an adorable baby doesn't outweigh the mothers right to make what she feels is the best decision she can to protect her child, especially at a time when people are socialising in big groups and babies are often passed around like parcels.

She may be really struggling with not being able to breastfeed. Of course there's absolutely nothing wrong with formula feeding, but if she really wanted to breastfeed that can be really upsetting and many women feel genuine grief over not being able to do that.. the lack of support is the reason why we've one of the lowest rates of bf in the world. She's not wrong about that and she's every right to be angry if she didn't get the support she deserved to help her feed her baby. She's absolutely entitled to those feelings.

The other thing I would say is that women who struggle with fertility and eventually go on to have a baby often are at higher risk for ppa and ppd because they have maybe very big expectations for themselves, a lot of anxiety through the pregnancy and its very difficult to talk about what you're finding hard when you feel you should just be grateful and not complaining that things worked out, you're actually furthering that narrative through your talk of her journey with endometriosis in that way. That in itself is a risk factor for her emotional wellbeing.

There are also some studies that encourage parents to keep things small for baby in the 4th trimester. Baby has had a massive adjustment coming into the world and there is so much to be stimulated by and to process. It sounds to me like she is doing what she can to help baby make that transition gently. Hearing their fathers voice, mothers voice and smell and skin to skin is proven to soothe babies from the get go. What she's doing is very direct but I really admire her for setting her boundaries and thinking about what she and baby need first and foremost because really they're what matters right now. If more mothers did this, I think more women would have a better pp experience because they'd be less likely to need to deal with pushy relatives prioritising themselves over the new mother and baby. A lot can change in a short time as you've recognised, it doesn't mean you did things wrong - you worked off the information you had available and the recommendations at the time. She is doing exactly the same. Support her choices.

OnMyHamptonWick · 27/12/2023 21:05

Good for her.

Nttttt · 27/12/2023 21:05

thebestinterest · 27/12/2023 19:26

Those of you saying SIL is right are ABSOLUTE LOONS. 😭😂

Let’s not pretend that putting up a sign isn’t absolutely anti social. C’mon now! Sil sounds a bit young and naive. Poor child!

I never had to put up any ridiculous signs instructing my visitors on how to behave. That would be batshit!

You’ve obviously never had a problem with family members who don’t listen to you. How do you know she’s not tried to verbalise that you shouldn’t kiss the baby and to wash your hands first but maybe she was shit down by family who told her to stop being precious? Maybe the sign was to get the point across once and for all for boundary crossers.

You’ve also obviously never had a child end up in hospital due to covid/flu/RSV. There are multiple mothers who have commented here whose babies ended up needing life saving treatment due to an illness being passed to them.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 21:08

We were all handled as babies and turned out just fine

have you ever looked at historic infant mortality rates?

thebestinterest · 27/12/2023 21:09

phoenixrosehere · 27/12/2023 19:41

Not a loon, just respect her choice as I would someone who chooses not to care who holds their baby.

I’m lucky I have family members who aren’t like the ones I’ve read on here who find boundaries difficult and think not being able to hold a baby fresh out the womb means they can never bond with it and or want to use them as a bargaining chip for possible future babysitting. Just because you allow someone to hold your baby doesn’t man they will offer to babysit anyway.

Heck, even if OP was allowed to hold the baby, with the attitude she has about her SIL and not even living close, doubt SIL would ask her to babysit anyway.

Of course she’s aloud to write any loony msg she wants, doesn’t mean it ain’t lunatic to do so though 😭😂

Oldgardener · 27/12/2023 21:10

Well, someone asked the internet. This is what some people on the internet (me) think. Like some other people are saying, it is a bit weird to put a sign up and suggests significant anxiety which is likely to play itself out in other ways as the child grows and perhaps lead to other problems as these anxieties are transmitted to the child. A bit of nuance there for someone who thought I couldn’t manage that.

Savedpassword · 27/12/2023 21:11

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 21:08

We were all handled as babies and turned out just fine

have you ever looked at historic infant mortality rates?

What were infant mortality rates 15-20 years ago?

Thistlewoman · 27/12/2023 21:11

Your SIL is right. Its not all about you and what you (or anyone else for that matter) wants. Just because YOU and any/all random relatives/friends see her baby as public property doesn't make it so. Baby isn't a pass-the-parcel, and Mum has every right to decide who gets to pick up/hold/cuddle/breathe on her baby.
YABU-suck it up, buttercup.

Strawberrylacess · 27/12/2023 21:14

My son was in hospital this year with RSV as a robust 2 year old.

He was in for 3 days on an oxygen mask.

Many of the very tiny babies ended up on ventilators.

It's no joke, shame on the people on here taking the piss.

Bookworm39 · 27/12/2023 21:17

Well we are still in the middle of a pandemic - only the emergency phase has been declared over, not the whole thing. Why on earth would you want a newborn exposed to covid? I have long covid 2 years after being pretty ill with my one brush with covid, and my completely healthy 16 year old had medical issues with it and and also long covid after. It's not just a cold, and I'm in better health than others I know - amazingly as I still feel awful.

I absolutely took the same stand for my sons nearly 20 years ago as I had Strep B during both pregnancies which can be awful for babies to get, so I had to have intravenous antibiotics during labour. Probably family thought I was odd, but I didn't give a stuff. I was protecting my children. I was quite happy for people to handle them both if they'd washed their hands and they were well. I didn't go and see a relative having chemo if I was ill as I wanted them healthy, why on earth wouldn't I want the same for my children when they were newborns? And they've hardly grown up with anxious parents, they've both done loads despite one having significant SEN and complex medical needs. Turns out his rare condition can have significant complications if they get viruses early - though I didn't know that at the time. Good job I made my rules and didn't have everyone putting him at risk because of their own selfish wants!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/12/2023 21:23

Savedpassword · 27/12/2023 21:11

What were infant mortality rates 15-20 years ago?

5.4 per 1000 live births in 2003. Compared to 3.8 in 2022

Given most people on here are older than 15-20 the rates were even higher when we were all babies - 12.5 in 1980, 18 in 1970 and 23 in 1960.

As I said previously, my great granny lost 10 of her 15 children. Infant death was incredibly common. So not everyone turned out just fine.

Chunkychips23 · 27/12/2023 21:31

mayorofcasterbridge · 27/12/2023 18:35

I don't think it's "entitled" to want a cuddle with your new niece or nephew.

Surely most adults are sensible enough to not wake a baby, to not hold a baby if they're not well themselves, to wash their hands and not to kiss them?

You’d think that, but as it turns out, a lot of adults aren’t that sensible. We politely asked relatives to not kiss our baby and to wash hands - might as well have asked people to do a backflip! My vulnerable newborn caught a cold, which set him back massively.

You can want a cuddle, but you’re not entitled to one no.

TulipinUK · 27/12/2023 21:33

Completely bonkers! Want a baby who lives in a gold cage, fine but imv this is ridiculous.

Pennypop81 · 27/12/2023 21:39

I would be disappointed as well. Maybe she’s had trouble with someone not listening to her. It’s her baby and maybe she will be a little bit more relaxed the next time you see her.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/12/2023 21:41

Agree with you OP I'd be disappointed

In my world people hold babies. As long as baby is happy. It's a pleasure and part of life.

SiL has every right to put up her sign 🙄 but I bet she doesn't for baby No2. PFB to the max.

DisabledDemon · 27/12/2023 21:43

Quite. My husband ended up with life-long cold sores because of an over-enthusiastic auntie.

Judijudi · 27/12/2023 21:46

Seems to be new thing and I don’t get it either

CountessWindyBottom · 27/12/2023 21:49

OP, you're being completely and utterly unreasonable and then have added lots of nasty jibes about SIL as well. Looks to me like you were looking for a pile-on against your SIL to validate your own feelings.

Well done to her is what I say! Obviously an excellent mother so far with her child's health at the very forefront of her mind. There are multiple cases of extremely poorly infants in ICU across the country because of RSV and the public health advice is to essentially cocoon the child up to six months at this stage.

You need to cop yourself on.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/12/2023 21:49

I think it says more about the baby's DM/DF than anything else. Most people are not so extreme tbh.

Only read it on MN.

sunglassesonthetable · 27/12/2023 21:55

the public health advice is to essentially cocoon the child up to six months at this stage.

I thought it was to keep newborns away from people with colds or flu. Sensible enough advice that most people follow.