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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Same every year

79 replies

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 07:50

Does anyone feel like this? We host every year, my parents come to us. It’s a very strained relationship, and so us not hosting them would cause all sorts of upset. They don’t really get into the spirit of things, frown if we a drink and complain that the food is ‘too fattening’.

it’s a long day, that’s ok but certainly not reflective of big family gatherings full of fun.

so much effort and lead up (from me) and I just don’t enjoy it at all really. I’m 50, when will it get better??

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 26/12/2023 07:50

When they’re dead.

PBandJ111 · 26/12/2023 07:51

Why are you enduring miserable Christmas days? Do you have kids who suffer through this too?

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 26/12/2023 07:51

Tell them next year you're having a quiet Christmas so unfortunately you won't be hosting.
If they get upset then they've got a whole year to get used to the idea.

something2say · 26/12/2023 07:51

When you make it better, by quietly announcing different plans well in advance and then ignoring the fallout.

Original poster
checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 07:54

Yes we have DCs. They are under 13, they don’t really know any difference.

I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year.

OP posts:
mouldyfalafel · 26/12/2023 07:56

something2say · 26/12/2023 07:51

When you make it better, by quietly announcing different plans well in advance and then ignoring the fallout.

This. It will never get better because you cannot change other people, only yourself. They aren't magically going to morph into fun people, this is who they are.

So- you have two choices: 1. Continue with this misery every year or 2. change your plans and do something different.

The very definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result! I would tell them that next year you are going away or having a quiet Christmas alone with just immediate family. If they throw a tantrum, well so what?- the world isn't going to end is it. You could even say well, you never seem to enjoy Christmas with us anyway and then list all the things they moan about. Not much comeback to that.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 26/12/2023 07:56

I am suffering the same. My problem is my DH insists on it because of duty (most dutiful son in the world).
My feeling every Christmas is of sitting in God‘s waiting room.
Death may be the only release. I’m sorry.

Catsknowbest · 26/12/2023 07:57

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 07:54

Yes we have DCs. They are under 13, they don’t really know any difference.

I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year.

So that's miserable Christmases for you and your family for the foreseeable future instead? You realise the DC may kick back on that as they get older? How bad can fallout be?

mouldyfalafel · 26/12/2023 07:57

I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year.

Seriously, what's the worst that could happen?- they throw a huge strop and won't talk to you? seems like a win to me 😁

AuntieMarys · 26/12/2023 07:57

Why are you making yourself miserable? Please tell them you're not hosting next year.

SecondHandFurniture · 26/12/2023 08:00

DustyLee123 · 26/12/2023 07:50

When they’re dead.

This, in a nutshell, unless you stop now. You've still time to make a few Christmas Days enjoyable for your children. You don't have to prioritise your parents over them, and if they cut you off over Christmas Dinner they're not worth the energy.

Neolara · 26/12/2023 08:00

Book a holiday abroad next Xmas?

RampantIvy · 26/12/2023 08:01

mouldyfalafel · 26/12/2023 07:57

I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year.

Seriously, what's the worst that could happen?- they throw a huge strop and won't talk to you? seems like a win to me 😁

This ^^
I voted YABU for putting your DC through this every year.

Put your big girl pants on and tell them now that you are having a quiet Christma/going away next year, and won't be able to entertain them.

Just be firmly assertive and ignore the strop. When they realise that they can't guilt trip you they will stop.

GreenSmithing · 26/12/2023 08:04

Longer term, might the fall out be worth it? It doesn't sound as though they enjoy it either.

In the shorter term, to deal with the comments about fattening food I hqve started to offer lower calorie options- raw carrots, steamed vegetables, clementines and sorbet for desert and let people serve themselves. Everyone invariably goes for the cheese board but at least that way they can't complain it wasn’t their choice to overindulge

BibbleandSqwauk · 26/12/2023 08:05

Yep, agree with the others. They won't change, why would they? In a year or two your kids will vote with their feet and be with friends or upstairs on phones and it will be even worse. You owe it to them to act and sort this out. Give plenty of notice, be firm, calm and clear. That's it.

something2say · 26/12/2023 08:07

The thing is, the fallout is indicative of the problem. Right now you are complicit in brushing it under the carpet. It will be so much better when you can be honest. Your life will literally get better and they will have to morph too, maybe ask themselves why they are not being invited to your lovely Christmas. And they should ask themselves that.

Bellabatwings · 26/12/2023 08:07

You are an adult with children, who cares what the fallout is?
strained miserable and moaning about fattning food? Bet your children hate it!!

Put your family first, Christmas shouldn’t have to be endured!

Original poster
checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 08:10

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
they would have said they’ve had a good day though, so the feeling isn’t shared at all!

OP posts:
stallonesbicep · 26/12/2023 08:19

YANBU to be fed up of it
YABU to expect it to get better if you won't change it

If you don't want a fallout, then you'll just have to put up with it continuing like this every year. They aren't going to change.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 26/12/2023 08:21

when will it get better??

It won't. I'd tell them no hosting next year and deal with the fallout. I wouldn't be having shit Christmas's for anyone.

Haveyouseenthemuffinman · 26/12/2023 08:24

I understand your family dynamic. Mine is similar-ish. And involves a very elderly (late 90s) relative who is actually easier than most of the in between generation.

last night I resolved I might host a Boxing Day thing again but I’m done with running round keeping the peace and making my kid’s Christmas only barely tolerable for the sake of being polite to people or “it might be their last Christmas”.

Royalsingingseal · 26/12/2023 08:25

Compromise with cutting it short. Invite them for dinner then say you are having a family games night which you understand isn’t their thing . Thanks for coming and goodnight.

Catsknowbest · 26/12/2023 08:39

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 08:10

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
they would have said they’ve had a good day though, so the feeling isn’t shared at all!

Sounds rather manipulative if you can't be honest because it'll make your mother "unwell"

Prayfortheangels · 26/12/2023 08:42

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 08:10

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
they would have said they’ve had a good day though, so the feeling isn’t shared at all!

Let her get unwell. This is her way of controlling you. If she wants to make herself miserable because you assert some boundaries let her.

SpringIntoChaos · 26/12/2023 08:45

She's not going to 'be unwell' though is she?

If you're not prepared to rewrite this narrative to one that works for you, then you're stuck with it, aren't you? Which to be honest makes you such a coward and the author of your own, miserable Christmas experience. It's also incredibly selfish of you to put your family through this, every year, when it's entirely in your own hands to change it.

Up to you how next year pans out! They won't change...so you must change 'it'! 🤷‍♀️