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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Same every year

79 replies

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 07:50

Does anyone feel like this? We host every year, my parents come to us. It’s a very strained relationship, and so us not hosting them would cause all sorts of upset. They don’t really get into the spirit of things, frown if we a drink and complain that the food is ‘too fattening’.

it’s a long day, that’s ok but certainly not reflective of big family gatherings full of fun.

so much effort and lead up (from me) and I just don’t enjoy it at all really. I’m 50, when will it get better??

OP posts:
SpringIntoChaos · 26/12/2023 08:47

That sounds harsher than I meant it to OP...but honestly, you do have the power here, so use it!

ripplingwater · 26/12/2023 08:56

I find these threads a bit frustrating because people say they hate something but when people suggest changing it, there are always reasons why they can't.

OP- I do get it, it's hard, you are being manipulated by her "being unwell" - which is obviously BS and a way to control you. However, its either change it or put up with it. There is no magic solution here that will miraculously change how they behave so it really does come down to- put up with it, or, be brave and change the situation. I am not saying it's an "easy" option but is it really worth everyone having a miserable Christmas every damn year just out of fear your mother might lie about being "unwell"?

This is a case of choose your difficult- it's either Christmas is miserable or your mother feigns illness. Neither is an easy option but its not selfish to put your own happiness and that of your family above someone who is blatantly trying to manipulate you.

Willmafrockfit · 26/12/2023 08:59

just enjoy the day, play bingo to their usual expressions,
you know what they will say
it is your christmas too

deplorabelle · 26/12/2023 09:07

Secret extra family Christmas after they've gone?

Tinselburn · 26/12/2023 09:13

I am in my later 30s and tend to go to my parents for lunch. I do load of helping and buy stuff. So it's not one sided. They also don't really get into the spirit and it's stressful for me. They are absolutely not natural hosts as they just don't do well at thinking about others. This sounds bratty I mean it for others too and having done lots of hosting myself. I need to do things differently next year.

ZombieGirl86 · 26/12/2023 09:16

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 08:10

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
they would have said they’ve had a good day though, so the feeling isn’t shared at all!

I understand what your saying re upset it would cause.

But honestly OP your inflicting a miserable Christmas on you and more importantly your children so as not to have a row.

The row is needed, put your family first.

CurlewKate · 26/12/2023 09:19

@checkedcloth "I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year."

What can they possibly do to you?

AuntiePushpa · 26/12/2023 09:33

Lone voice here: lots of people endure grumpy relatives on Christmas day and it isn't all of nothing. You can make it manageable / not ruin your kids' day by limiting it to say 2hrs. Invite them for a certain time eg 4pm and make up a white lie for why they need to leave at 6, maybe having to drive to a relative's. I also like the idea upthread of having some healthy option and fill your own plate to avoid that particular moan.

BoPeepsSheep · 26/12/2023 09:41

Book a holiday cottage by the sea that sleeps only your family.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 26/12/2023 09:42

Rent somewhere next Christmas, even if it’s a caravan at Jaywick (I like Jaywick - fresh sea air, walks to St Osyths, Frinton and Clacton, you can go shark tooth hunting at Walton, a bus ride into Colchester see all the Roman stuff), have a immediate family Christmas together, do what you want - and enjoy.

Havanananana · 26/12/2023 09:44

Neolara · 26/12/2023 08:00

Book a holiday abroad next Xmas?

Best thing we ever did.

The parents' Christmas present from us was a short Christmas break in a hotel, while we went skiing. We had my brother on side too, including chipping in for the cost (he didn't want to host either) , so we had an informal "family buffet before Christmas" the weekend before. Less stressful for everyone - and as it turned out, a huge success.

MyLibrarywasdukedomlargeenough · 26/12/2023 09:46

So they are sort of low level miserable parsimonious types. My MIL is a very earnest hand wringing type.

I would get rip roaringly drunk and just do what I like, if they want to flounce off then that’s up to them.

@CurlewKate they are probably the sort who would disinherit the poster, I say life is too short to worry about that.

widowtwankywashroom · 26/12/2023 09:47

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 07:54

Yes we have DCs. They are under 13, they don’t really know any difference.

I cannot even begin to start to describe the fallout if we suggested we were doing something different next year.

Stop being a martyr.
If you don't want to host, don't!

OnAPostItNote · 26/12/2023 09:48

Tenerife

Snowforabit · 26/12/2023 09:52

Only you can change it OP - I’m lucky in that my mum really didn’t enforce any rules about Xmas with regards to who we spent it with, she was always of the mindset that as long as she saw us some time over the holiday then that would be fine, I’m the same and our adult kids know that and so far they’ve chosen to spend it with us.

No obligations works for us.

jolies1 · 26/12/2023 09:54

Food too fattening? “Oh well. Eat less mum?” Have plenty of wine and good cheer, ignore the cat’s bum mouths. Plonk them in front of the telly and have a glass of something nice in the kitchen with DH while cooking. Book their taxi home for 6pm latest.

ManateeFair · 26/12/2023 10:04

If you continue to host people with whom you have ‘a strained relationship’ and who don’t enjoy Christmas food and drink, then no, it won’t get any better. If you don’t enjoy each other’s company on a normal day you won’t enjoy it at Christmas either.

mumsytoon · 26/12/2023 10:06

So your childhood Christmas was awful and YOU are giving your dc the same? Can you see that? It's up to you to change this. You've given them 50y of control over you, you've done your fair share. Go away next year, plan for this and then that will break the pattern. And then the year after do it your own way.

CeriB82 · 26/12/2023 10:26

DustyLee123 · 26/12/2023 07:50

When they’re dead.

This.

been there. MIL and her sister and SIL

never contributed (physically helped, played with the young kids, offered to buy turkey etc)

now they’re all dead we love Christmas again. We never host and never will

tokesqueen · 26/12/2023 10:28

We endure PIL (with BIL and SIL) who have never done 'fun' or 'silliness' and certainly don't now they're in their 80's. Warm Vimto and cheap food is the order of the day. Think two £1 Morrisons cheesecakes for ten adults including four teenage boys. There was no heating on yesterday.
It may well be FIL last Xmas so we endure.

happyfoot · 26/12/2023 10:42

CeriB82 · 26/12/2023 10:26

This.

been there. MIL and her sister and SIL

never contributed (physically helped, played with the young kids, offered to buy turkey etc)

now they’re all dead we love Christmas again. We never host and never will

Show quote history

Same! Our Christmases used to be awful. My grandmother would sit there with a face on her all day, wouldn't help at all (completely physically capable too, so not as if she couldn't), complaining about everything. My aunt was super religious (nothing against that, I have a faith too but hers appeared to be verging on puritanical) so would frown and tut about anything deemed remotely "fun" as if it was a mortal sin to enjoy oneself.

My other nan would pretend to help but didnt really, just flapped around arguing constantly with my mum about how things should be done. My grandad would sit there like a grump expecting to be served everything and never actually spoke a word to anyone, not even so much as a thank you. The only thing he'd actually talk about were war films, which noone else liked.

None of my memories of Christmas were pleasant, they were just year after year of misery, obligation and constant criticism and I could never understand why people enjoyed Christmas as to me, it just seemed an utter relief when it was over and they all went home. They're all dead now and I love Christmas. I won't ever host Christmas to anyone ever again. This is my time to enjoy it now and I make sure me, H and the kids actually have fun. We don't even eat turkey because none of us like it! If that had been suggested back then, WW3 would have started. Its so lovely to actually enjoy Christmas now.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 26/12/2023 10:56

When you stop having them over at Christmas. It's not compulsory.

Lucytheloose · 26/12/2023 11:07

checkedcloth · 26/12/2023 08:10

Thanks all. It’s not a usual relationship where you can be honest with each other I am afraid. If I said how I feel, this would cause all sorts of issues including my mother ‘getting unwell’.
they would have said they’ve had a good day though, so the feeling isn’t shared at all!

Why can't she just 'get unwell' and deal with it? Offer paracetamol and remind her that 111 is available every day of the year.

Jk987 · 26/12/2023 11:12

Tell them in January that you're doing something different next Christmas. Eg out at a restaurant or that you'll come to theirs with food on Boxing Day for a celebration.
I don't see how any fall out with 11 months notice is going to be worse than another shitty Christmas Day. You are in control as a grown woman you know that don't you? You sound totally helpless but next year can be soooo much better.

mouldyfalafel · 26/12/2023 11:35

I don't see how any fall out with 11 months notice is going to be worse than another shitty Christmas Day

This. If you give them a year's notice, she can't pretend to be ill for an entire year can she? 😂she's going to look like a right twat doing that