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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let him take our DC?

87 replies

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:26

Spent today with DHs family. My mum hasn't been feeling well recently so she's avoided coming today which I was gutted about. We may possibly be able to see her tomorrow but depends how she is.

My husband usually alternates Christmas with his ex but this year its been decided he's going to go up tomorrow to hers to see DSC for a couple of hours and take their presents round. This was because her family are over this year for the first timenin a long time at Christmas and DSC wanted to stay there to see them which I'd fair enough.

DH has been going on about this visit all day and wants to take our shared child with him so siblings can see each other at Christmas. Our child is 4.

I've told him I'm not comfortable with that and he should go by himself (which is fine) but I don't want him to take our toddler.

There isn't the option of me going which is another thread. Me and his ex don't really see eye to eye... at all. And whenever I try and get involved in anything like this I'm told I'm not their mum. Which is fine I don't try to be but then by the same token I don't want my little girl going for however long to play families at this woman's house either and leaving me home alone.

DD isn't bothered, or hasn't said as such, that we haven't seen DSC yet and is used to them coming and going so isn't like she'd be desperate to go with him.

I just think it's a weird thing to do when it's not a friendly situation between us (her and DH don't get on either 99% of the time). I understand why he wants to go and am fine with that but draw the line at being okay with him taking DD too. I asked if ex would even want that anyway considering she seems to hate me so much and was told that apparently she'd "love to see DD". Just think it's odd unless everyone gets along and can ALL be together.

OP posts:

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 22:29

YABU. A 4 year old is not a toddler. And her siblings are her family.

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:30

The title should have read to not want him to take our DC rather than let. I understand he's her dad. I just think it's weird to swan off with our kid for hours leaving behind her mum, his wife, to somewhere I'm not welcome hosted by a woman who hates me. I'd never expect him to be fine with that if roles were reversed.

OP posts:

RowanMayfair · 25/12/2023 22:31

'Swan off' is weird manipulative language to use to describe a man going to see his children. YABU, he wants to take his DC to spend time with her siblings, his other DC. The ex's opinion on you has nothing to do with it. Be the bigger person.

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:31

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 22:29

YABU. A 4 year old is not a toddler. And her siblings are her family.

Yes they are and we'll see them in a few days. At our house. I don't think she needs to be involved with a woman who hates her mother.

OP posts:

RuthW · 25/12/2023 22:33

Can't he take the 4 year old and leave the toddler with you?

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:34

The ex's opinion on you has nothing to do with it

I disagree though if I'm expected to be fine with my child spending time in this woman's home and in her presence. DSC are her family yes but his ex isn't really anything to DD. I just can't ever imagine taking her to spend hours at someone's home who I knew hated my husband, her dad.

OP posts:

Crazycatlady79 · 25/12/2023 22:34

I've been in this situation and had no issue with my DC going.

The 1st wife and I have nothing to say to one another, but I don't stand in the way when it comes to my DC's Dad taking them there.

It's good for the children, all of whom are siblings, despite having different Mums. I wouldn't stand in the way of.that relationship.

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:35

I keep calling her a toddler because she just turned 4 a few weeks ago. Old habit.

OP posts:

YourNameGoesHere · 25/12/2023 22:35

Your 4 year old (who is absolutely not a toddler) is plenty old enough to go and see her siblings with her father without you present. I feel it's very odd you think you'd be invited to go to be honest.

He has other children and is rightly making sure the co parenting relationship between him and his ex is stable.

Potentialnewdiagnosis · 25/12/2023 22:36

Op sorry but I think your missing the point this is not about you her or your dh it's about the kids! These kids are siblings and should be allowed spend Christmas time together regardless of your relationship with your sc mum. You need to think about what's best for all the kids not what you want

JMPB · 25/12/2023 22:37

YABU. I don’t understand what the problem is with him taking your DD to see see siblings? Let her go, and you enjoy a couple of peaceful hours to yourself :)

WaitingForMojo · 25/12/2023 22:37

YABVU.

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/12/2023 22:37

I think I agree with OP, I wouldn't want my daughter going if I wasn't welcome also. Yes it'd be lovely if all the siblings could see each other but the kids decided to stay with their mother longer to see family so hardly bothered about seeing their sister on Xmas day either. If husband wants to go fair enough but don't think the 4 year old needs to go also

cansu · 25/12/2023 22:38

You and his ex dislike each other. You have no desire to see each other. Your dd would no doubt have a nice time. Why would you make an issue about this? Very odd and a bit petty tbh

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:39

Oh I have no desire to be invited. I just think it's odd I'm supposed to happily wave my child off to a woman's home who's been horrible to me for years. I'm not going to go into every scenario here but she really seems to harbour some strong negative feeling towards me for years and years and I've never been anything but pleasant. If it gives context at all, this is a woman who was absolutely hideous toward us when we miscarried a pregnancy. That's the shit I've put up with for years.

OP posts:

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:40

These kids are siblings and should be allowed spend Christmas time together

And yet they chose not to.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2023 22:40

My DSC mother has never acknowledged mine and DH’s DC exist so it wouldn’t be an issue here.

YANBU at all. My children don’t spend time with people who hate either of their parents, that’s obviously mad, and you’re perfectly reasonable to say no to DD being away for a chunk of Boxing Day or within any distance of someone who you don’t get on with.

GrumpyPanda · 25/12/2023 22:40

RowanMayfair · 25/12/2023 22:31

Oh it's stepmum-bashing time again. Funny how it's never the ex who's expected to be the "bigger person."

OP YABU to post this in AIBU, these threads always attract the same sort of poster. YANBU to oppose a trip that's chiefly for the ex to play happy families with your DD - as you say the siblings will see each other soon enough. Also - if there's a chance your mum might make it today, surely she'd want to see her granddaughter?

LorlieS · 25/12/2023 22:41

I think all sibling relationships are important, but feel like it's even more important to strengthen bonds as much as possible if siblings don't live together as the "norm."
My teenage sons only see their 3 yo (half) sister EOW as that is when they are here with us. Unfortunately the rest of the time they live with my ex-husband. But we try as much as we can to make that quality time. I would say, despite everything, they have a good bond ❤️

DiaNaranja · 25/12/2023 22:42

To be honest, I do think it would be nice for your child to spend some time with her half siblings over Xmas. For your DH to have all his children together for a few hours would probably mean alot to him, and make Xmas really special for the kids. I'd also personally love to have a child free few hours on boxing Day to kick back, tidy up, reorganise or just chill out by myself, so I'd totally be taking him up on the offer myself! When you got together with your husband, got married, and had a child, you would have been aware he already had children, and must have known that there would be situations that maybe are less than ideal for you, but important for the kids. Blended families require everyone to be able to compromise at times, and put the children at the forefront of decisions like this, to make for healthy, happy relationships all round. Creating strong relationships between your child and her half siblings is important, and his ex is willing to facilitate this by welcoming your child round, so it would seem silly to deny DD that opportunity.

OdeToBarney · 25/12/2023 22:44

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:40

These kids are siblings and should be allowed spend Christmas time together

And yet they chose not to.

She's just turned 4, she can't choose! One minute she's a toddler, and the next she is capable of choosing who to spend Christmas with?!

YABVU and selfish. Hth.

Original poster

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:47

Obviously I meant teen DSC chose not to spend Christmas with their sibling not our 4 year old. I assumed that would be clear. As I said in my OP, I don't think she'd care if she waited a couple more days to see them.

I agree sibling bonds are important which is why we are planning our own special day when they come to us later this week. I don't agree that our DD needs to be in the company of someone who hates me in order to create a bond with her siblings.

OP posts:

LorlieS · 25/12/2023 22:47

PS. Also to add, ex-husband's new wife vey much dislikes me and has been extremely nasty to hubby and I. Imagine this is fuelled by my abusive ex spinning her lies and also partly by her naivety (she's 16 years younger than ex).
She makes the choice to have very, very little to do with the boys (despite living with them the majority) and tbh that's fine with me. I know she says nasty stuff about me to my sons but I also know my sons are now of an age where they don't accept it and will call her out.

BelieveInYourElf · 25/12/2023 22:47

Let him take her, you play happy families with all the children together quite often, I don't hear her complaining and I suspect she doesn't like it.

Enjoy the P&Q

Tacotortoise · 25/12/2023 22:48

Fwiw I was the child from my father's second marriage and I loved visiting my big sister at her home (she was with us eow, so "home" was very much with her mum). I got to meet her half brother, and see her pets and it just helped me to understand this whole big part of her life that otherwise I never saw. All children who are part of complex families, as your daughter is, have to come to terms with how things are and how they fit in.

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