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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let him take our DC?

87 replies

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:26

Spent today with DHs family. My mum hasn't been feeling well recently so she's avoided coming today which I was gutted about. We may possibly be able to see her tomorrow but depends how she is.

My husband usually alternates Christmas with his ex but this year its been decided he's going to go up tomorrow to hers to see DSC for a couple of hours and take their presents round. This was because her family are over this year for the first timenin a long time at Christmas and DSC wanted to stay there to see them which I'd fair enough.

DH has been going on about this visit all day and wants to take our shared child with him so siblings can see each other at Christmas. Our child is 4.

I've told him I'm not comfortable with that and he should go by himself (which is fine) but I don't want him to take our toddler.

There isn't the option of me going which is another thread. Me and his ex don't really see eye to eye... at all. And whenever I try and get involved in anything like this I'm told I'm not their mum. Which is fine I don't try to be but then by the same token I don't want my little girl going for however long to play families at this woman's house either and leaving me home alone.

DD isn't bothered, or hasn't said as such, that we haven't seen DSC yet and is used to them coming and going so isn't like she'd be desperate to go with him.

I just think it's a weird thing to do when it's not a friendly situation between us (her and DH don't get on either 99% of the time). I understand why he wants to go and am fine with that but draw the line at being okay with him taking DD too. I asked if ex would even want that anyway considering she seems to hate me so much and was told that apparently she'd "love to see DD". Just think it's odd unless everyone gets along and can ALL be together.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 26/12/2023 00:21

You are projecting an adult issue onto a four year old. And the dog about the teens staying with their mum over their sibling is pure childish. They are with their mum and rare visiting family.

Honestly you are coming across as very unreasonable and childish.

AuntMarch · 26/12/2023 00:21

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:30

The title should have read to not want him to take our DC rather than let. I understand he's her dad. I just think it's weird to swan off with our kid for hours leaving behind her mum, his wife, to somewhere I'm not welcome hosted by a woman who hates me. I'd never expect him to be fine with that if roles were reversed.

But it isn't about her. It's about your daughter seeing her siblings.
Your DH is being really decent, working around his DC being able to see family they don't often spend time with, and you aren't even willing for him to be able to see all his children together over Christmas because you don't like the other children's mum?! You don't marry a man with children if you aren't willing to suck it up sometimes.

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 00:27

Your daughter should go and you should try to stop being so distressed by the situation.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 00:36

My ex's new woman is an appallingly ignorant woman with nasty values, a conspiracy theorist and interferes in a lot of people's lives. She and I have absolutely nothing in common.

But ex is ds' dad and so ds goes to their house. Thankfully he only goes a few nights a year, ex's choice, but I let them get on with it. I think it's healthy to give sibling relationships a chance and it has made DS more aware of how fond he is of his home, own bedroom, clean civilised environment, decent food etc.

As long as your dd will be safe, I'd let her go.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 26/12/2023 00:44

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:35

I keep calling her a toddler because she just turned 4 a few weeks ago. Old habit.

Your child hasn’t been a toddler for over a year.

What do the older children want? Do they want some time with their Dad alone or do they want their younger sibling there?

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 00:47

I think it’s a nice trip for your DD so you should be fine with her going. If you don’t have to see the ex I can’t see it’s a big deal

Bluela18 · 26/12/2023 01:15

If you really feel uncomfortable with it , why not say maybe not this year perhaps you will consider it another year. Hubby shouldn't make that much of a deal about it, he's taking his 2 children to visit their mum and the 3 siblings have a relationship anyway . Not a big deal really if you want to keep her with you. Or alternatively you could give it a try see how it goes, if all goes OK and your dd seems happy enough you might feel more comfortable with it another time. But I get it , the ex sounds very toxic , she was hideous towards you during miscarriages and other situations, why would you want your daughter around such a toxic person.

StrictlyComeSnoozing · 26/12/2023 10:27

Very simply, it isn't about you in any way. You don't feature and don't need to. They're your child's siblings, and thus your child will always have a loose connection to the ex. She hasn't done anything to harm or hurt your child in any way so you need to put your own bitterness to one side and not make a fuss. You shouldn't be invited any more than the ex should be invited around to your house.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 10:29

Absolutely fine. There is no need for your child to ever meet their mother yet alone enter her house. Different if he's going to pick them up for a meal or something could he not do that instead?

HappyHedgehog247 · 26/12/2023 10:31

I think you're cross and hurt and upset and all of those feelings are valid but don't have bearing on letting your DD go with her dad to see her step siblings. It's hard though.

Soontobe60 · 26/12/2023 10:37

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:34

The ex's opinion on you has nothing to do with it

I disagree though if I'm expected to be fine with my child spending time in this woman's home and in her presence. DSC are her family yes but his ex isn't really anything to DD. I just can't ever imagine taking her to spend hours at someone's home who I knew hated my husband, her dad.

Your hatred of his ex is clear. Hopefully that isn’t passed on to your child! Your DH wants to see all his children all together - a perfectly reasonable request. Personally, I’d pack them all off, take a few hours all to myself to indulge in some treats, then welcome them back later.
Happy Christmas.

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 10:40

YABU. Stop making it all about you and act like an adult for goodness sake. You chose to have a child with a man who's ex doesn't like you and now you want to play tit for tat with your child because of your own choices. Own it and suck it up.

ZombieGirl86 · 26/12/2023 10:46

I'm with you OP. Perhaps dh uses dd as a buffer between him and ex?

TheShellBeach · 26/12/2023 10:49

Are you worried that your husband will get back with his ex-wife?

Were you the OW?

SpongeBob2022 · 26/12/2023 10:49

It must be pretty rubbish to be kids stuck in the middle of a family where the adults don't get on. I'm not suggesting it's your fault.

I think the scenario where at least the children are embraced and included as a group is a positive one under the circumstances and I would be putting my own feelings aside and viewing it that way. Hopefully it sets the tone for future events too.

SeatonCarew · 26/12/2023 11:03

I think YANBU OP, given the children all see each other regularly and will be seeing each other again in a couple of days. As ex's family are over, the focus will naturally be on her family this time.

StoorieHoose · 26/12/2023 11:16

Surely the older children will want a day with their dad and then have time with the younger sibling at her own house later in the week?

I see no reason for the OPs daughter to go to her partners ex's house when she will be seeing her older siblings in their shared house in a day or so

Let the older children have a day with just their dad

Tistheseason17 · 26/12/2023 11:16

YANBU - I don't put my children with my not so DM as she is a narcissist and would erode any confidence they have. Just make sure you're not a hypocrite and don't speak badly of DSS's mum in front of any of the siblings.
Siblings will all be together in a couple of days.

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2023 11:19

I think its lovely that he wants to take the DD to see her siblings at their home. It'l be nice for him to see all his children together too.

You keep saying you don't want your DD in the company of someone who hates you. If the ex said that too and stopped her children coming to your house then the siblings will never see each other and form bonds.

Don't stand in the way of your childs sibling relationships.

I'm assuming you and the ex are kind and decent to each others children even if you don't like each other.

And no your DH isnt swanning off. He wants to spend time with all of his children.

SecondUsername4me · 26/12/2023 11:21

Would the 4yo enjoy it? If so, that's the end of it. Off she goes.

StoorieHoose · 26/12/2023 11:22

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2023 11:19

I think its lovely that he wants to take the DD to see her siblings at their home. It'l be nice for him to see all his children together too.

You keep saying you don't want your DD in the company of someone who hates you. If the ex said that too and stopped her children coming to your house then the siblings will never see each other and form bonds.

Don't stand in the way of your childs sibling relationships.

I'm assuming you and the ex are kind and decent to each others children even if you don't like each other.

And no your DH isnt swanning off. He wants to spend time with all of his children.

He will see all his children together- in his own home with the Op. the older ones will be there in a few days

What happens if the 4 year old gets clingy and shy? Hangs around her dad's neck all day and the older ones don't get time to interact with their dad?

StoorieHoose · 26/12/2023 11:23

Has anyone asked his ex if she is okay with the 4 year old coming along?

Neriah · 26/12/2023 11:28

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:31

Yes they are and we'll see them in a few days. At our house. I don't think she needs to be involved with a woman who hates her mother.

Show quote history

You clearly don't like her either!

So it's OK for her children to come to yours, but not the other way around? You are teaching your daughter your dislike of her siblings mother. You think at 4 she won't know? She does.

Based on this both you and the ex are being unreasonable. Get over it - make family time about the children and not yourselves.

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2023 11:30

StoorieHoose · 26/12/2023 11:22

He will see all his children together- in his own home with the Op. the older ones will be there in a few days

What happens if the 4 year old gets clingy and shy? Hangs around her dad's neck all day and the older ones don't get time to interact with their dad?

Show quote history

But theres nothing wrong with the DH taking the DD to the DSC house either. I'm sure they'l love to have her there, in their environment for a change.

I have been around lots of children over the years. I've never known any child to not get over initial shyness within half an hour or so. And these are siblings, she'l most likely be fine with them. And her dad will know how to deal with it.

I'm sure there will be plenty of time for them to all interact with each other.

No need to think up scenarios and 'what ifs' when they havnt happened.

TeenLifeMum · 26/12/2023 11:34

I think it’s important for dc to see their dad’s “other life”. Blended families are complicated so only you know what’s safe and where you trust dh to challenge bad behaviour if the mum bad months you.