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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not let him take our DC?

87 replies

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:26

Spent today with DHs family. My mum hasn't been feeling well recently so she's avoided coming today which I was gutted about. We may possibly be able to see her tomorrow but depends how she is.

My husband usually alternates Christmas with his ex but this year its been decided he's going to go up tomorrow to hers to see DSC for a couple of hours and take their presents round. This was because her family are over this year for the first timenin a long time at Christmas and DSC wanted to stay there to see them which I'd fair enough.

DH has been going on about this visit all day and wants to take our shared child with him so siblings can see each other at Christmas. Our child is 4.

I've told him I'm not comfortable with that and he should go by himself (which is fine) but I don't want him to take our toddler.

There isn't the option of me going which is another thread. Me and his ex don't really see eye to eye... at all. And whenever I try and get involved in anything like this I'm told I'm not their mum. Which is fine I don't try to be but then by the same token I don't want my little girl going for however long to play families at this woman's house either and leaving me home alone.

DD isn't bothered, or hasn't said as such, that we haven't seen DSC yet and is used to them coming and going so isn't like she'd be desperate to go with him.

I just think it's a weird thing to do when it's not a friendly situation between us (her and DH don't get on either 99% of the time). I understand why he wants to go and am fine with that but draw the line at being okay with him taking DD too. I asked if ex would even want that anyway considering she seems to hate me so much and was told that apparently she'd "love to see DD". Just think it's odd unless everyone gets along and can ALL be together.

OP posts:
Iouis · 25/12/2023 22:48

YABU

Original poster
pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:49

BelieveInYourElf · 25/12/2023 22:47

Let him take her, you play happy families with all the children together quite often, I don't hear her complaining and I suspect she doesn't like it.

Enjoy the P&Q

Have you read my posts at all? She's done nothing but complain about me since I met DH years ago!

OP posts:
LorlieS · 25/12/2023 22:52

@pugsinblankets1 As hard as it is (and trust me, I know - see post above), I think you should try to put siblings seeing each other before the fact that your hubby's ex "hates" you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2023 22:54

What’s with people suggestion OP benefits from her DD being gone for hours? I like my DC, it’s not a treat having them be elsewhere. It’s Christmas, I want them here and being together. Nothing OP has said suggests her child being away will be some sort of gift for her. Bizarre.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2023 22:57

LorlieS · 25/12/2023 22:52

@pugsinblankets1 As hard as it is (and trust me, I know - see post above), I think you should try to put siblings seeing each other before the fact that your hubby's ex "hates" you.

Not sure what’s up with the scare quotes. If you don’t believe OP that’s your problem. Do you abuse women having miscarriages if you like them? That would be very odd. She’s supporting the sibling relationship when the DSC will be at her home in a few days. That’s where her responsibilities end.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 25/12/2023 22:58

Your title says to 'not let him'

How can you 'not let' him? It's his kid too

OddityOddityOdd · 25/12/2023 23:01

If she hates you that much why is she willing to let her children stay with you? It makes no sense. You say she hates you so you don't want your child there without you but she is willing to let her children come to you.

AdobeWanKenobi · 25/12/2023 23:02

This is another one of those AIBU posts where the OP just wants everyone to agree with her.

Dawndayda · 25/12/2023 23:05

I don't think that you are unreasonable at all. I would absolutely never in my lifetime allow my children to go to my DSC's mum's home when she hated me and had been awful to me for years. No way would I trust that person to have my child in their home, particularly without me around.

Dawndayda · 25/12/2023 23:07

OddityOddityOdd · 25/12/2023 23:01

If she hates you that much why is she willing to let her children stay with you? It makes no sense. You say she hates you so you don't want your child there without you but she is willing to let her children come to you.

Because she has to? Her kids are going to see their dad and their dad obviously lives with the OP.

LorlieS · 25/12/2023 23:07

@AnneLovesGilbert My ex's new wife told my kids my baby was going to be born a "mental retard." She still sees my kids.
And where exactly are the "scare tactics," in my post?!!

Travis1 · 25/12/2023 23:08

OddityOddityOdd · 25/12/2023 23:01

If she hates you that much why is she willing to let her children stay with you? It makes no sense. You say she hates you so you don't want your child there without you but she is willing to let her children come to you.

It’s hardly that she’s ’letting’ them go
to OP though is it? It’s contact with their father, but different to ops daughter randomly rocking up at this woman’s house who has no relationship with her.

@pugsinblankets1 i wouldn’t be comfortable with this either. Why does your husband think it’s ok?

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/12/2023 23:09

BelieveInYourElf · 25/12/2023 22:47

Let him take her, you play happy families with all the children together quite often, I don't hear her complaining and I suspect she doesn't like it.

Enjoy the P&Q

I think the difference here is all 3 children are the husbands. OPs daughter is of no relation to the ex. How is being a step parent playing happy families? What a weird way to phrase that. It would be weirder for the ex to want to play happy families with her ex husbands new daughter when she hates her mother

autienotnaughty · 25/12/2023 23:10

If your dd wants to go I'd let her go.

GrumpyPanda · 25/12/2023 23:10

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 25/12/2023 22:58

Your title says to 'not let him'

How can you 'not let' him? It's his kid too

OP's DH is proposing not to let OP spend the day with her DD. Yet it's her kid too...

WorldCuppa · 25/12/2023 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

YoBeaches · 25/12/2023 23:24

The kids themselves will not give two horse shits to see each other tomorrow when they will see each othering a few days. Let them all stay wherever they're happy and play with their knew toys.

Talk about drama llama's between the adults. Leave the kids out of it, the adults are creating a shit environment for them to be siblings in.

LorlieS · 25/12/2023 23:27

@YoBeaches And what if it is the wish of the children to go visit tomorrow?

ExTheCheater · 25/12/2023 23:32

pugsinblankets1 · 25/12/2023 22:34

The ex's opinion on you has nothing to do with it

I disagree though if I'm expected to be fine with my child spending time in this woman's home and in her presence. DSC are her family yes but his ex isn't really anything to DD. I just can't ever imagine taking her to spend hours at someone's home who I knew hated my husband, her dad.

She kind of is something to your DD op. I never grew up with my half siblings really due to parents arguing but my half siblings mum will always be in my life to some extent as an adult. She's my niece and nephews nan so I see her at their bday parties / on my half siblings bday / xmas etc. She will always be there.

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 25/12/2023 23:35

@GrumpyPanda how ridiculous

This is one day. The op has the option to go along

It's not the DH on here proposing to 'not let' it's this mother!

Marie2023 · 25/12/2023 23:36

Sorry to ask OP, but were you the OW?

I don’t think YABU by the way. I wouldn’t want my DV to spend time with someone who hates me, either. In my case it’s SIL.

SleepingBeautySnores · 25/12/2023 23:42

I can't believe so many people are piling in on the OP and saying she is being unreasonable. Her DH's other children go to him and his wife's at weekends, as that's how he maintains contact with them, and is the way most parents work things once they have separated. Their joint 4 year old has a relationship with their half siblings by seeing them at her own house. She has NO relationship with the half siblings mother, so there is absolutely NO reason for her to go to the ex's house, whether at Christmas or any other time of year. I think the majority who have posted, are being nasty for the sake of it, and how many of you would be happy for your child to spend Boxing day with your DH's ex rather than you? I sure as hell wouldn't! The DH has already spent Christmas day with HIS family, presumably his parents, and while he might want to see his other children on Boxing Day (and his wife has no objection to this), why upset her when she has already spent today with her IL's to keep HIM happy, and she's happy for him to go and see his other children, just not for HER child to go with him. He sounds a bit selfish to me OP.

Mama9076 · 25/12/2023 23:49

It’s a hard situation, but she probably feels like this when her child comes to your home. Why don’t you ask your daughter if she wants to go?

Blumarine · 25/12/2023 23:59

It boils down to the fact that you don’t want your DD having any contact with his unpleasant ex. The other stuff is all irrelevant - whether you’re invited, whether DD wants to go, whether your mum is visiting tomorrow, whether the siblings will be visiting you in a few days. It’s literally just that you don’t want your child being in contact with the ex. Which is fair enough.

Ablondiebutagoody · 26/12/2023 00:11

Why are you making it all about you? Your daughter should definitely go to visit her siblings. You are being very unreasonable.

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